When will it all end!

I've cut again. I don't understand why I've not come up. I know Tuesday night was tough for me, and I cut. Usually for a few days after I start coming up and by now I should be back to my 'normal' (which you must understand is not that high). I cried Wednesday and I cried and cut again last night.

I tried to text someone to ask for help but I never sent it, it's still in my drafts folder on my phone. I know I can't do this alone, I know that there are people out there who are willing to help me and all I have to do is ask, reach out and take their hands and they will help me. But I can't do it. All I had to is press send and I could have had someone by my side but something in side me keeps stopping me. I don't know what it is though. What is it in me that just can't reach out and ask for help.

All I seam to be able to do is cut, but it's not doing me any favours for my arm really hurts at the moment. Nothing I do seams to stop the pain. It doesn't hurt to cut, but it hurts at other times. When I turn in the night on to my arm I get woken up with the pain. I have to put a make shift bandage on my arm each night, for it keeps bleeding as the skin gets contorted and the cuts re open. This means they'll scar pretty badly.

Why can't I just reach out to the help that is being offered. Why can't I just start going up rather than forever be going downhill! Something has got to change, and soon. I can't keep doing this, I'm not strong enough. If I have a bad shift tonight I don't know what I would do.

I did it again.

I just couldn't deal with it. He made me feel so bad, I couldn't handle the feelings that were washing over me. He came up near the end of the session and started verbally attacking me, my volunteers and the work we are doing. I barely held it together, one of my volunteers ran off in tears. I got to the end of my street before the tears started falling. I kept it quiet as I walked up the stairs in my flat, The Boys were out. I got into my room collapsed and cried and cried. After some time I got my blade. My old cuts are barely healed but still I cut. I never felt any pain, I was barely aware that they were bleeding. I have had to create some make shift bandages so I don't bleed on my bed linen again, mainly tissue and gaffa tape.

I don't regret what I've done, not at all, but I was talking to M (My Manager) telling her what happened at the end of the session. She asked me to write a report about what happened. Her next question, no hesitation, was if I had done anything. I just nodded, I didn't talk about it though. I wasn't going to tell anyone or talk about it. I wanted this one to be mine, not tell anyone. Keep it to myself. I knew talking things out would be a bad idea. Now every time I feel things are getting about me, she will assume that I have cut, even if it's not true, she will think I am lying. I wanted this to be my thing, I just wanted me to know about it, I didn't want to tell anyone else, I wasn't going to share it with the boys. All this stuff freaks them out way to much for me to confide in them.

Right now all I want to do is get really, really, really drunk but I am scared that if I start drinking I won't stop. I want to cut again but know that I can't, or should I say, shouldn't. It's just so alluring and so comforting. I probably should talk to someone, anyone about the way I'm feeling but I'm not sure I'm strong enough to do it.

I am so lost and alone right again. I don't know where to turn, who to trust or what to do. I want to feel something again. I don't want to be stuck in this hopelessness or feel this pathetic. I wish I could smile and mean it, laugh and know that it's real. I want seeing S to make my heart sing again. Currently all it does is make me hurt. Everything makes me feel worse. I'm just not enjoying anything any more.

I cried so much last night that my eyes were still puffy this morning. I had to do everything in my power to try and depuff my eyes for work. It didn't really work. Even now there is puffiness to them. I also spent a lot of today trying not to cry at the drop of a hat. It's all I wanted to do.

I thought doing down this road was meant to make me feel better, make me feel.... I don't know. I just... ngh what does it matter any way.

Triggers

I've been trying to work out what my triggers are. On the whole I never feel that great, I just permanently feel down. Then there are some days that for what ever reason I start crying and then out of those days there are the days I self harm.

I'm trying to work out what it is about those days I self harm where I get to the point I want to do that.

oh well

Fuck this hurts, I won't lie
Doesn't matter how hard I try

Half the words don't mean a thing
And I know that I wont be satisfied

I've opened up these scars
I'll make you face this

I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away
Extracts from Bleed It Out: Linkin Park

I told my flatmates about what happened last weekend. S looked scared and then just looked at me with pity in his eyes. I know it was more because he didn't know what to say. N on the other hand wanted to try and fix me. At least N gave me a hug. It was just so nice. Sometimes I hate being hugged, other times I really need a hug.

I wasn't going to tell anyone about any of this but felt I had too when S caught me with bare arms. Luckily I was in the right frame of mind to move my body in such a way he couldn't see anything. It brought home to me though how easy it would be for either one of them to catch me with naked arms. That's when I felt I needed to tell them. I couldn't have them seeing it and then feeling uncomfortable.

So that's what I did. I talked to them. I spent the rest of the evening freaking out. I couldn't deal with it. Today I talked to M. She helped me calm myself down a little. I just can't believe how much this all takes out of me. Anyway I have made plans for this weekend. I couldn't deal with a bank holiday weekend on my own. It's when I'm alone thing gets worse.

I gave in and it felt great!

I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

A fragile flame aged
Is misery
And when our hearts meet
I know you see

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut

I may seem crazy
Or painfully shy
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden
If you would just look me in the eye
I feel alone here and cold here
Though I don't want to die
But the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut
Pain
I am not alone
I am not alone

I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

But I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I found it when
I was cut
Plumb: Cut

I couldn't help myself, I really couldn't. I just felt so bad, so useless, so pointless, so down that I couldn't help myself. I had eaten something yesterday, for the first time in three days. Although I had eaten little snacks over three days. It was the forth day and I was thinking I need to eat. So I did and boy did I regret it. I have been so hungry lately, although I don't feel hungry in the traditional way, I am craving food. I missing eating. I don't feel hungry and yet I know my body is hungry for food. My body is starving. I know this to be true. I sense it in my body even though I don't feel hungry.

So yesterday I ate. I haven't felt pain like that in so long. I had these cramps, I couldn't stand at all, I just spent the evening in a ball on my bed. It was the final straw. I have to play with my asthma inhalers because they are making me shake, I have a fungal infection on my arm, I just want to sleep all the time, I don't feel I've had a good week, my feelings for S are getting out of hand and I don't know what to do with any of this and then to top it off I felt like shite after I ate.

It just got all too much and I couldn't deal with it any more, so I got my blade and I cut. I just couldn't stop myself. They bled so much. The 'pain' was euphoric. It calmed me down so much. I cut again and again. Finding it hard to stop. I did stop eventually and then just feel asleep out of exhaustion.

Today I've been trying to keep busy but it's hard to concentrate on anything, so here I am writing my blog watching SG1. I know I should call someone, tell them what happened or knock on one of The Boys door but I just can't bring myself to do it. This is something I want to keep to myself, I don't want other's to know, treat my like a freak show. My cuts are higher than normal and therefore I will be able to hide them easily. One of the advantages of winter I can wear long sleeves. I have to see my mother next week. It'll be a breeze hiding them.

My head is annoying!

"cryin', "Love me, love me, do!"
Because I'm heart over head
over heart over head over you.
Too late to stop it now.
I'm heart over head
over heart over head over you."
Bette Middler: Heart over head!

So I've decided that I need to do something about my feelings for S. I need to get them out there and he needs to know. I need the now from him so I can start getting over him and moving on with my life. I know in my heart of hearts that he will say no.

I keep banging on about this, I keep going on about my feelings. I have never felt this strongly about anyone before.... ever. The main problem is that my head takes over and takes the whole situation to places I'm not ready for or to situations that will never happen. For instance I haven't been in a relationship for so long I don't know the rules, when is it okay to kiss them, hold their hands, snuggle into them. How often you go out? What do you share with them, what you don't share with them? What about the L word, when does that come into things?

My head is playing out these situations and they end up really bad. I am either to clingy or I stand back so much he's not sure why we're in a relationship (both these have happened to me in the past!). I play conversations out in my head about things and we end up fighting. I see problems about our relationship and we're not even in one. Personally I'm not sure he would say yes, if he did say yes I'm not sure how I would react. I don't understand why he would want me. He knows what I'm going through, what if he says yes because he's scared about what I might do if he says no. That's no way to start a relationship.

Then there is the whole sex thing. That within itself is a mine field. Then there is the mine field of the fact we share a flat together.

The whole thing is driving me crazy. I have to do something about it. I want to send him a text. Some of my friends say this is okay the others say it's not. I know that I will never tell him face to face, it's too hard otherwise. It's going to be tough doing it via text. The first text I've drafted has been deemed too negative. I just thought I was being honest!

So at the end of the day I know I have to do something, I'm just not sure of the words to use or what will happen afterwards. I don't want to loose what we've got, I just want to take it to the next level. I hope this doesn't ruin things permanently between us.

I have to do something

"Doing all I can do just to be close to you
Every time that we meet I skip a heartbeat
Always up for a laugh, she's a pain in the ass
Every time that we meet I skip a heartbeat"
Scouting for girls: Heartbeat

Regardless how hard I can try I can't get S out of my system. I joined an online dating site but every time I see someone I compare them to S. When I ever I meet any guy I compare them with S. If I've not seen him for a while he takes my breath away. I have never known anyone who could do that to me. Other people I've had feelings for they would excite me but never make me loose my head or my breath but S can.

I know that I can't carry on like this. I know this, I really do. I need to ask him on a date, I need to know one way or another how he feels about me but I just can't do it. I don't want to lose our thing we've got. I don't want to feel awkward around him, I don't want to be embarrassed. I know that if I ask him he'll tell me he doesn't have feelings for me like that, I know this to be true. There is no other way this will play out I honestly know this. But while I don't know, and while I don't ask him I have my day dream. I can pretend just for a little while longer.

Regardless how crap I feel he can make me smile, he can make me laugh. He can make me feel like I'm worth something. I know that I can't gage myself esteem on how someone makes me feel. I have to feel good about myself, by myself. But having someone who can boost that can't be bad! He makes me feel special. I can be honest and open with him. I can relax around him.

I know I have to do something, I honestly do. I just don't know how, I can't do it. I look at him and the words don't come. Like some much about me I don't have the guts to do it. I'm so pathetic. How hard can it be to say, 'I have feelings for you, do you fancy a date.' I want him so much.

I don't know what to do....

"Doctor, doctor wont you please prescribe me somethin'
A day in the life of someone else?
Cuz I'm a hazard to myself

Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
It's bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else"
Pink: Don't let me get me

.... actually that's a bit of a lie. I know exactly what I should do but I just don't want to do it. For no reason what so ever I feel like shite today. From the moment I woke up I knew today would be a bad day for me. Now at the end of the day I realise that I am right, today has been a bad day, unfortunately, and this is what infuriates those trying to support me, I can't tell you why. There is two things that have got me in a tiz and have not helped my mood but right now I just want to crawl up in bed and sleep. The problem is that's all I've done for weeks now. Curled up in bed and ignore the world. I've had a fag, I have an alcoholic drink by my bed but I still want my razor. I have no idea if that is what I'm going to end up doing tonight but the pull is strong. The problem is that I have a meeting with two people tomorrow to talk about what I'm going to do (these will be part of my support network) and I don't want any new marks for them to find. On top of that I go and see my mother in a couple of weeks for the Easter break for a family meal and I just don't want to have to hide any marks. There is no way in two weeks the marks will have disappeared enough for me not to have to hide them.

Since I got home from work almost two hours ago I've been trying to work out what it is that is making me feel bad. I know I'm worried about tomorrow and telling these two people about what's going on for me. That will make four people who know exactly what is going on. That within itself is completely stressing me out. I hate people knowing so much about me on this level. What I don't get as well is why people care? I am nothing, I don't do anything fantastic, I sit and mope, I don't accomplish anything, I am not important enough for people to care. I just don't understand why these people want to support me. Both N and S never even thought about it when I asked them if they were willing to support me they just instantly said yes. I don't get it. Why? Why would they want to support a fucked up person such as me, I honestly don't get it.

Another thing that has stressed me out is that my manager (H) at work wants 'The Team' at work to undertake this course that she and L had done that did great things for them personally and spiritually. I don't want to do it. If it brings things up that I can't deal with who knows what sort of mess I'll end up in. I can barely get through a day, I exhausted every day just because I have to be around people, and I have to deal with their problems. It takes so much of me not to just collapse down and cry. I don't want to do this course, but if they make 'The Team' do it, I have no choice I will have to be there. I'm not doing psychotherapy at the moment because I have no coping mechanisms to deal with any issues it will bring up so I have to do something else so I can learn to develop coping mechanism. At what point do they think that this course will be a good idea for me...... I have to tell them this at some point fuck knows how I'm going to do that.

I'm all stressed out because too many people know what I'm going through. Some days I feel well and I will tell people.... this is suppose to be a good thing as I need to learn to share things and be open and honest with people (and of course learn to trust), the problem is I don't like it. I don't like the feeling that I'm relaying on people. I don't like giving people that power over me. It's just getting too much. If I don't tell people though (especially those who know to this point) how I'm feeling or what's going on they worry about me, and that freaks me out even more.

I'm also worried because I'm not eating again. I've lost nearly a half stone in just two weeks. This is not good. I hadn't realised that I was eating then I weighed myself and saw my weight and then realised just what I had been doing. Work has just been so stressful that I don't want to eat, so I don't. I have no one who is watching what I eat or how much I eat. I eat at work so that H doesn't worry about me (even then it's usually just a croissant). When I get back to the flat I just don't bother eating. The Boys don't notice. Hell I've barely seen them over the past three weeks. They haven't even noticed my new weight loss. At this point it's becoming obvious that I'm losing weight again. A concern is that I like this not eating. I'm not in pain, I'm not bloated, I don't feel uncomfortable... in fact I feel good. Tired but good.

My feelings for S are out of control. I hadn't seen him for three weeks due to me staying in bed all the time but also due to the fact when I'm in he's out and when he's out I'm in... we're just ships passing in the night. So last Wednesday (before I was ready really) I went out with him and his work colleges. It was a nice night I must admit although it really exhausted me to be around so many people... but I digress. I got to the pub and I saw him there. My heart skipped a beat and my breath was taken away. I'm glad he didn't spot me at that point or else I fear he would have worked out exactly how I felt about him. I can't control the way my body reacts about him. When he's around my stomach turns summer saults, my heart flutters and feels as though it's going to explode out of my body and I can feel myself blush when he talks to me. It's insane. I've only known this guy for about 17 months. How can I feel like this?

I ought to tell someone all of this, one of The Boys maybe but I just can't bring myself to do that. I want to cry but I'm too scared that The Boys will hear and come to my room and try and comfort me. I want to cut but I'm so fed up of hiding marks. I forgot my arm warmers at work and spent ages trying to hide my arms until there was an appropriate time where I could go back to the flat and get them. The marks ain't overly visible until my arms get really hot or really cold, which at the moment is that only two temperatures my body can do. Then the angry read marks show their nasty head and I have to hide them. I just wish all of this was easier to deal with, that I could go phone someone and just say 'I feel shite, I don't know why, I just do, can you keep me company'. You wouldn't think it was a hard thing to do, but it is.

At some point I have a feeling I will have to tell my mother all of this stuff. Currently the people I have told only know because I either work for them or I'm sharing a flat with them. So they need to know as it could affect them in a direct way. It just all fucking sucks and I wish I could do something to stop it all... take it all back. I want to pretend none of this is going on because it was so much easier then. Since I've been talking about it I feel so much worse, I feel claustrophobic, I feel out of control and my moods are so much worse. I have things I need to do but can not bring myself to do them..... I HATE BEING ME RIGHT HOW.