Sex and Tears

Last night G and I, as always, were having sex as our goodbye for the week.  We know that we have to part ways and that we shouldn't leave it too late but we can't help but have a bit of fun before going on our way for the week.

I have trouble achieving as orgasm. Try as we might, we just don't seem to be able to get me their, whether it's via cliterol stimulation, virginal stimulation or lots of different types of stimulation. It is frustrating for me, and it's beginning to get frustrating for G and he's beginning to blame himself.

He can't blame himself as I have never manage to orgasm even when it's me on my own.  It's just something I have struggled to do.  G can try all he likes I struggle to orgasm and it's something to do with me.  I have a psychological block on this.  It doesn't matter what I do, or what someone else does I can't manage it.

Last week it changed.  We were in bed, he was doing his thing and I was getting more and more worked up and I just couldn't get anywhere so I asked him to stop.  We then had sex, he came and we cuddled for a bit.  He went to get drinks, I pretended to fall asleep and he left me too it.  Once he left the room, I couldn't stop myself I just cried.  I managed to do it quietly so he couldn't hear me.  I then got up, showered dressed, and joined him in the front room so we could play a game before going home.  He never knew.  That's the way I wanted it.

This week, however, something went really wrong.  We were in bed, he'd been playing with me for a while and I was really getting excited, and I swear I was close to climaxing, but something happened and I just burst into tears.  I had to tell him to stop.  I tried not to cry but I just couldn't stop myself.  I lay in his arms sobbing.  He just held me until it subsided.  He tried to talk to me about it, but it's a mystery to me as it is to him.  We talked about something else until I felt I was calm, but as soon as we stopped, I started crying again and again.  He was trying to hold me but I pulled away from him and just sat on the edge of the bed.  He tried to touch me but I just pulled away.  For a good five minute I just sat there crying.  Not being able to stop.  Eventually I settled and I got back in to bed.  He just held me.  We tried talking, but I don't know what was going on and I was getting as frustrated as him so we just talked about Glitch.  A new netflix show we had just finished watching.  I then started him going again and we just played and had sex, but I wasn't really into it and I ended up in pain, and he didn't come.  I think I only started stuff up again to prove that I wasn't that broken.  We both ended up falling flat.

What the hell is wrong me! why can't I just be normal.  Why can't I get excited, have an orgasm and have fun in bed.  Why am I always the broken one, the abnormal one.  Why can't I climax, I don't fucking understand this.

Every part of my body is telling me to run.  I don't like to cry in front of people, and I've told G this before.  We talked about this last night, and he said he doesn't want me to hide anything, he doesn't want me to keep stuff like this from him.  He wants to support me in my vulnerability.  Now all I want to do is run.  Run away as fast as I can.  I don't want to be around him.  I hate the fact I've been like this.  Why did I have to fuck things up? Why am I just so broken and wrong?  I hate being me sooo much.

Bingo

Settle down for a moment cause your heart is beating hard

Baby you've been my lover, and I told you from the start

Better no promises, and I'll do you no harm

But you're keen on the question I tell you not to pop

But maybe it's been a hurting, it's been hurting from the start

Do you not coping then tear it apart

Never wanted it this way

Oh baby I'm dying I'm crying over it

Maybe you feel it to, oh baby I'm blue

Soulweaper pt 2: Volbeat

During August I spent very little time in my own house or my own bed.

It's been quite something.

I have never experienced anything like this, and I'm not just talking about the sex (and a lot of it).  We spend time together and it's so comfortable it's like we've always just been.  I struggle with change, always have done.  Even the littlest, like buying a new pair of Dr. Martins, or changing my washing powder.  It's really hard to do, then the big things happen.  Staying at people's houses is one of those things.  I have a friend whom I stay with at least once a year as my holiday. I have done this for nearly a decade and it's only in the past three years that I have finally got comfortable with this.

With my man, G, it's different.  I never went through that freak out at staying at his.  I've only had minor freak-outs when I over think everything.  If I can get my head to shut up I am totally comfortable with him and the whole idea of us.

From the start G said that this would not be a long term thing as he didn't want a long term relationship or a long distance relationship.  On our last night together, he admitted that he didn't want things to end and that, although he still wasn't hooked on the idea of a long distance relationship, he wanted to see where we might end up.

So this is what we're doing.  We are giving things ago.  We talk a lot when we can both get online together.  I drove up to him for a night just the other week because I missed him.  I have never missed anyone as I missed him.  And it really wasn't the sex.  I just missed talking to him, being in each other's arms as we watched a film, the teasing, playing board games together... just the little things.  I really missed them.

Throughout August we were basically living together.  Mostly we were at his cos he has a double bed, I still have my single.  For a week we were at mine.  But the only nights we spent apart were the nights I was away for work.  I think it totalled 9 nights in 5 weeks.  In the last week whilst at mine he was meant to be looking for a place to live, but never did.  He waited until we parted ways and he went to his parents, only then did he start looking for a place to live and started making plans for his move and new job.  T

That last week was amazing though.  I manged to have a week of no learners and providing it looked like I was working I got away with it.  So we had a few days out, played lots of new games that we bought, lots of sex and watching films... just normal every day stuff.

The first night without him was so much harder than I thought.  That's when I realised I was beginning have have real feelings.  I'm not sure this is a good idea because we both are not sure a long distance relationships is what we want.  Yet here we are, in a long distance relationship.  I'm going to get my heartbroken, I'm sure of it. Yet I don't want to walk away from this.

He didn't break my barriers, they are still there.  He just walked through them all as if they were not there.  This confuses the hell out me anyway, and yet I don't often freak out.  I get the feeling that this isn't a good idea, I have moments where I know I'm feeling stuff and I try and force these feelings away.  I don't want to ruin what we have, it's too much fun.

Neither of us are particularly goo, but our resent time together we have had some goo moments.  It's nice.

Oh god, don't let it destroy me when my heart breaks... please.

Pros and Cons

I am really struggling.  Part of it my own fault because I stopped taking my meds for a few days and started off a crash.  When I started the meds up again I moved back into my manic phases, although it will be a while before I'm actually in full mania.

Since I fucked up the meds I am, emotionally, all over the place.  Today I have been up since 5am, I didn't go to bed until 3.30am so sleep is not on my agenda at the moment.  I spent an hour or so crying, and I don't just mean a little cry, I mean full on, from the depth of my soul sobbing.  I couldn't tell you what it was about, but it was just crying and I struggled for it to stop.

As a result during the day, any sort of big emotion I felt almost brought me to tears.  I'm trying to get the flat's management company to sort out the leak in the porch.  This has been an ongoing issue for about 3 years now.  No-one now why this happens or where it all originates from.  We just know it does it.  So I am now documenting everything and emailing it all to them.  So I was talking to someone from the management company today and they are going through all the motions of what has already happened in the past.  They have sent three different companies to have a look at the problem, all of which have said three different things, and have done three different things to the porch and yet it still leaks.  So they are sending out another company!  He even asked if I had reported it before, so I found all my emails about it and read off the dates to him, and told them which ones had videos on or photos on.  I was getting frustrated at this point, and although I didn't start shouting at him, I wasn't exactly being nice to him either.  Anyway, when I put the phone down on him I almost burst into tears, but I was at work on a break so I couldn't fall apart so I distracted myself and kept on going.

I was on my way to work, went the wrong way and ended up being stuck on the motorway and was late for the meeting I was due to attend.  I was only about five minutes late, but still, I sat in the car praying that I would not cry and that I could keep on going.  I couldn't fall apart again.

I have spent three days feeling so overwhelmed about what I needed to do that I struggled to even get out of bed.  It was easier to just stay in bed and only occasionally  got out of bed to go to the loo or get some water.  I couldn't even watch anything because the thought of choosing something to watch was too much to bare.  So I put my music on random and I just had music going.  This morning it took me nearly an hour just to decide what clothes I was going to wear to work!

Even now I'm just finding everything overwhelming that I don't understand how I am even functioning.  I just want to stay in bed and never move again, but something keeps me going.

With the money I have been awarded I am going to get a cleaner, that would help me slightly.  Knowing that the flat is clean and tidy will mean that it's one thing that I don't need to get overwhelmed by.

Like I said I don't understand how I am functioning.

So far I don't see any benefits to being Bipolar!                            

How?

Whenever I lay me down to sleep

I pray the Lord your soul to keep

And bring you home safe to me, for ever darling

Do I love you?

Do I love you?

Do I love you?

Do I love you (Indeed I do) - Frank Wilson

Anyone who has known me for any length of time know that I truly believed I was made to be single.  It's part of my make up and I made peace with that a long time ago and made a life accordingly, never having to think about another person etc.

However, with CD, entering my life things have changed.  I have turned into one of those ridiculous people who just go gaga thinking about him, who smiles when their phone goes and just can't wait until I see him.  I can't get over how different I am and how I see things differently.

I have been to the doctor to talk about contraception, not that I've acted on it but I have actually started talking and seriously thinking about sleeping with this guy.  It's been a long time since I have felt sexually attracted to someone.  It scares me how real this could be, I am desperately trying to not freak myself out, to take my time but not drag my heals.  I am taking stock of my feelings and moving accordingly.  I am hoping that I can take the next step without completely freaking myself or him out.

How quickly can you fall in love? I have real feelings for him and they are intense.  So much so I do keep freaking myself out with all of it, and thinking about it all.  I am trying not to rush into anything too quickly after all we've only known each other 5 weeks, dated for 3 of those.  We talk every single day, and try and see each other as often as we can which is hard.  We're quite a distance from each other, he works shifts, only gets one weekend off in three and he has a daughter to see.  It makes it hard but it's so worth the effort.

There are times I feel I am being over cautious, there are times I feel overwhelmed and things are going to fast.  However, CD knows when I'm freaking out and allows me to just do what I need to do.  He looks at me and tells me how cute I am when I freak out.  Then he kisses me and everything just fades away, the important thing is he's allowing me time and space to work stuff out.

I told him I had never slept with anyone and he's never pushed me or brought the subject up.  He said he wouldn't push me, but when I'm ready there is a bed waiting.  He is happy though to just spend time with me and allow me to work through what it is I need to do.   He is not pressuring me into anything.  He just goes with the flow and I push myself to make things work, but not push myself to the point where I feel bad.  I'm enjoying the journey out of my comfort zone.  I sat in his house the other day, on his bed where we lay in each others arms whilst kissing.  That was it.   no pushing, no touching, just chatting and kissing.  It was so overwhelming but I loved it.

So I ask.... how the hell did this happen to me?!

Help me find the Vulcan me.

"I'll keep you my dirty little secret

Dirty Little Secret

Don't tell anyone or 

you'll be just another regret

Just another regret

Hope that you can keep it

My dirty little secret

Who has to know?"

Dirty Little Secret: The All American Rejects

Long term readers of my blog (either this one or blog-city) will know that emotions are a complete mystery to me and it's only in the past few years that I have taken that step to discover what they are and how they inpact my life.

I thought I was beginning to make sense of them and then G came into my life.  He's a new member of staff and I must admit, here in the safety of the anonymous blog, that he is cute and if I could I'd go for him.  However he is married with two children so he is off limits.  I'm fine with this. I really am.  Until he starts flirting with me.  Touching me in little ways, teasing me, staring at me.

The other day we were playing in the snow with our students and he rugby tackled me into the snow and sat on me stopping me from moving, he then covered me in snow.  We stared at each other and I sware to God if it wasn't for the fact we were at work, for the fact he's married we would have kissed.

I have to be careful.  Emotions are a mystery and something I'm not so great at controlling any more.  I have lost my vulcan-ness.  Something I miss grately.  I'm not sure life with emotions is all that it's cracked up to me.  I really want to go back to vulcan-ness then G would not be an issue.

It's all made worse by the fact I'm sorta seeing someone at the moment J.  I don't have the feelings for him that I have for G. It's driving me crazy.  J is everything I thought I wanted in a partner.  We are so alike it's lovely, I can completely geek out with him, it's awesome.  But I feel no romantic attachment to him.  G on the other hand he makes me laugh, when he touches me my skin feels as though it's on fire. Just thinking about him now just makes me shiver.

I want to be a vulcan where things like this don't matter.  I won't act upon my emotions, I won't brake up a family that's not me.  I don't ever want that to be me.  I want to be vulcan. I don't want to feel like this.  I had my issues when I was a vulcan but at least emotions were not too big an issue.  If I could be stable as I am not but with the emotional cut off that I had, I'd be content.

I'm beginning to crack.  Something I hate doing in front of people more than anything else in the world, is to cry.  To cry in front of someone is showing weakness, vulnerability and it's just plain wrong.  The other day at work I don't know what happened but I was sitting in a meeting and this wave of darkness hit me and permeated within every cell of my being, digging and sinking toward my soul.   After the meeting I went to my classroom it was empty.  I focused on packing up for the night.  My boss came in and asked if I was all right.  It started before I could stop it I started crying.  She hugged me and it just got harder.  So I pushed her away and told her not too.  I told her some bullshit about how I felt I was failing in my job, I was overwhelmed with the paper work and she fell for it hook line and sinker.  How can I tell someone who just weeks earlier I was telling that I am more stable now than I have ever been that I'm cracking.

To be fair I have told her but I'm not sure she believes me.  I wrote her a letter.  I couldn't tell her in words how I was feeling but I could write it.  When I handed her the letter there were rules.  No talking about it.  No acknowledgement of the letter.  No feedback.  Nothing.  She went and sent me a video in response.  But she read the letter so she should have some idea of how I am feeling and yet I stood in my classroom and she believed what I was telling her.

The whole time I was talking I had the song "I'm not okay, I'm not O-fucking-kay"  I just wish someone could see the cracks that are appearing.  The high I've been on, which I always suspected, was temporary and fake.  I was in hiding.  This time though I haven't got support.  I don't have the Vulcan-ness to protect me and I can't cut as my mother would notice.  I can't get high.  My mother would notice.  So what the hell do I do.

Oh sweet Vulcan. Come back. I'm so sorry I got rid of you. Please come back. Be part of me again. Save me. Keep me safe. Let me not listen to others. I want to back so much. Protect me again.

Music and it's healing quantity.

"Never made it as a wise man
I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealing
Tired of living like a blind man
I'm sick of sight without a sense of feeling

And this is how you remind me
This is how you remind me
Of what I really am
This is how you remind me
Of what I really am"

 How You Remind Me: Nickleback

I was reminded this week how healing music can be.  I've been a bit down this week, more than anything because of being off work for so long and with nothing to do. One day I felt so bad I got in the car and started driving.  I had my own mix CD in the car, I put the music on loud and drove for about three hours. I felt so much better after that.  What it did remind me though is that I need music to help me with my mood.  Music also can help me to put into words how I feel, sometimes it might be the lyrics other times it might be the feel of the music, sometimes it's a mix of the two.

I really do enjoy putting on my headphones (SkullCandy thank you so much for having amazing headphones!) and put the music on, probably  louder than I should do, but I lay in bed and just allow the music to just completely consume me.  Sometimes I sing along, sometimes I just mouth along and sometimes I just let the music take over and I get lost in it.

It made me go through my music and just see what they would stir within me.  To begin with it was amazing and I remembered things I thought I had forgotten, but then there was the music that brought back feelings that I didn't want to remember and thoughts I didn't want in my head.  So I went back to music I know that help me through. 

The funny part is that two of the songs that really do help me and mean the world to me actually trigger memories of a time in my life that wasn't good, and yet they make me feel better and I'm sure it's because I beat things that time.  Slowly but surely I beat things, and perhaps that's why they help me and make me feel amazing, 'cos I know I can fight some fights.

Not sure it's going to help with the big one that I'm due.

However, the lesson I have learnt (or should I say re-learnt) is that the right music really can make a HUGE difference in ones life.  I really need to find the soundtrack that allows me to fight, the big one as well as the small one.  Music might just be my way out of the mess that is coming my way.

Bulletproof?

"So get me out of my head,

Cause it's getting kind of cramped you know

Coming ready or not

When the motor gets hot

We can do it again.

The papers say:

Johnny won't you come back home

Cause everybody knows you don't

Want to give yourself up

Then tell the truth and God will save you"

Bulletproof Heart by My Chemical Romance

So the other week at work, I had my termly review.  This consists of me rating myself against some national standards, my boss (P) doing the same thing and the vice principle (VP) and then we sit in a meeting and discuss everything.

Now last time I did this I got told off because I gave myself very low marks, so when I asked if I could train to be a tutor I was told that I needed to work on myself before that could happen.  Now since then the tutor in my room got fired, and I was asked if I would take his place.  I did.  So this time round the review is different.  No longer as a teaching assistant but as a tutor.

The meeting went very well, I gave myself some good marks, P gave me good marks, VP couldn't make the meeting.  We talked about my depression and how it effected me, we talked about the job and how I was coping with it (especially as I've hit the ground running and have no real clue what I am doing, especially since I have no quals or experience in teaching.  Youth work is very different).  I came away quite positive, and P was very complimentary on how I've been coping, and even my little melt downs are okay because I'm honest about them, I freak out because I'm not sure what I am doing is correct and I need people's support.  P likes the fact I ask for support when I need it, and sometime ask for help over the tiniest little thing because I've got myself confused or lost.  She likes the fact I'm honest about where I am.

P likes the fact that when I scored myself, on the whole she agreed with me.  She even marked me up on somethings, and only marked me down on one thing.  Mainly because I confused myself with what it was asking.  There were some I didn't understand at all and just gave up on, and she was fine with that as the jargon they use is jargon I am not use to and therefore rightly confused by it.  She said she was proud at how far I had come since my last review/supervision.

The thing is I think I lied.  Things are going so well at the moment, and God knows I am trying to enjoy it and trying to take one day a time (hey I even might be dating someone, first date went well, just waiting until after new year to make a second date).   I want to enjoy it, I want to accept it for what it is, I want to find happiness from it all, I want to really feel what people perceive me as being.  The problem is I'm waiting for the other shoe to fall.  I'm waiting for the crash, it's got to come soon.  It always does and I really don't want it.  I don't want to go back to that place but I know it's coming and that nothing I do can or will stop it.  When I fall this time, do I have the strength to stand up again, will I fall as deep as last time.  I know one thing for certain I need to find a support network or I really am screwed.  P thinks that I tell her how I'm feeling, she thinks she can read me and knows what I'm thinking and how I am doing.  It's a lie.  I know it is.  The mask is so automatic it's taken me the Christmas break to recognise it's there.  It was only when I was doing some automatic* writing that the truth comes out.  I've tried to convince myself that what I wrote was crap, it was just the old insecurities coming forth and muddying the waters.  I wonder if it is though.  Through out my life I go in cycles, I do well, I am up and then I come crashing down.  When I'm down I'm really down.  I know I need to get the support network or else I'm in BIG trouble when I crash.  It's not like my mother would ever understand. P can't really help as she keeps personal and business separate so what help is that to me.

I have these dreams, so vivid, so lucid almost memories but I know they are not.  In my dreams I am screaming at the top of my voice "I'm not okay, can you not see that, why can't you see I'm not okay".  People walk past me, until someone gags me, pulls me to the ground.  Others hold me down, all whispering something, with everyone whispering at once I have no idea what people are saying.  I'm trying to get free, people are watching what is happening but move on.  The harder I struggle the tighter people hold on until I'm suffocating.  I usually wake up at this point gasping for breath and a feeling of doom and dream permeating into every cell of my body.  Makes it hard to shift.

I am doing so well at the moment, I don't want to loose it, like really don't want to loose it.  I know I will have to have some rough patches, it's just what life is. But to come crashing down, going down to where I used to be.  I don't have the strength to do that all over again.  It almost killed me last time.  In fact I'm not sure how or why I survived last time.  I had no right to survive. I never did, and still don't understand, why is it I don't have kidney failure or liver failure, why my heart still beats, how I am so well and there are no side effects from all those times I took pills and alcohol mix.  I used to take 8 paracetamol with a BIG bottle of WKD.  The paracetamol alone was enough to kill me, so how the hell did I survive.  I just don't understand.

I shouldn't concentrate so much on these things, I know that.  It quicken the spiral down.  What I need to do is to start creating a support network, I just have no idea how to do that. Anyone who asks me how I'm doing, I say I'm doing great, life couldn't be better, which isn't fair off the truth at the moment.  But it's what comes next that I can't talk to anyone about and it scares me shitless.  Once this year something happened and  I planned how I was going to die and even bought what I needed to carry out the plan.  I choose a location, a time and a date.  I could still do it... at this moment in time I really don't, but what if I go back there again.  What then?  What will stop me?  No one really knows me any more, no one can read my signs.  Only a handful of people ever could and they are not part of my everyday life any more.  I have no one who can help keep tabs on me.

I really think that when I fall this time, I will fall and never get back up.


*For those who don't know automatic writing is when you start writing something like a journal entry and you just write what you're thinking and what you're feeling.  Sometimes if there is a lot to say or you've suppressed something the pen with the aid of your subconscious takes over.  When this happens some home truths come out.  Always put what you write away for a few days before reading over it, or else you'll just dwell.  Read it again and work out what you need to deal with, what to ignore and what's just crap.

Bubbles

Round like a circle in a spiral, like a wheel within a wheel
Never ending or beginning on an ever spinning reel
Like a snowball down a mountain, or a carnival balloon
Like a carousel that's turning running rings around the moon

Windmills of your mind: Johnny Mathis

I'm in this weird little bubble at the moment.  Things are going well for me at the moment, and providing I don't well and truly fuck it up,  I think there is a possibility of a promotion in my career which would be amazing.  Things are going well for me, but I am just waiting for the bubble to pop.  Not because I want it too pop but because it always pops, that's the story of my life.  I am trying to enjoy things whilst I can, but when that pop happens, I'm terrified. 

I can admit here, because this is a safe space for me, that I honestly didn't think I would see out this year.  I had been on Anti-depressants for so long, and as my long term readers know, I hate being on those things and the thought that I can only live my life by being on them was not something I could entertain.  I hate  being on Asthma medication which will be a life long thing, but the thought of being on Anti-depressants was killing me.  Especially since I am the worst medication taker ever!  The better I feel the less regularly I take the stuff, inhalers included.  Which means I tend to mess up my system badly but improper taking of regular medication.  However, at the moment I am completely off the meds, which is fantastic.  If I had to be on meds for the rest of my life just to live it, and please keep in mind at this point that when I'm on meds, the reason they work is because I don't feel anything, they make me tired so I sleep at night, they allow me to relax to the point I just don't care about anything, nothing matters to me... well not  that nothing matters to me, but nothing fazes me.... it's hard to explain.  Sometimes I wish I my dyslexia allowed me a better handle of the English Language so that I can find the words I need to write things, like my blog.  As I said in my previous post, I am fighting something, but I have no idea what though.... I honestly don't think it's depression... but there is something, bubbling underneath, waiting, waiting for something to allow it out and start to take over.  The strange thing is that although I am fighting it, I'm not totally convinced I want to fight it.

Most of the time I don't know what I want, out of my career, out of my money, out of my life, out of my friends, out of my family.  I despised being touched but at the same time, I want someone to hold me, to hug me and tell me that they love me, totally and utterly love me..... and yet I don't want to be in love.  I want to have sex, know what it's like to have someone inside me so intimately and yet the thought of allowing someone that close to me physically, emotionally and mentally disgusts me.... I am a walking contradiction and I just wish I knew what to do about it.  I've joined dating websites, but the thought of meeting those I talk to and enjoy spending time with online, scares me to death.  I love my job, I love my students, I even love most of my co-workers but I the thought of getting out of bed and going to work for the rest of my life (however, long that may be).

I wish I could make a decision in my life and not feel like a hypocrite or that I'm doing it to make some sort of statement.  I wish I could tell if the decisions I make in my life are my decisions or something imposed upon me by family or society.

The long and short of it is that whilst I'm in this bubble where I feel fairly content and happy, more so that most other times in my life, I'm going to be in the moment.  When that bubble pops, I don't know what I'll do I honestly don't.  I don't know.... I just don't know.....

The unexplainable that is my life

What a few months I have had.

Started a few months ago, when due to a bad judgement on my part, I honestly thought I would loose my job.  There is a bit of a thing at work where 'if your face don't fit your contract is not renewed'.  So when this misjudgement happened, I thought I'd be told that my contract would not be renewed.  However, I was most surprised to discover that I was doing to have a letter of disciplinary on my record for the next two years.  Which I have to say that all things considered, I can live with that.  What really scared me about the whole situation was the fact, that I planned to kill myself should I have lost my job.  I wrote a will and I picked out a place, got all my affairs in order, the works.  The only thing that stopped me killing myself the night I discovered that I was under disciplinary review was the fact I was the main role in a play and I could not leave everyone in the lurch.  So the plan was on the final night, after the final show.  I would say fair well to everyone, and go off to my location and that would be that.

We also had at work, this week, our PDRs (Personal Development Review).  I hate these things at the best of time as I always score myself low, this year was no different.  I actually got told off in my meeting about this as I really underestimated myself this time.  The tutor I work with scored me sevens and eights, whilst I scored myself 3s and 4s.  I got told that I'm doing a damn fine job and I need to believe in myself and be stronger in what I am doing.  Easier said than done but still it was an interesting meeting.  I actually lost sleep over it for no reason really but there you go.  That's me all over isn't it.

I have also been told at work that I can go near enough full time.  From five half days to 3 full days and 2 half days, which means I get to keep the two morning a week job I have.  I am also changing classrooms, due to the fact 'I could teach other staff lessons about how to sit down and just get on with the work we have to do'.  However there is a rumour that those who are changing classrooms are on their last chance, and if it doesn't work in the new class room then that's it.  Job gone.  I don't think that applies to me due to the PDR I got but you never know.

The not so great thing is that my business I have started up is going nowhere fast.  Not one single customer.  I'm heartbroken.  I thought that by now I would have a slow but steady stream of clients, especially since when I was practising and looking for guinea pigs volunteers I got them in abundance.  Now I can find no one.  Frustrating as all hell.  But never mind, no doubt the business will start off at some point.  Even if it is not going as quick as I had hopped.

To cry in front of you, is the worst thing I can do

 "I could hurt someone like me,
Out of spite or jealousy.
I don't steal and I don't lie,
But I can feel and I can cry.
A fact I'll bet you never knew.
But to cry in front of you,
That's the worse thing I could do."

There Are Worse Things I Can Do: Grease

Prayer in community has be really hard for me for quite a while.  However, after months of discussion and a doctors visit (!), things are beginning to settle.  I've managed to have some nice prayer times, that have been suitable for me.   Today, during prayer, we were asked to write a letter to ourselves.  Quite a hard thing today, but I set my music up, put my headphones in and started to write.  When I write like this, I don't often know what it is I'm writing.  I stop thinking about it and allow the words just flow. 

Reading back over what I wrote was really interesting.  It's really made me thing.  I talked about the fact that right now I am at a crossroads, a terrifying crossroads.  At this junction in my life I can either choose life or go back to the hermit I was.  I either have to take life by it's hands and celebrate and enjoy it as much as I can, allow my healing journey to continue.  Or I can stop, I can go back to what I was.  The hermit, the cutter, the depressive. The problem with going back to being the depressive, is that I know what enjoying life means.  I understand what it means to have friends, a social life.  I'm not sure I could go back, and be content.  The problem is with moving forward on the healing journey is I have to face my demons.  I have to trust someone enough to allow myself to cry in front of them.

I have to take and own my emotions.  I need to be in control, rather than them controlling me all the time.  Someone once said to me that you need to be scared to be brave.  However I'm terrified, and I'm not sure I have the strength or the friends to get me through the healing journey.  The more I think about it, the more I dwell on it, the more terrified I become, paralysing terror.

I don't know what I'm going do or what way on the crossroads I'm going to go.  I'm just not sure I'm strong enough for it.  I don't know what to do, no one can tell me what to do.  I'm stuck at the crossroads and can't move. 

I'm paralysed.

emotions

We've had an emotional day in community today.  One of our team members left, and it's brought on a lot of tears by people, baring me.  I haven't cried once.  In fact I don't feel anything.  It's part of life that people come and go. I accept that so I feel nothing, however I have made some flippant comments that have upset a number of people on community.  I have been more flippant that I would have normally been, and I think that's my way of showing my feelings.

I'm upset that this person has left, and it will leave a huge hole in community, and I will miss my head nuggles, however I don't want to cry about it as I know that she will go on to live a wonderful life.  Better than my life will ever be.  Why should I be upset that she's left?  Why should I cry because everyone else is?  However interestingly because I'm not crying no one is checking to see if I'm okay, they are all coming to me for comfort.  So I am taking comfort in the pills and the alcohol and the karaoke tonight!!