Out of control

I don't understand how I got to this point. It's all suddenly got way out of my control. I can't hack this.

I went to a mental health wellbeing course. It was whilst I was there I realised just how much I screwed up. Not one person in that room had worked a full time job. They were what you expect when you think of people who have mental health issue. When/how did I turn into that person? Since the session I have struggled with thoughts of cutting myself. It's all I want to do. And I am tired of trying to find distractions. I am tired of trying to keep going for people, I am tired of being strong. I just want the world to fade away! I can't do this any more.

Only in hindsite

So work as given me a leave of absence so I can concentrate on getting myself better and to create a support network for myself and to freely access the support i require.  They have also given me this leave of absence on full pay. This is quite something for where I work, so I have to see this as a positive.

Today, I think, is an important day in my road to recovery, even if I can't see it right now. I need to take one day at a time and allow myself time to recover.

It scares to to tell CD or my family but I need to find out where I stand with people. I am hoping that the referal for my CPN appointment comes soon. In the meantime I am accessing Changes which is the only mental health support in my area outside of the NHS. I hope I get on top of this soon.

I feel like my world has come crashing down overnight and I don't know what I'm gonna do, but I think that's the illness speaking rather than me.

Fail!

Well, shit! I've had to go back on meds. Work have told me either I sort out my mood swings or I won't have a job any more. So yesterday I went to the doctors and explained to them what's been happening including the self harming and planning to take my own life. They have me on citilopram  (20mgs) with looking to double that in two weeks. I am also on the waiting list for a CPN (community psychiatric nurse) and further therapy. So that'll be fun. It's not what I want but I need to to keep my job so I can get my qualification so I can get a new job.

And on top of all this I need to have a converaation with CD about what I've been doind and what is happening. I doubt he'll stick around. I'll be single again before two much longer.

The doctor says I need to create a support system for myself which is a lot easier to say than do. I move too much and I don't let people in close enough to see what's going on and to say help is near impossible. But I know that without a support system I don't get better so what do I do? Any support groups near me only meet during the day and I can't afford time of work. I'm in this situation that a number of people I know are in. We manage (just) to keep down a full time job but when we need a bit of support there is nothing because we are working full time and there are no groups for out of work hours so we keep going. We hit crisis and then we have to take time of work, we loose money, and then we get into debt and things start spiralling out of control so I ask again. What am i meant to do?

I hate being ill enough to fuck up work but not ill enough to get any real support. I don't know what the answer is or what I can do about it but it plays on my mind and makes me worse as a result. I should be reducing my stress levels not increasing them.

The mental health system  (like a lot of systems in this country) is fucked.

How?

Whenever I lay me down to sleep

I pray the Lord your soul to keep

And bring you home safe to me, for ever darling

Do I love you?

Do I love you?

Do I love you?

Do I love you (Indeed I do) - Frank Wilson

Anyone who has known me for any length of time know that I truly believed I was made to be single.  It's part of my make up and I made peace with that a long time ago and made a life accordingly, never having to think about another person etc.

However, with CD, entering my life things have changed.  I have turned into one of those ridiculous people who just go gaga thinking about him, who smiles when their phone goes and just can't wait until I see him.  I can't get over how different I am and how I see things differently.

I have been to the doctor to talk about contraception, not that I've acted on it but I have actually started talking and seriously thinking about sleeping with this guy.  It's been a long time since I have felt sexually attracted to someone.  It scares me how real this could be, I am desperately trying to not freak myself out, to take my time but not drag my heals.  I am taking stock of my feelings and moving accordingly.  I am hoping that I can take the next step without completely freaking myself or him out.

How quickly can you fall in love? I have real feelings for him and they are intense.  So much so I do keep freaking myself out with all of it, and thinking about it all.  I am trying not to rush into anything too quickly after all we've only known each other 5 weeks, dated for 3 of those.  We talk every single day, and try and see each other as often as we can which is hard.  We're quite a distance from each other, he works shifts, only gets one weekend off in three and he has a daughter to see.  It makes it hard but it's so worth the effort.

There are times I feel I am being over cautious, there are times I feel overwhelmed and things are going to fast.  However, CD knows when I'm freaking out and allows me to just do what I need to do.  He looks at me and tells me how cute I am when I freak out.  Then he kisses me and everything just fades away, the important thing is he's allowing me time and space to work stuff out.

I told him I had never slept with anyone and he's never pushed me or brought the subject up.  He said he wouldn't push me, but when I'm ready there is a bed waiting.  He is happy though to just spend time with me and allow me to work through what it is I need to do.   He is not pressuring me into anything.  He just goes with the flow and I push myself to make things work, but not push myself to the point where I feel bad.  I'm enjoying the journey out of my comfort zone.  I sat in his house the other day, on his bed where we lay in each others arms whilst kissing.  That was it.   no pushing, no touching, just chatting and kissing.  It was so overwhelming but I loved it.

So I ask.... how the hell did this happen to me?!

week 2

Is is not easy

but don't give up now

It is not easy

Happiness is an option

It is not easy

but don't give up now

It is not easy

Happiness is an option

This is neither old nor new

It's always, forever

Somewhere between sense and ambition

pleasure and decision

we have to make a choice

What do we want?

Happiness is an option by Pet Shop Boys

So it's been over a week since my date.  Things have moved on a bit.  

1. To be in someone's bedroom and to make out was an odd sensation.  I just wanted to be there in that moment and never let him go.  Even if I did freak myself out occasionally, he just let me rabbit on, whilst he just lay there looking at me with a smile on his face, which of cause made me want to kiss him and hit him at the same time.
2. Meeting friends.  This is quite scary.  If we didn't get on that would make life tricky but they were lovely people and made me feel very welcome and I didn't freak out once.
3. We have been texting and messaging as much as we can, between CDs work shift we don't get much time to be physically together, but we do what we can to be together.  He's the first person I talk to in the  morning and the last person in the evening to talk to.   
4. I have turned into the sort of person who just goes gaga over her fella.  I get a text I smile, I find myself saying sweet things like 'I want to see you' or 'my day is better now you've text'.  It's disgusting but I'm loving every second it.
5. Last Friday we went to our gaming group and he wasn't in the greatest of moods and it made me feel strange.  He wouldn't talk much or wanted to hold hands or anything and this confused me.  But the next day we managed to talk about it and clear the air.  It was really nice.  I did't run off or get overly upset.  
6. He makes me smile, he makes me laugh, even when he's not with me.  

Although this is all a new experience for me, and I don't like being this gaga woman but I am enjoying every second of it, even if I feel sick some of the time and I don't want to eat.  I think about him constantly, I just want to be with him.  It's so strange and so new and as much as I hate strange and new things, I really am enjoying all the sensations this experience is giving me.  I have to pinch myself often to believe that this is actually happening to me.  I mean me.  The single one.  The childless one.  The selfish one.  I am broke, and yet I will do what ever I can to put petrol in the car to see him, to be with him.  It's insane. I'm not this person, but I am.  I have told him this and he just has that grin on his face and kisses me.  I am working really hard on my own insecurities and issues to try and make this work.  I know it's only just over two weeks but it just feels amazing to be around him.  I'm not going to jump the gun.  I'm taking one meeting at a time and seeing where we go.  Even the whole issue of not having sex right now is not an issue.  He's just letting me take this as it comes.  

What an amazing experience I am having. 

Some good news

You can't give up!

Lookin' for that diamond in the rough

You never know but when it shows up

Make sure you´re holdin' on

'Cause it could be the one, the one you're waiting on

'Cause nobody wants to be the last one there.

And everyone wants to feel like someone cares.

Someone to love with my life in their hands.

There has gotta be somebody for me

Ohhhhhh.

For once, I have something positive to write about.

First, I would like to recap on what has been happening.

I had not realised just how far I had fallen until I started cutting myself, and saw how deep I was cutting and how regularly I was cutting.  I haven't cut this deeply in a really, really long time. Although it has been seven days since I last cut, I wouldn't say I have stopped thinking about it or stopped wanting to do it.  I'm not even all that fussed that I have cuts on my arm, I think they are beautiful and I hate the fact I hide them, I really just want to show them all off to everyone, but I know the repercussions of doing that would be awful for me and that's not what I want.

I also considered weather or not I wanted to take my own life.  I sent cryptic messages to a friend of mine when I was bad, and although I wouldn't go into details he did sent messages back and as a result of this I am still breathing.  A lot of that is down to him.  

Work has been beyond ridiculous and I've only been back 10 days and I already feel like I'm on burn out.  

However, the most important thing I am going to write about today is what happened to me yesterday.  There was going to be a group of five of us going to a Burlesque fair, when I awoke in the morning I discovered that a number of people had rained off due to illness.  The reason I was going to the fair, apart from the fact I love Burlesque, is that one of the group going was a friend who I have not seen in a very long time and I adore spending time with her.  Alas this was not meant to be.   So who was left was me and this Guy, CD, and that made me question weather or not I wanted to go to the fair.

The history between CD and I is as follows:  We met three Fridays ago (28.09.15) and we immediately hit it off.  He is so funny and just made me laugh and smile, which considering I was cutting myself and trying to get high was brilliant.  The next week we were defiantly flirting a bit more, being touchy feeling etc.  All the things I am not, but was that day.  It was crazy.  He asked for my phone number, which I never, ever give to anyone I have known only two weeks (work is different, sometimes numbers need to be given to staff members).  We started chatting straight away and spent a whole week chatting.  Then I told him about this Burlesque fair I was going to and he invited himself, which I was fine with has there was a number of us going the pressure was off.  However, now it's Saturday morning and all that's left is him and me.  I am freaking out to whether I should meet up with him and go to a Burlesque fair! 

It took a while but I decided that I should just over come my anxieties and just go for it.  So I did.  We had a whale of a time.  The fair was amazing and then we walked around Birmingham looking at the architecture of the buildings.  We spent the whole day together and quite late into the evening.  We laughed, we talked (I even talked a little about my depression and I never talk face to face about it unless I'm well!), we teased each other, we held hands and at the end of the day before I got on the train we kissed.  As nervous as I was I loved it, I didn't want him to go.  I wanted to carry on kissing him.  I have never felt that way about anyone.  Usually when I kiss someone I can't wait for it to be over.  But this time it was different.  I wanted him to stay.  I did not want him to go.

So we got on our respective trains.  And the whole way home I could not stop smiling.  Not for a single second.  It didn't even faze me that I had not idea how many stations I needed to be on the train for, it didn't faze me there were not announcements on the train for approaching stations, it didn't even faze me that I had to walk home in the dark.  I was just happy.  At one point I thought I was actually going to cry.  I had to send him a text to say I got home safely which normally would annoy me but didn't this time.  I thought it quite sweet.  Into the evening he sent me a text asking if we could count this as our first date!!!! I said yes.

I had truly convinced myself that the good Lord made me to be single.  I would never know a mans touch, I would never know what it was to be in a relationship.  I know that it's still early days but this man makes me want to smile.  The next little while is going to be a lot of fun trying to work things out and not let my depression get the better of me.  

He lives quite a way from me and he doesn't drive and he works shifts so it's going to be interesting trying to find the time to see each other.  I know we chat a lot, but I am determined to try and see him when I can.  I just hope that my depression isn't screwing with me that these feelings are not real, but the do and I'm enjoying it and trying not to freak my self out too much.

Well that esculated quickly.

I know I was struggling to keep the depression under control but I was doing it. I felt like crap but I went out, I was social, I was nice to people.

I had two weeks holiday from work and I was broke ao I couldn't go anywhere or do anything. All my normal groups got cancelles due to school holidays or illness. This meant I was sitting home alone all day every day. The guy from christmas was also having a hard time and was trying to talk to me about it. I couldn't cope. I took a painkiller/alcohol concotion (once) and I started cutting myself (almoat daily for one week, but kept on going for a few more weeks). It felt fantastic and I still don't regret a thing. It made me feel better.

At my Friday gaming group there is a new guy who has started and he makes me laugh. He makes me feel good about myself. He flirts with me and I like it. It doesn't scare me.... except I don't know if he's flirting because he's that sort of guy or because he likes me. He asked for my number having only known me for two weeks and, shocked myself I gave it to him! We are now facebook fruends and have spent the weekend chatting.  I'm trying to rearrange things so i have the petrol to see him on Friday.... and every friday. I don't want ti be that sort of person and I don't know if my feeling are real or a biproduct of the depressive state I am experiencing. After three weeks (two of them knowing this guy) I have stopped cutting. After our first meeting I reduced the cutting, even the number of cuts when i did.

I wish I wasn't so screwed up so I could enjoy this more. I should stop worring and enjoy what I can for as long as I can.

I can't do this.

I can't donthis
I can't do this
I can't donthis on my own.
Plumb - I can't do this

My rubies attrmpted to appear tonight but the digger was blunt so I didn't get many. I failed at the one thing I had hoped would just make me feel better but it's made me feel worse.

Wvery cell in my body is reaching out, grasping for something and getting nothing. I open my mouth and the words never leave. Just sit there in my brain going round and round and round but never leaving.

I'm at a loss. No one knows. No one notices. Let tonight be the nighty soul leaves..... please.

I don't wanna.....

Going through the motions

Faking it somehow

I can't even see

If this is really me

I just to be alive

Going through the motions - Buffy: Once more with feeling

I don't wanna die
I don't wanna live
I don't wanna cut
I don't wanna not cut
I don't wanna sleep
I don't wanna wake up
I don't wanna smile
I don't wanna cry
I don't wanna feel
I don't wanna not feel
I don't wanna do anything
I don't wanna do nothing

In short I don't know what I want, I don't know how I feel, I don't know what I feel.  I get up, I am Going through the motions, I go to sleep.  I don't dream any more.  I sleep for a good 10 hours, more if I can manage it.  I do my chores, I do what I need to but that's it.  If I'm honest I don't even mind.  I do my voluntary work, I do my gaming groups, I go to church.  I help people if they ask for help.  It doesn't make me feel better, it doesn't fulfil me, it doesn't do anything.  I fake my smiles, I fake my laugh.  I don't cry, I don't get mad, I don't get annoyed.

The worse part is that I still can't seem to write, I can't cut, I can't get high.... Baking is the only thing that gets me feeling anything but I don't want to eat.  I've lost a stone, no ones notice.  I try hard not to eat much.  At the moment I have to eat four times a day as I've had tonsillitis for about three weeks, my antibiotics dictate I eat.  However, before that I had some weetabix for lunch and then a sausage sandwich or some soap for dinner.  I drink coke to keep my calories  up, I have vitamin supplements so I don't get too ill.  

I have projects to do around the flat.... not getting done.  I have a qualification I'm studying for.... very slowly doing it.  I resent having a pet to take care of but I do it.  I resent having to shower, I resent cooking and eating.   I have books to read.... all they do is make me sleep, I have games to complete but can't focus on them.

My prayer every night is just not to wake up in the morning.  I resent waking up.  What's the point?!

fail

The other night, I was at home, I should have cut I didn't.  I needed something more.... more to the point I didn't.

I had pills and alcohol and hated the fact I woke up the next day.  I'm such a failure.  No one knows.  Not until now.  I should cut, but it just feels like a lot of hard work.

Why can't I cut? Why can't I try again?

Am I lost?

"I starting with the man in the mirror

I'm asking him to change his ways

And your message couldn't've been any clearer

If you want to make the world a better place

Take a look at yourself and make that change'

Man in the mirror - J2 feat Cameron The Public

I'm lost, I'm so lost and I don't know how to get back.... I don't know if I want to go back.  Oblivion is a place I would really like to be.  It is so inviting, somewhere I can get comfortable. I know I shouldn't, I do, but I am so tired, exhausted.  I have no map, no compass, and I'm not convinced I care.  The road I am on is comfortable, it's like going home.  I smile as I great old friends, recognising landmarks.  

This is a journey I take alone, for the first time in my life I take this journey alone and I am content with the likely outcome.  There is no fear, no pain, no confusion... just the journey.

One hour at a time, moving in a direction, never stopping, fighting doesn't work, all I can do it to keep moving in a direction.  Where that takes me, I can imagine, but that's where I am, it's what I'm doing.  No more fighting.

take a step back.

There are time in ones life when you should stop.  Look at your life, and work out if you like who you are, do you know who you are?  Do you like what you've become.

I've been doing that a lot lately, I'm not really sure why.

I have spent a number of year, since I finished therapy, trying to find my way in the world.  I change jobs so many times, trying to work out what I wanted, what I needed.  I moved to different areas, met new people, tried different things.  Pushing my comfort zone, looking for something, some meaning to help me to keep going.  I know that I am made for the single life, I don't do well around people for a long period of time.  I never have been.  People annoy me.  I can't think of anything worse than sharing my life with someone.  That I come home to an empty house, to do what I want to do, in the time I want is my saving grace.  I love it and it's what I need.

I have all that I have ever wanted, I live on my own, I can support myself. I have a social life.  I do voluntary work.  I am part of a wonderful parish.  I have a worth while job and am  making a difference in lives.

I should be content, I should be fine to glide through life until death.  Yet I never want to wake up, I hate waking up.  I want to stay asleep forever.  I am always tired.  I feel nothing. When a laugh it's not real, there are times I feel I should show some sort of emotion but I have no idea what.  

I just don't understand it.  I have everything I have been working towards for year.  Surely it should feel better than this.  Is this all there is to life, is this what the next 40 years is going to feel like.  If so, God please listen to me and let me die.  I can't do this.

I have spent so long creating this life of mine, I have no idea how to change it at this point.  I am too tired to even attempt to change it.... and I can't tell anyone, because this is my fault.  I thought this was what I wanted. I got what I wanted.  So why am I not content.  Why does it just.... I have no words to explain how I feel.  What it's like to wake up and know I have x amount of hours before I can sleep again and enter the oblivion.  Why can't I stay there!

My prayer tonight is for the strength to do what I need to do.

Rubys

All I think about are rubies. At work I think about rubies. At home I think about rubies. At church I think about rubies. Now I am in bed and I am within a breath of digging out the rubies and just letting them fall.

I know rubies are wrong but the really sort me out and I can tell no-one. I have nothing to tell. I have no words, no feelings. Just rubies.

It's all for nothing. It will always come back toy rubies and the digging. It's always that. Nothing more. Looking for something else will never work. It's always the rubies.

https://youtu.be/a72KYMQnDyk

sex and relationship

So over the past couple of weeks I've been seeing this guy.  I was completely honest with him with the fact that as a 34 year old woman, I have never been in a relationship and I haven't had sex either. He was also honest with the fact he had just come out of a 17 year relationship, with the last two years being as a marriage.  He finished the marriage in a bad way. She cheated on him.  He had only been our of the relationship about four months.

As a result we agreed to take it slowly, working on the friendship side of things and then dee where else things would go.  So four days after we had met, we went of our first date, cinema and a meal.  It was lovely and I enjoyed myself.  We had also been talking on messenger every day since we had met.  Two day after that he asked if he could come over.... I nievly said it was fine and all he wanted to do was make out.  I was not comfortable with this. He didn't want to talk, just make out.  He also started putting his hands all over me and my boobs. I was defiantly not happy with this and told him as such.  I had to keep getting him to back off.  I was relieved when he went home.

We got together again at a group event and we struggled to know what to do. Do we hold hands do we not.  During all this time we are talking on messenger, usually him asking me when he thinks I'll be ready for sex as he's a very sexual person and would really like it, but doesn't want to put any pressure on me.  About four days after that he invited me to his.  So I went, again his hands where all over me, hugging me and stroking me constantly.  Made me feel really claustrophobic. 

So about a day after that, he wanted me to put a date on when he thought I would be ready to have sex with him.  When I could start feeling comfortable etc. I told him that I would be ready when I am ready and he'd just need to be patient. 

I know that I could have had sex at any time with him, but in truth I wasn't sure how I felt about him, especially with the thought of barely knowing him.  I wanted... and told him... that I wanted to take things slowly, get to know each other before we started anything physical.

As a result we are not seeing each other any more and he just wants to be friends. Apparently being physical is more important than getting to know each other. Which is fine, if that's what he's looking for.  But now we're not seeing each other he wants us to be friends, I'm fine with that. However, and this is a bit of a big however, in the week that has been between us not seeing each other and me writing this he has text me or messenged me at lest five or six times a day.  As soon as my phone is on, there is some sort of  message from him.  I had had to fake going away so he would leave me alone but I still get a message from him as soon as my phone is switched on.  I dread putting my phone on, I dread going into facebook.

I have come to the realisation that he is extremely lonely and needs someone to fill his wife's shoes, not be his wife, but fill that gap in his life. I on the other hand an a singleton, I am not going to change that life style for anyone.  They would have to be someone very special.  I have a very busy life, I will change things to fit someone in, and eventually rearrange everything for a special person, however he went from barely knowing each other to trying be an instant couple.  I couldn't cope, and he couldn't cope.  But he is desperately lonely,

He is part of a group I am very active with, which means I will see him at least once a week. I need a break from him, I've tried to tell him to leave me alone but he then complains that I'm taking anything too personally and how are we meant to be friends if we don't talk to each other.

I actually started thinking that I was in the wrong, and that I should invite him around and let him have his way, because at the end of the day I should have sex at least once in my life.  Then I was talking with a friend of mine and and she made me realise that I am 34 years old and that if I am going to have sex it needs to be on my terms and when I'm comfortable with it, and no one should pressure me into doing anything else.

However, I still feel like I did something wrong and that I'm the fuck up. I suppose that's what I'll always be.

Aftermath.

Traditionally, after I cut myself, I tell someone I trust what has happened. I do this as a check for myself. To ensure I get my head into gear, to stop me cutting too much and to ensure I get help if I need. The other night was no exception. I'm very 'safe' when I cut.

l Steralise the area, I steralise my blade, I have warm water ready, bandages, cotton wool.... l cut to feel better not to make me ill.

So I found two people I trust, I told them what I did. We chatted. It was meant to help. For the first time it didn't, now I want (need) to cut again + again! I have only one place I cut. 1 have my ritual, my process. It works, or at least it did. I want to cut, I want a new place to cut. One I've not told anyone about. One that is mine + Mine alone.

l need to cut. Not sure what I can do? Don't want scores anywhere else. One location is enough.

I gave in....

.... and what a joy. My rubies are back.

For fucks sake.... I've had enough now.

My life can do one right now.  

A week ago a very, very drunk man tried to break into my flat, then tried to steal my bike.  I called the police who picked him up and took him home.  As a result of this I lock my house up as tight as I can. I have found myself getting really nervous about the smallest of noises. So I have locked everything I possibly can and actually moved things in the way of doors just so I can get a few hours sleep.

It's insane how one person can really effect how you view life, and break the safety of your own home. He didn't do anything except made me a little scared.  I wasn't hurt, nothing was broken... I'm being really silly and I know I am but I can't help it.

On top of all that a woman at work is making life as hard as possible.  I try and be nice to her, I try and do what I can to help her out at work, and yet she is a back stabbing bitch who just plays mind games and trys to fuck everything up.  She has been bullying a colleague for months and work have done absolutely fuck all about it, because as usual they don't give a flying fuck about their staff.  I hate going to work but I can't leave, I'm stuck there with no way out because I can't afford a pay cut without loosing the place I live or getting a lodger.

There is a lot of press at the moment saying that there should be more money put into the metal health sector... that's fine, but how about support for those of use who are desperately trying to keep our lives together, to be normal and all the time our brains are screaming at us, tell us that we're crap that life isn't worth living and the best thing for us is to just die.  Where is our support.  Currently if I try and get to a counsellor I have to wait 10 weeks until I see a counsellor and then all I get is 6 sessions, IF I want something more substantial I would have to wait seven months!!! In that time I could have done anything and no one gives a shit.

I do love the idea of just ending it all, and I really wish I could.  I don't want to live anymore, I really don't but I haven't got the courage to try and kill myself... not that I'm any good at that. Four attempts and each one has failed.  I wouldn't be able to do it right now, even if I tried.  I suck at everything, so in the meantime my life can fucking do one, the people in my life can fucking do one.... whilst I try and find the courage to do the one thing I really want to do.

Die!

Suicide and me

If you hate the world around you.

And you hate everything that you see.

And if what you see makes you happy,

Then fuck off cause we're all out of time.

So follow me.

Suicide Silence- Fuck Everything

I have attempted suicide a number of times before. Needless to say I have failed each time, and each time I failed part of me died a little more because it was yet another thing I failed at.  A number of times each year I think about taking my own life, how I'm going to do it, what I leave behind. I write a note that tells my family what I think, how I feel and who gets once.  I always keep it until the next time I think about taking my own life, then I tear it up and write a new one.  

I have known a number of people who have taken their lives and wish to God it was me rather than them who had died.  I hate them because they managed to do something I failed at, I then hate myself for failing to do something that would make everything better and ultimately it sends me into a downward spiral.

The death of Robin Williams is no exception.  Depression is a debilitating illness which I fight each day and yet if I try and get help, if I try to talk to anyone I am told that I need to have a Positive Mental Attitude or that I just need to buck up and get over it.  If I broke my leg people would offer to help me, if I had cancer I'd have people tripping over themselves to help me out.  I say something about Depression, and I get told I'm broken, that I need to buck up and that I should just get over it.

I envy Robin Williams, I wish I could successfully take my own life.  I know that there is not much that could have changed Robin's mind.  He made a decision and he ran with it.  A suicidal person can not be watched 24/7.  If someone wants to take their own life they will find a way.  Some people will get angry at Robin because they don't understand, some people will be sad because they won't get to see anything more, there are others who will say he's selfish.  Some people will pity him because he felt that this action was the only action left to him.  I, on the other hand, hope he has found peace and if he can hear me can he please hold me and give to the strength to follow him.

It doesn't matter how great things are, or how bad things are or even how mundane everything is, I don't want to be here. I don't want to breath. I don't want to wake up in the morning. 

I just want to stop.

Quandary

"You think that I'm strong,
You're wrong, you're wrong."
Robbie Williams Strong

A few years back I wrote a short story about a young lady who was in a psychiatric hospital. She struggled to be there, she was restraint, she got angry... all sorts of things, that looking back at it now was just how I was feeling about my life. It was how I wish I could act, how I wish people would treat me.

I recognise those feelings in me today, years after the story was written. Years after I honestly believed I put that all behind me. I spend all my time at work wishing I could trash the place in tears, people.forcing me to stop, me hitting and hurting as many people as possible. Running out of work and people.chasing me, holding me down, trying to calm me down.

I am really sick. Physically and mentally. I'm not sure I want to fight. I'm not sure I have the energy. I'm really beginning to believe that death is better that what I am feeling now. I just need courage. I don't want to keep talking about the end of my days, I don't want to keep fantasizing.about things that will never happen. I don't want someone to help.me focus on a future that probably never come true, never come to fruition.

I believe that death might be the only option. All I need now is.for God to give me the courage tobtake the pills and numb the pain. Forever.

Let me go

Wish I could be
Perfectly free
Wish I was a creep
Wish I'd make you bled
Cos it's a beautiful day
In a magical place
Beautiful lives
Perfect and strange
Beautiful days
In a magical place
New dreams are born
New creeps have come
Beautiful Days: Venus

I think I am in real trouble, the problem is what to do about it.

I have depression, this is common knowledge. What isn't is how much I must face and fit it on a regular basis. I have such terrible thoughts of how I see myself, of what I would like to do to myself and sometimes to other people. These are thoughts I am use to, these are thoughts I deal with daily.

They are getting worse. Not about what I would do to others, but to do to myself. There are a number of truths about me that I have come to accept
1. I will never know what it will be like to have sex
2. I will never know what it is to be a parent
3. I will never have close friends, only friends who I see occasionally
4. I will always be a negative person, my depression is to strong for me to be anything else
5. Regardless how ill I am with any other illness, my depression will always get blamed
6. I will always be lonely

The other night I found myself dreaming. I haven't done that for a while. It's not the first time I have had this dream and it certainly won't be the last. I dreamt that I had a complete breakdown, that I went off the rails, I got stoned and went to work. I told my boss to fuck off and that she is a heartless bitch who will get her comeuppance when people realised that the project she runs is barely legal.  I then decided to drive on the motorway the wrong way. I got pulled over by the police and tried to start an argument  with them, hitting out when I could. I got sectioned and I enjoyed it. I woke up really wanting to give it all a go and see if I could totally fuck up my life.

My life at the moment consists of sleeping between 10-13 hours a night and then going to work and starting the cycle again. Two nights a week I go and try and do something but it has to be said that it wipes me completely to do it. I am becoming a hermit because it's all I can cope with.

So I find as time moves onwards, I want to breakdown, I want to be hospitalised. Hell, in truth I want to dead, I'd be better of dead, my organs can go to those who want to live. I just haven't got the courage to die, I wish I did but I don't.  I really need to break about now, a break from reality, a break from being me, a break from breathing.

The worse part is the fact I know I am wasting the life The Lord gave me. He wishes us to do good on Earth, to be loving to one another, to love ourselves... I can't do any of this. All I can do is pray each night that the sun doesn't rise on me again, that I can just fade away from existence and from memory.

I know that I am going to become a danger to myself, and I want it to happen. I want logical me to back of and let the depression take over my life, allow me to crumble, allow me to fade away from existence and memory. I want to scream at the world tell it to stop cos I really want to get off it now.

I don't know what to do, where to go. As with so much I am limbo and there is nowhere for me to go.

Christmas Magic

I wrote to Santa this year. I say Santa but I actually wrote to the magic of Christmas, hoping that it hears me. I asked for one of two things, which one I am really not that fussed about but it needs to be one of them.

One was to get a jackpot rollover lottery ticket so that I can sort out some community projects.  Help the town I live in, for them to truly know what it means to be a community.

The other was for my death as I can't continue like this but equally I don't have the courage to take my own life.

Every day gets harder and harder, it needs to end but there is no way out.

Ruby

"No antibiotic can save us now

We are the virus that we talk about

It's like a bullet in the head

It's an S.O.S"

S.O.S - Take That

So it's been a while and I have to say that the place I am now is now where I had hoped I would be.  A few months back I moved into a small flat on my own. I love being on my own more than anything else in the world I love it.  I love the freedom, I love the isolation of it.  However, the problem I am coming across is that my health is not good at the moment.

Apart from the joys of depression which I must battle with each and every day of my life I am now suffering from something that is causing Chronic Fatigue.  It started before I moved into my own place, must be about two years ago.  I started to need more than my four hours sleep.  It crept up on me slowly but surely until about I year ago I noticed that unless I have eight hours sleep a night I was really tired.  I remember commenting on it at work and how I couldn't understand how people functioned on having to loose so much time to sleep. How did anyone get anything done? This made my colleagues laugh and that was that.  However, that eight hours turned into ten, into twelve, into fourteen until its now at a point where I set an alarm so I don't sleep more than ten hours.  As tired as I am all the time I still have things to do and spending over half the day asleep does not help matters.  I went to the doctor about this and he was baffled so has sent me to many specialist, and now waiting to see a Chronic Fatigue specialist.  The words ME/CFS are being banded about. I have researched what these are and I'm not really excited about this diagnosis but if it's what I've got, I will have to deal with it.... I suppose.

Work is driving me crazy nuts.  As a teacher, I want the best for my students and want them to flourish, but regardless what I do, what I put into place, the powers that be just destroy everything. It makes me wonder what the point is to plan and prepare anything if they are going to screw everything up anyway.  I am currently looking for new work, especially if I have ME/CFS as there is no flexability in my work hours and we don't get normal school holidays.  It means that I have LONG stresful terams and it's not doing me any favours.  I have learnt that it doesn't matter what it right for my students as long as the director gets her own way regardless how right or wrong that is.  I can't leave as they have me over a barrel, I have no teaching quals, they can't afford to send me on my teaching quals so as a result I can't get another teaching job. I can't even get a job on the same salary I am now, and I need this salary so I can continue to live on my own.  So I'm screwed, so now I refuse to get upset at work, refuse to fight any more. I will just bow down to the powers and let them destroy my class and blame me for doing it.  After all what's the point in caring.

I am also cutting again, and it feels great.  This time this blog is the only place I will admit this is what I am doing.  I have realised that there is no one in my life I can trust this too. They want me to stop or they freak out and start smothering me or trying to force me to stop or want to check on me every single day and I don't want that.  I just want to cut and enjoy it and all that it brings.  I honestly don't care where it ends up.  I have missed my friend and embarrass his return with joy.  I savour each moment and each feeling it offers me. 

Disabilities

I currently live with the following disabilities:
* dyslexia
* dispraxia
* depression
* asthma

And if that wasn't enough I think I am going to be diagnosed with ME!

Well fuck my life. You can have it. Not sure I want it anymore.

I was trying to sort myself out. Finding a new job, perhaps do some fostering... nope, my body has other ideas, to which all I can say is. FUCK OFF.

Absolutly diagustin.

Am in a hospital and a bed bound person has asked four times if a nurse could help her and they ignored her.

I used to be quite pro NHS. But now Since I've moved to the Midlands I am horrified and just how crap it is. They don't talk to each other cross departments. I had to answer the SAME question god knows how many times and when they caused me physical pain they had the nerve to tell me I was being an awkward patient. When I was crying no one offered me a tissue and I didn't eat anything until nine thirty at night over 24 hrs after my previous meal. I was not on nil by mouth.

I can't wait to get out of thus hell hole.

Weather

I feel that the weather changed at the right moment for me. Without the change my depressive state would have continued and I dread to think what state I would be in at this moment.

Looking back on what was happening to me I am extremely grateful for the support, and in some cases.the protection, they provided to help me cope with my work and everything else.

My depression cycle is something that I will never be rid off but with friends like I have discovered recently that I have make it just a little easier to know that I will make it through.

P.s. can I please have the sun and heat back.

Neverending cycle

I hate the Neverending cycle of depression. Please make it either go away or just kill me. I can't do this for the rest of my life.

I. Hate titles

So I started to feel better after my cut-a-thon so I told a couple of people I trust about what I had done. I though it would make me feel better it didn't I now feel worse than I did before. I am now cutting more, I think about it constantly and the fact I can't cut for most of the day it puts me in a bad mood.

So what happened to me in the course of a few hours has not helped my mood in any way shape or form.

I had a dermatologist appointment at 4pm. Didn't get seen until 4.45. At this point I know that I won't make the team meeting at 5pm which will get me into trouble as I missed last month's due to a dermatologist appointment. As a result if I missed today's I will get slapped with a non compliance/disciplinary. I get out at 5 from the hospital so I bombed it over to work for two minutes of the meeting. Not amused. There are other people who have missed way more meetings than me and yet they got off scott free (the one-rule-for-me-one-rule-for-you syndrome at.wirk is out of hand). So I now wasted such petrol its crazy.

The doctor basically admitted to me that me has no idea what is wrong with my skin. He was surprised when I told him the original location (which I have many times). He scratched his head and told me he would refer me to a different department and couldn't understand why I had been reffered to him. He recommended things which if he.bothered to read my notes he would have know the doctors had done everyone of.thise things. So he gave me some antihistamines which the doctor gave me at the beginning of my issues ten months ago. I told him they don't work but he gave them to me anyway. Git.

I have also lost my annual leave because some idiot decided to turn my sick days (which we don't get paid for) into annual days. So I have basically been forced into taking annual leave back in October. I am exhausted. I need some time off. I think I am getting my teaching quals then get a job in a location that actually gives a fuck about their staff although that seems to be a think of the past. These days it's all about squeezing the last drop of blood and sweat out of their staff. To hell with anything else.

Everything pisses me off at the moment and I can't cope with it. I know what I'm doing tonight.

Another day.

Come stand beside me
Come gather round me
And heat this cold cold heart
With love inside me
With arms around me
We'll heat this cold cold heart.

I spent the whole day thinking and celebrating my joy from last night. It has really improved my mood I feel on top of things again. I can feel my mood and the darkness disappear with each cut I make. Each droplet taking more and more of the darkness away. I can't believe it took me this kong to feel this good.again, I was a fool. I am not going back and this time I am not sharing this with anyone. I made that mistake once before. Not this time. This time its mine. I keep it and there is nothing anyone can do about it and I love it. It's my secret, it's my joy and the world can just fade away.

There is no need for conflict. There is no need for trying. Just calm, just peace and to let what is happening to happen.

Life is amazing.

Welcome home mate.

He's back!

Speak to me friend.
Whisper...
I'll listen.
I know, I know you've been locked
out of sight
all these years, like me
My friend...

You there my friend
Come let me hold you.
Now, with a sigh, you grow warm in my hand.
My friend!
My clever friend...
Rest now, my friends.
Soon, I'll unfold you.
Soon you'll know splendours
You never have dreamed
all you days,
my lucky friends
'Til now your shine was merely silver.
Friends, you shall drip rubies, you'll soon drip precious... rubies

I finally worked it out.  It doesn't matter how much I fight the depression, it doesn't matter how hard I try to keep myself well and a part of 'normal' society, the depression will always win because I will always get screwed over.  I will always get dragged down and I will always be pathetic, always there for people to walk over me and let me know just how worthless I am, so it really doesn't matter. I don't need to fight. I just let the depression take over and let it take me.  It doesn't matter.

For the first time in four years I cut. It was amazing. I have missed him. I will have more.... and who the fuck care, I sure as hell don't.

FML

I have no idea what's going on at the moment. One second I'm up the next I just want to cry my eyes out. I am tired ALL the time and yet don't seem to be able to sleep properly.  I want to break so I can just live in a place by myself with my TV, Computer, Xbox and internet connection and forget that the world exsists.

I honest to goodness feel as though I am just waiting for the day I can die.  I'm not sure I want bring forth a death but I know I do not have the ability to live life. I'm not sure I ever had or ever will have that ability. To have friends that I can do things with, bowling, cinema, quick drink, coffee etc. Since that's not possible for me I would just like to break to the point that I can still do some voluntary work, perhaps a late night radio show where I can play music, talk about things but it's just me with the waking dead.  Perhaps I can just fade away, get a terminal illness so I can give up and just allow myself to fade away without people knowing I gave up.

I don't want to die, I don't... or at least I don't think I do. But certainly I don't have the ability to live so what the hell do I do now.

No I'm not going to go on Medication, I've just lot the weight from the last time I was on it. I have no time to get help as any time I get off work I don't get paid for, I can't afford to not be at work, and I can't pay for private help as I can't afford it.

Can something happen, I don't care what but something needs to happen. Either to help me live or help me die.... either or. At this moment I don't mind which but I need something to change.

To break

There are days where I honestly wonder if I would be better if I had a complete breakdown

I'm back!

Sometimes
I feel like going down and so disconnected
Somehow
I know that I am haunted to be wanted
I've been watching
I've been waiting
In the shadows for my time
I've been searching
I've been living
For tomorrows all my life

In the Shadows by The Rasmus 

I am not in a good place right now.  I don't know what's going on in my head, I wish I could just scratch the surface because I swear if I could do that then I'd be able to sort myself out... although I wonder if I would.  I talk about the fact I'm on the edge, I know the crash is coming, I can feel it within me trying to push its way out.  I try and tell myself that it won't come and that it will only come if I talk about it or admit to it.

It's coming. Although I'm not crying right now I have had tears falling most of the night.  I can't imagine how I'm going to be at work tomorrow.  Part of me tells me I'm tired and that's all it is, the logical part of me says it's not because I've been sleeping well this week and there is no way I can be tired.

I want my razor.  I want to feel it slice through my skin.  I want that comfort.  I want to know that somehow I can find comfort.  Comfort from what I don't know.  I know that this has been coming for a while.  I know I should have planned for it.  But I haven't and now I'm alone apart from my blog.   I wish I wasn't living with Mam, then I could cry, I could get high, I could cut, I could go for my midnight walks.  I just don't want to be here where Mam could find me, could see the tears.  She would ask what's wrong.  I have absolutely no idea what is wrong.

That's bollocks I know what's wrong.  I have a chemical imbalance in my brain.  Just as I have to take medication to keep my asthma under control, I have to do the same with the depression.  I spent a session with a client talking about depression and the fact in many ways its no different that asthma or diabetes.  I know this, but the thought of going back to the doctors and asking for pills is just too much.  I know that this is the time I need to fight it, I know this, I honestly do.  I just can't. I really just can't.  I have a job I love, that I never want to loose, I have a new niece or nephew on the way, I have an amazing family who love me... I have things to fight for.

I just can't.  How do I find the energy for something that almost killed me last time (and still surprised it didn't).

Help me find the Vulcan me.

"I'll keep you my dirty little secret

Dirty Little Secret

Don't tell anyone or 

you'll be just another regret

Just another regret

Hope that you can keep it

My dirty little secret

Who has to know?"

Dirty Little Secret: The All American Rejects

Long term readers of my blog (either this one or blog-city) will know that emotions are a complete mystery to me and it's only in the past few years that I have taken that step to discover what they are and how they inpact my life.

I thought I was beginning to make sense of them and then G came into my life.  He's a new member of staff and I must admit, here in the safety of the anonymous blog, that he is cute and if I could I'd go for him.  However he is married with two children so he is off limits.  I'm fine with this. I really am.  Until he starts flirting with me.  Touching me in little ways, teasing me, staring at me.

The other day we were playing in the snow with our students and he rugby tackled me into the snow and sat on me stopping me from moving, he then covered me in snow.  We stared at each other and I sware to God if it wasn't for the fact we were at work, for the fact he's married we would have kissed.

I have to be careful.  Emotions are a mystery and something I'm not so great at controlling any more.  I have lost my vulcan-ness.  Something I miss grately.  I'm not sure life with emotions is all that it's cracked up to me.  I really want to go back to vulcan-ness then G would not be an issue.

It's all made worse by the fact I'm sorta seeing someone at the moment J.  I don't have the feelings for him that I have for G. It's driving me crazy.  J is everything I thought I wanted in a partner.  We are so alike it's lovely, I can completely geek out with him, it's awesome.  But I feel no romantic attachment to him.  G on the other hand he makes me laugh, when he touches me my skin feels as though it's on fire. Just thinking about him now just makes me shiver.

I want to be a vulcan where things like this don't matter.  I won't act upon my emotions, I won't brake up a family that's not me.  I don't ever want that to be me.  I want to be vulcan. I don't want to feel like this.  I had my issues when I was a vulcan but at least emotions were not too big an issue.  If I could be stable as I am not but with the emotional cut off that I had, I'd be content.

I'm beginning to crack.  Something I hate doing in front of people more than anything else in the world, is to cry.  To cry in front of someone is showing weakness, vulnerability and it's just plain wrong.  The other day at work I don't know what happened but I was sitting in a meeting and this wave of darkness hit me and permeated within every cell of my being, digging and sinking toward my soul.   After the meeting I went to my classroom it was empty.  I focused on packing up for the night.  My boss came in and asked if I was all right.  It started before I could stop it I started crying.  She hugged me and it just got harder.  So I pushed her away and told her not too.  I told her some bullshit about how I felt I was failing in my job, I was overwhelmed with the paper work and she fell for it hook line and sinker.  How can I tell someone who just weeks earlier I was telling that I am more stable now than I have ever been that I'm cracking.

To be fair I have told her but I'm not sure she believes me.  I wrote her a letter.  I couldn't tell her in words how I was feeling but I could write it.  When I handed her the letter there were rules.  No talking about it.  No acknowledgement of the letter.  No feedback.  Nothing.  She went and sent me a video in response.  But she read the letter so she should have some idea of how I am feeling and yet I stood in my classroom and she believed what I was telling her.

The whole time I was talking I had the song "I'm not okay, I'm not O-fucking-kay"  I just wish someone could see the cracks that are appearing.  The high I've been on, which I always suspected, was temporary and fake.  I was in hiding.  This time though I haven't got support.  I don't have the Vulcan-ness to protect me and I can't cut as my mother would notice.  I can't get high.  My mother would notice.  So what the hell do I do.

Oh sweet Vulcan. Come back. I'm so sorry I got rid of you. Please come back. Be part of me again. Save me. Keep me safe. Let me not listen to others. I want to back so much. Protect me again.

How I have missed this feeling!

"Yeah, You could be the greatest
You can be the best
You can be the king kong banging on your chest
You could beat the world
You could beat the war
You could talk to God, go banging on his door"

Wall of Fame: The Script

A few months ago I hurt my arm/shoulder. It's very painful and it's only recently I have managed any sort of real movement, but it will hurt me terribly if I move in the wrong way or suddenly.  It has been very painful for so long.  I went to the doctors a few weeks back who refereed me to the physio.  The physio has a look at it and wasn't too sure what was wrong but suspected it was a rotate (?) cuff problem. Gave me some exercises to help. Well the pain got worse! Couldn't believe it could but it has. So talking with a physio who visits work he said that if the pain was bad I need to go back to the doctors. So I am trying to get an appointment.  However talking to the physio, I mentioned I had some tramadol which I took for my back pain.  He said if I needed to I should take it.  So I am.  I'd forgotten just how amazing I feel on this stuff.

Hopefully I can become the productive person I used to be.

Music and it's healing quantity.

"Never made it as a wise man
I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealing
Tired of living like a blind man
I'm sick of sight without a sense of feeling

And this is how you remind me
This is how you remind me
Of what I really am
This is how you remind me
Of what I really am"

 How You Remind Me: Nickleback

I was reminded this week how healing music can be.  I've been a bit down this week, more than anything because of being off work for so long and with nothing to do. One day I felt so bad I got in the car and started driving.  I had my own mix CD in the car, I put the music on loud and drove for about three hours. I felt so much better after that.  What it did remind me though is that I need music to help me with my mood.  Music also can help me to put into words how I feel, sometimes it might be the lyrics other times it might be the feel of the music, sometimes it's a mix of the two.

I really do enjoy putting on my headphones (SkullCandy thank you so much for having amazing headphones!) and put the music on, probably  louder than I should do, but I lay in bed and just allow the music to just completely consume me.  Sometimes I sing along, sometimes I just mouth along and sometimes I just let the music take over and I get lost in it.

It made me go through my music and just see what they would stir within me.  To begin with it was amazing and I remembered things I thought I had forgotten, but then there was the music that brought back feelings that I didn't want to remember and thoughts I didn't want in my head.  So I went back to music I know that help me through. 

The funny part is that two of the songs that really do help me and mean the world to me actually trigger memories of a time in my life that wasn't good, and yet they make me feel better and I'm sure it's because I beat things that time.  Slowly but surely I beat things, and perhaps that's why they help me and make me feel amazing, 'cos I know I can fight some fights.

Not sure it's going to help with the big one that I'm due.

However, the lesson I have learnt (or should I say re-learnt) is that the right music really can make a HUGE difference in ones life.  I really need to find the soundtrack that allows me to fight, the big one as well as the small one.  Music might just be my way out of the mess that is coming my way.

Bulletproof?

"So get me out of my head,

Cause it's getting kind of cramped you know

Coming ready or not

When the motor gets hot

We can do it again.

The papers say:

Johnny won't you come back home

Cause everybody knows you don't

Want to give yourself up

Then tell the truth and God will save you"

Bulletproof Heart by My Chemical Romance

So the other week at work, I had my termly review.  This consists of me rating myself against some national standards, my boss (P) doing the same thing and the vice principle (VP) and then we sit in a meeting and discuss everything.

Now last time I did this I got told off because I gave myself very low marks, so when I asked if I could train to be a tutor I was told that I needed to work on myself before that could happen.  Now since then the tutor in my room got fired, and I was asked if I would take his place.  I did.  So this time round the review is different.  No longer as a teaching assistant but as a tutor.

The meeting went very well, I gave myself some good marks, P gave me good marks, VP couldn't make the meeting.  We talked about my depression and how it effected me, we talked about the job and how I was coping with it (especially as I've hit the ground running and have no real clue what I am doing, especially since I have no quals or experience in teaching.  Youth work is very different).  I came away quite positive, and P was very complimentary on how I've been coping, and even my little melt downs are okay because I'm honest about them, I freak out because I'm not sure what I am doing is correct and I need people's support.  P likes the fact I ask for support when I need it, and sometime ask for help over the tiniest little thing because I've got myself confused or lost.  She likes the fact I'm honest about where I am.

P likes the fact that when I scored myself, on the whole she agreed with me.  She even marked me up on somethings, and only marked me down on one thing.  Mainly because I confused myself with what it was asking.  There were some I didn't understand at all and just gave up on, and she was fine with that as the jargon they use is jargon I am not use to and therefore rightly confused by it.  She said she was proud at how far I had come since my last review/supervision.

The thing is I think I lied.  Things are going so well at the moment, and God knows I am trying to enjoy it and trying to take one day a time (hey I even might be dating someone, first date went well, just waiting until after new year to make a second date).   I want to enjoy it, I want to accept it for what it is, I want to find happiness from it all, I want to really feel what people perceive me as being.  The problem is I'm waiting for the other shoe to fall.  I'm waiting for the crash, it's got to come soon.  It always does and I really don't want it.  I don't want to go back to that place but I know it's coming and that nothing I do can or will stop it.  When I fall this time, do I have the strength to stand up again, will I fall as deep as last time.  I know one thing for certain I need to find a support network or I really am screwed.  P thinks that I tell her how I'm feeling, she thinks she can read me and knows what I'm thinking and how I am doing.  It's a lie.  I know it is.  The mask is so automatic it's taken me the Christmas break to recognise it's there.  It was only when I was doing some automatic* writing that the truth comes out.  I've tried to convince myself that what I wrote was crap, it was just the old insecurities coming forth and muddying the waters.  I wonder if it is though.  Through out my life I go in cycles, I do well, I am up and then I come crashing down.  When I'm down I'm really down.  I know I need to get the support network or else I'm in BIG trouble when I crash.  It's not like my mother would ever understand. P can't really help as she keeps personal and business separate so what help is that to me.

I have these dreams, so vivid, so lucid almost memories but I know they are not.  In my dreams I am screaming at the top of my voice "I'm not okay, can you not see that, why can't you see I'm not okay".  People walk past me, until someone gags me, pulls me to the ground.  Others hold me down, all whispering something, with everyone whispering at once I have no idea what people are saying.  I'm trying to get free, people are watching what is happening but move on.  The harder I struggle the tighter people hold on until I'm suffocating.  I usually wake up at this point gasping for breath and a feeling of doom and dream permeating into every cell of my body.  Makes it hard to shift.

I am doing so well at the moment, I don't want to loose it, like really don't want to loose it.  I know I will have to have some rough patches, it's just what life is. But to come crashing down, going down to where I used to be.  I don't have the strength to do that all over again.  It almost killed me last time.  In fact I'm not sure how or why I survived last time.  I had no right to survive. I never did, and still don't understand, why is it I don't have kidney failure or liver failure, why my heart still beats, how I am so well and there are no side effects from all those times I took pills and alcohol mix.  I used to take 8 paracetamol with a BIG bottle of WKD.  The paracetamol alone was enough to kill me, so how the hell did I survive.  I just don't understand.

I shouldn't concentrate so much on these things, I know that.  It quicken the spiral down.  What I need to do is to start creating a support network, I just have no idea how to do that. Anyone who asks me how I'm doing, I say I'm doing great, life couldn't be better, which isn't fair off the truth at the moment.  But it's what comes next that I can't talk to anyone about and it scares me shitless.  Once this year something happened and  I planned how I was going to die and even bought what I needed to carry out the plan.  I choose a location, a time and a date.  I could still do it... at this moment in time I really don't, but what if I go back there again.  What then?  What will stop me?  No one really knows me any more, no one can read my signs.  Only a handful of people ever could and they are not part of my everyday life any more.  I have no one who can help keep tabs on me.

I really think that when I fall this time, I will fall and never get back up.


*For those who don't know automatic writing is when you start writing something like a journal entry and you just write what you're thinking and what you're feeling.  Sometimes if there is a lot to say or you've suppressed something the pen with the aid of your subconscious takes over.  When this happens some home truths come out.  Always put what you write away for a few days before reading over it, or else you'll just dwell.  Read it again and work out what you need to deal with, what to ignore and what's just crap.

mnplah

I don't know weather it's the pain in my arm, or the painkillers & anti-inflammatory mix I'm taking for the pain, but I feel like crap.  I want to just crawl into a corner and just cry and pretend that the world doesn't exist.  Although I can't feel the pain, I know the pain is there because I'm in a really crappy mood, I have no patience, I want to scream at everyone and just stab a knife in them telling them to get the fuck out of my face... and they are the one's who say hello to me.  Can you imagine what it'll be like for those who really piss me off?

I just wish I knew what the hell I was feeling and why!

Medication

I wanted freedom
Bound and restricted
I tried to give you up
But I'm addicted

Time is Running Out: Muse

Many years ago I was but on Tramadol for chronic back pain.  Tramadol is a powerful painkiller with some interesting side effects.  As always side effects can vary from person to person.  For me my appetite was suppressed to the point I actually managed to lost weight (which on my diet is quite impressive).   Which made me feel amazing.  I didn't sleep but I was more productive and actually accomplished a lot more than I currently do or have done ever before. I was in awe of what I managed to do and who I became.  I miss the me on Tramadol.  I had some majorly bad back pain earlier in the week. I  had no painkillers so I went to the doctors and got some of my tramadol again.

My appetite was suppressed, I was actually stoked to try and get some work done and have got a load of work for my new role done.  I felt good, I felt human, I felt amazing.  Would it really be wrong of me to try and get put on tramadol on a full time basis so I can be a better person, so I can be more productive in all that I do, that I can start to fit in my clothes again!  How could it ever be wrong to take something that allows you to be a better version of yourself.

I have taken anti-depressants to help me out when things get really bad for me, that is semi-social acceptable to do, so why can't I take Tramadol on a permanent basis and use that as my anti-depressant.  

Bubble expansion

We never thought we'd find a place where we belong.
Don't have to stand alone, we'll never let you fall.
Don't need permission to decide what you believe.

I said jump, down on Jump Street.
I said jump, down on Jump Street.

Your friends will be there when your back is to the wall.
You'll find you'll need us cause there's no one else to call.
When it was hopeless a decision is what you need.

You'd better be ready to, be ready to jump.
21 Jump Street.
Theme from 21 Jump Street

So I'm still waiting for the bubble to pop, but I have had some amazing news today... news which I can only share on here because I can not share with anyone in RL.  I am being made temporary tutor at college as our current on just got fired and they needed someone else to step in.  I'm getting tutor pay, and currently trying to convince them that I will do a good job and they should help me get my quals. So bubble hasn't pop yet but when it does I wonder if I can cope.  I hope so.

Bubbles

Round like a circle in a spiral, like a wheel within a wheel
Never ending or beginning on an ever spinning reel
Like a snowball down a mountain, or a carnival balloon
Like a carousel that's turning running rings around the moon

Windmills of your mind: Johnny Mathis

I'm in this weird little bubble at the moment.  Things are going well for me at the moment, and providing I don't well and truly fuck it up,  I think there is a possibility of a promotion in my career which would be amazing.  Things are going well for me, but I am just waiting for the bubble to pop.  Not because I want it too pop but because it always pops, that's the story of my life.  I am trying to enjoy things whilst I can, but when that pop happens, I'm terrified. 

I can admit here, because this is a safe space for me, that I honestly didn't think I would see out this year.  I had been on Anti-depressants for so long, and as my long term readers know, I hate being on those things and the thought that I can only live my life by being on them was not something I could entertain.  I hate  being on Asthma medication which will be a life long thing, but the thought of being on Anti-depressants was killing me.  Especially since I am the worst medication taker ever!  The better I feel the less regularly I take the stuff, inhalers included.  Which means I tend to mess up my system badly but improper taking of regular medication.  However, at the moment I am completely off the meds, which is fantastic.  If I had to be on meds for the rest of my life just to live it, and please keep in mind at this point that when I'm on meds, the reason they work is because I don't feel anything, they make me tired so I sleep at night, they allow me to relax to the point I just don't care about anything, nothing matters to me... well not  that nothing matters to me, but nothing fazes me.... it's hard to explain.  Sometimes I wish I my dyslexia allowed me a better handle of the English Language so that I can find the words I need to write things, like my blog.  As I said in my previous post, I am fighting something, but I have no idea what though.... I honestly don't think it's depression... but there is something, bubbling underneath, waiting, waiting for something to allow it out and start to take over.  The strange thing is that although I am fighting it, I'm not totally convinced I want to fight it.

Most of the time I don't know what I want, out of my career, out of my money, out of my life, out of my friends, out of my family.  I despised being touched but at the same time, I want someone to hold me, to hug me and tell me that they love me, totally and utterly love me..... and yet I don't want to be in love.  I want to have sex, know what it's like to have someone inside me so intimately and yet the thought of allowing someone that close to me physically, emotionally and mentally disgusts me.... I am a walking contradiction and I just wish I knew what to do about it.  I've joined dating websites, but the thought of meeting those I talk to and enjoy spending time with online, scares me to death.  I love my job, I love my students, I even love most of my co-workers but I the thought of getting out of bed and going to work for the rest of my life (however, long that may be).

I wish I could make a decision in my life and not feel like a hypocrite or that I'm doing it to make some sort of statement.  I wish I could tell if the decisions I make in my life are my decisions or something imposed upon me by family or society.

The long and short of it is that whilst I'm in this bubble where I feel fairly content and happy, more so that most other times in my life, I'm going to be in the moment.  When that bubble pops, I don't know what I'll do I honestly don't.  I don't know.... I just don't know.....