Some good news

You can't give up!

Lookin' for that diamond in the rough

You never know but when it shows up

Make sure you´re holdin' on

'Cause it could be the one, the one you're waiting on

'Cause nobody wants to be the last one there.

And everyone wants to feel like someone cares.

Someone to love with my life in their hands.

There has gotta be somebody for me

Ohhhhhh.

For once, I have something positive to write about.

First, I would like to recap on what has been happening.

I had not realised just how far I had fallen until I started cutting myself, and saw how deep I was cutting and how regularly I was cutting.  I haven't cut this deeply in a really, really long time. Although it has been seven days since I last cut, I wouldn't say I have stopped thinking about it or stopped wanting to do it.  I'm not even all that fussed that I have cuts on my arm, I think they are beautiful and I hate the fact I hide them, I really just want to show them all off to everyone, but I know the repercussions of doing that would be awful for me and that's not what I want.

I also considered weather or not I wanted to take my own life.  I sent cryptic messages to a friend of mine when I was bad, and although I wouldn't go into details he did sent messages back and as a result of this I am still breathing.  A lot of that is down to him.  

Work has been beyond ridiculous and I've only been back 10 days and I already feel like I'm on burn out.  

However, the most important thing I am going to write about today is what happened to me yesterday.  There was going to be a group of five of us going to a Burlesque fair, when I awoke in the morning I discovered that a number of people had rained off due to illness.  The reason I was going to the fair, apart from the fact I love Burlesque, is that one of the group going was a friend who I have not seen in a very long time and I adore spending time with her.  Alas this was not meant to be.   So who was left was me and this Guy, CD, and that made me question weather or not I wanted to go to the fair.

The history between CD and I is as follows:  We met three Fridays ago (28.09.15) and we immediately hit it off.  He is so funny and just made me laugh and smile, which considering I was cutting myself and trying to get high was brilliant.  The next week we were defiantly flirting a bit more, being touchy feeling etc.  All the things I am not, but was that day.  It was crazy.  He asked for my phone number, which I never, ever give to anyone I have known only two weeks (work is different, sometimes numbers need to be given to staff members).  We started chatting straight away and spent a whole week chatting.  Then I told him about this Burlesque fair I was going to and he invited himself, which I was fine with has there was a number of us going the pressure was off.  However, now it's Saturday morning and all that's left is him and me.  I am freaking out to whether I should meet up with him and go to a Burlesque fair! 

It took a while but I decided that I should just over come my anxieties and just go for it.  So I did.  We had a whale of a time.  The fair was amazing and then we walked around Birmingham looking at the architecture of the buildings.  We spent the whole day together and quite late into the evening.  We laughed, we talked (I even talked a little about my depression and I never talk face to face about it unless I'm well!), we teased each other, we held hands and at the end of the day before I got on the train we kissed.  As nervous as I was I loved it, I didn't want him to go.  I wanted to carry on kissing him.  I have never felt that way about anyone.  Usually when I kiss someone I can't wait for it to be over.  But this time it was different.  I wanted him to stay.  I did not want him to go.

So we got on our respective trains.  And the whole way home I could not stop smiling.  Not for a single second.  It didn't even faze me that I had not idea how many stations I needed to be on the train for, it didn't faze me there were not announcements on the train for approaching stations, it didn't even faze me that I had to walk home in the dark.  I was just happy.  At one point I thought I was actually going to cry.  I had to send him a text to say I got home safely which normally would annoy me but didn't this time.  I thought it quite sweet.  Into the evening he sent me a text asking if we could count this as our first date!!!! I said yes.

I had truly convinced myself that the good Lord made me to be single.  I would never know a mans touch, I would never know what it was to be in a relationship.  I know that it's still early days but this man makes me want to smile.  The next little while is going to be a lot of fun trying to work things out and not let my depression get the better of me.  

He lives quite a way from me and he doesn't drive and he works shifts so it's going to be interesting trying to find the time to see each other.  I know we chat a lot, but I am determined to try and see him when I can.  I just hope that my depression isn't screwing with me that these feelings are not real, but the do and I'm enjoying it and trying not to freak my self out too much.