Well fuckadoodledo

In March 2011, due to lack of funding, I lost my job. My mother, fortunately, allowed me to move back home with her. In August of the same year, I managed to get myself a part time job, in a college for adult SLD students. It was an amazing job and I loved it. As time went on I realised that one of the directors took a dislike to me (other colleagues pointed this out as well) and as time went on the job became tricky as everything I did was wrong in her eyes, and I was brought up to her office over the smallest of things. My colleagues rallied around me to support me and I appreciated that.

Went the two current managers started my place of work just got worse. I was intimidated and humiliated in front of other staff members. Again there were colleagues that support me during this. 

In May of last year I attempted to take my own life and failed. Someone I classed as a friend (Z) cornered me at work. She said she could tell that something was wrong. I broke down and told her about my attempt. Nothing more was said. A month or so later I hurt myself. Again she cornered me and I told her what I had done. Jump forward 6 months (give or take) and she watched me talk to another friend (L) about a problem I was have. L was a better person to talk to about the sort of problem I was having. Z, I assume, got jealous about this and went to the management team and told them that over the past 6 months I had attempted suicide no less that 5 times and that I had been hurting myself nearly every week since.

This was not the case, but management hauled me upstairs. They made me feel like a criminal, they spoke to me with distain and disgust and were condensing. once of them even saying 'I don't think you know how to be happy and I pity you for it'. The next day I was suspended for two weeks. Once I returned to work I was forced to work in an office by myself with no contact with staff or students as just get one with some work for the full 8 hours I was there. Even during the lunch break I was not allowed contact with staff or student!

Shortly after that I went of sick as the doctors said I was unfit for work.

Thus the Bipolar II diagnosis was given and treatment started. 

Spot on three months having gone off sick I was called into work to a mandatory meeting about returning to work. I wasn't near read for this. But we chatted. Two days latter I received a letter that said they were considering terminating my contract. Which caused me a lot of stress and really did not help my recovery. Every couple of weeks or so I was called in to discuss my future at that place of work. I asked them to get a report of my pdoc to say that I was able to return to work, and explain that I was doing well with my recovery.. so on and so forth. The look on their faces were priceless. So I went away feeling quite pleased with myself because I was, for the first time ever, fighting back.

During this time I very close friend (D) talked me into applying for a number of jobs including a job where she works. She could see I was ready to return to work, but also knew that the thought of going back to my current place of work was completely stressing me out and making me anxious. So I applied for five jobs and got five job offers. This week I took the job with D as she knows me and my full history and where she works have some others with Bipolar so they already have things in place.

Today I got to go to my current place of work and hand in my resignation. 

I honest thought I would be on cloud nine, happy as anything now that I am away from one of the most toxic places I have ever worked. That is not the case. I am struggling. I feel dead inside. I made the right choice. I am happy and content with my choice. D and I make an awesome team and I can't wait to start working with her. Yes, I am nervous about starting a new job (and yet another new career) but I am very confident about my choice and do not regret it at all.

So why do I feel so down. I just want to crawl into bed and stay there forever and a day. I want to fall asleep and just stay in the world with Morpheus for as long as possible. I do not want to die, just sleep. I don't want to have to get up and pretend that everything is okay. I should be celebrating my decision and it's outcome. Instead I just feel like ****. Things can only get better from here. I don't want to feel like this!

Everything is awesome!!!!

Everything is awesome

Everything is cool when you're part of a team

Everything is awesome

When we're living our dream

Lego:The Movie

So I got offered a new job today.  This is going to be really good for me.  My current place of work is a poisonous place, back stabbing, destroying self confidence, where you need to watch your back constantly because someone is looking to destroy it.  

I've now been off work for 6 months due to my mental health issues.  They have no been supportive.  They have made me feel like a criminal, like I am pointless and worthless.   Just at the interview for my new job they made me feel as though my Bipolar is not an issue and they are going to put stuff into place for when I get ill.  To ensure that I can always do the best job that I can.  It's brilliant.  

Tomorrow I have to contact my current place of work to make a meeting so I can discuss my leaving date.  I'm going to totally enjoy that meeting and to shove it in their face that I am going on to better things.

I am going into a job that offer proper transferable training, Proper benefits such as sick pay, pension etc.  Really support for learning the job and dealing with the job including if I become ill.

This is an amazing day, can't wait until tomorrow!

And the fight goes on!

So it's been a while and it's not been easy. In some ways I do feel better but I still get frustrated but how my moods change. I still get depressed and I still get manic. It's not as extreme as it was but the changes in mood are still there.

I have been volunteering at the local library to see if I am ready to get back to work. The idea being that working in a job that does not have any pressure is a good way of seeing if I can cope with being back at work. When I work at the library I have to put on that positive, life is amazing face. It exhausts me. So I am not socialising much. I have barely talked to anyone outside of work or my family. I have cut everybody off. I know that I am not ready to go back to work but financial I have to go back over the next month. Money is getting really tough. I have cut down on everything but I still don't make ends meet  completely. SSP sucks. My next job will have proper benefits and training. If I have an episode like this again I have to know that I won't have the stress of mony on top of everything else. I also know when I finally go back to work (if they don't dismiss me) I have to face all the rumors that have been floating around and all the lies my 'friend' has been telling people. I know what she has said because I have had people texting me to find out what is going on and if what she says is true. I have not replied since it's non of their buisness. However, apart from those texts only 1 person has text me and met up with me, and 1 other who has sent 1 text to say they missed me but didn't ask about the rumors being spread. This leads me to believe that this person does care but I am weary of everyone in that place baring the 1 person who has been meeting me.   Work is going to be awful. I am looking for other work but it's hard in education right now as it's mid scholastic year. June/July is when jobs appear.

I don't see things getting better anytime soon. I just want to pack a bag and just leave. Everything just sucks.

I did a rotton thing the other week. I was feeling really horny and I allowed someone, who I know has a thing for me, believe we were going to try out relationship again. We ended up sexting. I felt awful afterwoods because I know that I would never go for a relationship with him. I didn't first time round and certainly not now. I was veing unfair and did tell him that.

I know I can't help having bipolar, it's as part of me as my grey streak is. But I hate it. I hate how it rules my life. The time to have the medication, having to watch my moods, being cautious all the time about what I say and what I do and most of all the way I have been betrayed my supposed 'friends' over all this. It has cost me much and it doesn't give anything on return. There is no pay off. At least with my dyslexia I have to think outside the box and come up with creative solution to issues and have been told my lessons are imaginative and fun and the students learn a lot from them. But with bipolar there is nothing positive about it. It screws with every part of my life. I can only try and enjoy the 'calm' moments I my life, which are few and far between.  I wish I didn't have this awful disorder but I do.

Ruby

"No antibiotic can save us now

We are the virus that we talk about

It's like a bullet in the head

It's an S.O.S"

S.O.S - Take That

So it's been a while and I have to say that the place I am now is now where I had hoped I would be.  A few months back I moved into a small flat on my own. I love being on my own more than anything else in the world I love it.  I love the freedom, I love the isolation of it.  However, the problem I am coming across is that my health is not good at the moment.

Apart from the joys of depression which I must battle with each and every day of my life I am now suffering from something that is causing Chronic Fatigue.  It started before I moved into my own place, must be about two years ago.  I started to need more than my four hours sleep.  It crept up on me slowly but surely until about I year ago I noticed that unless I have eight hours sleep a night I was really tired.  I remember commenting on it at work and how I couldn't understand how people functioned on having to loose so much time to sleep. How did anyone get anything done? This made my colleagues laugh and that was that.  However, that eight hours turned into ten, into twelve, into fourteen until its now at a point where I set an alarm so I don't sleep more than ten hours.  As tired as I am all the time I still have things to do and spending over half the day asleep does not help matters.  I went to the doctor about this and he was baffled so has sent me to many specialist, and now waiting to see a Chronic Fatigue specialist.  The words ME/CFS are being banded about. I have researched what these are and I'm not really excited about this diagnosis but if it's what I've got, I will have to deal with it.... I suppose.

Work is driving me crazy nuts.  As a teacher, I want the best for my students and want them to flourish, but regardless what I do, what I put into place, the powers that be just destroy everything. It makes me wonder what the point is to plan and prepare anything if they are going to screw everything up anyway.  I am currently looking for new work, especially if I have ME/CFS as there is no flexability in my work hours and we don't get normal school holidays.  It means that I have LONG stresful terams and it's not doing me any favours.  I have learnt that it doesn't matter what it right for my students as long as the director gets her own way regardless how right or wrong that is.  I can't leave as they have me over a barrel, I have no teaching quals, they can't afford to send me on my teaching quals so as a result I can't get another teaching job. I can't even get a job on the same salary I am now, and I need this salary so I can continue to live on my own.  So I'm screwed, so now I refuse to get upset at work, refuse to fight any more. I will just bow down to the powers and let them destroy my class and blame me for doing it.  After all what's the point in caring.

I am also cutting again, and it feels great.  This time this blog is the only place I will admit this is what I am doing.  I have realised that there is no one in my life I can trust this too. They want me to stop or they freak out and start smothering me or trying to force me to stop or want to check on me every single day and I don't want that.  I just want to cut and enjoy it and all that it brings.  I honestly don't care where it ends up.  I have missed my friend and embarrass his return with joy.  I savour each moment and each feeling it offers me. 

Help me find the Vulcan me.

"I'll keep you my dirty little secret

Dirty Little Secret

Don't tell anyone or 

you'll be just another regret

Just another regret

Hope that you can keep it

My dirty little secret

Who has to know?"

Dirty Little Secret: The All American Rejects

Long term readers of my blog (either this one or blog-city) will know that emotions are a complete mystery to me and it's only in the past few years that I have taken that step to discover what they are and how they inpact my life.

I thought I was beginning to make sense of them and then G came into my life.  He's a new member of staff and I must admit, here in the safety of the anonymous blog, that he is cute and if I could I'd go for him.  However he is married with two children so he is off limits.  I'm fine with this. I really am.  Until he starts flirting with me.  Touching me in little ways, teasing me, staring at me.

The other day we were playing in the snow with our students and he rugby tackled me into the snow and sat on me stopping me from moving, he then covered me in snow.  We stared at each other and I sware to God if it wasn't for the fact we were at work, for the fact he's married we would have kissed.

I have to be careful.  Emotions are a mystery and something I'm not so great at controlling any more.  I have lost my vulcan-ness.  Something I miss grately.  I'm not sure life with emotions is all that it's cracked up to me.  I really want to go back to vulcan-ness then G would not be an issue.

It's all made worse by the fact I'm sorta seeing someone at the moment J.  I don't have the feelings for him that I have for G. It's driving me crazy.  J is everything I thought I wanted in a partner.  We are so alike it's lovely, I can completely geek out with him, it's awesome.  But I feel no romantic attachment to him.  G on the other hand he makes me laugh, when he touches me my skin feels as though it's on fire. Just thinking about him now just makes me shiver.

I want to be a vulcan where things like this don't matter.  I won't act upon my emotions, I won't brake up a family that's not me.  I don't ever want that to be me.  I want to be vulcan. I don't want to feel like this.  I had my issues when I was a vulcan but at least emotions were not too big an issue.  If I could be stable as I am not but with the emotional cut off that I had, I'd be content.

I'm beginning to crack.  Something I hate doing in front of people more than anything else in the world, is to cry.  To cry in front of someone is showing weakness, vulnerability and it's just plain wrong.  The other day at work I don't know what happened but I was sitting in a meeting and this wave of darkness hit me and permeated within every cell of my being, digging and sinking toward my soul.   After the meeting I went to my classroom it was empty.  I focused on packing up for the night.  My boss came in and asked if I was all right.  It started before I could stop it I started crying.  She hugged me and it just got harder.  So I pushed her away and told her not too.  I told her some bullshit about how I felt I was failing in my job, I was overwhelmed with the paper work and she fell for it hook line and sinker.  How can I tell someone who just weeks earlier I was telling that I am more stable now than I have ever been that I'm cracking.

To be fair I have told her but I'm not sure she believes me.  I wrote her a letter.  I couldn't tell her in words how I was feeling but I could write it.  When I handed her the letter there were rules.  No talking about it.  No acknowledgement of the letter.  No feedback.  Nothing.  She went and sent me a video in response.  But she read the letter so she should have some idea of how I am feeling and yet I stood in my classroom and she believed what I was telling her.

The whole time I was talking I had the song "I'm not okay, I'm not O-fucking-kay"  I just wish someone could see the cracks that are appearing.  The high I've been on, which I always suspected, was temporary and fake.  I was in hiding.  This time though I haven't got support.  I don't have the Vulcan-ness to protect me and I can't cut as my mother would notice.  I can't get high.  My mother would notice.  So what the hell do I do.

Oh sweet Vulcan. Come back. I'm so sorry I got rid of you. Please come back. Be part of me again. Save me. Keep me safe. Let me not listen to others. I want to back so much. Protect me again.

Bubble expansion

We never thought we'd find a place where we belong.
Don't have to stand alone, we'll never let you fall.
Don't need permission to decide what you believe.

I said jump, down on Jump Street.
I said jump, down on Jump Street.

Your friends will be there when your back is to the wall.
You'll find you'll need us cause there's no one else to call.
When it was hopeless a decision is what you need.

You'd better be ready to, be ready to jump.
21 Jump Street.
Theme from 21 Jump Street

So I'm still waiting for the bubble to pop, but I have had some amazing news today... news which I can only share on here because I can not share with anyone in RL.  I am being made temporary tutor at college as our current on just got fired and they needed someone else to step in.  I'm getting tutor pay, and currently trying to convince them that I will do a good job and they should help me get my quals. So bubble hasn't pop yet but when it does I wonder if I can cope.  I hope so.

Bubbles

Round like a circle in a spiral, like a wheel within a wheel
Never ending or beginning on an ever spinning reel
Like a snowball down a mountain, or a carnival balloon
Like a carousel that's turning running rings around the moon

Windmills of your mind: Johnny Mathis

I'm in this weird little bubble at the moment.  Things are going well for me at the moment, and providing I don't well and truly fuck it up,  I think there is a possibility of a promotion in my career which would be amazing.  Things are going well for me, but I am just waiting for the bubble to pop.  Not because I want it too pop but because it always pops, that's the story of my life.  I am trying to enjoy things whilst I can, but when that pop happens, I'm terrified. 

I can admit here, because this is a safe space for me, that I honestly didn't think I would see out this year.  I had been on Anti-depressants for so long, and as my long term readers know, I hate being on those things and the thought that I can only live my life by being on them was not something I could entertain.  I hate  being on Asthma medication which will be a life long thing, but the thought of being on Anti-depressants was killing me.  Especially since I am the worst medication taker ever!  The better I feel the less regularly I take the stuff, inhalers included.  Which means I tend to mess up my system badly but improper taking of regular medication.  However, at the moment I am completely off the meds, which is fantastic.  If I had to be on meds for the rest of my life just to live it, and please keep in mind at this point that when I'm on meds, the reason they work is because I don't feel anything, they make me tired so I sleep at night, they allow me to relax to the point I just don't care about anything, nothing matters to me... well not  that nothing matters to me, but nothing fazes me.... it's hard to explain.  Sometimes I wish I my dyslexia allowed me a better handle of the English Language so that I can find the words I need to write things, like my blog.  As I said in my previous post, I am fighting something, but I have no idea what though.... I honestly don't think it's depression... but there is something, bubbling underneath, waiting, waiting for something to allow it out and start to take over.  The strange thing is that although I am fighting it, I'm not totally convinced I want to fight it.

Most of the time I don't know what I want, out of my career, out of my money, out of my life, out of my friends, out of my family.  I despised being touched but at the same time, I want someone to hold me, to hug me and tell me that they love me, totally and utterly love me..... and yet I don't want to be in love.  I want to have sex, know what it's like to have someone inside me so intimately and yet the thought of allowing someone that close to me physically, emotionally and mentally disgusts me.... I am a walking contradiction and I just wish I knew what to do about it.  I've joined dating websites, but the thought of meeting those I talk to and enjoy spending time with online, scares me to death.  I love my job, I love my students, I even love most of my co-workers but I the thought of getting out of bed and going to work for the rest of my life (however, long that may be).

I wish I could make a decision in my life and not feel like a hypocrite or that I'm doing it to make some sort of statement.  I wish I could tell if the decisions I make in my life are my decisions or something imposed upon me by family or society.

The long and short of it is that whilst I'm in this bubble where I feel fairly content and happy, more so that most other times in my life, I'm going to be in the moment.  When that bubble pops, I don't know what I'll do I honestly don't.  I don't know.... I just don't know.....

The unexplainable that is my life

What a few months I have had.

Started a few months ago, when due to a bad judgement on my part, I honestly thought I would loose my job.  There is a bit of a thing at work where 'if your face don't fit your contract is not renewed'.  So when this misjudgement happened, I thought I'd be told that my contract would not be renewed.  However, I was most surprised to discover that I was doing to have a letter of disciplinary on my record for the next two years.  Which I have to say that all things considered, I can live with that.  What really scared me about the whole situation was the fact, that I planned to kill myself should I have lost my job.  I wrote a will and I picked out a place, got all my affairs in order, the works.  The only thing that stopped me killing myself the night I discovered that I was under disciplinary review was the fact I was the main role in a play and I could not leave everyone in the lurch.  So the plan was on the final night, after the final show.  I would say fair well to everyone, and go off to my location and that would be that.

We also had at work, this week, our PDRs (Personal Development Review).  I hate these things at the best of time as I always score myself low, this year was no different.  I actually got told off in my meeting about this as I really underestimated myself this time.  The tutor I work with scored me sevens and eights, whilst I scored myself 3s and 4s.  I got told that I'm doing a damn fine job and I need to believe in myself and be stronger in what I am doing.  Easier said than done but still it was an interesting meeting.  I actually lost sleep over it for no reason really but there you go.  That's me all over isn't it.

I have also been told at work that I can go near enough full time.  From five half days to 3 full days and 2 half days, which means I get to keep the two morning a week job I have.  I am also changing classrooms, due to the fact 'I could teach other staff lessons about how to sit down and just get on with the work we have to do'.  However there is a rumour that those who are changing classrooms are on their last chance, and if it doesn't work in the new class room then that's it.  Job gone.  I don't think that applies to me due to the PDR I got but you never know.

The not so great thing is that my business I have started up is going nowhere fast.  Not one single customer.  I'm heartbroken.  I thought that by now I would have a slow but steady stream of clients, especially since when I was practising and looking for guinea pigs volunteers I got them in abundance.  Now I can find no one.  Frustrating as all hell.  But never mind, no doubt the business will start off at some point.  Even if it is not going as quick as I had hopped.

Update with new toy

I know I have been quiet for a while butI am hoping to start blogging more regukarly as I have to say I have missed blogging and the community like BlackPhil and The Capt. I know that there are some whom have disappeared from the communuty but as I community moves on another one appears. So I will start exlporing and start interacting again and no longer will I be silent or invisable. I have done both and I am not sure I like it.

My job is going really well. I still have not got full time hours but the money I am getting is enough to keep me going and pay off my debts. The job entaiks working with young adults with sever learning difficulties (SLD). They are lovely young peole who are a joy to work with and it helps you to see the world through a whole new light. I am learning so many new skills and attibutes. I appreciate fully the staff I work with, they are an amazing group of peole with a wide range of skills who bring to the job an amazing number of skills, tools and attributs that I love gleaming from them. I enjoy the debates we have, and that we don't need to see eye to eye to do a good job, we can discuss ideas and together come up with an action plan that is followed. As with anywhere there are people who annoy me because there practice is very different to mine, however they are lovely people and I have to say there is no one at work I really dislike, or frustrate me to the point that I feel as though I want to scream at them. What is totally amazing though, as I had given up on finding this, there are people at work that I can talk to about how I am feeling and my depression and negative views of myself. One of them is actually my boss, the head teacher. It's so nice to be able to be able to be open with people with out the fear of being pursecuted or ridiculed or make to feel like a freak. My boss said the other day that I was a freak but she loves the fact I own it and do it all my own way and too hell what others think. There should be more people like me in the world. Willing to be themselves and not a facarde or what people try and force you into being. To which I replied that there should be more people like her in the world beczuse it would make it more comfortable and safer plave for me and those like me. It was an amazing conversatiion and I would like mor of thise thank you very much. There has been one rdundance and one person whose contract has not
Been renewed due to funding problems but I am hoping that this is notna sign of what is too come!

I have been setting up a therapy business. At the moment I offer hypnotherapy but as my qualifications grow there more I can offer. Psychotheraputic counselling and psychotherapy. It's a scary idea, the thought of having my own business. Not that it will ever be my primary job, I enjoy my other job too much. As part of my business I now have a tablet, samsung galaxy 10.1 and I have to say that it's really good, and perfect for putting mynscreeds in it and reading them off. Amazing. The graphic are rally good. Its al,ost like having a mini laptop, but without the bulkiness. I have also been doing a kot with the amatre dramatics. I have really learnt a lot about the sound side of things, how to use a mixing desk and how to deal with problems when they arise. I have even directed my first ever show. Although only thirty minutes long, it was a raging sucess and I hope to do a full length play next season. Next season I will only do a couple of shows as I have to concentrate on my course and the drama taje up an awful lot of my time.

Doctor

So doctor, doctor won't you please prescribe me something?

A day in the life of someone else

'Cause I'm a hazard to myself

Don't le me get me

I'm my own worst enemy

It's bad when you annoy yourself

So irritating

Don't wanna be my friend no more

I wanna be somebody else.

Pink: Don't let me get me!

I have had some fun today.  I went to the doctors today to see if I can get a diagnosis of hyperactivity, ADD or ADHD as I can't take prayer for much more at work.  So I explained to the doctor what was being asked of me which is basically a letter  or a diagnosis of what's wrong with me so I don't need to sit in silence for such a long period of time.

When I explained to the doctor what was being asked of me, the doctor, tried and failed, not to laugh.  He thought it was insane that I needed a letter to be able to pray with some music in the background.  So he is going to talk to the psychiatrist to get his opinion and will be talking to my boss on Monday, and call me to let me know what is going on.  He thinks it's ridiculous that I am not being excepted for who I am within a Catholic community!!! He could not stop himself from sniggering.

I felt like a lemon for asking, but I also feel the same way.  It's insane that I need a piece of paper to say that I'm allowed to work and pray in a way that is conducive for myself and doesn't not do me harm.  What century are we in!!!

Creaper

"I may seem crazy
Or painfully shy
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden
If you would just look me in the eye
I feel alone here and cold here
Though I don't want to die
But the only anaesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside."

Cut: Plumb

As part of my new job I must sit though half hour to an hour of silent prayer.  Anyone who has known me since my birth knows that trying to sit still for that long is not good for me.  I brought this up with my boss' and they were unsympathetic.  I told them that I boarder on having hyperactivity/ADHD/ADD, as a result I don't sit still for long and I can't concentrate on one thing at a time.  I have to be doing a number of things at once, so I wondered if it was possible for me to take in some music during this time to help me out with this and allow me to pray in a way that I know works for me.  I was rejected.  So I told them there would be a price to pay and as long as their willing to deal with that so be it.

Well the price has come.  I am once again dealing with Insomnia, which isn't too bad really, I'm getting a lot more writing done which is nice.  The bad part though is that my depression is trying to worm itself back into my life.  I have found myself drinking more, and taking my pain medication (even though I don't need it) with a bit of alcohol just so I can get a bit of a buzz.  I'm not getting high, not really, just enough so I can make it through the night.  I haven't started cutting though which is nice.  I find more and more though that I struggle to be happy and nice to people.  Most days I would be quite happy to kill most people I'm around, which is never good when you live and work within community.  I have also found that the only way I can be 'calm' during silent prayer is to start banging my head against the wall.  I didn't realise I was doing it to begin with but now I find it most comforting.  I know it's not a good sign though.

I also find myself pulling away from people, and spending more and more time on my own.  I don't want to be around people.  I recognise the road I am on but really not sure what I need to do to stop this.  I tried talking to someone about what's going on in my head, but she freaked out and found it hard to deal with so I'm not going to be talking to her again.  Not like the way she thinks I will be.

I know the road I'm on, how do I get off thought?

Proud

I look into the window of my mind
Reflections of the fears I know I've left behind
I step out of the ordinary, I can feel my soul ascending
I am on my way, can't stop me now and you can do the same

What have you done today to make you feel proud?
It's never too late to try
What have you done today to make you feel proud?
You could be so many people if you make that break for freedom
What have you done today to make you feel proud?

Still so many answers I don't know
Realize that to question is how we grow
So I step out of the ordinary, I can feel my soul ascending
I am on my way, can't stop me now and you can do the same

What have you done today to make you feel proud?
It's never too late to try
What have you done today to make you feel proud?
You could be so many people if you make that break for freedom
What have you done today to make you feel proud?

We need a change, do it today
I can feel my spirit rising
We need a change, so do it today
'Cause I can see a clear horizon

What have you done today to make you feel proud?
So what have you done today to make you feel proud?
'Cause you could be so many people if you make that break for freedom
So what have you done today to make you feel proud?

What have you done today to make you feel proud?
What have you done today?
You could be so many people just make that break for freedom
So what have you done today to make you feel proud?

I am so unbelievably proud of myself at the moment.  We had our first retreat this week, 98 seventeen year olds.  It was a brilliant two days, except for the two other staff members who, out of kindness ended up pissing me off and making me angry, because they would not allow me to lead the retreat.  By the end of the retreat I really did dislike them.  However the day after the retreat we sat down and talked about it all.  I explained my feelings and how they made me feel, but also that I know that they didn't mean anything malicious by it. They listened to what I had to say, and apologised as that was not what they meant to happen.  We talked open and honestly about our feelings from each of our view points.  It was very refreshing.  I am so proud that I actually spoke up about my feelings and actually did something about it, rather than getting depressed about it.

What have you done today to be proud?

Karaoke

There is this little bikers place down the road, that runs as a cafe during the day but an 25 and overs pub during the night.  It looks seedy and I've always been warned off it.  However when I saw a sign that said that there would be karaoke on Friday night, I put a notice up for the community and we went down there.  We were a little hesitant  on walking in, but I took the lead and just went for it.  To say that we out numbered the locals is no word of a lie. 

We all got ourselves drink, technically only two of us should have been able to buy drinks there, but instead we all manage to buy drinks... which I thought was funny.  Then the Karaoke DJ put some background noise on whilst he got set up, us being us, we got up to dance.  The locals just watched us not sure what to make of it.  When he put a song on we didn't like and sat down, he would change it and we'd get up and dance again.

We did do some singing, one girl in our group who is extremely shy shocked us all by doing a song by herself and rocking out.  She was amazing.  Never, ever judge a book by it's cover... I don't tend to but she just blew me away, I never thought she would be that amazing.  I also for the first time in a LONG time got up and sang a few songs.

It was really nice to get out of work and let off some steam, have a few drinks and just let my hair down.  I danced, I sang, I had a really enjoyable night.  When everyone started going home at 11.30pm I was quite disappointed as I could have carried on going, singing and dancing and certainly drinking.

Towards the end of the night, the DJ put on songs like Macarana, Saturday night and YMCA and our lot danced and even some of the locals joined in.  I could have just stayed in that moment for a long while, it felt good to be normal for a change.

Although I do love my new job, and I don't even mind that I've got a smaller room and the fact that most of my stuff is in my mother's loft, I get so tired because I feel like I have to put on a mask.  I have to tone down who I am and how active I am.  I can't stay up late at night which is what I want to do naturally as we have 8am prayer.  On top of that I sit through prayer in the afternoon (which is too bad per say) but the half hour of personal prayer in the chapel altogether is killing me.  I could quite happily strangle someone when I come out of it.

On the whole though it's going well, I do wish my family where a little more behind me in my decision, but I suppose it's just not meant to be.  I'm meant to be arranging for a time for my mother to come and stay one weekend to see what we do here, and have a proper look around, although I'm worried that if she did, she'll be even more against the idea of me staying here.

Oops I'm doing it again

I had a review yesterday of my performance in my two weeks in my new job.  It wasn't good.  They don't like the fact I know my limitations and will voice something I know, from experience I can't do.  However they want me to ignore all of this and attempt to see through my limitations and go a head and do these things anyway.  It's crazy.  It's not like they've even asked me, they just demand it.

They pointed out that in my interview I said that I would never ask someone to do something I wasn't prepared to do myself... which is true, but the flip side of that is the fact that you have to understand people's limitations and adapt around those limitations.  You can not ask someone to flourish in a place where they concentrate only on limitations! Can you?

Until this point I was more than happy, I felt I was doing okay, knew I was struggling in some areas but didn't know that they were so unhappy with me.  I have been struggling with their prayer.  They have turned very, very, very traditional!!! Unbelievably so.... to the point I have to more or less sit in silence for the best part of an hour..... it's so hard!!!  I don't get a lot out of it, even their praise and worship is slow and quiet which is no so nice.

So once again I feel as though I have made the wrong decision and am fucking up my life again!!! When will I find somewhere that works, that is right.  I want to find somewhere that will except me as me and not as they expect people to be or their idea of what someone should be.

It's been so long since I've felt like I have a home, where I can be me completely and utterly, where I can feel so comfortable that I don't need my walls or my barriers any more.  I can feel them going up again, I can feel me pulling away from people.  I can feel myself not wanting to be part of the world again.  After fighting so hard to try and be part of it, I know want to run away again.

I'm tired of having to suppress so much of me to fit in, for people to except me, just so I can be a stereotype.  Am I wrong to want to be myself? Am I wrong to want to be comfortable with people around me? Why am I always in the wrong?