Out of control

I don't understand how I got to this point. It's all suddenly got way out of my control. I can't hack this.

I went to a mental health wellbeing course. It was whilst I was there I realised just how much I screwed up. Not one person in that room had worked a full time job. They were what you expect when you think of people who have mental health issue. When/how did I turn into that person? Since the session I have struggled with thoughts of cutting myself. It's all I want to do. And I am tired of trying to find distractions. I am tired of trying to keep going for people, I am tired of being strong. I just want the world to fade away! I can't do this any more.

Only in hindsite

So work as given me a leave of absence so I can concentrate on getting myself better and to create a support network for myself and to freely access the support i require.  They have also given me this leave of absence on full pay. This is quite something for where I work, so I have to see this as a positive.

Today, I think, is an important day in my road to recovery, even if I can't see it right now. I need to take one day at a time and allow myself time to recover.

It scares to to tell CD or my family but I need to find out where I stand with people. I am hoping that the referal for my CPN appointment comes soon. In the meantime I am accessing Changes which is the only mental health support in my area outside of the NHS. I hope I get on top of this soon.

I feel like my world has come crashing down overnight and I don't know what I'm gonna do, but I think that's the illness speaking rather than me.

Fail!

Well, shit! I've had to go back on meds. Work have told me either I sort out my mood swings or I won't have a job any more. So yesterday I went to the doctors and explained to them what's been happening including the self harming and planning to take my own life. They have me on citilopram  (20mgs) with looking to double that in two weeks. I am also on the waiting list for a CPN (community psychiatric nurse) and further therapy. So that'll be fun. It's not what I want but I need to to keep my job so I can get my qualification so I can get a new job.

And on top of all this I need to have a converaation with CD about what I've been doind and what is happening. I doubt he'll stick around. I'll be single again before two much longer.

The doctor says I need to create a support system for myself which is a lot easier to say than do. I move too much and I don't let people in close enough to see what's going on and to say help is near impossible. But I know that without a support system I don't get better so what do I do? Any support groups near me only meet during the day and I can't afford time of work. I'm in this situation that a number of people I know are in. We manage (just) to keep down a full time job but when we need a bit of support there is nothing because we are working full time and there are no groups for out of work hours so we keep going. We hit crisis and then we have to take time of work, we loose money, and then we get into debt and things start spiralling out of control so I ask again. What am i meant to do?

I hate being ill enough to fuck up work but not ill enough to get any real support. I don't know what the answer is or what I can do about it but it plays on my mind and makes me worse as a result. I should be reducing my stress levels not increasing them.

The mental health system  (like a lot of systems in this country) is fucked.

How?

Whenever I lay me down to sleep

I pray the Lord your soul to keep

And bring you home safe to me, for ever darling

Do I love you?

Do I love you?

Do I love you?

Do I love you (Indeed I do) - Frank Wilson

Anyone who has known me for any length of time know that I truly believed I was made to be single.  It's part of my make up and I made peace with that a long time ago and made a life accordingly, never having to think about another person etc.

However, with CD, entering my life things have changed.  I have turned into one of those ridiculous people who just go gaga thinking about him, who smiles when their phone goes and just can't wait until I see him.  I can't get over how different I am and how I see things differently.

I have been to the doctor to talk about contraception, not that I've acted on it but I have actually started talking and seriously thinking about sleeping with this guy.  It's been a long time since I have felt sexually attracted to someone.  It scares me how real this could be, I am desperately trying to not freak myself out, to take my time but not drag my heals.  I am taking stock of my feelings and moving accordingly.  I am hoping that I can take the next step without completely freaking myself or him out.

How quickly can you fall in love? I have real feelings for him and they are intense.  So much so I do keep freaking myself out with all of it, and thinking about it all.  I am trying not to rush into anything too quickly after all we've only known each other 5 weeks, dated for 3 of those.  We talk every single day, and try and see each other as often as we can which is hard.  We're quite a distance from each other, he works shifts, only gets one weekend off in three and he has a daughter to see.  It makes it hard but it's so worth the effort.

There are times I feel I am being over cautious, there are times I feel overwhelmed and things are going to fast.  However, CD knows when I'm freaking out and allows me to just do what I need to do.  He looks at me and tells me how cute I am when I freak out.  Then he kisses me and everything just fades away, the important thing is he's allowing me time and space to work stuff out.

I told him I had never slept with anyone and he's never pushed me or brought the subject up.  He said he wouldn't push me, but when I'm ready there is a bed waiting.  He is happy though to just spend time with me and allow me to work through what it is I need to do.   He is not pressuring me into anything.  He just goes with the flow and I push myself to make things work, but not push myself to the point where I feel bad.  I'm enjoying the journey out of my comfort zone.  I sat in his house the other day, on his bed where we lay in each others arms whilst kissing.  That was it.   no pushing, no touching, just chatting and kissing.  It was so overwhelming but I loved it.

So I ask.... how the hell did this happen to me?!