Round like a circle in a spiral, like a wheel within a wheel
Never ending or beginning on an ever spinning reel
Like a snowball down a mountain, or a carnival balloon
Like a carousel that's turning running rings around the moon
Windmills of your mind: Johnny Mathis
I'm in this weird little bubble at the moment. Things are going well for me at the moment, and providing I don't well and truly fuck it up,
I think there is a possibility of a promotion in my career which would be amazing. Things are going well for me, but I am just waiting for the bubble to pop. Not because I want it too pop but because it always pops, that's the story of my life. I am trying to enjoy things whilst I can, but when that pop happens, I'm terrified.
I can admit here, because this is a safe space for me, that I honestly didn't think I would see out this year. I had been on Anti-depressants for so long, and as my long term readers know, I hate being on those things and the thought that I can only live my life by being on them was not something I could entertain. I hate being on Asthma medication which will be a life long thing, but the thought of being on Anti-depressants was killing me. Especially since I am the worst medication taker ever! The better I feel the less regularly I take the stuff, inhalers included. Which means I tend to mess up my system badly but improper taking of regular medication. However, at the moment I am completely off the meds, which is fantastic. If I had to be on meds for the rest of my life just to live it, and please keep in mind at this point that when I'm on meds, the reason they work is because I don't feel anything, they make me tired so I sleep at night, they allow me to relax to the point I just don't care about anything, nothing matters to me... well not that nothing matters to me, but nothing fazes me.... it's hard to explain. Sometimes I wish I my dyslexia allowed me a better handle of the English Language so that I can find the words I need to write things, like my blog. As I said in my previous post, I am fighting something, but I have no idea what though.... I honestly don't think it's depression... but there is something, bubbling underneath, waiting, waiting for something to allow it out and start to take over. The strange thing is that although I am fighting it, I'm not totally convinced I want to fight it.
Most of the time I don't know what I want, out of my career, out of my money, out of my life, out of my friends, out of my family. I despised being touched but at the same time, I want someone to hold me, to hug me and tell me that they love me, totally and utterly love me..... and yet I don't want to be in love. I want to have sex, know what it's like to have someone inside me so intimately and yet the thought of allowing someone that close to me physically, emotionally and mentally disgusts me.... I am a walking contradiction and I just wish I knew what to do about it. I've joined dating websites, but the thought of meeting those I talk to and enjoy spending time with online, scares me to death. I love my job, I love my students, I even love most of my co-workers but I the thought of getting out of bed and going to work for the rest of my life (however, long that may be).
I wish I could make a decision in my life and not feel like a hypocrite or that I'm doing it to make some sort of statement. I wish I could tell if the decisions I make in my life are my decisions or something imposed upon me by family or society.
The long and short of it is that whilst I'm in this bubble where I feel fairly content and happy, more so that most other times in my life, I'm going to be in the moment. When that bubble pops, I don't know what I'll do I honestly don't. I don't know.... I just don't know.....
