Over a year later and I'm beginning to resent this change. I don't like how it takes me longer to assimilate information and learn new skills. I don't like how I feel like I am sleep walking through life. I do socialise more, I do know that I am better than I have been my entire life, but I miss my old life. I know how ridiculous this might sound, it's not that I miss the depression I just miss me. I miss my creativity, I miss feeling things..... I just miss what I know. The safety of knowing that I would spend hours in bed and that was what my world was. Part of me wants that back.
Last year I met someone GJ. We spent a lot of time together talking about stuff and enjoying each others company. I had told him about my life before my diagnosis and how I was struggling with the diagnosis, the medication and how my life had been ripped out from beneath me. He knew about my self harming and my suicide attempts. One evening we were talking, and I was saying how my medication made my libido run in overdrive. Then one week I was having a tough week. I was crying in the pub so people notices, he came back to my place and stayed with me until I was settled. The Friday we were out at another gaming group and he came back to mine. We feel asleep on my sofa. Next night I'm at his, and suddenly, for the first time ever, I'm having a sexual relationship. We agreed that this would only carry on for a month until he moved away, there was to be no long term relationship and no long distance relationship.
11 months later we are still together. I don't know if it's the right thing to do though. He is over a decade younger than I. He will want kids at some point, and it is dangerous for me to have children, not sure I want them. I want him to be happy and content and I don't feel that I can offer him that. He deserves more than someone who doesn't know what their mood is going to be like from one day to the next. He deserves someone who he can start a family with, who is will introduce to his family and friends.
I don't want it to stop. I know I need to stop it. But what we have is comfortable, it makes me feel safe, I know I can be real with him.
I miss my old life. The life when I could stay in bed or be as hyper as an atom on heat. I want to go back to before my diagnosis when the world make sense to me. My life now doesn't make sense, and I don't like it. I want my life back.
