3 months

It's been three months since G and I started our month long sex affair.  He had a scratch to itch, and I just wanted to experience sex.  We agreed that it was not to be long term, we were just going to do our thing until he left at the end of August.

The first night I slept in his bed we agreed to this.  I freaked out when he went to take my clothes off and he just help me saying that just being in bed together would be great and if we had sex that would be great.  Sex of course did happen and we've been experimenting.  Different positions, different locations, different touches, different toys.  It's been quite an awakening.  Even for him.  He's only slept with one person before.

Three months down the line we're still in our sex affair. I asked him if we were just sex and friends or if it was something more.  I admitted to him the other week that I look forward to our weekends together, more than I probably should do.  He said he enjoyed our weekends together.  He didn't know how he felt about things.

We are still carrying on with our sex affair.  I have no idea what we're doing.  I'm not even sure how I feel about things.  I know I really enjoy spending time with him.  I know I enjoy the sex we're having.  I know I enjoy talking to him about everything and anything.  

When I was seeing C he made my heart flutter, I felt sick, I was nervous.  He didn't really make feel at ease.  We had fun making out, we went out places, held hands etc but I never felt comfortable.

With G it's different.  I knew him before our sex affair, we had always spent a lot of time together and laughed and teased.  I would have some sort of party  at mine everyone would leave and it would just be me and him talking until the ridiculous hours of the morning.  It would not be unknown for him to leave after the sun had come up.  Even on a week day.  We'd be up all night and then have to go to work.  He is the only person I know where I've been hands on with, who has been hands on with me and I have not freaked out.  He saw my walls, my moats, my barriers and walked through them all as if they were not even there.

I slept in his arms.  I slept in his bed.  I don't like sleeping at peoples houses, it freaks me out.  I like my bed.  However, I went to his and slept in his bed and it didn't freak me out (for a few nights at least).  When I did start to freak, he allowed me, he held me and just reassured me that it was okay.  He has dealt with everything my mental health has thrown at him and just dealt with it.  I suspect that's because this is just 'friends with benefits' not a long term relationship so it doesn't matter what my mental health throws at him since he doesn't need to deal with it for any length of time.

I know that I like what we're doing.  I am confused about just how comfortable with him. It scares me, it terrifies me.   Never in my life has there been anyone I have let in or been as open as in such a short time.  I have A Person, the one person you tell everything, but before she became My Person it was two years before I trusted her enough even to start saying anything. Yet G walks in and within months I was telling him stuff. 

There are times I see us together, he's good for me.  He keeps me stable, he makes me want to be well and fight to be well.  So I don't know if I want to be with him because I genuinely like him and want to try and real relationship with him or it's just because he makes me want to stay well and do what ever I can to be well.

I'm so confused.

week 2

Is is not easy

but don't give up now

It is not easy

Happiness is an option

It is not easy

but don't give up now

It is not easy

Happiness is an option

This is neither old nor new

It's always, forever

Somewhere between sense and ambition

pleasure and decision

we have to make a choice

What do we want?

Happiness is an option by Pet Shop Boys

So it's been over a week since my date.  Things have moved on a bit.  

1. To be in someone's bedroom and to make out was an odd sensation.  I just wanted to be there in that moment and never let him go.  Even if I did freak myself out occasionally, he just let me rabbit on, whilst he just lay there looking at me with a smile on his face, which of cause made me want to kiss him and hit him at the same time.
2. Meeting friends.  This is quite scary.  If we didn't get on that would make life tricky but they were lovely people and made me feel very welcome and I didn't freak out once.
3. We have been texting and messaging as much as we can, between CDs work shift we don't get much time to be physically together, but we do what we can to be together.  He's the first person I talk to in the  morning and the last person in the evening to talk to.   
4. I have turned into the sort of person who just goes gaga over her fella.  I get a text I smile, I find myself saying sweet things like 'I want to see you' or 'my day is better now you've text'.  It's disgusting but I'm loving every second it.
5. Last Friday we went to our gaming group and he wasn't in the greatest of moods and it made me feel strange.  He wouldn't talk much or wanted to hold hands or anything and this confused me.  But the next day we managed to talk about it and clear the air.  It was really nice.  I did't run off or get overly upset.  
6. He makes me smile, he makes me laugh, even when he's not with me.  

Although this is all a new experience for me, and I don't like being this gaga woman but I am enjoying every second of it, even if I feel sick some of the time and I don't want to eat.  I think about him constantly, I just want to be with him.  It's so strange and so new and as much as I hate strange and new things, I really am enjoying all the sensations this experience is giving me.  I have to pinch myself often to believe that this is actually happening to me.  I mean me.  The single one.  The childless one.  The selfish one.  I am broke, and yet I will do what ever I can to put petrol in the car to see him, to be with him.  It's insane. I'm not this person, but I am.  I have told him this and he just has that grin on his face and kisses me.  I am working really hard on my own insecurities and issues to try and make this work.  I know it's only just over two weeks but it just feels amazing to be around him.  I'm not going to jump the gun.  I'm taking one meeting at a time and seeing where we go.  Even the whole issue of not having sex right now is not an issue.  He's just letting me take this as it comes.  

What an amazing experience I am having. 

SONGS!!!

Here is some new year fun.  As we come to the end of 2010 and begin 2011, have a go at working out what songs are in this passage of text, and if you can tell me who sang them!

A new billboard went up the other day, it was all about change, the tag line said 'Come with us, run with us, we're gonna change the world, you'll be amazed, so full of praise when we've re-arrange your world.  We're gonna change your world'.  I stood there so amazed at something incredible cos it's common place knowledge that everybody wants to change the world, everybody wants to change the world, but no one, no one wants to die. 

I turned my back and walked down the street.  Tonight, out on the street, out in the moonlight, and dammit this feels too right, it's just like deja vu as the world won't change.  The world doesn't want to change.  I know that I will never be anything today, I'm tried to give, I don't want to try, I'm afraid to live, I'm afraid to die.  I walk into a church, wanting to pray, wanting to pray because I just wanna feel real love, fill the home that I live in, I've got too much life running through these veins, going to waste, I don't wanna die but I'm not keen on living either.

As I sit there, silence is all around me, drowning me, taking over and I know that the game of life is hard to play, I'm gonna loose it anyway, the loosing card of some delay so this al all I have to say 'Open up the gaes of the church and let me out of here! Too many people have lied in the name of Christ for anyone to heed the call, so many people have died in the name of Christ that I can't believe it all.  I run to leave, then I heard it, the small calm voice whispering in my sould 'I love you to death, I love you to death, I love you to death, 'til there's nothing left, I'll love you to death, I love you.'

My soul jumps for joy, singing at the top of it's voice, 'this isn't me' I used to say 'all the love was so gone, it feels so good to be alive I've been dead for so long'.  Walking home I feel as though my whole body is alive sing it for the world, sing it from the heart, sing ti 'til you're nuts, sing it out for the ones that'll hate your guts.  The world is alive, the world is amazing, and I feel great. 

I stop as something in the tv shop catches my eye. I am drawn to the subtitles 'Johnny won't you come back home, cos every one knows that you don't want to give yourself up tell the truth and God will save you'.  There a a poor boy in trouble, needing our help.... you'll get a five second warning for divine intervention with the satellites falling, prepare for ascension, as the earth looks on. 

I get to my knees knowing that the whole world is in trouble.  If I had got this news only a few hours earlier I would not have cared.  As it stands I have found a new lease of life, cutting down my Christmas list this year, I'm gone, I'm out, I'm in a penthouse in the basement, trying to make my life better.  Wanting to make things better.  Instead the soft lips are open, them knuckles in pale, feels like you're dying, your dying... I head for the light.