Bulletproof?

"So get me out of my head,

Cause it's getting kind of cramped you know

Coming ready or not

When the motor gets hot

We can do it again.

The papers say:

Johnny won't you come back home

Cause everybody knows you don't

Want to give yourself up

Then tell the truth and God will save you"

Bulletproof Heart by My Chemical Romance

So the other week at work, I had my termly review.  This consists of me rating myself against some national standards, my boss (P) doing the same thing and the vice principle (VP) and then we sit in a meeting and discuss everything.

Now last time I did this I got told off because I gave myself very low marks, so when I asked if I could train to be a tutor I was told that I needed to work on myself before that could happen.  Now since then the tutor in my room got fired, and I was asked if I would take his place.  I did.  So this time round the review is different.  No longer as a teaching assistant but as a tutor.

The meeting went very well, I gave myself some good marks, P gave me good marks, VP couldn't make the meeting.  We talked about my depression and how it effected me, we talked about the job and how I was coping with it (especially as I've hit the ground running and have no real clue what I am doing, especially since I have no quals or experience in teaching.  Youth work is very different).  I came away quite positive, and P was very complimentary on how I've been coping, and even my little melt downs are okay because I'm honest about them, I freak out because I'm not sure what I am doing is correct and I need people's support.  P likes the fact I ask for support when I need it, and sometime ask for help over the tiniest little thing because I've got myself confused or lost.  She likes the fact I'm honest about where I am.

P likes the fact that when I scored myself, on the whole she agreed with me.  She even marked me up on somethings, and only marked me down on one thing.  Mainly because I confused myself with what it was asking.  There were some I didn't understand at all and just gave up on, and she was fine with that as the jargon they use is jargon I am not use to and therefore rightly confused by it.  She said she was proud at how far I had come since my last review/supervision.

The thing is I think I lied.  Things are going so well at the moment, and God knows I am trying to enjoy it and trying to take one day a time (hey I even might be dating someone, first date went well, just waiting until after new year to make a second date).   I want to enjoy it, I want to accept it for what it is, I want to find happiness from it all, I want to really feel what people perceive me as being.  The problem is I'm waiting for the other shoe to fall.  I'm waiting for the crash, it's got to come soon.  It always does and I really don't want it.  I don't want to go back to that place but I know it's coming and that nothing I do can or will stop it.  When I fall this time, do I have the strength to stand up again, will I fall as deep as last time.  I know one thing for certain I need to find a support network or I really am screwed.  P thinks that I tell her how I'm feeling, she thinks she can read me and knows what I'm thinking and how I am doing.  It's a lie.  I know it is.  The mask is so automatic it's taken me the Christmas break to recognise it's there.  It was only when I was doing some automatic* writing that the truth comes out.  I've tried to convince myself that what I wrote was crap, it was just the old insecurities coming forth and muddying the waters.  I wonder if it is though.  Through out my life I go in cycles, I do well, I am up and then I come crashing down.  When I'm down I'm really down.  I know I need to get the support network or else I'm in BIG trouble when I crash.  It's not like my mother would ever understand. P can't really help as she keeps personal and business separate so what help is that to me.

I have these dreams, so vivid, so lucid almost memories but I know they are not.  In my dreams I am screaming at the top of my voice "I'm not okay, can you not see that, why can't you see I'm not okay".  People walk past me, until someone gags me, pulls me to the ground.  Others hold me down, all whispering something, with everyone whispering at once I have no idea what people are saying.  I'm trying to get free, people are watching what is happening but move on.  The harder I struggle the tighter people hold on until I'm suffocating.  I usually wake up at this point gasping for breath and a feeling of doom and dream permeating into every cell of my body.  Makes it hard to shift.

I am doing so well at the moment, I don't want to loose it, like really don't want to loose it.  I know I will have to have some rough patches, it's just what life is. But to come crashing down, going down to where I used to be.  I don't have the strength to do that all over again.  It almost killed me last time.  In fact I'm not sure how or why I survived last time.  I had no right to survive. I never did, and still don't understand, why is it I don't have kidney failure or liver failure, why my heart still beats, how I am so well and there are no side effects from all those times I took pills and alcohol mix.  I used to take 8 paracetamol with a BIG bottle of WKD.  The paracetamol alone was enough to kill me, so how the hell did I survive.  I just don't understand.

I shouldn't concentrate so much on these things, I know that.  It quicken the spiral down.  What I need to do is to start creating a support network, I just have no idea how to do that. Anyone who asks me how I'm doing, I say I'm doing great, life couldn't be better, which isn't fair off the truth at the moment.  But it's what comes next that I can't talk to anyone about and it scares me shitless.  Once this year something happened and  I planned how I was going to die and even bought what I needed to carry out the plan.  I choose a location, a time and a date.  I could still do it... at this moment in time I really don't, but what if I go back there again.  What then?  What will stop me?  No one really knows me any more, no one can read my signs.  Only a handful of people ever could and they are not part of my everyday life any more.  I have no one who can help keep tabs on me.

I really think that when I fall this time, I will fall and never get back up.


*For those who don't know automatic writing is when you start writing something like a journal entry and you just write what you're thinking and what you're feeling.  Sometimes if there is a lot to say or you've suppressed something the pen with the aid of your subconscious takes over.  When this happens some home truths come out.  Always put what you write away for a few days before reading over it, or else you'll just dwell.  Read it again and work out what you need to deal with, what to ignore and what's just crap.

mnplah

I don't know weather it's the pain in my arm, or the painkillers & anti-inflammatory mix I'm taking for the pain, but I feel like crap.  I want to just crawl into a corner and just cry and pretend that the world doesn't exist.  Although I can't feel the pain, I know the pain is there because I'm in a really crappy mood, I have no patience, I want to scream at everyone and just stab a knife in them telling them to get the fuck out of my face... and they are the one's who say hello to me.  Can you imagine what it'll be like for those who really piss me off?

I just wish I knew what the hell I was feeling and why!

Medication

I wanted freedom
Bound and restricted
I tried to give you up
But I'm addicted

Time is Running Out: Muse

Many years ago I was but on Tramadol for chronic back pain.  Tramadol is a powerful painkiller with some interesting side effects.  As always side effects can vary from person to person.  For me my appetite was suppressed to the point I actually managed to lost weight (which on my diet is quite impressive).   Which made me feel amazing.  I didn't sleep but I was more productive and actually accomplished a lot more than I currently do or have done ever before. I was in awe of what I managed to do and who I became.  I miss the me on Tramadol.  I had some majorly bad back pain earlier in the week. I  had no painkillers so I went to the doctors and got some of my tramadol again.

My appetite was suppressed, I was actually stoked to try and get some work done and have got a load of work for my new role done.  I felt good, I felt human, I felt amazing.  Would it really be wrong of me to try and get put on tramadol on a full time basis so I can be a better person, so I can be more productive in all that I do, that I can start to fit in my clothes again!  How could it ever be wrong to take something that allows you to be a better version of yourself.

I have taken anti-depressants to help me out when things get really bad for me, that is semi-social acceptable to do, so why can't I take Tramadol on a permanent basis and use that as my anti-depressant.  

Bubble expansion

We never thought we'd find a place where we belong.
Don't have to stand alone, we'll never let you fall.
Don't need permission to decide what you believe.

I said jump, down on Jump Street.
I said jump, down on Jump Street.

Your friends will be there when your back is to the wall.
You'll find you'll need us cause there's no one else to call.
When it was hopeless a decision is what you need.

You'd better be ready to, be ready to jump.
21 Jump Street.
Theme from 21 Jump Street

So I'm still waiting for the bubble to pop, but I have had some amazing news today... news which I can only share on here because I can not share with anyone in RL.  I am being made temporary tutor at college as our current on just got fired and they needed someone else to step in.  I'm getting tutor pay, and currently trying to convince them that I will do a good job and they should help me get my quals. So bubble hasn't pop yet but when it does I wonder if I can cope.  I hope so.

Bubbles

Round like a circle in a spiral, like a wheel within a wheel
Never ending or beginning on an ever spinning reel
Like a snowball down a mountain, or a carnival balloon
Like a carousel that's turning running rings around the moon

Windmills of your mind: Johnny Mathis

I'm in this weird little bubble at the moment.  Things are going well for me at the moment, and providing I don't well and truly fuck it up,  I think there is a possibility of a promotion in my career which would be amazing.  Things are going well for me, but I am just waiting for the bubble to pop.  Not because I want it too pop but because it always pops, that's the story of my life.  I am trying to enjoy things whilst I can, but when that pop happens, I'm terrified. 

I can admit here, because this is a safe space for me, that I honestly didn't think I would see out this year.  I had been on Anti-depressants for so long, and as my long term readers know, I hate being on those things and the thought that I can only live my life by being on them was not something I could entertain.  I hate  being on Asthma medication which will be a life long thing, but the thought of being on Anti-depressants was killing me.  Especially since I am the worst medication taker ever!  The better I feel the less regularly I take the stuff, inhalers included.  Which means I tend to mess up my system badly but improper taking of regular medication.  However, at the moment I am completely off the meds, which is fantastic.  If I had to be on meds for the rest of my life just to live it, and please keep in mind at this point that when I'm on meds, the reason they work is because I don't feel anything, they make me tired so I sleep at night, they allow me to relax to the point I just don't care about anything, nothing matters to me... well not  that nothing matters to me, but nothing fazes me.... it's hard to explain.  Sometimes I wish I my dyslexia allowed me a better handle of the English Language so that I can find the words I need to write things, like my blog.  As I said in my previous post, I am fighting something, but I have no idea what though.... I honestly don't think it's depression... but there is something, bubbling underneath, waiting, waiting for something to allow it out and start to take over.  The strange thing is that although I am fighting it, I'm not totally convinced I want to fight it.

Most of the time I don't know what I want, out of my career, out of my money, out of my life, out of my friends, out of my family.  I despised being touched but at the same time, I want someone to hold me, to hug me and tell me that they love me, totally and utterly love me..... and yet I don't want to be in love.  I want to have sex, know what it's like to have someone inside me so intimately and yet the thought of allowing someone that close to me physically, emotionally and mentally disgusts me.... I am a walking contradiction and I just wish I knew what to do about it.  I've joined dating websites, but the thought of meeting those I talk to and enjoy spending time with online, scares me to death.  I love my job, I love my students, I even love most of my co-workers but I the thought of getting out of bed and going to work for the rest of my life (however, long that may be).

I wish I could make a decision in my life and not feel like a hypocrite or that I'm doing it to make some sort of statement.  I wish I could tell if the decisions I make in my life are my decisions or something imposed upon me by family or society.

The long and short of it is that whilst I'm in this bubble where I feel fairly content and happy, more so that most other times in my life, I'm going to be in the moment.  When that bubble pops, I don't know what I'll do I honestly don't.  I don't know.... I just don't know.....

Secrets, videos and struggles

I think I'm drowning, asphyxiated

I wanna break this spell that you've created

You're something beautiful a contradiction

I wanna play the game I want the friction

You will be the death of me, 

Yeah you will be the death of me,

Bury it, I won't let you bury it

I won't let you smother it

I won't let you murder it

And our time is running out

And our time is running out

You can't push it underground

We can't stop it screaming out

I wanted freedom But I'm restricted

I tried to give you up but I'm adicted

Now that you know I'm trapped,

Sense of elation

You'll never dream of breaking this fixation

You will squeeze the life out of me

You will suck the life out of me.

 Time is running out: Muse

I know it's been a while since I've blogged, and although I have really wanted to blog, I've wanted to write.... I couldn't and to be honest, I'm not sure why.  I compose it all in my head but when it comes to logging on and writing things I can't bring myself to do it.  I will surf the net until the early hours of the morning but when it comes to wanting to write something stops me.  Something blocks me.  I can't figure out what.  Even now I can feel something fighting against me.  I want to write, I am writing, but the distractions are great, and I know they are unreal. Even now it's only with the help of this song that I can push through what ever I've fighting.  I don't like it.

Things are going well on the whole.  I'm now completely of meds and doing okay.  I thought I would freak out and struggle, wanting to go back to the old ways but I don't.  In fact I can't imagine ever wanting to cut or get high.  I find it tough to imagine myself ever being in that position in the past, it's such an alien idea to me that I wonder were it came from.  I was 21 when I first cut.  Just found out about my friends suicide and a few months later I smashed this glass thing I owned (accidental) but I picked up one of the pieces of broken glass and the rest you can say is history.  ten years on and I have no idea where I got the idea of picking up that piece of glass and cutting myself for the first time.  I can tell you that at no point did I have a concious idea of picking up glass and cutting myself, just that I did it.  No thoughts, no feelings, just did it.  It's just peculiar concept.  I could understand it if I had heard about it before but up until I did it I'd never heard of it, never thought about it.  I was years later that I realised that I was not alone in it.

However, an old, old, old compulsion/addiction has raised its head.  This one has been going on since my teenage years.  Technically, I suppose, it's nothing that would be deamed 'self harming' but I think it is with the amount of time I allow it to occupy my thoughts and feelings.  I can't stop it though.  I fantasize about being kidnapped, tied up, drugged, gagged, held hostage, perhaps even brain washed.  It's not that it would or could ever happen but it occupies my thoughts and dreams.  I even go on you tube and download things from TV shows.  I know that this is just horrible, and I must be screwed up in the head for wanting it, but I can't help myself.  I have found numerous websites dedicated to this subject matter and yet it's not enough.  I need to experience it.  I can feel it inside me constantly, some days it's stronger than others.

I am a freak on so many levels.

The unexplainable that is my life

What a few months I have had.

Started a few months ago, when due to a bad judgement on my part, I honestly thought I would loose my job.  There is a bit of a thing at work where 'if your face don't fit your contract is not renewed'.  So when this misjudgement happened, I thought I'd be told that my contract would not be renewed.  However, I was most surprised to discover that I was doing to have a letter of disciplinary on my record for the next two years.  Which I have to say that all things considered, I can live with that.  What really scared me about the whole situation was the fact, that I planned to kill myself should I have lost my job.  I wrote a will and I picked out a place, got all my affairs in order, the works.  The only thing that stopped me killing myself the night I discovered that I was under disciplinary review was the fact I was the main role in a play and I could not leave everyone in the lurch.  So the plan was on the final night, after the final show.  I would say fair well to everyone, and go off to my location and that would be that.

We also had at work, this week, our PDRs (Personal Development Review).  I hate these things at the best of time as I always score myself low, this year was no different.  I actually got told off in my meeting about this as I really underestimated myself this time.  The tutor I work with scored me sevens and eights, whilst I scored myself 3s and 4s.  I got told that I'm doing a damn fine job and I need to believe in myself and be stronger in what I am doing.  Easier said than done but still it was an interesting meeting.  I actually lost sleep over it for no reason really but there you go.  That's me all over isn't it.

I have also been told at work that I can go near enough full time.  From five half days to 3 full days and 2 half days, which means I get to keep the two morning a week job I have.  I am also changing classrooms, due to the fact 'I could teach other staff lessons about how to sit down and just get on with the work we have to do'.  However there is a rumour that those who are changing classrooms are on their last chance, and if it doesn't work in the new class room then that's it.  Job gone.  I don't think that applies to me due to the PDR I got but you never know.

The not so great thing is that my business I have started up is going nowhere fast.  Not one single customer.  I'm heartbroken.  I thought that by now I would have a slow but steady stream of clients, especially since when I was practising and looking for guinea pigs volunteers I got them in abundance.  Now I can find no one.  Frustrating as all hell.  But never mind, no doubt the business will start off at some point.  Even if it is not going as quick as I had hopped.

Update with new toy

I know I have been quiet for a while butI am hoping to start blogging more regukarly as I have to say I have missed blogging and the community like BlackPhil and The Capt. I know that there are some whom have disappeared from the communuty but as I community moves on another one appears. So I will start exlporing and start interacting again and no longer will I be silent or invisable. I have done both and I am not sure I like it.

My job is going really well. I still have not got full time hours but the money I am getting is enough to keep me going and pay off my debts. The job entaiks working with young adults with sever learning difficulties (SLD). They are lovely young peole who are a joy to work with and it helps you to see the world through a whole new light. I am learning so many new skills and attibutes. I appreciate fully the staff I work with, they are an amazing group of peole with a wide range of skills who bring to the job an amazing number of skills, tools and attributs that I love gleaming from them. I enjoy the debates we have, and that we don't need to see eye to eye to do a good job, we can discuss ideas and together come up with an action plan that is followed. As with anywhere there are people who annoy me because there practice is very different to mine, however they are lovely people and I have to say there is no one at work I really dislike, or frustrate me to the point that I feel as though I want to scream at them. What is totally amazing though, as I had given up on finding this, there are people at work that I can talk to about how I am feeling and my depression and negative views of myself. One of them is actually my boss, the head teacher. It's so nice to be able to be able to be open with people with out the fear of being pursecuted or ridiculed or make to feel like a freak. My boss said the other day that I was a freak but she loves the fact I own it and do it all my own way and too hell what others think. There should be more people like me in the world. Willing to be themselves and not a facarde or what people try and force you into being. To which I replied that there should be more people like her in the world beczuse it would make it more comfortable and safer plave for me and those like me. It was an amazing conversatiion and I would like mor of thise thank you very much. There has been one rdundance and one person whose contract has not
Been renewed due to funding problems but I am hoping that this is notna sign of what is too come!

I have been setting up a therapy business. At the moment I offer hypnotherapy but as my qualifications grow there more I can offer. Psychotheraputic counselling and psychotherapy. It's a scary idea, the thought of having my own business. Not that it will ever be my primary job, I enjoy my other job too much. As part of my business I now have a tablet, samsung galaxy 10.1 and I have to say that it's really good, and perfect for putting mynscreeds in it and reading them off. Amazing. The graphic are rally good. Its al,ost like having a mini laptop, but without the bulkiness. I have also been doing a kot with the amatre dramatics. I have really learnt a lot about the sound side of things, how to use a mixing desk and how to deal with problems when they arise. I have even directed my first ever show. Although only thirty minutes long, it was a raging sucess and I hope to do a full length play next season. Next season I will only do a couple of shows as I have to concentrate on my course and the drama taje up an awful lot of my time.