Is diagnosis worth it?

Is it better to know how to live a mentally well life and forget due to BP or never know mental wellness at all?
Every week or so I have coffee with a friend who has BP1 like me. We met through a group and have become good friends. We talk about overcoming our shared illness some, but mostly we talk about living day to day, being useful and productive in our lives. There is one vast difference between my friend and I that it took a while for us to figure out.
The difference is my friends BP came on in their mid 20’s, this allowed for them to receive good parenting and education up to and including a master’s degree. It was during his graduate program that BP struck and destroyed his life for the next 25 years. In my case I can never remember I time when I did not feel the symptoms of BP and have been in and out of some type of mental health care since my early teens.
So at approximately the same time in life we embarked on the path to mental wellness. Me, who never had experienced mental wellness before and my friend who had a pretty solid upbringing in a mentally well world. We get together fairly regularly to compare notes. We are both taking a similar approach in overcoming our shared illness, after passing through a phase on concentrating on our illness, we have both changed our focus to a strict concentration on mental wellness. Our search for ways to achieve mental wellness.
Which comes back to my original question. Is it better to have had mental wellness and forgotten it due to BP or is it better to never known mental wellness at all?
Aside from the fact that I envied my friend for a while because there was a base to build on that is easily seen once a stable mind was achieved, I do not know. My friend is often frustrated by the fact that they should know this stuff and doesn’t, sort of like the frustration of a dementia patient who feels they can and finds out they can’t. Whereas for me everything is a new experience and I just have to let go of the old thoughts that blocked my way to mental wellness.

http://www.bphope.com/topics/discussion/early-onset-bp-vs-late-onset-bp/

This is something I have been thinking a lot about lately.  I was diagnosed in December and a lot of this is still new to me, and getting my head around everything is such hard work.  It exhausts me within itself.

Before Diagnosis: My life was just depression and mania.  I was either in bed not moving only getting up for work so that I could pay my bills (and going to the loo and occasionally shower etc) or I was so hyper I was doing everything and anything and never accomplishing anything.  But that was my life.  I knew this life.  It had been my life for well over a decade.  I had created a life around this.  Going out when I could, staying home when I needed to.  The food I had in the flat was only food that I could snack on.  There was nothing in the house that I actually had to cook except for sausages.  There is something about sausages that no matter how ill I get I always wanted to eat sausages.  So I had frozen sausages and cocktail sausages, so that I always had them to eat.  I knew how to hide it.  I had my ways of dealing with it.  I would use tramadol and alcohol to faze out of life for a while, I would cut myself to cope with getting up the next day and try and help me to sleep for a night.  All I wanted was for people to leave me alone, not notice what was happening to me.  I would get to a point were suicide became an option, I would try and would always fail.  About a  month after this I would start cutting less and moving on the up.  This was a slow moving up, still cutting, still taking the drugs and alcohol.  All in all I was self destructive.  But I understood this life, this is what my life was.  It made sense to me.  I wasn't happy or content but I understood my life and what was happening to me. I felt safe.

During Diagnosis: It took a long time to triate my medication to the full dosage, this was around March time.  From December to March was a rocky time for me.  I was up and I was down and struggling constantly.  I had a psychiatric doctor (pdoc) and a Community Psychiatric Nurse (CPN) and they did offer me support and I felt as though I could get better.  In January I had a fugue state  day where I had no idea what I was doing that day but ended up by a railway line, couldn't get to the line because of a fence and a huge padlock but I had tried, or so the police told me.  My life was based on my bipolar, trying to get well.  I couldn't work, so I was stressed about money as I was on Statutory Sick, housing benefit and council tax reduction.  It was awful.  I applied for PIP but only got awarded that last month, after fighting for it since November.  During this time I felt like I was not a good person and that I had failed in every sense of the word.  It was through a good friend and my CPN that I started to realise that it wasn't my fault.  It was just part of who I am.  I have had people walk out of my life due to my diagnosis including my Boyfriend who I actually had real feelings for.  Something I had never experienced before.

After Diagnosis: I had one period of 'stability' that lasted maybe 3 weeks.  It was an odd feeling, not wanting to stay in bed and not wanting to do everything and anything.  I got up, I was productive and could do things and actually achieve things properly.  I was on top of my cleaning, on top of my course... it was good.  Then the mood swings started again.  The depression isn't quite as bad but the mania is worse than it's ever been.  I am up for two months, previously just a few weeks. At the moment I seem to be manic through the day and depressed at night.  I have no idea how to handle this 'new' life of mine.  I don't know how to live.  I'm so confused.  I don't like it.  My medication means I don't feel hungry so I have to force myself to eat every day and if I don't think about it I can go a couple of days without eating.  I try and take an apple to work so I at least eat that each day.  Something healthy.  I am now as thin as I was last time I was really ill.   I am afraid to get close to anyone because I know that my illness will hurt them, because I can't stop saying things I shouldn't and I don't trust myself to stay faithful.  The other night, after 2 days of not eating, took some tramodol and then had a lot to drink.  I felt so good.  I hadn't forgotten just how much I love that feeling.  Now it's all I can think about.  More than I am thinking about cutting myself again.  It's all I want to do.  I have to be careful though, if I run out of tramadol I am going to struggle to get more.  I do not feel like I am getting better, I am hyper aware of everything.  My sexual appetite is rampant, and as much as I want to sleep with almost everyone I see I can't stand the idea of someone touching me.  I feel the pressure of 'being well'.  I can see people treating me as if I shouldn't get ill any more, medication has made me well. If I show any sort of sliding people start wondering if I'm taking my medication, why am I getting ill again, and then they just constantly watch me, waiting for me to slip up.  There is a whole group who believe that I will never get ill again.

So was being diagnosed worth it... at this moment at time, no it wasn't.  I can't hide my illness any more, I have to learn to do that all over again.  I have an advantage by the fact I do not see the same people every day.  I get to do something different every day so I can hide stuff a little easier.  But people who know me can see it.  I don't think it was worth it, it wasn't worth it at all.

Holy Crap on a Stick

What in God's name is  going on.

I have been manic but happy for the past 8 weeks.  I have had a lot of energy but have been coping with it, using it productively.

I went out tonight, as I always do on a Monday to do my gaming thing.  I really enjoyed myself in the beginning and was having a lot of fun.  Then suddenly it call came crashing down around me.  Now all I want to do is cry, something I haven't done in many, many, many months and cut.

I don't understand why.

If I give in that's it, I'll have to start the fight all over again.  I don't want to do that.   But I can't handle how I feel right now.  Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

We’re on a hell slide, help us, help us

We’re on a hell slide.

9-15th: Biffy Clyro

Ruby

Under the paling landscape is a life force so powerful that for a while the poison killing the land is temporarily pushed back, held back.  It’s not a cure, but its became part of the answer.  The poison infects everything, all that it touches, all that it sees, all it experiences, it all becomes contaminated.  Unusable, to be put aside to wither and die.

The cold steal bears down as the poison fuelled storm gathers in strength threatening to destroy all in it’s path.  The landscape does not complain, it feels no pain, the life force feels no anger.   The Land acknowledges that the poisonous storm will ultimately win.  In the meantime it will take the little battles, enjoy them for a while until such time as that ultimate loss.

The steal slices into the landscape, rubies erupting from The Land, warm to the touch pushing the poison away with the aid of salt drops, mixes together, creating a barrier that, for a while, keeps the storm at bay.  So powerful are these warm rubies that the storm dies away, attempting to fight the calm that approaches through the rubies glinting in the light, bright against the paling landscape.  Beyond the rubious barrier the storm rages, never ending in it’s fury.  There is no way of blocking out the sound of the screaming storm, always there in the background slowly gaining ground to start the war again, to consume everything until there is nothing left.

The fight continues, the barrier becomes fatigued, maybe a day has past, maybe a year.  The day is coming, the storm fights through the barrier and the whole process starts again.

In the meantime The Land will take the little battles, enjoy them for a while until such time as that ultimate loss comes flying in.  On that day The Land will go dark.

One foor in front if another.

It's been 7 months since I was diagnosed with Bipolar II. I still am having problems coming to terms with it.

The medication has had a strange effect. I barely eat anymore because I am just not hungry as I am still loosng weight. This is not a bad thing because I was terribly over weight... not quite clinically obses but not far off it. I try and food in the flat so I will have something in the house to eat should I want it.  I usually force myself to eat a bowl of cereal. Luckily I am addicted to Aldis Wheatabix, also their medium cheddar is amazing so can be found occasionally be found making a cheese sandwhuch at rediculous time of the morning when I've been on the go for the past few days. Even my new clothes don't fit anymore. I only bought them six months ago!  The medication doesn't help with the mania and in fact have prolonged them. I've been up for almost two months now with no sign of crashing.  I am also beginning to firget to take my medication which happens. I am asthmatic and don't take my inhalers properly and if I am antibiotics I am known not to finish the course because I just forget.  Today is the first time in four days I've taken my medication. It doesn't help that I tried to contact my CPN about the mania just to be told that I need to ride it out and that no other medication would be perscribed. Niiice!. If they don't care why the fuck should I!

In November I applied for Personal Independant Payment. It was rejected first time. I put it in for manditory reconsideration and failed again, so I took it to tribunal. That was a royal pain in the ass. Not only did I have to find the courts which where so hidden that they are easy to miss, I had t I sut there whilst 3 strangers made judgements on my life to weather ir not I deserve additional money to get help in my life. It took about an hour. I won this. Not only did I win this, I assumed I would get the standard rate... nope I got the enhased rate and it gets back paid to Novemeber. The really annoying thing is that if I won the PIP in November I would have got additional support with my rent whilst on SSP. Insane right. I am now working full time, getting some benefits and doing okay financially but when I really needed it I got very little support. How to keep yourself well.... have money problems.

My new job is going really well. It's a job I will do really well once I get settled and undersrand the systems that they use. I am doing the assessors qual right now. Then i will finish the L5 L&D I am on then i will do my quality assurance qual. I think there is one qual after that to get and I will be as qualified as an assessor can get. It will be awesome. Most this I should do in the next 12 months if not before. I travel a lot for the job but this gets included in our hours.

Pros and Cons

I am really struggling.  Part of it my own fault because I stopped taking my meds for a few days and started off a crash.  When I started the meds up again I moved back into my manic phases, although it will be a while before I'm actually in full mania.

Since I fucked up the meds I am, emotionally, all over the place.  Today I have been up since 5am, I didn't go to bed until 3.30am so sleep is not on my agenda at the moment.  I spent an hour or so crying, and I don't just mean a little cry, I mean full on, from the depth of my soul sobbing.  I couldn't tell you what it was about, but it was just crying and I struggled for it to stop.

As a result during the day, any sort of big emotion I felt almost brought me to tears.  I'm trying to get the flat's management company to sort out the leak in the porch.  This has been an ongoing issue for about 3 years now.  No-one now why this happens or where it all originates from.  We just know it does it.  So I am now documenting everything and emailing it all to them.  So I was talking to someone from the management company today and they are going through all the motions of what has already happened in the past.  They have sent three different companies to have a look at the problem, all of which have said three different things, and have done three different things to the porch and yet it still leaks.  So they are sending out another company!  He even asked if I had reported it before, so I found all my emails about it and read off the dates to him, and told them which ones had videos on or photos on.  I was getting frustrated at this point, and although I didn't start shouting at him, I wasn't exactly being nice to him either.  Anyway, when I put the phone down on him I almost burst into tears, but I was at work on a break so I couldn't fall apart so I distracted myself and kept on going.

I was on my way to work, went the wrong way and ended up being stuck on the motorway and was late for the meeting I was due to attend.  I was only about five minutes late, but still, I sat in the car praying that I would not cry and that I could keep on going.  I couldn't fall apart again.

I have spent three days feeling so overwhelmed about what I needed to do that I struggled to even get out of bed.  It was easier to just stay in bed and only occasionally  got out of bed to go to the loo or get some water.  I couldn't even watch anything because the thought of choosing something to watch was too much to bare.  So I put my music on random and I just had music going.  This morning it took me nearly an hour just to decide what clothes I was going to wear to work!

Even now I'm just finding everything overwhelming that I don't understand how I am even functioning.  I just want to stay in bed and never move again, but something keeps me going.

With the money I have been awarded I am going to get a cleaner, that would help me slightly.  Knowing that the flat is clean and tidy will mean that it's one thing that I don't need to get overwhelmed by.

Like I said I don't understand how I am functioning.

So far I don't see any benefits to being Bipolar!