Christmas Magic

I wrote to Santa this year. I say Santa but I actually wrote to the magic of Christmas, hoping that it hears me. I asked for one of two things, which one I am really not that fussed about but it needs to be one of them.

One was to get a jackpot rollover lottery ticket so that I can sort out some community projects.  Help the town I live in, for them to truly know what it means to be a community.

The other was for my death as I can't continue like this but equally I don't have the courage to take my own life.

Every day gets harder and harder, it needs to end but there is no way out.

Ruby

"No antibiotic can save us now

We are the virus that we talk about

It's like a bullet in the head

It's an S.O.S"

S.O.S - Take That

So it's been a while and I have to say that the place I am now is now where I had hoped I would be.  A few months back I moved into a small flat on my own. I love being on my own more than anything else in the world I love it.  I love the freedom, I love the isolation of it.  However, the problem I am coming across is that my health is not good at the moment.

Apart from the joys of depression which I must battle with each and every day of my life I am now suffering from something that is causing Chronic Fatigue.  It started before I moved into my own place, must be about two years ago.  I started to need more than my four hours sleep.  It crept up on me slowly but surely until about I year ago I noticed that unless I have eight hours sleep a night I was really tired.  I remember commenting on it at work and how I couldn't understand how people functioned on having to loose so much time to sleep. How did anyone get anything done? This made my colleagues laugh and that was that.  However, that eight hours turned into ten, into twelve, into fourteen until its now at a point where I set an alarm so I don't sleep more than ten hours.  As tired as I am all the time I still have things to do and spending over half the day asleep does not help matters.  I went to the doctor about this and he was baffled so has sent me to many specialist, and now waiting to see a Chronic Fatigue specialist.  The words ME/CFS are being banded about. I have researched what these are and I'm not really excited about this diagnosis but if it's what I've got, I will have to deal with it.... I suppose.

Work is driving me crazy nuts.  As a teacher, I want the best for my students and want them to flourish, but regardless what I do, what I put into place, the powers that be just destroy everything. It makes me wonder what the point is to plan and prepare anything if they are going to screw everything up anyway.  I am currently looking for new work, especially if I have ME/CFS as there is no flexability in my work hours and we don't get normal school holidays.  It means that I have LONG stresful terams and it's not doing me any favours.  I have learnt that it doesn't matter what it right for my students as long as the director gets her own way regardless how right or wrong that is.  I can't leave as they have me over a barrel, I have no teaching quals, they can't afford to send me on my teaching quals so as a result I can't get another teaching job. I can't even get a job on the same salary I am now, and I need this salary so I can continue to live on my own.  So I'm screwed, so now I refuse to get upset at work, refuse to fight any more. I will just bow down to the powers and let them destroy my class and blame me for doing it.  After all what's the point in caring.

I am also cutting again, and it feels great.  This time this blog is the only place I will admit this is what I am doing.  I have realised that there is no one in my life I can trust this too. They want me to stop or they freak out and start smothering me or trying to force me to stop or want to check on me every single day and I don't want that.  I just want to cut and enjoy it and all that it brings.  I honestly don't care where it ends up.  I have missed my friend and embarrass his return with joy.  I savour each moment and each feeling it offers me. 

Disabilities

I currently live with the following disabilities:
* dyslexia
* dispraxia
* depression
* asthma

And if that wasn't enough I think I am going to be diagnosed with ME!

Well fuck my life. You can have it. Not sure I want it anymore.

I was trying to sort myself out. Finding a new job, perhaps do some fostering... nope, my body has other ideas, to which all I can say is. FUCK OFF.

Absolutly diagustin.

Am in a hospital and a bed bound person has asked four times if a nurse could help her and they ignored her.

I used to be quite pro NHS. But now Since I've moved to the Midlands I am horrified and just how crap it is. They don't talk to each other cross departments. I had to answer the SAME question god knows how many times and when they caused me physical pain they had the nerve to tell me I was being an awkward patient. When I was crying no one offered me a tissue and I didn't eat anything until nine thirty at night over 24 hrs after my previous meal. I was not on nil by mouth.

I can't wait to get out of thus hell hole.

Weather

I feel that the weather changed at the right moment for me. Without the change my depressive state would have continued and I dread to think what state I would be in at this moment.

Looking back on what was happening to me I am extremely grateful for the support, and in some cases.the protection, they provided to help me cope with my work and everything else.

My depression cycle is something that I will never be rid off but with friends like I have discovered recently that I have make it just a little easier to know that I will make it through.

P.s. can I please have the sun and heat back.

Neverending cycle

I hate the Neverending cycle of depression. Please make it either go away or just kill me. I can't do this for the rest of my life.

I. Hate titles

So I started to feel better after my cut-a-thon so I told a couple of people I trust about what I had done. I though it would make me feel better it didn't I now feel worse than I did before. I am now cutting more, I think about it constantly and the fact I can't cut for most of the day it puts me in a bad mood.

So what happened to me in the course of a few hours has not helped my mood in any way shape or form.

I had a dermatologist appointment at 4pm. Didn't get seen until 4.45. At this point I know that I won't make the team meeting at 5pm which will get me into trouble as I missed last month's due to a dermatologist appointment. As a result if I missed today's I will get slapped with a non compliance/disciplinary. I get out at 5 from the hospital so I bombed it over to work for two minutes of the meeting. Not amused. There are other people who have missed way more meetings than me and yet they got off scott free (the one-rule-for-me-one-rule-for-you syndrome at.wirk is out of hand). So I now wasted such petrol its crazy.

The doctor basically admitted to me that me has no idea what is wrong with my skin. He was surprised when I told him the original location (which I have many times). He scratched his head and told me he would refer me to a different department and couldn't understand why I had been reffered to him. He recommended things which if he.bothered to read my notes he would have know the doctors had done everyone of.thise things. So he gave me some antihistamines which the doctor gave me at the beginning of my issues ten months ago. I told him they don't work but he gave them to me anyway. Git.

I have also lost my annual leave because some idiot decided to turn my sick days (which we don't get paid for) into annual days. So I have basically been forced into taking annual leave back in October. I am exhausted. I need some time off. I think I am getting my teaching quals then get a job in a location that actually gives a fuck about their staff although that seems to be a think of the past. These days it's all about squeezing the last drop of blood and sweat out of their staff. To hell with anything else.

Everything pisses me off at the moment and I can't cope with it. I know what I'm doing tonight.

Another day.

Come stand beside me
Come gather round me
And heat this cold cold heart
With love inside me
With arms around me
We'll heat this cold cold heart.

I spent the whole day thinking and celebrating my joy from last night. It has really improved my mood I feel on top of things again. I can feel my mood and the darkness disappear with each cut I make. Each droplet taking more and more of the darkness away. I can't believe it took me this kong to feel this good.again, I was a fool. I am not going back and this time I am not sharing this with anyone. I made that mistake once before. Not this time. This time its mine. I keep it and there is nothing anyone can do about it and I love it. It's my secret, it's my joy and the world can just fade away.

There is no need for conflict. There is no need for trying. Just calm, just peace and to let what is happening to happen.

Life is amazing.

Welcome home mate.

He's back!

Speak to me friend.
Whisper...
I'll listen.
I know, I know you've been locked
out of sight
all these years, like me
My friend...

You there my friend
Come let me hold you.
Now, with a sigh, you grow warm in my hand.
My friend!
My clever friend...
Rest now, my friends.
Soon, I'll unfold you.
Soon you'll know splendours
You never have dreamed
all you days,
my lucky friends
'Til now your shine was merely silver.
Friends, you shall drip rubies, you'll soon drip precious... rubies

I finally worked it out.  It doesn't matter how much I fight the depression, it doesn't matter how hard I try to keep myself well and a part of 'normal' society, the depression will always win because I will always get screwed over.  I will always get dragged down and I will always be pathetic, always there for people to walk over me and let me know just how worthless I am, so it really doesn't matter. I don't need to fight. I just let the depression take over and let it take me.  It doesn't matter.

For the first time in four years I cut. It was amazing. I have missed him. I will have more.... and who the fuck care, I sure as hell don't.

FML

I have no idea what's going on at the moment. One second I'm up the next I just want to cry my eyes out. I am tired ALL the time and yet don't seem to be able to sleep properly.  I want to break so I can just live in a place by myself with my TV, Computer, Xbox and internet connection and forget that the world exsists.

I honest to goodness feel as though I am just waiting for the day I can die.  I'm not sure I want bring forth a death but I know I do not have the ability to live life. I'm not sure I ever had or ever will have that ability. To have friends that I can do things with, bowling, cinema, quick drink, coffee etc. Since that's not possible for me I would just like to break to the point that I can still do some voluntary work, perhaps a late night radio show where I can play music, talk about things but it's just me with the waking dead.  Perhaps I can just fade away, get a terminal illness so I can give up and just allow myself to fade away without people knowing I gave up.

I don't want to die, I don't... or at least I don't think I do. But certainly I don't have the ability to live so what the hell do I do now.

No I'm not going to go on Medication, I've just lot the weight from the last time I was on it. I have no time to get help as any time I get off work I don't get paid for, I can't afford to not be at work, and I can't pay for private help as I can't afford it.

Can something happen, I don't care what but something needs to happen. Either to help me live or help me die.... either or. At this moment I don't mind which but I need something to change.

To break

There are days where I honestly wonder if I would be better if I had a complete breakdown

I'm back!

Sometimes
I feel like going down and so disconnected
Somehow
I know that I am haunted to be wanted
I've been watching
I've been waiting
In the shadows for my time
I've been searching
I've been living
For tomorrows all my life

In the Shadows by The Rasmus 

I am not in a good place right now.  I don't know what's going on in my head, I wish I could just scratch the surface because I swear if I could do that then I'd be able to sort myself out... although I wonder if I would.  I talk about the fact I'm on the edge, I know the crash is coming, I can feel it within me trying to push its way out.  I try and tell myself that it won't come and that it will only come if I talk about it or admit to it.

It's coming. Although I'm not crying right now I have had tears falling most of the night.  I can't imagine how I'm going to be at work tomorrow.  Part of me tells me I'm tired and that's all it is, the logical part of me says it's not because I've been sleeping well this week and there is no way I can be tired.

I want my razor.  I want to feel it slice through my skin.  I want that comfort.  I want to know that somehow I can find comfort.  Comfort from what I don't know.  I know that this has been coming for a while.  I know I should have planned for it.  But I haven't and now I'm alone apart from my blog.   I wish I wasn't living with Mam, then I could cry, I could get high, I could cut, I could go for my midnight walks.  I just don't want to be here where Mam could find me, could see the tears.  She would ask what's wrong.  I have absolutely no idea what is wrong.

That's bollocks I know what's wrong.  I have a chemical imbalance in my brain.  Just as I have to take medication to keep my asthma under control, I have to do the same with the depression.  I spent a session with a client talking about depression and the fact in many ways its no different that asthma or diabetes.  I know this, but the thought of going back to the doctors and asking for pills is just too much.  I know that this is the time I need to fight it, I know this, I honestly do.  I just can't. I really just can't.  I have a job I love, that I never want to loose, I have a new niece or nephew on the way, I have an amazing family who love me... I have things to fight for.

I just can't.  How do I find the energy for something that almost killed me last time (and still surprised it didn't).

Help me find the Vulcan me.

"I'll keep you my dirty little secret

Dirty Little Secret

Don't tell anyone or 

you'll be just another regret

Just another regret

Hope that you can keep it

My dirty little secret

Who has to know?"

Dirty Little Secret: The All American Rejects

Long term readers of my blog (either this one or blog-city) will know that emotions are a complete mystery to me and it's only in the past few years that I have taken that step to discover what they are and how they inpact my life.

I thought I was beginning to make sense of them and then G came into my life.  He's a new member of staff and I must admit, here in the safety of the anonymous blog, that he is cute and if I could I'd go for him.  However he is married with two children so he is off limits.  I'm fine with this. I really am.  Until he starts flirting with me.  Touching me in little ways, teasing me, staring at me.

The other day we were playing in the snow with our students and he rugby tackled me into the snow and sat on me stopping me from moving, he then covered me in snow.  We stared at each other and I sware to God if it wasn't for the fact we were at work, for the fact he's married we would have kissed.

I have to be careful.  Emotions are a mystery and something I'm not so great at controlling any more.  I have lost my vulcan-ness.  Something I miss grately.  I'm not sure life with emotions is all that it's cracked up to me.  I really want to go back to vulcan-ness then G would not be an issue.

It's all made worse by the fact I'm sorta seeing someone at the moment J.  I don't have the feelings for him that I have for G. It's driving me crazy.  J is everything I thought I wanted in a partner.  We are so alike it's lovely, I can completely geek out with him, it's awesome.  But I feel no romantic attachment to him.  G on the other hand he makes me laugh, when he touches me my skin feels as though it's on fire. Just thinking about him now just makes me shiver.

I want to be a vulcan where things like this don't matter.  I won't act upon my emotions, I won't brake up a family that's not me.  I don't ever want that to be me.  I want to be vulcan. I don't want to feel like this.  I had my issues when I was a vulcan but at least emotions were not too big an issue.  If I could be stable as I am not but with the emotional cut off that I had, I'd be content.

I'm beginning to crack.  Something I hate doing in front of people more than anything else in the world, is to cry.  To cry in front of someone is showing weakness, vulnerability and it's just plain wrong.  The other day at work I don't know what happened but I was sitting in a meeting and this wave of darkness hit me and permeated within every cell of my being, digging and sinking toward my soul.   After the meeting I went to my classroom it was empty.  I focused on packing up for the night.  My boss came in and asked if I was all right.  It started before I could stop it I started crying.  She hugged me and it just got harder.  So I pushed her away and told her not too.  I told her some bullshit about how I felt I was failing in my job, I was overwhelmed with the paper work and she fell for it hook line and sinker.  How can I tell someone who just weeks earlier I was telling that I am more stable now than I have ever been that I'm cracking.

To be fair I have told her but I'm not sure she believes me.  I wrote her a letter.  I couldn't tell her in words how I was feeling but I could write it.  When I handed her the letter there were rules.  No talking about it.  No acknowledgement of the letter.  No feedback.  Nothing.  She went and sent me a video in response.  But she read the letter so she should have some idea of how I am feeling and yet I stood in my classroom and she believed what I was telling her.

The whole time I was talking I had the song "I'm not okay, I'm not O-fucking-kay"  I just wish someone could see the cracks that are appearing.  The high I've been on, which I always suspected, was temporary and fake.  I was in hiding.  This time though I haven't got support.  I don't have the Vulcan-ness to protect me and I can't cut as my mother would notice.  I can't get high.  My mother would notice.  So what the hell do I do.

Oh sweet Vulcan. Come back. I'm so sorry I got rid of you. Please come back. Be part of me again. Save me. Keep me safe. Let me not listen to others. I want to back so much. Protect me again.

How I have missed this feeling!

"Yeah, You could be the greatest
You can be the best
You can be the king kong banging on your chest
You could beat the world
You could beat the war
You could talk to God, go banging on his door"

Wall of Fame: The Script

A few months ago I hurt my arm/shoulder. It's very painful and it's only recently I have managed any sort of real movement, but it will hurt me terribly if I move in the wrong way or suddenly.  It has been very painful for so long.  I went to the doctors a few weeks back who refereed me to the physio.  The physio has a look at it and wasn't too sure what was wrong but suspected it was a rotate (?) cuff problem. Gave me some exercises to help. Well the pain got worse! Couldn't believe it could but it has. So talking with a physio who visits work he said that if the pain was bad I need to go back to the doctors. So I am trying to get an appointment.  However talking to the physio, I mentioned I had some tramadol which I took for my back pain.  He said if I needed to I should take it.  So I am.  I'd forgotten just how amazing I feel on this stuff.

Hopefully I can become the productive person I used to be.

Music and it's healing quantity.

"Never made it as a wise man
I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealing
Tired of living like a blind man
I'm sick of sight without a sense of feeling

And this is how you remind me
This is how you remind me
Of what I really am
This is how you remind me
Of what I really am"

 How You Remind Me: Nickleback

I was reminded this week how healing music can be.  I've been a bit down this week, more than anything because of being off work for so long and with nothing to do. One day I felt so bad I got in the car and started driving.  I had my own mix CD in the car, I put the music on loud and drove for about three hours. I felt so much better after that.  What it did remind me though is that I need music to help me with my mood.  Music also can help me to put into words how I feel, sometimes it might be the lyrics other times it might be the feel of the music, sometimes it's a mix of the two.

I really do enjoy putting on my headphones (SkullCandy thank you so much for having amazing headphones!) and put the music on, probably  louder than I should do, but I lay in bed and just allow the music to just completely consume me.  Sometimes I sing along, sometimes I just mouth along and sometimes I just let the music take over and I get lost in it.

It made me go through my music and just see what they would stir within me.  To begin with it was amazing and I remembered things I thought I had forgotten, but then there was the music that brought back feelings that I didn't want to remember and thoughts I didn't want in my head.  So I went back to music I know that help me through. 

The funny part is that two of the songs that really do help me and mean the world to me actually trigger memories of a time in my life that wasn't good, and yet they make me feel better and I'm sure it's because I beat things that time.  Slowly but surely I beat things, and perhaps that's why they help me and make me feel amazing, 'cos I know I can fight some fights.

Not sure it's going to help with the big one that I'm due.

However, the lesson I have learnt (or should I say re-learnt) is that the right music really can make a HUGE difference in ones life.  I really need to find the soundtrack that allows me to fight, the big one as well as the small one.  Music might just be my way out of the mess that is coming my way.