Bingo

Settle down for a moment cause your heart is beating hard

Baby you've been my lover, and I told you from the start

Better no promises, and I'll do you no harm

But you're keen on the question I tell you not to pop

But maybe it's been a hurting, it's been hurting from the start

Do you not coping then tear it apart

Never wanted it this way

Oh baby I'm dying I'm crying over it

Maybe you feel it to, oh baby I'm blue

Soulweaper pt 2: Volbeat

During August I spent very little time in my own house or my own bed.

It's been quite something.

I have never experienced anything like this, and I'm not just talking about the sex (and a lot of it).  We spend time together and it's so comfortable it's like we've always just been.  I struggle with change, always have done.  Even the littlest, like buying a new pair of Dr. Martins, or changing my washing powder.  It's really hard to do, then the big things happen.  Staying at people's houses is one of those things.  I have a friend whom I stay with at least once a year as my holiday. I have done this for nearly a decade and it's only in the past three years that I have finally got comfortable with this.

With my man, G, it's different.  I never went through that freak out at staying at his.  I've only had minor freak-outs when I over think everything.  If I can get my head to shut up I am totally comfortable with him and the whole idea of us.

From the start G said that this would not be a long term thing as he didn't want a long term relationship or a long distance relationship.  On our last night together, he admitted that he didn't want things to end and that, although he still wasn't hooked on the idea of a long distance relationship, he wanted to see where we might end up.

So this is what we're doing.  We are giving things ago.  We talk a lot when we can both get online together.  I drove up to him for a night just the other week because I missed him.  I have never missed anyone as I missed him.  And it really wasn't the sex.  I just missed talking to him, being in each other's arms as we watched a film, the teasing, playing board games together... just the little things.  I really missed them.

Throughout August we were basically living together.  Mostly we were at his cos he has a double bed, I still have my single.  For a week we were at mine.  But the only nights we spent apart were the nights I was away for work.  I think it totalled 9 nights in 5 weeks.  In the last week whilst at mine he was meant to be looking for a place to live, but never did.  He waited until we parted ways and he went to his parents, only then did he start looking for a place to live and started making plans for his move and new job.  T

That last week was amazing though.  I manged to have a week of no learners and providing it looked like I was working I got away with it.  So we had a few days out, played lots of new games that we bought, lots of sex and watching films... just normal every day stuff.

The first night without him was so much harder than I thought.  That's when I realised I was beginning have have real feelings.  I'm not sure this is a good idea because we both are not sure a long distance relationships is what we want.  Yet here we are, in a long distance relationship.  I'm going to get my heartbroken, I'm sure of it. Yet I don't want to walk away from this.

He didn't break my barriers, they are still there.  He just walked through them all as if they were not there.  This confuses the hell out me anyway, and yet I don't often freak out.  I get the feeling that this isn't a good idea, I have moments where I know I'm feeling stuff and I try and force these feelings away.  I don't want to ruin what we have, it's too much fun.

Neither of us are particularly goo, but our resent time together we have had some goo moments.  It's nice.

Oh god, don't let it destroy me when my heart breaks... please.

And the fight goes on!

So it's been a while and it's not been easy. In some ways I do feel better but I still get frustrated but how my moods change. I still get depressed and I still get manic. It's not as extreme as it was but the changes in mood are still there.

I have been volunteering at the local library to see if I am ready to get back to work. The idea being that working in a job that does not have any pressure is a good way of seeing if I can cope with being back at work. When I work at the library I have to put on that positive, life is amazing face. It exhausts me. So I am not socialising much. I have barely talked to anyone outside of work or my family. I have cut everybody off. I know that I am not ready to go back to work but financial I have to go back over the next month. Money is getting really tough. I have cut down on everything but I still don't make ends meet  completely. SSP sucks. My next job will have proper benefits and training. If I have an episode like this again I have to know that I won't have the stress of mony on top of everything else. I also know when I finally go back to work (if they don't dismiss me) I have to face all the rumors that have been floating around and all the lies my 'friend' has been telling people. I know what she has said because I have had people texting me to find out what is going on and if what she says is true. I have not replied since it's non of their buisness. However, apart from those texts only 1 person has text me and met up with me, and 1 other who has sent 1 text to say they missed me but didn't ask about the rumors being spread. This leads me to believe that this person does care but I am weary of everyone in that place baring the 1 person who has been meeting me.   Work is going to be awful. I am looking for other work but it's hard in education right now as it's mid scholastic year. June/July is when jobs appear.

I don't see things getting better anytime soon. I just want to pack a bag and just leave. Everything just sucks.

I did a rotton thing the other week. I was feeling really horny and I allowed someone, who I know has a thing for me, believe we were going to try out relationship again. We ended up sexting. I felt awful afterwoods because I know that I would never go for a relationship with him. I didn't first time round and certainly not now. I was veing unfair and did tell him that.

I know I can't help having bipolar, it's as part of me as my grey streak is. But I hate it. I hate how it rules my life. The time to have the medication, having to watch my moods, being cautious all the time about what I say and what I do and most of all the way I have been betrayed my supposed 'friends' over all this. It has cost me much and it doesn't give anything on return. There is no pay off. At least with my dyslexia I have to think outside the box and come up with creative solution to issues and have been told my lessons are imaginative and fun and the students learn a lot from them. But with bipolar there is nothing positive about it. It screws with every part of my life. I can only try and enjoy the 'calm' moments I my life, which are few and far between.  I wish I didn't have this awful disorder but I do.

Few weeks on

All of the perfection nothing will and can be made

The old skin has to shed before the new one sees the day

Opportunities to find the deeper powers in ourselves

Comes when life is breathing and seems more than what it is

Go blindly completely"

Volbeat: Cape of Our Hero

So it's been a while since I've written anything.

I'm not depressed, or what I recognise as depressed, but I'm not manic either. This is strange within itself as for years I've either been one or the other. I have no middle ground. The meds are doing funny things to me, that is what I do know and all I know.

I was with my niece and nephew today and I love being with them but this weekend I could quite have easily gone home and not been with them. I wasn't annoyed at them, I just didn't want to be with them. I do have a trapped nerve at the moment so I'm in a lot of pain, but I've been in serious pain before and yet still want to be with my niece and nephew and still enjoyed every second with them.

I'm now at home and just want to sit and forget about the world for a while by watching a film. I went through me extensive (1000+) move collection and I couldn't face watching any of them because they would trigger me in one way or another. So I have no idea what I want to do.

I an always on the verge of crying but I never actually cry, perhaps a tear every now and then but no real crying. 

I want to bake, like really bake a lot of things, but I have no inclination to eat any of it.

I am managing to go to my social groups and I can get over hyped when I'm there, then I just seem to hit a point where they all annoy me and just want to go home and get away from them all, or shout at them how much they are idiots.

There are some days where I feel everyone wants things from me and I hate them for expecting me to do stuff. I mean really hate them. On the other hand I hate people for not asking me to do stuff, including going out for an evening.

I am so confused, I don't feel like myself, I don't recognise anything I'm going through and it annoys me, and terrifies me.

There are things i want to do to myself and I know I shouldn't but I'm so sick to death of feeling like this. I want to feel like me again. I want to recognise me again.

I want to sleep but I either get no sleep or if I do sleep it is plagued with nightmares. I can't even tell you what they are about because I don't remember a single bit of it. I just wake up with my heart pounding in my chest trying to get out, I struggle to catch my breath, my adrenaline is pumping through my body at an amazing rate and my entire body is just dripping with sweat, my body is boiling hot and I need a shower just to cool down.

I know I need to eat, but I resent the fact I have to so I just eat cereal. My mother invites me to hers to eat and I go otherwise she'll over worry about me, and be on my case. So I go to hers and force myself to eat but then I hate myself for eating something.

I am trying to not drink cherry coke (or any fizzy drinks) because my teeth are paying the price. The enamel on my teeth is slowing being eroded away, but I find it near impossible to do although I've told people I've not had any fizzy drinks in the house for 2 weeks. It's a lie. I'm sitting here now with a bottle of cherry coke (with a straw to try and help with the teeth issue) wanting to enjoy it, and I am, but I also feel unbelievably guilty for drinking it.

I keep hearing my past catching up with me 'you're useless' 'you have no place with us' 'you will never know what it means to be happy, and I pity you for that' 'your aspirations are set too high' 'you don't deserve to be here' 'why can't you just be normal' 'you're not worth dating' 'you're sick' 'just die' 'you're not normal in the head' 'you can't be loved, you're just wrong' 'youre fat' 'your'e ugly' .... all this and more just keep going round and round my head and it just suck right now.

I don't get to see my CPN for three weeks as she is on holiday, the Pdoc never seems to listen to me or seems to even care. He's meant to be this bigwig in the bipolar medical scene. He gives me the impression that he has this 'box' idea of what/who I am and just deals with all that. He doesn't actually listen to what I'm saying or do anything about how I'm feeling and what I tell him. My CPN isn't much better. Too busy interrupting me to actually hear me.

I want to have sex, like really have sex but I don't want anyone to touch me, let alone have sex. So I don't have sex and never have. I want to have sex and yet at the same time I don't want it. To be that close to someone, for someone to see me and be with me is not something I ever want.

I am full of contradictions, always have been and I don't think it's ever going to change. I use to be content with my lot in life, with the highs and the lows. The self harming and suicide attempts, the mania and all that goes with it. Now I don't know. I don't know if I want this as my life. I don't know if it will ever get better.

STOP THE WORLD I WANT TO GET OFF. This is also the closest I will ever tell anyone everything that I feel or don't feel. I struggle to ask for help or open up to real people.

Didn't expect this.

Today has not been the greatest of days. 

I had 8 hours of sleep which was amazing, I've not slept like that in months.  It was peaceful, I did dream but for the life of me I couldn't not tell you what I have been dreaming about.  I think that 8 hours of sleep has been my only positive for me.

Today I started off being really dizzy and as the day went on I had dizzy spells, it was like I had no balance.  I would be walking and then veering off in one direction or another.  When I stood up, sat down or moved my head too quick the world would spin.  This subsided as time went on but my head would spin at random times through out the day, which has made me feel more than a little nauseous.   So I haven't eaten much today.  

I have also been crying on and off today.  Not so much full on sobbing, but I have had no controls of the tears that having been coming out of my eyes, so I am exhausted.  At the best of time I hate crying and avoid it as much as I can, but this has been uncontrollable and am thankful that nobody could see me or hear me.

I'm hoping that another good nights sleep will help me to get more in control of my feelings and my reactions.

But on the other hand I do feel calmer.  My body is more relaxed, I am thinking slower but it makes more sense, I feel like I can cope with anything and stay calm and relaxed.  I don't think I have ever felt this was before.  I think this is good but it's odd.  It's like I'm missing part of me.  I'm neither hyper nor am I depressed, I just am.  I'm sure I'll get use to this, but I do feel like I'm a different person.  Which one is me,  this one or the other one.  I have to learn to function as this person, to see the world as this person, interact with people.... in some ways I'm a toddler learning about the world again.

On top of all of that I think I have an ear infection in both ears.  

Week 1

For longer than I can put my finger on I have always had horrible mood swings.  Either I am hyper active or I am depressed.  When I am hyper active I would spend too much money and get into debt, I would go out and be overly social and meet lots of people, join lots of groups and volunteer for things.  I could do my household chores but not nescessarily in one go.  I would put a wash on then start on the washing up, get half way through that and decide that my bedroom would need cleaning, then part way through decide I needed to sort out my kitchen cupboards and so on and do forth.  It would take a long time for me to complete any job I completed, and I am talking a days not hours.  I wouldn't really sleep, may a few hours every few days.  People liked me when I was like this, I was happy and a joy to be around.  Although, as I got more hyper people would ask if I was on something, or if they could take what I was on because I just didn't stop, ever!  I would also get cranky and become very sarcastic and people would struggle with that, but I never saw an issues I would just carried on going.  When I was really hyper I would start cutting myself to bring me down a bit.

Then I would, what I termed, crash.  This is when I got into a depressed state.  I would not want to get out of bed, I would sleep all the time, I would eat very little and loose a lot of weight.  I would not socialise unless I absolutely had too, I wouldn't wash, I wouldn't do any house hold chores, I hated talking to people, I would just shut down.  I would also start cutting myself a lot to bring my mood up.  It would help me get up in the morning to go to work or do what ever job I needed to do.

I of course dealt with this in the only way I knew how, I would but myself when I could, sometimes take an overdose of painkillers and alcohol to get high, I would change jobs, I would move house, I would break of friendships and acquaintances.  I would do near enough anything other than deal with what ever was going on.

I was told I had depression, I would take antidepressants but was never convinced they would work.  I went through Cognitive Analytical Therapy (CAT) for 24 weeks and helped me a lot and for a while, although I still went up and down, I didn't hurt myself in ways.  But I still changed jobs and moved around then things got too much.

These mood swings got worse, then this year was a bad year.  I was hyper at the beginning of the year, got all my work done, was sociallising, was even a head of myself on the paper work.  Until in March/April I attempted suicide but failed.  I just ended up vomiting all night.  I was so angry and upset the next day that I was horrible to work with.  A friend cornered me and asked what was wrong, I said to them 'I shouldn't be here, I should have died' and walked off.  She watched as over the following months I withdrew from people and started to shut myself down.  She became worried, what she didn't know what that I was planning another attempt and that I was self harming.  All she knew what that I had attempted and failed a suicide attempt and that I was shutting myself down.

She got worried and told our management what she knew.  She was not wrong to do this, but I was not ready to acknowledge the place I was at.  So I was forced to.  I went through a suspension, I went to the doctor, who refereed me to the Community Mental Health Team (CMHT).  I was put on citalopram and went as high as a kite.  I was so hyper it was funny.  Then I crashed as didn't get out of bed.  So I was put on mirtazapine so that I could sleep, it has a sedative affect.  For three days I got 10 hours sleep a night.  More than I had in three months, and then I went hyper again and this was intense.  I couldn't sit still for more than 1 minute, I couldn't concentrate on any conversation more than a minute.  I would walk for three or four hours to try and burn off my energy.  Then I crashed and I wanted to die.  It was horrible.  So I was given an emergency appointment with the CMHT and was a psychiatrist and Community Psychiatric Nurse (CPN).

The initial report they sent me was full of inaccuracies of the conversation we were having that I didn't believe I had been there in the room.  I honest didn't think I had been there.  It was crazy so I started to doubt this team.  Still, because I knew I had to, I carried on going to see the CPN.  She talked me through things and gave me a mood questionnaire to fill in.  It was 15 pages long but I filled it in.

The psychiatrist looked over the questionnaire, the conversations we had had, the edits to the report I had made, and with the notes my CPN had made from our sessions.  It was decided that I have Bipolar Disorder.

This is a big diagnosis and life changing. I was put on quetiapine but I had a bad reaction to that.  Although it made me very tired to the point I could barely move I could not sleep.  Then I hallucinated all night that something was licking me. It was a horrible, horrible night.  So now I am on lamotrigine which has calmed me down.  I can now sit still, I can concentrate for longer periods of time and the need to talk has decreased.  I am defiantly calmer.  My sleep has doubled from 1.5 - 2 hours a night to 3-4 hours a night, but I am more tired.  I doze during the day because I can't keep my eyes open, but I don't sleep.  I usually doze after I take my medication.  I am on 25mgs at the moment but as of Christmas Day it gets doubled to 50mgs.  I see my psychiatrist in January for a more complete conversation about what it means to Bipolar and how best to manage it. 

I don't know how soon I will return to work, if I go back full time or if I go part time or just find a new job.  I just don't know.  Right now I need to think about what I need to control my Bipolar and how to mange this condition.  It is something that will never go away, I have to learn to live with it and it scares me stupid.

It will be interesting to see what the new year brings.  

This is end of week 1 since my diagnosis and being on medication.

How?

Whenever I lay me down to sleep

I pray the Lord your soul to keep

And bring you home safe to me, for ever darling

Do I love you?

Do I love you?

Do I love you?

Do I love you (Indeed I do) - Frank Wilson

Anyone who has known me for any length of time know that I truly believed I was made to be single.  It's part of my make up and I made peace with that a long time ago and made a life accordingly, never having to think about another person etc.

However, with CD, entering my life things have changed.  I have turned into one of those ridiculous people who just go gaga thinking about him, who smiles when their phone goes and just can't wait until I see him.  I can't get over how different I am and how I see things differently.

I have been to the doctor to talk about contraception, not that I've acted on it but I have actually started talking and seriously thinking about sleeping with this guy.  It's been a long time since I have felt sexually attracted to someone.  It scares me how real this could be, I am desperately trying to not freak myself out, to take my time but not drag my heals.  I am taking stock of my feelings and moving accordingly.  I am hoping that I can take the next step without completely freaking myself or him out.

How quickly can you fall in love? I have real feelings for him and they are intense.  So much so I do keep freaking myself out with all of it, and thinking about it all.  I am trying not to rush into anything too quickly after all we've only known each other 5 weeks, dated for 3 of those.  We talk every single day, and try and see each other as often as we can which is hard.  We're quite a distance from each other, he works shifts, only gets one weekend off in three and he has a daughter to see.  It makes it hard but it's so worth the effort.

There are times I feel I am being over cautious, there are times I feel overwhelmed and things are going to fast.  However, CD knows when I'm freaking out and allows me to just do what I need to do.  He looks at me and tells me how cute I am when I freak out.  Then he kisses me and everything just fades away, the important thing is he's allowing me time and space to work stuff out.

I told him I had never slept with anyone and he's never pushed me or brought the subject up.  He said he wouldn't push me, but when I'm ready there is a bed waiting.  He is happy though to just spend time with me and allow me to work through what it is I need to do.   He is not pressuring me into anything.  He just goes with the flow and I push myself to make things work, but not push myself to the point where I feel bad.  I'm enjoying the journey out of my comfort zone.  I sat in his house the other day, on his bed where we lay in each others arms whilst kissing.  That was it.   no pushing, no touching, just chatting and kissing.  It was so overwhelming but I loved it.

So I ask.... how the hell did this happen to me?!

week 2

Is is not easy

but don't give up now

It is not easy

Happiness is an option

It is not easy

but don't give up now

It is not easy

Happiness is an option

This is neither old nor new

It's always, forever

Somewhere between sense and ambition

pleasure and decision

we have to make a choice

What do we want?

Happiness is an option by Pet Shop Boys

So it's been over a week since my date.  Things have moved on a bit.  

1. To be in someone's bedroom and to make out was an odd sensation.  I just wanted to be there in that moment and never let him go.  Even if I did freak myself out occasionally, he just let me rabbit on, whilst he just lay there looking at me with a smile on his face, which of cause made me want to kiss him and hit him at the same time.
2. Meeting friends.  This is quite scary.  If we didn't get on that would make life tricky but they were lovely people and made me feel very welcome and I didn't freak out once.
3. We have been texting and messaging as much as we can, between CDs work shift we don't get much time to be physically together, but we do what we can to be together.  He's the first person I talk to in the  morning and the last person in the evening to talk to.   
4. I have turned into the sort of person who just goes gaga over her fella.  I get a text I smile, I find myself saying sweet things like 'I want to see you' or 'my day is better now you've text'.  It's disgusting but I'm loving every second it.
5. Last Friday we went to our gaming group and he wasn't in the greatest of moods and it made me feel strange.  He wouldn't talk much or wanted to hold hands or anything and this confused me.  But the next day we managed to talk about it and clear the air.  It was really nice.  I did't run off or get overly upset.  
6. He makes me smile, he makes me laugh, even when he's not with me.  

Although this is all a new experience for me, and I don't like being this gaga woman but I am enjoying every second of it, even if I feel sick some of the time and I don't want to eat.  I think about him constantly, I just want to be with him.  It's so strange and so new and as much as I hate strange and new things, I really am enjoying all the sensations this experience is giving me.  I have to pinch myself often to believe that this is actually happening to me.  I mean me.  The single one.  The childless one.  The selfish one.  I am broke, and yet I will do what ever I can to put petrol in the car to see him, to be with him.  It's insane. I'm not this person, but I am.  I have told him this and he just has that grin on his face and kisses me.  I am working really hard on my own insecurities and issues to try and make this work.  I know it's only just over two weeks but it just feels amazing to be around him.  I'm not going to jump the gun.  I'm taking one meeting at a time and seeing where we go.  Even the whole issue of not having sex right now is not an issue.  He's just letting me take this as it comes.  

What an amazing experience I am having. 

Some good news

You can't give up!

Lookin' for that diamond in the rough

You never know but when it shows up

Make sure you´re holdin' on

'Cause it could be the one, the one you're waiting on

'Cause nobody wants to be the last one there.

And everyone wants to feel like someone cares.

Someone to love with my life in their hands.

There has gotta be somebody for me

Ohhhhhh.

For once, I have something positive to write about.

First, I would like to recap on what has been happening.

I had not realised just how far I had fallen until I started cutting myself, and saw how deep I was cutting and how regularly I was cutting.  I haven't cut this deeply in a really, really long time. Although it has been seven days since I last cut, I wouldn't say I have stopped thinking about it or stopped wanting to do it.  I'm not even all that fussed that I have cuts on my arm, I think they are beautiful and I hate the fact I hide them, I really just want to show them all off to everyone, but I know the repercussions of doing that would be awful for me and that's not what I want.

I also considered weather or not I wanted to take my own life.  I sent cryptic messages to a friend of mine when I was bad, and although I wouldn't go into details he did sent messages back and as a result of this I am still breathing.  A lot of that is down to him.  

Work has been beyond ridiculous and I've only been back 10 days and I already feel like I'm on burn out.  

However, the most important thing I am going to write about today is what happened to me yesterday.  There was going to be a group of five of us going to a Burlesque fair, when I awoke in the morning I discovered that a number of people had rained off due to illness.  The reason I was going to the fair, apart from the fact I love Burlesque, is that one of the group going was a friend who I have not seen in a very long time and I adore spending time with her.  Alas this was not meant to be.   So who was left was me and this Guy, CD, and that made me question weather or not I wanted to go to the fair.

The history between CD and I is as follows:  We met three Fridays ago (28.09.15) and we immediately hit it off.  He is so funny and just made me laugh and smile, which considering I was cutting myself and trying to get high was brilliant.  The next week we were defiantly flirting a bit more, being touchy feeling etc.  All the things I am not, but was that day.  It was crazy.  He asked for my phone number, which I never, ever give to anyone I have known only two weeks (work is different, sometimes numbers need to be given to staff members).  We started chatting straight away and spent a whole week chatting.  Then I told him about this Burlesque fair I was going to and he invited himself, which I was fine with has there was a number of us going the pressure was off.  However, now it's Saturday morning and all that's left is him and me.  I am freaking out to whether I should meet up with him and go to a Burlesque fair! 

It took a while but I decided that I should just over come my anxieties and just go for it.  So I did.  We had a whale of a time.  The fair was amazing and then we walked around Birmingham looking at the architecture of the buildings.  We spent the whole day together and quite late into the evening.  We laughed, we talked (I even talked a little about my depression and I never talk face to face about it unless I'm well!), we teased each other, we held hands and at the end of the day before I got on the train we kissed.  As nervous as I was I loved it, I didn't want him to go.  I wanted to carry on kissing him.  I have never felt that way about anyone.  Usually when I kiss someone I can't wait for it to be over.  But this time it was different.  I wanted him to stay.  I did not want him to go.

So we got on our respective trains.  And the whole way home I could not stop smiling.  Not for a single second.  It didn't even faze me that I had not idea how many stations I needed to be on the train for, it didn't faze me there were not announcements on the train for approaching stations, it didn't even faze me that I had to walk home in the dark.  I was just happy.  At one point I thought I was actually going to cry.  I had to send him a text to say I got home safely which normally would annoy me but didn't this time.  I thought it quite sweet.  Into the evening he sent me a text asking if we could count this as our first date!!!! I said yes.

I had truly convinced myself that the good Lord made me to be single.  I would never know a mans touch, I would never know what it was to be in a relationship.  I know that it's still early days but this man makes me want to smile.  The next little while is going to be a lot of fun trying to work things out and not let my depression get the better of me.  

He lives quite a way from me and he doesn't drive and he works shifts so it's going to be interesting trying to find the time to see each other.  I know we chat a lot, but I am determined to try and see him when I can.  I just hope that my depression isn't screwing with me that these feelings are not real, but the do and I'm enjoying it and trying not to freak my self out too much.

Well that esculated quickly.

I know I was struggling to keep the depression under control but I was doing it. I felt like crap but I went out, I was social, I was nice to people.

I had two weeks holiday from work and I was broke ao I couldn't go anywhere or do anything. All my normal groups got cancelles due to school holidays or illness. This meant I was sitting home alone all day every day. The guy from christmas was also having a hard time and was trying to talk to me about it. I couldn't cope. I took a painkiller/alcohol concotion (once) and I started cutting myself (almoat daily for one week, but kept on going for a few more weeks). It felt fantastic and I still don't regret a thing. It made me feel better.

At my Friday gaming group there is a new guy who has started and he makes me laugh. He makes me feel good about myself. He flirts with me and I like it. It doesn't scare me.... except I don't know if he's flirting because he's that sort of guy or because he likes me. He asked for my number having only known me for two weeks and, shocked myself I gave it to him! We are now facebook fruends and have spent the weekend chatting.  I'm trying to rearrange things so i have the petrol to see him on Friday.... and every friday. I don't want ti be that sort of person and I don't know if my feeling are real or a biproduct of the depressive state I am experiencing. After three weeks (two of them knowing this guy) I have stopped cutting. After our first meeting I reduced the cutting, even the number of cuts when i did.

I wish I wasn't so screwed up so I could enjoy this more. I should stop worring and enjoy what I can for as long as I can.

I don't wanna.....

Going through the motions

Faking it somehow

I can't even see

If this is really me

I just to be alive

Going through the motions - Buffy: Once more with feeling

I don't wanna die
I don't wanna live
I don't wanna cut
I don't wanna not cut
I don't wanna sleep
I don't wanna wake up
I don't wanna smile
I don't wanna cry
I don't wanna feel
I don't wanna not feel
I don't wanna do anything
I don't wanna do nothing

In short I don't know what I want, I don't know how I feel, I don't know what I feel.  I get up, I am Going through the motions, I go to sleep.  I don't dream any more.  I sleep for a good 10 hours, more if I can manage it.  I do my chores, I do what I need to but that's it.  If I'm honest I don't even mind.  I do my voluntary work, I do my gaming groups, I go to church.  I help people if they ask for help.  It doesn't make me feel better, it doesn't fulfil me, it doesn't do anything.  I fake my smiles, I fake my laugh.  I don't cry, I don't get mad, I don't get annoyed.

The worse part is that I still can't seem to write, I can't cut, I can't get high.... Baking is the only thing that gets me feeling anything but I don't want to eat.  I've lost a stone, no ones notice.  I try hard not to eat much.  At the moment I have to eat four times a day as I've had tonsillitis for about three weeks, my antibiotics dictate I eat.  However, before that I had some weetabix for lunch and then a sausage sandwich or some soap for dinner.  I drink coke to keep my calories  up, I have vitamin supplements so I don't get too ill.  

I have projects to do around the flat.... not getting done.  I have a qualification I'm studying for.... very slowly doing it.  I resent having a pet to take care of but I do it.  I resent having to shower, I resent cooking and eating.   I have books to read.... all they do is make me sleep, I have games to complete but can't focus on them.

My prayer every night is just not to wake up in the morning.  I resent waking up.  What's the point?!

take a step back.

There are time in ones life when you should stop.  Look at your life, and work out if you like who you are, do you know who you are?  Do you like what you've become.

I've been doing that a lot lately, I'm not really sure why.

I have spent a number of year, since I finished therapy, trying to find my way in the world.  I change jobs so many times, trying to work out what I wanted, what I needed.  I moved to different areas, met new people, tried different things.  Pushing my comfort zone, looking for something, some meaning to help me to keep going.  I know that I am made for the single life, I don't do well around people for a long period of time.  I never have been.  People annoy me.  I can't think of anything worse than sharing my life with someone.  That I come home to an empty house, to do what I want to do, in the time I want is my saving grace.  I love it and it's what I need.

I have all that I have ever wanted, I live on my own, I can support myself. I have a social life.  I do voluntary work.  I am part of a wonderful parish.  I have a worth while job and am  making a difference in lives.

I should be content, I should be fine to glide through life until death.  Yet I never want to wake up, I hate waking up.  I want to stay asleep forever.  I am always tired.  I feel nothing. When a laugh it's not real, there are times I feel I should show some sort of emotion but I have no idea what.  

I just don't understand it.  I have everything I have been working towards for year.  Surely it should feel better than this.  Is this all there is to life, is this what the next 40 years is going to feel like.  If so, God please listen to me and let me die.  I can't do this.

I have spent so long creating this life of mine, I have no idea how to change it at this point.  I am too tired to even attempt to change it.... and I can't tell anyone, because this is my fault.  I thought this was what I wanted. I got what I wanted.  So why am I not content.  Why does it just.... I have no words to explain how I feel.  What it's like to wake up and know I have x amount of hours before I can sleep again and enter the oblivion.  Why can't I stay there!

My prayer tonight is for the strength to do what I need to do.

Ruby

"No antibiotic can save us now

We are the virus that we talk about

It's like a bullet in the head

It's an S.O.S"

S.O.S - Take That

So it's been a while and I have to say that the place I am now is now where I had hoped I would be.  A few months back I moved into a small flat on my own. I love being on my own more than anything else in the world I love it.  I love the freedom, I love the isolation of it.  However, the problem I am coming across is that my health is not good at the moment.

Apart from the joys of depression which I must battle with each and every day of my life I am now suffering from something that is causing Chronic Fatigue.  It started before I moved into my own place, must be about two years ago.  I started to need more than my four hours sleep.  It crept up on me slowly but surely until about I year ago I noticed that unless I have eight hours sleep a night I was really tired.  I remember commenting on it at work and how I couldn't understand how people functioned on having to loose so much time to sleep. How did anyone get anything done? This made my colleagues laugh and that was that.  However, that eight hours turned into ten, into twelve, into fourteen until its now at a point where I set an alarm so I don't sleep more than ten hours.  As tired as I am all the time I still have things to do and spending over half the day asleep does not help matters.  I went to the doctor about this and he was baffled so has sent me to many specialist, and now waiting to see a Chronic Fatigue specialist.  The words ME/CFS are being banded about. I have researched what these are and I'm not really excited about this diagnosis but if it's what I've got, I will have to deal with it.... I suppose.

Work is driving me crazy nuts.  As a teacher, I want the best for my students and want them to flourish, but regardless what I do, what I put into place, the powers that be just destroy everything. It makes me wonder what the point is to plan and prepare anything if they are going to screw everything up anyway.  I am currently looking for new work, especially if I have ME/CFS as there is no flexability in my work hours and we don't get normal school holidays.  It means that I have LONG stresful terams and it's not doing me any favours.  I have learnt that it doesn't matter what it right for my students as long as the director gets her own way regardless how right or wrong that is.  I can't leave as they have me over a barrel, I have no teaching quals, they can't afford to send me on my teaching quals so as a result I can't get another teaching job. I can't even get a job on the same salary I am now, and I need this salary so I can continue to live on my own.  So I'm screwed, so now I refuse to get upset at work, refuse to fight any more. I will just bow down to the powers and let them destroy my class and blame me for doing it.  After all what's the point in caring.

I am also cutting again, and it feels great.  This time this blog is the only place I will admit this is what I am doing.  I have realised that there is no one in my life I can trust this too. They want me to stop or they freak out and start smothering me or trying to force me to stop or want to check on me every single day and I don't want that.  I just want to cut and enjoy it and all that it brings.  I honestly don't care where it ends up.  I have missed my friend and embarrass his return with joy.  I savour each moment and each feeling it offers me. 

I'm back!

Sometimes
I feel like going down and so disconnected
Somehow
I know that I am haunted to be wanted
I've been watching
I've been waiting
In the shadows for my time
I've been searching
I've been living
For tomorrows all my life

In the Shadows by The Rasmus 

I am not in a good place right now.  I don't know what's going on in my head, I wish I could just scratch the surface because I swear if I could do that then I'd be able to sort myself out... although I wonder if I would.  I talk about the fact I'm on the edge, I know the crash is coming, I can feel it within me trying to push its way out.  I try and tell myself that it won't come and that it will only come if I talk about it or admit to it.

It's coming. Although I'm not crying right now I have had tears falling most of the night.  I can't imagine how I'm going to be at work tomorrow.  Part of me tells me I'm tired and that's all it is, the logical part of me says it's not because I've been sleeping well this week and there is no way I can be tired.

I want my razor.  I want to feel it slice through my skin.  I want that comfort.  I want to know that somehow I can find comfort.  Comfort from what I don't know.  I know that this has been coming for a while.  I know I should have planned for it.  But I haven't and now I'm alone apart from my blog.   I wish I wasn't living with Mam, then I could cry, I could get high, I could cut, I could go for my midnight walks.  I just don't want to be here where Mam could find me, could see the tears.  She would ask what's wrong.  I have absolutely no idea what is wrong.

That's bollocks I know what's wrong.  I have a chemical imbalance in my brain.  Just as I have to take medication to keep my asthma under control, I have to do the same with the depression.  I spent a session with a client talking about depression and the fact in many ways its no different that asthma or diabetes.  I know this, but the thought of going back to the doctors and asking for pills is just too much.  I know that this is the time I need to fight it, I know this, I honestly do.  I just can't. I really just can't.  I have a job I love, that I never want to loose, I have a new niece or nephew on the way, I have an amazing family who love me... I have things to fight for.

I just can't.  How do I find the energy for something that almost killed me last time (and still surprised it didn't).

Update with new toy

I know I have been quiet for a while butI am hoping to start blogging more regukarly as I have to say I have missed blogging and the community like BlackPhil and The Capt. I know that there are some whom have disappeared from the communuty but as I community moves on another one appears. So I will start exlporing and start interacting again and no longer will I be silent or invisable. I have done both and I am not sure I like it.

My job is going really well. I still have not got full time hours but the money I am getting is enough to keep me going and pay off my debts. The job entaiks working with young adults with sever learning difficulties (SLD). They are lovely young peole who are a joy to work with and it helps you to see the world through a whole new light. I am learning so many new skills and attibutes. I appreciate fully the staff I work with, they are an amazing group of peole with a wide range of skills who bring to the job an amazing number of skills, tools and attributs that I love gleaming from them. I enjoy the debates we have, and that we don't need to see eye to eye to do a good job, we can discuss ideas and together come up with an action plan that is followed. As with anywhere there are people who annoy me because there practice is very different to mine, however they are lovely people and I have to say there is no one at work I really dislike, or frustrate me to the point that I feel as though I want to scream at them. What is totally amazing though, as I had given up on finding this, there are people at work that I can talk to about how I am feeling and my depression and negative views of myself. One of them is actually my boss, the head teacher. It's so nice to be able to be able to be open with people with out the fear of being pursecuted or ridiculed or make to feel like a freak. My boss said the other day that I was a freak but she loves the fact I own it and do it all my own way and too hell what others think. There should be more people like me in the world. Willing to be themselves and not a facarde or what people try and force you into being. To which I replied that there should be more people like her in the world beczuse it would make it more comfortable and safer plave for me and those like me. It was an amazing conversatiion and I would like mor of thise thank you very much. There has been one rdundance and one person whose contract has not
Been renewed due to funding problems but I am hoping that this is notna sign of what is too come!

I have been setting up a therapy business. At the moment I offer hypnotherapy but as my qualifications grow there more I can offer. Psychotheraputic counselling and psychotherapy. It's a scary idea, the thought of having my own business. Not that it will ever be my primary job, I enjoy my other job too much. As part of my business I now have a tablet, samsung galaxy 10.1 and I have to say that it's really good, and perfect for putting mynscreeds in it and reading them off. Amazing. The graphic are rally good. Its al,ost like having a mini laptop, but without the bulkiness. I have also been doing a kot with the amatre dramatics. I have really learnt a lot about the sound side of things, how to use a mixing desk and how to deal with problems when they arise. I have even directed my first ever show. Although only thirty minutes long, it was a raging sucess and I hope to do a full length play next season. Next season I will only do a couple of shows as I have to concentrate on my course and the drama taje up an awful lot of my time.

Update

Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel

Like you're less than, less than perfect.

Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel

Like you're nothing you're fucking perfect to me.

Fucking Perfect: Pink

So it's been a while since I've last posted and my God a lot's changed.  Shortly after losing my job and my home, I moved back in with Mam.  It was tough to begin with but we've made it work, and got really use to each other and our peculiar little ways again.  Shortly after I moved in with Mam, I went to the doctors and asked if I could be put on Anti-depressents, and they did, with out any hesitation.  So I've been on them since mid April, and I have to say I'm doing really well on them.  The only side effect I really have with them is my neverending appitate, so I'm going to ask the doctors to help me out and give me something to stop it.

One of the major advatages of moving in with Mam, is that I'm closer to my niece and get to see a lot more of her.  She is now 19 months old and is a little wizard on her feet and often gets herself into pickles because she likes to climb up but can never climb down and get's stuck.  She keeps us on our toes.

In August I got a job after six months unemployment.  Now it's only 22.5 hours a week but still it's better than not working.  I am a Learning Support Assistant (LSA) for a college for Adults with Server Learning Difficulties.  I'm loving it.  Totally and completely.

I also past my Hypnotherapy course and in the new year I will be getting my insurance so I can finally make my business a reality.  At the moment everything is just thearetical and I'm just waiting to get things finialised.  I'm hoping that with this business that I can earn enough to either move out of Mams or safe up a deposit so I can buy a place of my own.

Toska (my tortoise) is forever growing and is even bonding with my niece, and she with him.  It's brilliant.  When I finally die in many decades, I can will him to her and she should take him on.  It'll be awesome.

I have joined a local am-dram group and have done three plays so far and am working for the third one and am also trying to sort out dirrecting for another one later on in the season.  I've been doing sound for all the other shows, so it'll be interesting taking that leap and going for directorship.

So life is looking up.  I'm stable.  I may not be happy (not that I know what that looks like), but I'm doing okay.

To cry in front of you, is the worst thing I can do

 "I could hurt someone like me,
Out of spite or jealousy.
I don't steal and I don't lie,
But I can feel and I can cry.
A fact I'll bet you never knew.
But to cry in front of you,
That's the worse thing I could do."

There Are Worse Things I Can Do: Grease

Prayer in community has be really hard for me for quite a while.  However, after months of discussion and a doctors visit (!), things are beginning to settle.  I've managed to have some nice prayer times, that have been suitable for me.   Today, during prayer, we were asked to write a letter to ourselves.  Quite a hard thing today, but I set my music up, put my headphones in and started to write.  When I write like this, I don't often know what it is I'm writing.  I stop thinking about it and allow the words just flow. 

Reading back over what I wrote was really interesting.  It's really made me thing.  I talked about the fact that right now I am at a crossroads, a terrifying crossroads.  At this junction in my life I can either choose life or go back to the hermit I was.  I either have to take life by it's hands and celebrate and enjoy it as much as I can, allow my healing journey to continue.  Or I can stop, I can go back to what I was.  The hermit, the cutter, the depressive. The problem with going back to being the depressive, is that I know what enjoying life means.  I understand what it means to have friends, a social life.  I'm not sure I could go back, and be content.  The problem is with moving forward on the healing journey is I have to face my demons.  I have to trust someone enough to allow myself to cry in front of them.

I have to take and own my emotions.  I need to be in control, rather than them controlling me all the time.  Someone once said to me that you need to be scared to be brave.  However I'm terrified, and I'm not sure I have the strength or the friends to get me through the healing journey.  The more I think about it, the more I dwell on it, the more terrified I become, paralysing terror.

I don't know what I'm going do or what way on the crossroads I'm going to go.  I'm just not sure I'm strong enough for it.  I don't know what to do, no one can tell me what to do.  I'm stuck at the crossroads and can't move. 

I'm paralysed.