Trinity

The Trinity is one God who exists simultaneously in three persons. 

Each is coequal, copowerful, and coeternal with the other. 

Each person--Father, Son and Holy Spirit--is not the other. 

Without either there is no God. All comprise the one God

So I have come to understand that there are three parts to me now.  

There is the manic me where I have so much energy I have no idea what to do with it, so I start redecorating at 2am or cleaning my kitchen at 3am.  I go out for walks, I talk at 90 miles an hour unable to stop myself, I spend too much money, I don't look after myself properly, only eat if it's something I don't have to cook (McDonalds here I come)... I just keep moving, never stopping, sleep only happening ever few night and only for a few hours.  I socialise all the time, with different sets of people so no one can see what is happening.  I try and be out of the house for as long as possible.  I also tend to drive too fast.  I can put myself in dangerous situations like getting drunk and walking home at 3am down unlit roads.  I just don't care, life is just there for the grabbing to hell with everything else.  I wash a little bit more than when I'm depressed but not by much.  Once i've been like this for a while I start getting ratty and rude when people are  not as fast as me and are slow and annoying

There is depressed me where everything makes me anxious, where I don't like to get out of bed, where I sleep all the time.  I don't eat, I don't interact with people, I don't do much of anything.  Just lay in bed.  I don't wash, I don't change my clothes, I only munch on little things.  Anything that means I don't have to get out of bed.  I hate the phone going, I hate being on the internet, I will avoid life as much as I can and if people do notice and start calling/texting me I just get really frustrated and hid even further into my bed.  

Then there is 'normal' me.  This is the me I'm not sure about.  This is the me I don't think I have ever got to know.  I've always been either manic or depressed, never anything in between.  Now there is this third person in my life and I'm not sure what to do with her.  When I am her life is copable.  Nothing is overwhelming, I can deal with stress and pressure as if they are nothing.  I go out and be with people without upsetting them or me.  I don't want to hurt myself, in fact I don't know why i would want to hurt myself when I am this person.  This person turns up for a little while before moving into one of the other two.

So I am now trying to balance my life with these three people.  I know I have to keep taking my meds so that these three people can try and coexist in a way that does not disrupt my life as the other two have.  I'm just not sure this is what I want.  This 'normal' me is a stranger to me and I don't know if it's someone I want to let into my life.  I don't trust people normally so how the hell do I trust this one.  I know it's me, but it's not me.  All three of these people are me whilst at the same time not being me.  It's so confusing.

I haven't been taking my meds either.  I just don't see the point.  I'm not convinced I'm any better off now than I was before.  At least before I had a job (not always easy but I was getting there with it), I had a Boyfriend, I had money, I had a life... now I'm just a rollercoaster that is going extremely fast and just about staying on it's track, just one wrong move and it's all over.  I wish I could go back to the beginning of October and do it all over again.  Make different moves and most of all not confide in the person I thought was a friend who then screwed me over.

I should mention that it doesn't really bother me that they told management that I had mental health issues and what I had been doing... what bothers me is the fact that the person made it sound like I had attempted suicide many times and that I was cutting myself constantly, and they started telling other people around college.  Making it all sound ALOT worse than it actually was/is.  I can never forgive her that.  I can forgive her for trying to get me help.   

Severing Ties

Where are the stars? Where is the sky?

Where is the chart to guide us by?

Where is the map?

Where is the part where I melt your frozen heart?

Frozen Heart from Goddess

Depression is a funny thing.  It's full of contradictions and paradoxes, it never makes much sense to those on the outside.  When people ask me about it I find that I struggle to explain what is going on with me in a comprehensible language.  Even I don't understand my verbal and written language when I explain things.  If someone was telling me what I write and talk about I would get so confused and really frustrated with them.

I am in a real slump at the moment.  I have moments of uber energy where I can get things done, so I take advantage of those by doing some cleaning or going for a walk or even going shopping just as long as I'm in solitude.  I also have moments where I don't even want to move, so I just sit on the sofa with the TV on and I couldn't tell you what I am watching, I just sit there waiting for I-don't-know-what.  I just sit, on my own, not doing anything, not thinking, just staring at the TV.

Regardless how I'm feeling I just don't talk to anyone.  I don't go on to facebook much, if someone texts me I just leave it or if someone messages me I just don't answer.  I don't want to interact with people, it's too exhausting.  People want to talk about my feelings about stuff, be it my illness or what I have been watching.  People ask me if I want to go out and I can't make decisions about anything so I ignore the messages/texts.  And yet I am desperate for someone to come to my house, to hold me tight and just sit there with me in silence.  To sit there holding me for those times where for some unknown reason I burst in to tears.  To take my hand and lead me back to the light.  People take everything for face value.  I want to be left alone and I don't want to be left alone.

With how things happened at work because I told someone what I was going through I am finding it really hard to find someone I can talk this stuff through with, so I use this instead.  To write about it, to try and make sense of what is going on in my head and it does help to a point.  But it's missing that interaction with a living, breathing being.

CD and I broke up, no big surprise and I get why we did, I'm not angry about it just disappointed.  I can't help though thinking that the reason he didn't fight was because of the Bipolar and I told him about the cutting.... don't think I told him about the suicide attempts.  But it makes me wonder, is there someone out there who will ever understand about it, who would be there to support me in this.  To take the ups and downs, the me who gets manic, the me who get's depressed, the me who gets irrationally angry, the me who is anxious, the me that doesn't make sense and contradict herself constantly.  Is there someone out there who would even try and understand all this and love me regardless.  I am defiantly better of by myself.  I can't get betrayed, I can't get hurt and most of all I don't have to try and put into words stuff that doesn't make sense to me a lot of the time.

I sit here in the grey, knowing there is light somewhere but not sure where it is, knowing that the darkness is easy enough to find.  Hating the fact I have to take medication every day, that I have to see a CPN every week, knowing that this is here to stay.  I am alone in this, I can only rely on myself and I don't think I can even do that any more.  I don't trust myself.

I know I have to take it one day at a time at the moment.  Looking to the future is terrifying and overwhelming so right now I don't do it.  It's too much.  But one day at a time is too hard.  I honestly don't know what I should do.

I tried doing the Beating Bipolar website.  There are a number of videos to watch that help someone to understand what Bipolar is and how to manage it but there is an emphasis on the idea that Bipolar is something that can beaten but it's not.  It is something you learn to integrate into your life so that it has minimal impact.  It's not easy and there are always moment that regardless how hard you try it rears it's ugly head and support is required.  So how can you beat it?

I have read how important it is to have trusted people around you who can recognise when you get ill again and encourage you to get help.  Me Mam won't talk about it, not allowed to talk about it with me sister so that rules out family and I've stopped trusting the people around me.  I just don't know what to do.  I am on my own.  This is not going to change any time soon, so unless I manage to recognise I am ill, which historically I don't because I am so good at compartmentalising it thus cutting myself off from it so I don't have to acknowledge it, so somehow I have to reverse this.  Can't see that happening any time soon.

There is so much uncertainty in my life and I wish I could find something I could hold on to something.  Faith/God doesn't comfort me any more.  It's all just too hard.  I wish someone was holding me telling me that everything was going to be alright, because right now I don't believe this in any way or form and I'm really considering to stop fighting, stopping the meds and just see what happens.

Faith

Years ago I had the most amazing faith, I felt God in my life all the time.  I trusted God, I prayed about everything.  Every decision I made in my life I prayed about it first. I thanked God every day for the life I had and what had happened during the day.  I prayed for strength to continue in my faith and walk the path he had given me.

Over the years I have found it harder and harder to keep that faith.  I falter all the time.  I'm now at a phase in my life where I find it impossible to find him.  I pray and there is nothing there. I pray for the strength for the fight I need to have but I'm finding it harder and harder to fight.

I've been watching 'Touched by an Angel'.  A wonderful show about angels who walk the earth helping those  in need.  I listen to what the angels say, about God and how he doesn't forsake you, how he loves you and sends you angels to be with you.  Some days I watch it and find comfort in what they say, but most days I watch it and what they say makes me angry and makes me realise that God is no longer here.  He is gone.

I know me being sick has nothing to do with God, it's one of those things that happen in the world.  God is meant to be there to remind us that we are amazing human beings and can cope with a lot, especially if we turn to him for help.  However, I have never felt more alone in my life.  I could be with friends and yet  I am alone.  I have tried praying, I have tried reading the bible, I have tried many things but God is not in my life.  There is no angel walking with me.  It's just me trying to fight every day and I'm tired.  I always thought that God had a plan to me, it's why I hadn't died yet or had more long term issues with the amount of pills and alcohol I consumed.  I should have kidney or liver failure at the very minimum.  But now I just think he has an evil sense of humour and is just toying with me, and I hate him for that.  I'm beginning to believe that I don't want him in my life any more.  It's just all a farce.  We are on our own, there is nothing after death.  There is nothing for me.  I am what I always believed I am.  Nothing.  There is no point me being here.  There is no plan, there is no future for me.

I am tired of the medication side effects, I'm tired of my CPN not actually hearing me. I am tired of my pdoc thinking he knows all that I am and making (wrong) assumptions about me.  I am tired of my family not wanting to talk about my Bipolar.  I am tired of breathing every day and knowing that nothing will ever get better.  I am tired of worrying about money.  This is when I wish there was someone else in my life to make me fight, to care for me until I can start the fight up again for myself.  I can not keep this up, it's too hard these days.  I'm not saying I want to take my life but I don't want to do this any more.  I can not do this any more.  I don't know what to do about it.  

I hate life at the moment, and I want to curl up in a ball and just stop.  

How?

Whenever I lay me down to sleep

I pray the Lord your soul to keep

And bring you home safe to me, for ever darling

Do I love you?

Do I love you?

Do I love you?

Do I love you (Indeed I do) - Frank Wilson

Anyone who has known me for any length of time know that I truly believed I was made to be single.  It's part of my make up and I made peace with that a long time ago and made a life accordingly, never having to think about another person etc.

However, with CD, entering my life things have changed.  I have turned into one of those ridiculous people who just go gaga thinking about him, who smiles when their phone goes and just can't wait until I see him.  I can't get over how different I am and how I see things differently.

I have been to the doctor to talk about contraception, not that I've acted on it but I have actually started talking and seriously thinking about sleeping with this guy.  It's been a long time since I have felt sexually attracted to someone.  It scares me how real this could be, I am desperately trying to not freak myself out, to take my time but not drag my heals.  I am taking stock of my feelings and moving accordingly.  I am hoping that I can take the next step without completely freaking myself or him out.

How quickly can you fall in love? I have real feelings for him and they are intense.  So much so I do keep freaking myself out with all of it, and thinking about it all.  I am trying not to rush into anything too quickly after all we've only known each other 5 weeks, dated for 3 of those.  We talk every single day, and try and see each other as often as we can which is hard.  We're quite a distance from each other, he works shifts, only gets one weekend off in three and he has a daughter to see.  It makes it hard but it's so worth the effort.

There are times I feel I am being over cautious, there are times I feel overwhelmed and things are going to fast.  However, CD knows when I'm freaking out and allows me to just do what I need to do.  He looks at me and tells me how cute I am when I freak out.  Then he kisses me and everything just fades away, the important thing is he's allowing me time and space to work stuff out.

I told him I had never slept with anyone and he's never pushed me or brought the subject up.  He said he wouldn't push me, but when I'm ready there is a bed waiting.  He is happy though to just spend time with me and allow me to work through what it is I need to do.   He is not pressuring me into anything.  He just goes with the flow and I push myself to make things work, but not push myself to the point where I feel bad.  I'm enjoying the journey out of my comfort zone.  I sat in his house the other day, on his bed where we lay in each others arms whilst kissing.  That was it.   no pushing, no touching, just chatting and kissing.  It was so overwhelming but I loved it.

So I ask.... how the hell did this happen to me?!

Help me find the Vulcan me.

"I'll keep you my dirty little secret

Dirty Little Secret

Don't tell anyone or 

you'll be just another regret

Just another regret

Hope that you can keep it

My dirty little secret

Who has to know?"

Dirty Little Secret: The All American Rejects

Long term readers of my blog (either this one or blog-city) will know that emotions are a complete mystery to me and it's only in the past few years that I have taken that step to discover what they are and how they inpact my life.

I thought I was beginning to make sense of them and then G came into my life.  He's a new member of staff and I must admit, here in the safety of the anonymous blog, that he is cute and if I could I'd go for him.  However he is married with two children so he is off limits.  I'm fine with this. I really am.  Until he starts flirting with me.  Touching me in little ways, teasing me, staring at me.

The other day we were playing in the snow with our students and he rugby tackled me into the snow and sat on me stopping me from moving, he then covered me in snow.  We stared at each other and I sware to God if it wasn't for the fact we were at work, for the fact he's married we would have kissed.

I have to be careful.  Emotions are a mystery and something I'm not so great at controlling any more.  I have lost my vulcan-ness.  Something I miss grately.  I'm not sure life with emotions is all that it's cracked up to me.  I really want to go back to vulcan-ness then G would not be an issue.

It's all made worse by the fact I'm sorta seeing someone at the moment J.  I don't have the feelings for him that I have for G. It's driving me crazy.  J is everything I thought I wanted in a partner.  We are so alike it's lovely, I can completely geek out with him, it's awesome.  But I feel no romantic attachment to him.  G on the other hand he makes me laugh, when he touches me my skin feels as though it's on fire. Just thinking about him now just makes me shiver.

I want to be a vulcan where things like this don't matter.  I won't act upon my emotions, I won't brake up a family that's not me.  I don't ever want that to be me.  I want to be vulcan. I don't want to feel like this.  I had my issues when I was a vulcan but at least emotions were not too big an issue.  If I could be stable as I am not but with the emotional cut off that I had, I'd be content.

I'm beginning to crack.  Something I hate doing in front of people more than anything else in the world, is to cry.  To cry in front of someone is showing weakness, vulnerability and it's just plain wrong.  The other day at work I don't know what happened but I was sitting in a meeting and this wave of darkness hit me and permeated within every cell of my being, digging and sinking toward my soul.   After the meeting I went to my classroom it was empty.  I focused on packing up for the night.  My boss came in and asked if I was all right.  It started before I could stop it I started crying.  She hugged me and it just got harder.  So I pushed her away and told her not too.  I told her some bullshit about how I felt I was failing in my job, I was overwhelmed with the paper work and she fell for it hook line and sinker.  How can I tell someone who just weeks earlier I was telling that I am more stable now than I have ever been that I'm cracking.

To be fair I have told her but I'm not sure she believes me.  I wrote her a letter.  I couldn't tell her in words how I was feeling but I could write it.  When I handed her the letter there were rules.  No talking about it.  No acknowledgement of the letter.  No feedback.  Nothing.  She went and sent me a video in response.  But she read the letter so she should have some idea of how I am feeling and yet I stood in my classroom and she believed what I was telling her.

The whole time I was talking I had the song "I'm not okay, I'm not O-fucking-kay"  I just wish someone could see the cracks that are appearing.  The high I've been on, which I always suspected, was temporary and fake.  I was in hiding.  This time though I haven't got support.  I don't have the Vulcan-ness to protect me and I can't cut as my mother would notice.  I can't get high.  My mother would notice.  So what the hell do I do.

Oh sweet Vulcan. Come back. I'm so sorry I got rid of you. Please come back. Be part of me again. Save me. Keep me safe. Let me not listen to others. I want to back so much. Protect me again.

Darkness

Those who have joined me on this blog from blog city, might have noticed that with my blogs now I try and include part or all of a song which speaks to me and about the subject in hand.  However for this entry I wish to do something slightly different.  I was to share a youtube video.

Robert Shaw

It's a canny few small films joined to make a larger film.  However I am going to to share with you the part of the entry that is called 'Prisoner'.

Darkness

It's all I see any more

My grandfather once told me 

That God will shine His light on us

When we've hit rock bottom.

That He'll give us an opportunity

To turn it around

But you're only given one shot

And if you don't take it

If you don't grab hold of that moment

..... Then darkness takes over.

For a while now I have recognised that the darkness is coming.  It's not all I see at the moment but it definitely is coming.  The signs are there, the feelings are returning, old habits have crept in, someone without my noticing (for example I'm covering mirrors again!)  I know that whilst I am where I am, I can not be fully apart of the work I'm doing or the community I am living in.  I know, from past experience, that I can not be part of life when that darkness comes.  I am not nice to be around, I do not want to be around people.  Something else I have noticed that I'm doing, I'm spending more and more time in my room and I'm not sleeping.  I am also writing again, which feels good, but I know I only write when things start getting bad.  Not great really.

The words though really spoke out to me.  I wrote them out a few days ago and have been thinking long and hard about why they speak to me.  I have come to this conclusion.  I believe that these words speak to me because my current situation is that God has shined that light on me, and that being here is my opportunity to turn it all around.  If I don't do it here, I'll never do it.  I want to be different, but I don't know how.  I know I can't keep pulling away from everyone, I know I can't keep hiding so I don't have to develop those personal relationships.  I know that I have to take that step and start talking to someone, but I don't know who I can trust.  I know I have started talking to B, but she is my boss' wife, so it feels a little odd being honest and open with her.  She is however the only person who comes to mind about who I can start trying to develop that trust.

What if I can't take this opportunity? What if the darkness takes over?  I'm not sure I have the strength to fight again.  When you're fighting in darkness, you have no idea if what you are doing is right or wrong, you have to trust that those you've put your trust in the right people so that they can bring you out of the darkness and towards the light.

"This guy's walkin' down a street when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep he can't get out. A doctor passes by and the guy shouts up, "Hey you! Can you help me out?" The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down in the hole, and moves on. Then a priest comes along and the guy shouts up, "Father, I'm down in this hole; can you help me out?" The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a friend walks by. "Hey, Joe, it's me. Can ya help me out?" And the friend jumps in the hole. Our guy says, "Are ya stupid? Now we're both down here." The friend says, "Yeah, but I've been down here before and I know the way out."

Leo McGarry: The West Wing

 I just wish I knew who in my life is the doctor, the priest and who is the friend.  I keep looking at the people around me, but for various reasons I don't think there are any of them are appropriate for me to talk to.  They are either people who are volunteers, who are dealing with their own mental health issues, people who dislike me, or people who are just around for a few months.  I just don't know who there is around that I can talk to, or even start testing the waters with.

Someone can up to me today asking if I was already, I told them I was but inquired to the nature of their question.  They said that for some reason they felt that they needed to pray for me for some reason.  They didn't know why or what is going on, but they just have this feeling they need to pray for me.  Now this person is having many issues of their own, and I'm keeping  a careful eye on them, so I don't know if they are asking me this in hope that I will back off, or because they are worried.  However I told them that I didn't know where they get that idea from, but I thanked them for their prayers.

What worried me though is the subconscious signals that I am sending out.  At the moment, I'm very much faking it until I'm making it.... not just work but with everything.  I would really like at the moment in time to curl up in a ball under my desk and just forget that the world exists, but I know I can't do that.  At the moment, on the whole, I'm managing, however I'm not convinced at just how long I can keep this up.  I don't want to break down, but I don't want to talk to anyone.... I can't talk to anyone.

Sleep is being rather elusive as well, which isn't helping matters at all.  When I don't sleep everything seams so much worse that it is.  I don't know how much longer I can go with this sort of no sleep.  When I've had insomnia in the past I've not got tired with it.  I just didn't sleep or got very little sleep.  Now though I struggle with staying alert.  I want to sleep it just keeps eluding me.

".... your given only one shot, and if you don't take it, if you don't grab hold of that moment.... then the darkness takes over."

I just don't know how to stop the darkness, this time. 

Creaper

"I may seem crazy
Or painfully shy
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden
If you would just look me in the eye
I feel alone here and cold here
Though I don't want to die
But the only anaesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside."

Cut: Plumb

As part of my new job I must sit though half hour to an hour of silent prayer.  Anyone who has known me since my birth knows that trying to sit still for that long is not good for me.  I brought this up with my boss' and they were unsympathetic.  I told them that I boarder on having hyperactivity/ADHD/ADD, as a result I don't sit still for long and I can't concentrate on one thing at a time.  I have to be doing a number of things at once, so I wondered if it was possible for me to take in some music during this time to help me out with this and allow me to pray in a way that I know works for me.  I was rejected.  So I told them there would be a price to pay and as long as their willing to deal with that so be it.

Well the price has come.  I am once again dealing with Insomnia, which isn't too bad really, I'm getting a lot more writing done which is nice.  The bad part though is that my depression is trying to worm itself back into my life.  I have found myself drinking more, and taking my pain medication (even though I don't need it) with a bit of alcohol just so I can get a bit of a buzz.  I'm not getting high, not really, just enough so I can make it through the night.  I haven't started cutting though which is nice.  I find more and more though that I struggle to be happy and nice to people.  Most days I would be quite happy to kill most people I'm around, which is never good when you live and work within community.  I have also found that the only way I can be 'calm' during silent prayer is to start banging my head against the wall.  I didn't realise I was doing it to begin with but now I find it most comforting.  I know it's not a good sign though.

I also find myself pulling away from people, and spending more and more time on my own.  I don't want to be around people.  I recognise the road I am on but really not sure what I need to do to stop this.  I tried talking to someone about what's going on in my head, but she freaked out and found it hard to deal with so I'm not going to be talking to her again.  Not like the way she thinks I will be.

I know the road I'm on, how do I get off thought?

Proud

I look into the window of my mind
Reflections of the fears I know I've left behind
I step out of the ordinary, I can feel my soul ascending
I am on my way, can't stop me now and you can do the same

What have you done today to make you feel proud?
It's never too late to try
What have you done today to make you feel proud?
You could be so many people if you make that break for freedom
What have you done today to make you feel proud?

Still so many answers I don't know
Realize that to question is how we grow
So I step out of the ordinary, I can feel my soul ascending
I am on my way, can't stop me now and you can do the same

What have you done today to make you feel proud?
It's never too late to try
What have you done today to make you feel proud?
You could be so many people if you make that break for freedom
What have you done today to make you feel proud?

We need a change, do it today
I can feel my spirit rising
We need a change, so do it today
'Cause I can see a clear horizon

What have you done today to make you feel proud?
So what have you done today to make you feel proud?
'Cause you could be so many people if you make that break for freedom
So what have you done today to make you feel proud?

What have you done today to make you feel proud?
What have you done today?
You could be so many people just make that break for freedom
So what have you done today to make you feel proud?

I am so unbelievably proud of myself at the moment.  We had our first retreat this week, 98 seventeen year olds.  It was a brilliant two days, except for the two other staff members who, out of kindness ended up pissing me off and making me angry, because they would not allow me to lead the retreat.  By the end of the retreat I really did dislike them.  However the day after the retreat we sat down and talked about it all.  I explained my feelings and how they made me feel, but also that I know that they didn't mean anything malicious by it. They listened to what I had to say, and apologised as that was not what they meant to happen.  We talked open and honestly about our feelings from each of our view points.  It was very refreshing.  I am so proud that I actually spoke up about my feelings and actually did something about it, rather than getting depressed about it.

What have you done today to be proud?

oh well

Fuck this hurts, I won't lie
Doesn't matter how hard I try

Half the words don't mean a thing
And I know that I wont be satisfied

I've opened up these scars
I'll make you face this

I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away
Extracts from Bleed It Out: Linkin Park

I told my flatmates about what happened last weekend. S looked scared and then just looked at me with pity in his eyes. I know it was more because he didn't know what to say. N on the other hand wanted to try and fix me. At least N gave me a hug. It was just so nice. Sometimes I hate being hugged, other times I really need a hug.

I wasn't going to tell anyone about any of this but felt I had too when S caught me with bare arms. Luckily I was in the right frame of mind to move my body in such a way he couldn't see anything. It brought home to me though how easy it would be for either one of them to catch me with naked arms. That's when I felt I needed to tell them. I couldn't have them seeing it and then feeling uncomfortable.

So that's what I did. I talked to them. I spent the rest of the evening freaking out. I couldn't deal with it. Today I talked to M. She helped me calm myself down a little. I just can't believe how much this all takes out of me. Anyway I have made plans for this weekend. I couldn't deal with a bank holiday weekend on my own. It's when I'm alone thing gets worse.

I don't know what to do....

"Doctor, doctor wont you please prescribe me somethin'
A day in the life of someone else?
Cuz I'm a hazard to myself

Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
It's bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else"
Pink: Don't let me get me

.... actually that's a bit of a lie. I know exactly what I should do but I just don't want to do it. For no reason what so ever I feel like shite today. From the moment I woke up I knew today would be a bad day for me. Now at the end of the day I realise that I am right, today has been a bad day, unfortunately, and this is what infuriates those trying to support me, I can't tell you why. There is two things that have got me in a tiz and have not helped my mood but right now I just want to crawl up in bed and sleep. The problem is that's all I've done for weeks now. Curled up in bed and ignore the world. I've had a fag, I have an alcoholic drink by my bed but I still want my razor. I have no idea if that is what I'm going to end up doing tonight but the pull is strong. The problem is that I have a meeting with two people tomorrow to talk about what I'm going to do (these will be part of my support network) and I don't want any new marks for them to find. On top of that I go and see my mother in a couple of weeks for the Easter break for a family meal and I just don't want to have to hide any marks. There is no way in two weeks the marks will have disappeared enough for me not to have to hide them.

Since I got home from work almost two hours ago I've been trying to work out what it is that is making me feel bad. I know I'm worried about tomorrow and telling these two people about what's going on for me. That will make four people who know exactly what is going on. That within itself is completely stressing me out. I hate people knowing so much about me on this level. What I don't get as well is why people care? I am nothing, I don't do anything fantastic, I sit and mope, I don't accomplish anything, I am not important enough for people to care. I just don't understand why these people want to support me. Both N and S never even thought about it when I asked them if they were willing to support me they just instantly said yes. I don't get it. Why? Why would they want to support a fucked up person such as me, I honestly don't get it.

Another thing that has stressed me out is that my manager (H) at work wants 'The Team' at work to undertake this course that she and L had done that did great things for them personally and spiritually. I don't want to do it. If it brings things up that I can't deal with who knows what sort of mess I'll end up in. I can barely get through a day, I exhausted every day just because I have to be around people, and I have to deal with their problems. It takes so much of me not to just collapse down and cry. I don't want to do this course, but if they make 'The Team' do it, I have no choice I will have to be there. I'm not doing psychotherapy at the moment because I have no coping mechanisms to deal with any issues it will bring up so I have to do something else so I can learn to develop coping mechanism. At what point do they think that this course will be a good idea for me...... I have to tell them this at some point fuck knows how I'm going to do that.

I'm all stressed out because too many people know what I'm going through. Some days I feel well and I will tell people.... this is suppose to be a good thing as I need to learn to share things and be open and honest with people (and of course learn to trust), the problem is I don't like it. I don't like the feeling that I'm relaying on people. I don't like giving people that power over me. It's just getting too much. If I don't tell people though (especially those who know to this point) how I'm feeling or what's going on they worry about me, and that freaks me out even more.

I'm also worried because I'm not eating again. I've lost nearly a half stone in just two weeks. This is not good. I hadn't realised that I was eating then I weighed myself and saw my weight and then realised just what I had been doing. Work has just been so stressful that I don't want to eat, so I don't. I have no one who is watching what I eat or how much I eat. I eat at work so that H doesn't worry about me (even then it's usually just a croissant). When I get back to the flat I just don't bother eating. The Boys don't notice. Hell I've barely seen them over the past three weeks. They haven't even noticed my new weight loss. At this point it's becoming obvious that I'm losing weight again. A concern is that I like this not eating. I'm not in pain, I'm not bloated, I don't feel uncomfortable... in fact I feel good. Tired but good.

My feelings for S are out of control. I hadn't seen him for three weeks due to me staying in bed all the time but also due to the fact when I'm in he's out and when he's out I'm in... we're just ships passing in the night. So last Wednesday (before I was ready really) I went out with him and his work colleges. It was a nice night I must admit although it really exhausted me to be around so many people... but I digress. I got to the pub and I saw him there. My heart skipped a beat and my breath was taken away. I'm glad he didn't spot me at that point or else I fear he would have worked out exactly how I felt about him. I can't control the way my body reacts about him. When he's around my stomach turns summer saults, my heart flutters and feels as though it's going to explode out of my body and I can feel myself blush when he talks to me. It's insane. I've only known this guy for about 17 months. How can I feel like this?

I ought to tell someone all of this, one of The Boys maybe but I just can't bring myself to do that. I want to cry but I'm too scared that The Boys will hear and come to my room and try and comfort me. I want to cut but I'm so fed up of hiding marks. I forgot my arm warmers at work and spent ages trying to hide my arms until there was an appropriate time where I could go back to the flat and get them. The marks ain't overly visible until my arms get really hot or really cold, which at the moment is that only two temperatures my body can do. Then the angry read marks show their nasty head and I have to hide them. I just wish all of this was easier to deal with, that I could go phone someone and just say 'I feel shite, I don't know why, I just do, can you keep me company'. You wouldn't think it was a hard thing to do, but it is.

At some point I have a feeling I will have to tell my mother all of this stuff. Currently the people I have told only know because I either work for them or I'm sharing a flat with them. So they need to know as it could affect them in a direct way. It just all fucking sucks and I wish I could do something to stop it all... take it all back. I want to pretend none of this is going on because it was so much easier then. Since I've been talking about it I feel so much worse, I feel claustrophobic, I feel out of control and my moods are so much worse. I have things I need to do but can not bring myself to do them..... I HATE BEING ME RIGHT HOW.

Feelings, relationship and Trust pt 1

I don't like to use the Love word. I think it gets used to much in life when people don't really mean it or people don't really understand what it means, not to it's fullest.

I have never been in Love, I have never had (other than family) a loving relationship where the person I am with loves me back, I have never been touched by a man (other than kissing). The thought of being with someone so completely like that does scare me. Not sex itself, but being so close, to allow someone to get so close to you that they know you at your core. That scares me.

I've talked about this in my other blog, but a lot of the problem is not Love itself but Trust. I have trust issues and I don't trust easily.

What I really want to talk about though is that I need to get away from S, although we share a flat together, as much as possible I have to not see him, not talk to him, not smell him, not hear him. If I can get far enough away from him perhaps I can forget my feelings for him. Although he is the only guy I have ever thought about having sex with.

I like S so much, but he has never shown any interest in me in a romantic kind of way. This Christmas I bought him a gift, I did for him birthday and last Christmas, he's always got me something for Christmas and for my birthday. But this year, for what ever reason he didn't get me anything. I know Christmas is not about gifts but I thought out of everyone I know he would be the one person who would get me something, he's the only one that matters. It sounds so shallow of me, and so petty but it really hurts that he got me nothing, not even a card. My other flat mate didn't get me anything, but then he never had, but I thought S and I were different. It's just not doing me any favours having these feelings for him. It needs to stop.

If you know a pill that could make these feelings go away, please let me know. I hate them. I don't want them any more, I really don't.

I'm at a loss

I feel so alone in the world. Granted it's my fault, I'm the one who's fucked, I'm the one who's afraid of getting too close to people, who keeps backing away but equally people let me. I've mentioned this before but I am afraid of change, I'm afraid of new situations. It so my own fault I've become a loaner because my fear of new situation is cippling me. I love going to the cinema with people I already know, but when I get invited to parties etc. I back away instantly. Especially if I think alchohol is involved. I hate drunk people, and I hate being around alchohol, but that's a whole other story.

I'm in a job, I am failing at, and really am not enjoying, but can't find anyother work I want except voluntary work, which is tres annoying. I'm lonely. I'm miserably and I feel as though I'm about to explode. As most depressives would proberbly tell you it's the night times that are the worst. That's when I become really anti-me. I want to cry, but I'm to numb to. I want to scream, but nothing comes out. It's almost as if I'm feeling every negative emosion under the sun but I can't do anything about it. I'm just at a loss of what I should do. I have no safe place to let these feelings go, instead I'm doing the worse thing I can. I'm hiding them all from those around me and carring them around with me, every single day.

I'm at a loss.