Help me find the Vulcan me.

"I'll keep you my dirty little secret

Dirty Little Secret

Don't tell anyone or 

you'll be just another regret

Just another regret

Hope that you can keep it

My dirty little secret

Who has to know?"

Dirty Little Secret: The All American Rejects

Long term readers of my blog (either this one or blog-city) will know that emotions are a complete mystery to me and it's only in the past few years that I have taken that step to discover what they are and how they inpact my life.

I thought I was beginning to make sense of them and then G came into my life.  He's a new member of staff and I must admit, here in the safety of the anonymous blog, that he is cute and if I could I'd go for him.  However he is married with two children so he is off limits.  I'm fine with this. I really am.  Until he starts flirting with me.  Touching me in little ways, teasing me, staring at me.

The other day we were playing in the snow with our students and he rugby tackled me into the snow and sat on me stopping me from moving, he then covered me in snow.  We stared at each other and I sware to God if it wasn't for the fact we were at work, for the fact he's married we would have kissed.

I have to be careful.  Emotions are a mystery and something I'm not so great at controlling any more.  I have lost my vulcan-ness.  Something I miss grately.  I'm not sure life with emotions is all that it's cracked up to me.  I really want to go back to vulcan-ness then G would not be an issue.

It's all made worse by the fact I'm sorta seeing someone at the moment J.  I don't have the feelings for him that I have for G. It's driving me crazy.  J is everything I thought I wanted in a partner.  We are so alike it's lovely, I can completely geek out with him, it's awesome.  But I feel no romantic attachment to him.  G on the other hand he makes me laugh, when he touches me my skin feels as though it's on fire. Just thinking about him now just makes me shiver.

I want to be a vulcan where things like this don't matter.  I won't act upon my emotions, I won't brake up a family that's not me.  I don't ever want that to be me.  I want to be vulcan. I don't want to feel like this.  I had my issues when I was a vulcan but at least emotions were not too big an issue.  If I could be stable as I am not but with the emotional cut off that I had, I'd be content.

I'm beginning to crack.  Something I hate doing in front of people more than anything else in the world, is to cry.  To cry in front of someone is showing weakness, vulnerability and it's just plain wrong.  The other day at work I don't know what happened but I was sitting in a meeting and this wave of darkness hit me and permeated within every cell of my being, digging and sinking toward my soul.   After the meeting I went to my classroom it was empty.  I focused on packing up for the night.  My boss came in and asked if I was all right.  It started before I could stop it I started crying.  She hugged me and it just got harder.  So I pushed her away and told her not too.  I told her some bullshit about how I felt I was failing in my job, I was overwhelmed with the paper work and she fell for it hook line and sinker.  How can I tell someone who just weeks earlier I was telling that I am more stable now than I have ever been that I'm cracking.

To be fair I have told her but I'm not sure she believes me.  I wrote her a letter.  I couldn't tell her in words how I was feeling but I could write it.  When I handed her the letter there were rules.  No talking about it.  No acknowledgement of the letter.  No feedback.  Nothing.  She went and sent me a video in response.  But she read the letter so she should have some idea of how I am feeling and yet I stood in my classroom and she believed what I was telling her.

The whole time I was talking I had the song "I'm not okay, I'm not O-fucking-kay"  I just wish someone could see the cracks that are appearing.  The high I've been on, which I always suspected, was temporary and fake.  I was in hiding.  This time though I haven't got support.  I don't have the Vulcan-ness to protect me and I can't cut as my mother would notice.  I can't get high.  My mother would notice.  So what the hell do I do.

Oh sweet Vulcan. Come back. I'm so sorry I got rid of you. Please come back. Be part of me again. Save me. Keep me safe. Let me not listen to others. I want to back so much. Protect me again.