Not Well

I know I should go and get some help but I'm really struggling to get motivated to do it.

I am very erratic at taking my meds, and I know this is a bad thing.

I am tired all the time.

I am struggling to eat properly.

I am struggling to clean the flat (I do have a cleaner but she's not been in for a while).

I am struggling to keep myself clean.

I am struggling to wash my clothes.

I am struggling to keep myself motivated.

I struggle to sleep.

I struggle to wake up.

I struggle to concentrate on anything.

I struggle to keep my anger under control.

I struggle to get any work done.

I struggle to not cut.

I struggle not to drink.

I struggle to not cry all the time.

I struggle to be around people.

I need to go and get help.

But I'm struggling.

Reflection

It's been over a year since I was diagnosed as being Bipolar and things have changed.  To begin with there was a sense of relief that there was something physiological that was causing my depression and hyperness.  It wasn't just me being broken or failing at life.  There was an honest to god reason why I had had a duality all my life.  The relief was insane.  It helped me fight to get my life back.  I went on medication, which has changed me.  My brain works slower, it's like living my life through treacle.  The upside is that I can live my life.  I don't get so depressed, I still have my days in bed but I don't get suicidal, and I have only self harmed once.

Over a year later and I'm beginning to resent this change.  I don't like how it takes me longer to assimilate information and learn new skills.  I don't like how I feel like I am sleep walking through life.  I do socialise more, I do know that I am better than I have been my entire life, but I miss my old life.  I know how ridiculous this might sound, it's not that I miss the depression I just miss me. I miss my creativity, I miss feeling things..... I just miss what I know.  The safety of knowing that I would spend hours in bed and that was what my world was.  Part of me wants that back.

Last year I met someone GJ.  We spent a lot of time together talking about stuff and enjoying each others company.  I had told him about my life before my diagnosis and how I was struggling with the diagnosis, the medication and how my life had been ripped out from beneath me.  He knew about my self harming and my suicide attempts.  One evening we were talking, and I was saying how my medication made my libido run in overdrive.  Then one week I was having a tough week.  I was crying in the pub so people notices, he came back to my place and stayed with me until I was settled.  The Friday we were out at another gaming group and he came back to mine.  We feel asleep on my sofa.  Next night I'm at his, and suddenly, for the first time ever, I'm having a sexual relationship.  We agreed that this would only carry on for a month until he moved away, there was to be no long term relationship and no long distance relationship.  

11 months later we are still together. I don't know if it's the right thing to do though.  He is over a decade younger than I.  He will want kids at some point, and it is dangerous for me to have children, not sure I want them.  I want him to be happy and content and I don't feel that I can offer him that.  He deserves more than someone who doesn't know what their mood is going to be like from one day to the next.  He deserves someone who he can start a family with, who is will introduce to his family and friends.

I don't want it to stop.  I know I need to stop it. But what we have is comfortable, it makes me feel safe, I know I can be real with him.

I miss my old life. The life when I could stay in bed or be as hyper as an atom on heat.  I want to go back to before my diagnosis when the world make sense to me.  My life now doesn't make sense, and I don't like it.  I want my life back.

Family

I have a finely balanced relationship with my family.  I would appear to family events as my duty and then go on with my life with the occasional nod to the family when it was needed.  If I turned up to any event there would be very little opportunity for me to talk about what was going on in my life, my job or how I was feeling about anything.  I would just sit there talking about their lives.  When the niece and nephews came along it became easier to be around as I could just concentrate on them.  Be the fun aunt who made them laugh and spoilt them.  I didn't need to talk about my life or my feelings.  There was just the kids.

I'm not sure my sister or my mother realise this happens.

Then I got ill.  I think at that point my mother realised there was a lot in my life I just never talked about, never let her into.  This has put a chasm between us.... or more to the point, made her realise there was a chasm there.  In the past, I have tried to talk to her about things but she never wanted to listen.  She didn't seem to care about it, I don't think she knows how to deal with it.  All she does is make me feel like I'm broken.

Then I started seeing G.  I say seeing, we're not a couple as such, we enjoy each others company, we enjoy teasing each other, we enjoy spending time together, and we certainly enjoy the sex.  We are not the love of each others lives.  At some point, he will find someone his own age who will give him the family he deserves, whom he wants to wine and dine, whom he wants to be romantic with.  I am not that person and I will never be the person.  However, I screwed up very early on.  I told my mother about him.  It was more because I needed help with my pet.as I was going away at weekends. 

She is now putting pressure on to meet him.  Neither G nor I want to meet families.  Ever time I see my mother she gets wound up by the fact she has not met G yet.  It's got to the point where I try very hard to speak to her or spend time with her.  The other day she had a go at me saying that my priorities were wrong.  That I needed to spend more time with the family.  What she doesn't realise is that I am spending no less time with the family than I have before.  She's just pissed that I've not introduced her to G.

She also talked about how I should be a better support for my sister, make an effort and go and see her.  It is very rare for me to see my sister unless it's a family do.... a special occasion.  We are not close.  My sister is having problems of her own and Mam wants me to support her.  I've not told my mother that I recently went back to the CMHT and got put on anti-depressants because I was struggling with a low period and had been self-harming and thoughts of dying.   My mother does not see my mood changes.  She just wants the good me, the one she thinks she understands.

I have always just got on with things.  I have my problems and I deal with them as best I can, on my own, as I always have.  These days I do have support, G, Blaster and GM.  People in my life who know what is going on with me and I am slowly getting use to the fact that they are there if I need them.  My family is just not part of that support group.  It's just the way it is.  Always have been.  I don't turn to my family.

I think my mother is beginning to realise there is a bigger problem with me and the family.  G is a symptom of a bigger issue.

I don't know what I should do about this, or if I want to do anything about this.

I think things will get better when I move out away from her, and have a life without her, without my sister.  Just visiting at important events.  They don't need me.  I'm not sure I need them.