emotions

We've had an emotional day in community today.  One of our team members left, and it's brought on a lot of tears by people, baring me.  I haven't cried once.  In fact I don't feel anything.  It's part of life that people come and go. I accept that so I feel nothing, however I have made some flippant comments that have upset a number of people on community.  I have been more flippant that I would have normally been, and I think that's my way of showing my feelings.

I'm upset that this person has left, and it will leave a huge hole in community, and I will miss my head nuggles, however I don't want to cry about it as I know that she will go on to live a wonderful life.  Better than my life will ever be.  Why should I be upset that she's left?  Why should I cry because everyone else is?  However interestingly because I'm not crying no one is checking to see if I'm okay, they are all coming to me for comfort.  So I am taking comfort in the pills and the alcohol and the karaoke tonight!!

dang!

I suspect that last night has become the beginning of the end for me.  Last night I did something I am not proud of, but still it was something that I needed to do.  Last night I started to cry, I don't know what brought the tears, but they came from the depth of my soul.  They came from a place where the darkness lives.  I cried like I haven't done in a very long time.  Tears of pain, tears of utter sadness.  It was uncontrollable and unstoppable.  I don't know what triggered it.  The only reason I stopped though is because I started scratching.  The joy and comfort that offered me was unreal.  It was amazing!  I kept going until my hand started weeping.

This morning, as you can imagine, my hand is swollen and very sore.  The weeping sections of my hand have started to scab over.  Which means I need to cover up which is annoying.  It's so painful this morning, it's unreal.  I don't ever remember the pain being this bad.

I hate the fact that I did it, but it was the only way the tears were going to stop!!!!

Darkness

Those who have joined me on this blog from blog city, might have noticed that with my blogs now I try and include part or all of a song which speaks to me and about the subject in hand.  However for this entry I wish to do something slightly different.  I was to share a youtube video.

Robert Shaw

It's a canny few small films joined to make a larger film.  However I am going to to share with you the part of the entry that is called 'Prisoner'.

Darkness

It's all I see any more

My grandfather once told me 

That God will shine His light on us

When we've hit rock bottom.

That He'll give us an opportunity

To turn it around

But you're only given one shot

And if you don't take it

If you don't grab hold of that moment

..... Then darkness takes over.

For a while now I have recognised that the darkness is coming.  It's not all I see at the moment but it definitely is coming.  The signs are there, the feelings are returning, old habits have crept in, someone without my noticing (for example I'm covering mirrors again!)  I know that whilst I am where I am, I can not be fully apart of the work I'm doing or the community I am living in.  I know, from past experience, that I can not be part of life when that darkness comes.  I am not nice to be around, I do not want to be around people.  Something else I have noticed that I'm doing, I'm spending more and more time in my room and I'm not sleeping.  I am also writing again, which feels good, but I know I only write when things start getting bad.  Not great really.

The words though really spoke out to me.  I wrote them out a few days ago and have been thinking long and hard about why they speak to me.  I have come to this conclusion.  I believe that these words speak to me because my current situation is that God has shined that light on me, and that being here is my opportunity to turn it all around.  If I don't do it here, I'll never do it.  I want to be different, but I don't know how.  I know I can't keep pulling away from everyone, I know I can't keep hiding so I don't have to develop those personal relationships.  I know that I have to take that step and start talking to someone, but I don't know who I can trust.  I know I have started talking to B, but she is my boss' wife, so it feels a little odd being honest and open with her.  She is however the only person who comes to mind about who I can start trying to develop that trust.

What if I can't take this opportunity? What if the darkness takes over?  I'm not sure I have the strength to fight again.  When you're fighting in darkness, you have no idea if what you are doing is right or wrong, you have to trust that those you've put your trust in the right people so that they can bring you out of the darkness and towards the light.

"This guy's walkin' down a street when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep he can't get out. A doctor passes by and the guy shouts up, "Hey you! Can you help me out?" The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down in the hole, and moves on. Then a priest comes along and the guy shouts up, "Father, I'm down in this hole; can you help me out?" The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a friend walks by. "Hey, Joe, it's me. Can ya help me out?" And the friend jumps in the hole. Our guy says, "Are ya stupid? Now we're both down here." The friend says, "Yeah, but I've been down here before and I know the way out."

Leo McGarry: The West Wing

 I just wish I knew who in my life is the doctor, the priest and who is the friend.  I keep looking at the people around me, but for various reasons I don't think there are any of them are appropriate for me to talk to.  They are either people who are volunteers, who are dealing with their own mental health issues, people who dislike me, or people who are just around for a few months.  I just don't know who there is around that I can talk to, or even start testing the waters with.

Someone can up to me today asking if I was already, I told them I was but inquired to the nature of their question.  They said that for some reason they felt that they needed to pray for me for some reason.  They didn't know why or what is going on, but they just have this feeling they need to pray for me.  Now this person is having many issues of their own, and I'm keeping  a careful eye on them, so I don't know if they are asking me this in hope that I will back off, or because they are worried.  However I told them that I didn't know where they get that idea from, but I thanked them for their prayers.

What worried me though is the subconscious signals that I am sending out.  At the moment, I'm very much faking it until I'm making it.... not just work but with everything.  I would really like at the moment in time to curl up in a ball under my desk and just forget that the world exists, but I know I can't do that.  At the moment, on the whole, I'm managing, however I'm not convinced at just how long I can keep this up.  I don't want to break down, but I don't want to talk to anyone.... I can't talk to anyone.

Sleep is being rather elusive as well, which isn't helping matters at all.  When I don't sleep everything seams so much worse that it is.  I don't know how much longer I can go with this sort of no sleep.  When I've had insomnia in the past I've not got tired with it.  I just didn't sleep or got very little sleep.  Now though I struggle with staying alert.  I want to sleep it just keeps eluding me.

".... your given only one shot, and if you don't take it, if you don't grab hold of that moment.... then the darkness takes over."

I just don't know how to stop the darkness, this time.