I'm back!

Sometimes
I feel like going down and so disconnected
Somehow
I know that I am haunted to be wanted
I've been watching
I've been waiting
In the shadows for my time
I've been searching
I've been living
For tomorrows all my life

In the Shadows by The Rasmus 

I am not in a good place right now.  I don't know what's going on in my head, I wish I could just scratch the surface because I swear if I could do that then I'd be able to sort myself out... although I wonder if I would.  I talk about the fact I'm on the edge, I know the crash is coming, I can feel it within me trying to push its way out.  I try and tell myself that it won't come and that it will only come if I talk about it or admit to it.

It's coming. Although I'm not crying right now I have had tears falling most of the night.  I can't imagine how I'm going to be at work tomorrow.  Part of me tells me I'm tired and that's all it is, the logical part of me says it's not because I've been sleeping well this week and there is no way I can be tired.

I want my razor.  I want to feel it slice through my skin.  I want that comfort.  I want to know that somehow I can find comfort.  Comfort from what I don't know.  I know that this has been coming for a while.  I know I should have planned for it.  But I haven't and now I'm alone apart from my blog.   I wish I wasn't living with Mam, then I could cry, I could get high, I could cut, I could go for my midnight walks.  I just don't want to be here where Mam could find me, could see the tears.  She would ask what's wrong.  I have absolutely no idea what is wrong.

That's bollocks I know what's wrong.  I have a chemical imbalance in my brain.  Just as I have to take medication to keep my asthma under control, I have to do the same with the depression.  I spent a session with a client talking about depression and the fact in many ways its no different that asthma or diabetes.  I know this, but the thought of going back to the doctors and asking for pills is just too much.  I know that this is the time I need to fight it, I know this, I honestly do.  I just can't. I really just can't.  I have a job I love, that I never want to loose, I have a new niece or nephew on the way, I have an amazing family who love me... I have things to fight for.

I just can't.  How do I find the energy for something that almost killed me last time (and still surprised it didn't).

Help me find the Vulcan me.

"I'll keep you my dirty little secret

Dirty Little Secret

Don't tell anyone or 

you'll be just another regret

Just another regret

Hope that you can keep it

My dirty little secret

Who has to know?"

Dirty Little Secret: The All American Rejects

Long term readers of my blog (either this one or blog-city) will know that emotions are a complete mystery to me and it's only in the past few years that I have taken that step to discover what they are and how they inpact my life.

I thought I was beginning to make sense of them and then G came into my life.  He's a new member of staff and I must admit, here in the safety of the anonymous blog, that he is cute and if I could I'd go for him.  However he is married with two children so he is off limits.  I'm fine with this. I really am.  Until he starts flirting with me.  Touching me in little ways, teasing me, staring at me.

The other day we were playing in the snow with our students and he rugby tackled me into the snow and sat on me stopping me from moving, he then covered me in snow.  We stared at each other and I sware to God if it wasn't for the fact we were at work, for the fact he's married we would have kissed.

I have to be careful.  Emotions are a mystery and something I'm not so great at controlling any more.  I have lost my vulcan-ness.  Something I miss grately.  I'm not sure life with emotions is all that it's cracked up to me.  I really want to go back to vulcan-ness then G would not be an issue.

It's all made worse by the fact I'm sorta seeing someone at the moment J.  I don't have the feelings for him that I have for G. It's driving me crazy.  J is everything I thought I wanted in a partner.  We are so alike it's lovely, I can completely geek out with him, it's awesome.  But I feel no romantic attachment to him.  G on the other hand he makes me laugh, when he touches me my skin feels as though it's on fire. Just thinking about him now just makes me shiver.

I want to be a vulcan where things like this don't matter.  I won't act upon my emotions, I won't brake up a family that's not me.  I don't ever want that to be me.  I want to be vulcan. I don't want to feel like this.  I had my issues when I was a vulcan but at least emotions were not too big an issue.  If I could be stable as I am not but with the emotional cut off that I had, I'd be content.

I'm beginning to crack.  Something I hate doing in front of people more than anything else in the world, is to cry.  To cry in front of someone is showing weakness, vulnerability and it's just plain wrong.  The other day at work I don't know what happened but I was sitting in a meeting and this wave of darkness hit me and permeated within every cell of my being, digging and sinking toward my soul.   After the meeting I went to my classroom it was empty.  I focused on packing up for the night.  My boss came in and asked if I was all right.  It started before I could stop it I started crying.  She hugged me and it just got harder.  So I pushed her away and told her not too.  I told her some bullshit about how I felt I was failing in my job, I was overwhelmed with the paper work and she fell for it hook line and sinker.  How can I tell someone who just weeks earlier I was telling that I am more stable now than I have ever been that I'm cracking.

To be fair I have told her but I'm not sure she believes me.  I wrote her a letter.  I couldn't tell her in words how I was feeling but I could write it.  When I handed her the letter there were rules.  No talking about it.  No acknowledgement of the letter.  No feedback.  Nothing.  She went and sent me a video in response.  But she read the letter so she should have some idea of how I am feeling and yet I stood in my classroom and she believed what I was telling her.

The whole time I was talking I had the song "I'm not okay, I'm not O-fucking-kay"  I just wish someone could see the cracks that are appearing.  The high I've been on, which I always suspected, was temporary and fake.  I was in hiding.  This time though I haven't got support.  I don't have the Vulcan-ness to protect me and I can't cut as my mother would notice.  I can't get high.  My mother would notice.  So what the hell do I do.

Oh sweet Vulcan. Come back. I'm so sorry I got rid of you. Please come back. Be part of me again. Save me. Keep me safe. Let me not listen to others. I want to back so much. Protect me again.

How I have missed this feeling!

"Yeah, You could be the greatest
You can be the best
You can be the king kong banging on your chest
You could beat the world
You could beat the war
You could talk to God, go banging on his door"

Wall of Fame: The Script

A few months ago I hurt my arm/shoulder. It's very painful and it's only recently I have managed any sort of real movement, but it will hurt me terribly if I move in the wrong way or suddenly.  It has been very painful for so long.  I went to the doctors a few weeks back who refereed me to the physio.  The physio has a look at it and wasn't too sure what was wrong but suspected it was a rotate (?) cuff problem. Gave me some exercises to help. Well the pain got worse! Couldn't believe it could but it has. So talking with a physio who visits work he said that if the pain was bad I need to go back to the doctors. So I am trying to get an appointment.  However talking to the physio, I mentioned I had some tramadol which I took for my back pain.  He said if I needed to I should take it.  So I am.  I'd forgotten just how amazing I feel on this stuff.

Hopefully I can become the productive person I used to be.

Music and it's healing quantity.

"Never made it as a wise man
I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealing
Tired of living like a blind man
I'm sick of sight without a sense of feeling

And this is how you remind me
This is how you remind me
Of what I really am
This is how you remind me
Of what I really am"

 How You Remind Me: Nickleback

I was reminded this week how healing music can be.  I've been a bit down this week, more than anything because of being off work for so long and with nothing to do. One day I felt so bad I got in the car and started driving.  I had my own mix CD in the car, I put the music on loud and drove for about three hours. I felt so much better after that.  What it did remind me though is that I need music to help me with my mood.  Music also can help me to put into words how I feel, sometimes it might be the lyrics other times it might be the feel of the music, sometimes it's a mix of the two.

I really do enjoy putting on my headphones (SkullCandy thank you so much for having amazing headphones!) and put the music on, probably  louder than I should do, but I lay in bed and just allow the music to just completely consume me.  Sometimes I sing along, sometimes I just mouth along and sometimes I just let the music take over and I get lost in it.

It made me go through my music and just see what they would stir within me.  To begin with it was amazing and I remembered things I thought I had forgotten, but then there was the music that brought back feelings that I didn't want to remember and thoughts I didn't want in my head.  So I went back to music I know that help me through. 

The funny part is that two of the songs that really do help me and mean the world to me actually trigger memories of a time in my life that wasn't good, and yet they make me feel better and I'm sure it's because I beat things that time.  Slowly but surely I beat things, and perhaps that's why they help me and make me feel amazing, 'cos I know I can fight some fights.

Not sure it's going to help with the big one that I'm due.

However, the lesson I have learnt (or should I say re-learnt) is that the right music really can make a HUGE difference in ones life.  I really need to find the soundtrack that allows me to fight, the big one as well as the small one.  Music might just be my way out of the mess that is coming my way.