I don't wanna.....

Going through the motions

Faking it somehow

I can't even see

If this is really me

I just to be alive

Going through the motions - Buffy: Once more with feeling

I don't wanna die
I don't wanna live
I don't wanna cut
I don't wanna not cut
I don't wanna sleep
I don't wanna wake up
I don't wanna smile
I don't wanna cry
I don't wanna feel
I don't wanna not feel
I don't wanna do anything
I don't wanna do nothing

In short I don't know what I want, I don't know how I feel, I don't know what I feel.  I get up, I am Going through the motions, I go to sleep.  I don't dream any more.  I sleep for a good 10 hours, more if I can manage it.  I do my chores, I do what I need to but that's it.  If I'm honest I don't even mind.  I do my voluntary work, I do my gaming groups, I go to church.  I help people if they ask for help.  It doesn't make me feel better, it doesn't fulfil me, it doesn't do anything.  I fake my smiles, I fake my laugh.  I don't cry, I don't get mad, I don't get annoyed.

The worse part is that I still can't seem to write, I can't cut, I can't get high.... Baking is the only thing that gets me feeling anything but I don't want to eat.  I've lost a stone, no ones notice.  I try hard not to eat much.  At the moment I have to eat four times a day as I've had tonsillitis for about three weeks, my antibiotics dictate I eat.  However, before that I had some weetabix for lunch and then a sausage sandwich or some soap for dinner.  I drink coke to keep my calories  up, I have vitamin supplements so I don't get too ill.  

I have projects to do around the flat.... not getting done.  I have a qualification I'm studying for.... very slowly doing it.  I resent having a pet to take care of but I do it.  I resent having to shower, I resent cooking and eating.   I have books to read.... all they do is make me sleep, I have games to complete but can't focus on them.

My prayer every night is just not to wake up in the morning.  I resent waking up.  What's the point?!