Well that esculated quickly.

I know I was struggling to keep the depression under control but I was doing it. I felt like crap but I went out, I was social, I was nice to people.

I had two weeks holiday from work and I was broke ao I couldn't go anywhere or do anything. All my normal groups got cancelles due to school holidays or illness. This meant I was sitting home alone all day every day. The guy from christmas was also having a hard time and was trying to talk to me about it. I couldn't cope. I took a painkiller/alcohol concotion (once) and I started cutting myself (almoat daily for one week, but kept on going for a few more weeks). It felt fantastic and I still don't regret a thing. It made me feel better.

At my Friday gaming group there is a new guy who has started and he makes me laugh. He makes me feel good about myself. He flirts with me and I like it. It doesn't scare me.... except I don't know if he's flirting because he's that sort of guy or because he likes me. He asked for my number having only known me for two weeks and, shocked myself I gave it to him! We are now facebook fruends and have spent the weekend chatting.  I'm trying to rearrange things so i have the petrol to see him on Friday.... and every friday. I don't want ti be that sort of person and I don't know if my feeling are real or a biproduct of the depressive state I am experiencing. After three weeks (two of them knowing this guy) I have stopped cutting. After our first meeting I reduced the cutting, even the number of cuts when i did.

I wish I wasn't so screwed up so I could enjoy this more. I should stop worring and enjoy what I can for as long as I can.