Numb

Runaway Train by Soul Asylum

Call you up in the middle of the night
Like a firefly without a light
You were there like a slow torch burning
I was a key that could use a little turning

So tired that I couldn't even sleep
So many secrets I couldn't keep
Promised myself I wouldn't weep
One more promise I couldn't keep

It seems no one can help me now
I'm in too deep
There's no way out
This time I have really led myself astray

Runaway train never going back
Wrong way on a one way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here no there

Can you help me remember how to smile
Make it somehow all seem worthwhile
How on earth did I get so jaded
Life's mystery seems so faded

I can go where no one else can go
I know what no one else knows
Here I am just drownin' in the rain
With a ticket for a runaway train

Everything is cut and dry
Day and night, earth and sky
Somehow I just don't believe it

Runaway train never going back
Wrong way on a one way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here no there

Bought a ticket for a runaway train
Like a madman laughin' at the rain
Little out of touch, little insane
It's just easier than dealing with the pain

Runaway train never going back
Wrong way on a one way track
Seems like I should be getting somewhere
Somehow I'm neither here no there

Runaway train never comin' back
Runaway train tearin' up the track
Runaway train burnin' in my veins
Runaway but it always seems the same

My job is okay, although a little tedious but that should change next year providing we get the okay on the 24th Dec. My social life is alright. I'm not getting to sleep by crying every night. I don't smoke, but saying that something happened not so long ago that concerned me and now I can't seam to get it out of my mind ad with me finding the song above which I've not heard for years has left me concerned, worried, anxious, unsettled about what is going on in my head.

The lines "IT's just easier than dealing with the pain" "Runaway train never going back , Wrong way on a one way track, Seems like I should be getting somewhere, Somehow I'm neither here no there " and "Run away but it always seams the same" These lyrics have been going over and over in my head add with that the spidode of "Everwood" where a charactor called Colin got frustrated and he cut himself. I found myself missing that. The control, the pain, the cut, the adrenaline, the comfort. I realised I miss all of this, I miss what it offered me.

I really don't know what this all means. I know I've begun to crave the cut and those lyrics are calling to me, so strongly are they calling me. I almost find myself wishing I was back there but I couldn't tell you why. Part of me is scared but there isa larger part of me that is excited by it all. I know what this sounds like, I really do, as I write this I am confused about what I am feeling and why. All I know for sure if that when he cur himself I wanted to be cut and that sond is all I can focus on.

---

I wrote the above last night. I was concerned about what I wrote so I spent some time reflecting on it and I think I finally worked it out. I don't feel. Not really feel. I do all the surface emosion stuff that one needs to do to get through life and to ensure people don't see what is really happening inside, but I haven't felt anything inside for an age. I suppose that's why I want to cut. At least when I do that I feel things. I feel things on the inside.

I have often thought about cutting, just little cuts, not slashing my wrists or anything like that, but to get a piece of glass, or a razor or even a pair of scissors and just to make a little cut, just enough so that it hurts and it bleeds. I've never given in to it, but I do think about it. I try and keep myself busy so that I don't think about it, but like most things, it's the nights that are hard, when you've slowed down to sleep, you're brain starts bringing forward things it wants you to think about. I've started reciting my times tables to help me to sleep, (which is sorta good because I'm finally learning my times table!).

I know how this all sounds but it's not as bad as you may think I promise. I'm not doing anything, I'm not crying, I'm not overdosing, in fact it's the other side of things. I'm not doing anything. I'm just numb.