Quandary

"You think that I'm strong,
You're wrong, you're wrong."
Robbie Williams Strong

A few years back I wrote a short story about a young lady who was in a psychiatric hospital. She struggled to be there, she was restraint, she got angry... all sorts of things, that looking back at it now was just how I was feeling about my life. It was how I wish I could act, how I wish people would treat me.

I recognise those feelings in me today, years after the story was written. Years after I honestly believed I put that all behind me. I spend all my time at work wishing I could trash the place in tears, people.forcing me to stop, me hitting and hurting as many people as possible. Running out of work and people.chasing me, holding me down, trying to calm me down.

I am really sick. Physically and mentally. I'm not sure I want to fight. I'm not sure I have the energy. I'm really beginning to believe that death is better that what I am feeling now. I just need courage. I don't want to keep talking about the end of my days, I don't want to keep fantasizing.about things that will never happen. I don't want someone to help.me focus on a future that probably never come true, never come to fruition.

I believe that death might be the only option. All I need now is.for God to give me the courage tobtake the pills and numb the pain. Forever.