Update

I've had problems sleeping over the past week or so, not because I'm awake but because I was fretting over the test results. It really doesn't bother me what ever would be wrong, weather it's my kidneys, liver, thyroid or iron levels. None of it bothered me, I knew I could deal with it. What made me frett was the fact if it was my liver or my kidney, chances were I caused the damage with all the times I OD back at college. If it was indeed my fault, I would then have to admit to my mother what I had done. I have never, ever told her about the ODing, although I had told her about the cutting. I couldn't cope telling her about the ODing, the suicide attempts etc. I couldn't bare to see that look of disappointment on her face.

So my bloods came back, everythings normal, there is nothing wrong. They are still awaiting one more test result. I have to phone up tomorrow to find out if it's back. If that shows nothing wrong, I wonder what they'll do next. I really can't cope with being tired like this for much longer.

Cancer

I have had these marks on my breast area for some time, and a few months ago I went to the doctor to have them sussed out. I was scared they were cancer. She didn't know what they were and told me to go without a bra as often as I can. So I did. Over the last month two of these marks have changed colour and shape. I got a wee bit concerned all over again. So I went to the doctors this morning. He told me they were warts. Nothing to worry about and that eventually my body would get rid of them naturally.

The thing is when I was depressed, I couldn't kill myself. I just didn't have the guts. So instead I prayed for Cancer. No one in my family (on either side) has ever survived this disease, so I thought this would be a great way out. It would look like I'm fighting, but really I would die. These day's, although I still have bad days, I don't want life to end. When I thought I had skin cancer I was scared, I was scared that my prayers (of old) had been answered. I really don't want to die. I want to live. Yes, I wish my life was different, and that I was more content with my life but these are areas I can work on. I pray each day that I can be content and that God will show me what I need to do, and I pray that I can place myself in God's hands and his plans for me, and I pray that I have the courage to go through with what he's asking of me. I don't want to die, and I certainly don't want cancer.

I have to have blood tests anyway because I can't seam to wake up lately. Anytime night or day, I could happily fall asleep so the doctors are checking my blood and urine to see if my thyroid, kidney and liver are all working correctly. I have the blood taken next week, then it's five working days for the results. In the meantime I have to struggle to stay awake. I really don't think I can cope if there is something really wrong with them. It would be my own fault from all the ODing I did at uni. I really would have no one to blame but myself. What have I done?