So my new job is going very well.  The assessing itself is not easy but it's not hard either.  I have to concentrate and sometimes look things up because I can't quite remember bits and pieces.  I assess all sorts of courses from L2 through to L5, such as Learning and Development, Management, ICT, Customer Service, Finance and others' which I can't think of right now.  The software we use to track everything is the most confusing software I have ever used.  It never does what you think it should do, and there are lots of glitches and annoyances but it's what we've got.  I travel a lot for this job up to about 2 hours from where I live.  Luckily I love to drive so this is not an issues and we get a fuel card, paying back the petrol we use at 8p a mile so it really does work in our favour.

The only problem I have at the moment is that I am going through a mania period.  This means I am struggling with sleeping, concentration and I'm spending money as if it is going out of fashion, money I really don't have.  I was given some valium to help me calm down a bit so I could at least concentrate on the job at hand and not freak my learners about before they even got to know me.

I'm also going through the most intense period of hyposexuality I have ever known.  Every man I come across is so attractive to me, I feel like I want to jump into bed with every single one of them, but of course I don't because I am a prude. But it's all I can think about, it's all I want but I don't have it.

Sleep is also an issue.  In two weeks I had only about 10 hours sleep.  Last night I got 8 and now I am awake and struggling for things to do.  I have cleaned the flat, including the carpets, I have taken stuff to CeX that I wanted to get rid off.  I am taking the rejects to the dump on Tuesday.  I have a bag full of clothes that will go to Cash4clothes on Tuesday as well.  It has really helped to clear out my spare room, otherwise known as the 'library'.  But it does look good to have clean carpets.

I really want someone to stay up with me when I am like this so that the nights don't seem so long.  It's the hardest part when there is nothing to do, physically, playing computer games is not possible due to the fact that there is no movement involved so I just wonder from room to room trying to find something to do, trying not to make too much  noise so I don't wake the neighbours.  Sometimes I start dancing with my headphones on, but that usually leads me to singing loudly... again waking the neighbours is not an option.  Sometimes I go for a walk but living in a town I don't tend to feel safe with so many drunks around.  I find it more comforting to walk in the dark in the countryside but there is no where really to walk like that around here.  

So I browse the net, scratch the itch and try my hardest not to spend money I don't have.  I would go for a drive but trying to afford petrol is near impossible.  The fuel card from work has yet to arrive.  So what I am meant to do is beyond me.  My pDoc and CPN refuse to give me any sort of medication to help me with all this, so here I am, trying desperately to keep myself safe but with too much energy raging around my body and having no idea what to do about it.

As much as Mania can be a lot of fun, there are also some real downsides to it and tonight will be one of those nights. It's only 1.30am and I know I have a long night ahead of me.  The other issue is that when the nights are long, the days can feel long as well, especially if you're not going to see anyone. Long nights and long days lead to some horrible times.  When you know it's going to be happening I hate it but when I'm in full blow mania I don't care about this, but I am moving up and I know what's about to happen.

I keep reading from other Bipolars, that there are positives to bipolar... I have yet to work this out.  If there are positives I want to know about them, I want to experience them.  I don't want to have bipolar any more, I want to be 'normal'.

I also want a relationship but I know that if I can't stand to be around myself how is someone else meant to.  I have my ups and downs, more than most, I can be irritable and irrational, I can be so high that I feel like I can accomplish anything and everything and take on too much.  People can't keep up with me and I get frustrated due to the fact no one can keep up with me.  If I am like that, how can anyone love that.  I've already lost one person I was falling in love with, I have lost many friends over all of this..... how can anyone love this broken, fucked up person.

take a step back.

There are time in ones life when you should stop.  Look at your life, and work out if you like who you are, do you know who you are?  Do you like what you've become.

I've been doing that a lot lately, I'm not really sure why.

I have spent a number of year, since I finished therapy, trying to find my way in the world.  I change jobs so many times, trying to work out what I wanted, what I needed.  I moved to different areas, met new people, tried different things.  Pushing my comfort zone, looking for something, some meaning to help me to keep going.  I know that I am made for the single life, I don't do well around people for a long period of time.  I never have been.  People annoy me.  I can't think of anything worse than sharing my life with someone.  That I come home to an empty house, to do what I want to do, in the time I want is my saving grace.  I love it and it's what I need.

I have all that I have ever wanted, I live on my own, I can support myself. I have a social life.  I do voluntary work.  I am part of a wonderful parish.  I have a worth while job and am  making a difference in lives.

I should be content, I should be fine to glide through life until death.  Yet I never want to wake up, I hate waking up.  I want to stay asleep forever.  I am always tired.  I feel nothing. When a laugh it's not real, there are times I feel I should show some sort of emotion but I have no idea what.  

I just don't understand it.  I have everything I have been working towards for year.  Surely it should feel better than this.  Is this all there is to life, is this what the next 40 years is going to feel like.  If so, God please listen to me and let me die.  I can't do this.

I have spent so long creating this life of mine, I have no idea how to change it at this point.  I am too tired to even attempt to change it.... and I can't tell anyone, because this is my fault.  I thought this was what I wanted. I got what I wanted.  So why am I not content.  Why does it just.... I have no words to explain how I feel.  What it's like to wake up and know I have x amount of hours before I can sleep again and enter the oblivion.  Why can't I stay there!

My prayer tonight is for the strength to do what I need to do.

Darkness

Those who have joined me on this blog from blog city, might have noticed that with my blogs now I try and include part or all of a song which speaks to me and about the subject in hand.  However for this entry I wish to do something slightly different.  I was to share a youtube video.

Robert Shaw

It's a canny few small films joined to make a larger film.  However I am going to to share with you the part of the entry that is called 'Prisoner'.

Darkness

It's all I see any more

My grandfather once told me 

That God will shine His light on us

When we've hit rock bottom.

That He'll give us an opportunity

To turn it around

But you're only given one shot

And if you don't take it

If you don't grab hold of that moment

..... Then darkness takes over.

For a while now I have recognised that the darkness is coming.  It's not all I see at the moment but it definitely is coming.  The signs are there, the feelings are returning, old habits have crept in, someone without my noticing (for example I'm covering mirrors again!)  I know that whilst I am where I am, I can not be fully apart of the work I'm doing or the community I am living in.  I know, from past experience, that I can not be part of life when that darkness comes.  I am not nice to be around, I do not want to be around people.  Something else I have noticed that I'm doing, I'm spending more and more time in my room and I'm not sleeping.  I am also writing again, which feels good, but I know I only write when things start getting bad.  Not great really.

The words though really spoke out to me.  I wrote them out a few days ago and have been thinking long and hard about why they speak to me.  I have come to this conclusion.  I believe that these words speak to me because my current situation is that God has shined that light on me, and that being here is my opportunity to turn it all around.  If I don't do it here, I'll never do it.  I want to be different, but I don't know how.  I know I can't keep pulling away from everyone, I know I can't keep hiding so I don't have to develop those personal relationships.  I know that I have to take that step and start talking to someone, but I don't know who I can trust.  I know I have started talking to B, but she is my boss' wife, so it feels a little odd being honest and open with her.  She is however the only person who comes to mind about who I can start trying to develop that trust.

What if I can't take this opportunity? What if the darkness takes over?  I'm not sure I have the strength to fight again.  When you're fighting in darkness, you have no idea if what you are doing is right or wrong, you have to trust that those you've put your trust in the right people so that they can bring you out of the darkness and towards the light.

"This guy's walkin' down a street when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep he can't get out. A doctor passes by and the guy shouts up, "Hey you! Can you help me out?" The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down in the hole, and moves on. Then a priest comes along and the guy shouts up, "Father, I'm down in this hole; can you help me out?" The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a friend walks by. "Hey, Joe, it's me. Can ya help me out?" And the friend jumps in the hole. Our guy says, "Are ya stupid? Now we're both down here." The friend says, "Yeah, but I've been down here before and I know the way out."

Leo McGarry: The West Wing

 I just wish I knew who in my life is the doctor, the priest and who is the friend.  I keep looking at the people around me, but for various reasons I don't think there are any of them are appropriate for me to talk to.  They are either people who are volunteers, who are dealing with their own mental health issues, people who dislike me, or people who are just around for a few months.  I just don't know who there is around that I can talk to, or even start testing the waters with.

Someone can up to me today asking if I was already, I told them I was but inquired to the nature of their question.  They said that for some reason they felt that they needed to pray for me for some reason.  They didn't know why or what is going on, but they just have this feeling they need to pray for me.  Now this person is having many issues of their own, and I'm keeping  a careful eye on them, so I don't know if they are asking me this in hope that I will back off, or because they are worried.  However I told them that I didn't know where they get that idea from, but I thanked them for their prayers.

What worried me though is the subconscious signals that I am sending out.  At the moment, I'm very much faking it until I'm making it.... not just work but with everything.  I would really like at the moment in time to curl up in a ball under my desk and just forget that the world exists, but I know I can't do that.  At the moment, on the whole, I'm managing, however I'm not convinced at just how long I can keep this up.  I don't want to break down, but I don't want to talk to anyone.... I can't talk to anyone.

Sleep is being rather elusive as well, which isn't helping matters at all.  When I don't sleep everything seams so much worse that it is.  I don't know how much longer I can go with this sort of no sleep.  When I've had insomnia in the past I've not got tired with it.  I just didn't sleep or got very little sleep.  Now though I struggle with staying alert.  I want to sleep it just keeps eluding me.

".... your given only one shot, and if you don't take it, if you don't grab hold of that moment.... then the darkness takes over."

I just don't know how to stop the darkness, this time. 

Stupid, stupid me!!!!

How stupid could I be
A simpleton could see
That you're no good for me
But you're the only one I see
Stupid: Sarah McLachlan

So I'm not exactly proud of myself, but at the same time I am.  I haven't been coping at all well lately and I know that.  However, last night I drank a fair bit and I took three of my painkillers.  Not enough for me to get completely off my face but just enough that I could buzz away quite happily for the night.  I know I'm on a dangerous path here, but I don't know what else to do.  I don't trust anyone to talk to, I don't want to go back for counselling because I just don't have anything to talk about.  I don't know what's going on in my head and why I'm feeling like this.  I just know that last  night I felt quite happy for a while.

Still need to sleep though.