Good bye to the old, hello to the new.

It's no secret that I find life hard, I have my ups and I have my downs. A comment happened today and it really got to me, got to me a lot more than it should have.  My mother was asked about being a grandmother.  My mother said it was unlikely that she would ever be a grandmother.  My sister apparently doesn't want kids, and me well it'll be a miricle if I ever get a guy.  It wasn't said like that but it was insinuated.

I want to be a mother, I look forward to the day I become a mother, but there are probelms with this.  When I do be come a mother I want to be married, I want to marry someone I love and I trust.  The problem I am afraid of being in a relationship.  I am afriad of all that goes with the relationship emosionally and physically.  I am 26, I've not been in any sort of relationship since I was 18.  I've never had sex.  I'm so afraid.  I'm afraid of never knowing a male touch, I'm afriad of never knowing love, I'm afraid I will never be a mother but most of all I'm afraid of being close to someone, sharing my life someone, that someone will know me so well that they know what I'm thinking, I'm afraid of change.

I want to be a mother, I want to know love, I want to have sex but I am so afraid of everything that it hinders me, it stops me going out there and meeting people and just living.  It's so stupid I know but I can't help who or what I am.  So what am I to do?  I'm so afriad that I will love so much and then they will leave because I am not good enough for them, because I can not satisfy them, that I can not be what they need.

I almost wrote a letter to santa, not because I believe in him, but because I believe that Christmas is a time of magic, that at Christmas anything can happen, so I almost wrote a letter to santa saying that next year all I wanted for Christmas 2007 is to find love, to loose all my inhibitions and to find someone I wanted to spend my life with, even if marriage never happened, I wanted to loose my inhibitions and my fear.  I wrote it but tore it up.  How dumb is that! To write a letter for something that can only happen if I actually do something about it.  I know that nothing in this world get's handed to you on a plate.  If you want something you have to go out and get it.  It will never just be given to you as Hollywood like to try and make us believe!  Things will only change when I make them change.

So here's to 2007 and things changing!

I know I don't post here often, 
but then again I feel most of the time 
I don't need to post here. 
On the whole I can post on my normal blog 
and everything is fine, 
but for some reason I can't post everything 
I want to post on that blog. 
I think it's because I've let too many people who 
*know* me know of this blog, 
and I can't post what I want to post there.

As a result this blog has tended to be very negative, 
and I'm afraid it ain't ever going to change. 
I like having this blog here to get rid of all my negative feelings. 
If you feel you can't read something  negative, 
tough luck.  
It ain't going to change.

My life has it's ups and downs, they all do I know that, I've excepted that.  
But because I've been depressed I tend to take things too seriously and too personally.  
I know I do but it still doesn't stop one from  feeling like crap when things go wrong.

For instance at the moment I just feel as though the world is going on around me and 
I'm looking in at the window wishing I was there.  
No matter how hard I try to get in and be apart of if, I just break the window and another window comes up in it's place and there I am again wishing I was part of the world I am looking in on through the window.  

I know I shouldn't complain.  
I do have a life, of sorts, granted 80% is based on the net through my role playing,
but I have a life,
I know many people don't have anything but the TV.  
I have more than that, but that doesn't keep you warm on a night,
can't hold you when you're crying,
can't cheer you up when you're feeling like shit.   
As much as I hate to admit it everyone, 
inclidng myself, 
needs someone, 
someone to hold, 
someone to share their life.  
What is that quote from 'About A Boy'?... I remember.... 'No man is an island'.   

It's true, and I hate it.  
No man is an island,
everyone needs something,
but how can you have something when something comes and fucks it up.  
I can't keep going like this, it's driving me nuts.  
I want a solid group of friends.    
I want to be apart of the world not looking in on it.  
I don't want to be pushed aside because I have faith,
because I have morals,
because I am single.  
Am I wrong for wanting this?  
Am I wrong to feel that at some point I should be important to some people,
as a friend,
as a human being?

Cutting

God it felt good.

To feel the scissors over my skin, pushing down, feeling the pain going through. Unfortunatly they were to blunt to cut.

I miss it, I crave it, I hate it, it scares me.

Can I really go back there? Is there somewhere I want to be? Can I do that to myself?

Someone please make it okay again.

Update on stuff

My last post was very negative, very honest but still very nagative. My manager adn I did go out for the drink and I talked, and I mean I really talked about what was going on in my head about work and about my co-worker. We really talked, I cried, she cried but we both really appreciated having each other there. Last week I had to finnish the apraisal with my manager's manager, and I have to admit I didn't trust her, but my manager told me that it was okay and I should just talk about everything like we had. So I did, and although I hadn't meant to I did cry. My manager told me later it was probably the best thing I could have done so that her manager could see just how painful working with my co-worker was.

Anyway with such a positive apraisal I have discovered just how much it has taught me about myself. I've said it before but I've never been able to talk about negative feelings, I've never even felt as though I was allowed negative feelings and to do something about it was uncalled for. This had given me the confidence to change things in my life. I feel high on life, adn a natural high. I finally know what it feels like to beat depression. Best of all it's got nothing to do with medication, I did it with my close friends and my faith in God.

I thank God for sending me to this place. I have learnt so much about myself and moving forward. Praise God.

Update

I've never found having depression easy, and people who know me know that I have struggled with it for a very long time. Sometimes I cope with it, but sometimes I don't, and when things get bad, they really get bad. Touch wood I've not self harm for over a year. I'm really impressed by that.

My co-worker is suffereing from depression and he was talking about it so I told him a little about mine. He told me that if I prayed to God that he would take it away from me, he told me thats whta he does and it works. If it works then why is he on meds. But what really made me furious was the fact he indicated to me that it was my fault I was depressed and if I prayed to God about it that I would no longer suffer from depression. That works for him... he's medicated.. I'm not.

I just got so angry at him but never told him so.. i have to work with this jerk. He was making out that I wasn't a believer and it's my fault I suffer. He went out for a bit and I just threw scissors around and threw chairs around. I WAS JUST SO FUCKING ANGRY, it's been a couple of hours and I'm still shaking I'm that angry.

I mean how dare he. I believe that God will help me but he wants me to learn soemthing first, just like a parent who knows that their child has to burn themselves once so that the child understands that fire is bad. Sometimes you have to go through the rough so that you learn and become a better person. This is what I believe God is doing with me. He gives me all the tools to get through it but it's up to me to take those tools and to get myself out of it, he won't just hand me the solution on the plate or else how can I learn and improve myself. I know what God is trying to teach me and what he wants me to do, but I'm too subbon and feel too unconfortable by the challenge he has set. I know that if I took the challange my life will change for the better, but I just can't do that yet... just like a smoker who isn't ready to quite smoking. You have to be ready or you won't get anything out of the challenge only resentment and proberbly end up in a worse state than before.

I'm just not ready to take the challenge God has put in front of me. But he has given me the strength to acknowledge that I do suffer from depression and that I do need help. The rest will come but God knows that I have to be ready, I believe he knows I can do it know, but I have not go the self-confidence to go through with it now, but if I do my self-confidence will grow expenencially. It's a viscious circle I have gotton myself into, God is giving me the tools to get out, I'm just not sure I'm ready to do it yet.

I think part of me enjoys the depression because at least with it I have something. I know that doesn't make sence but it make sense to me.

So how dare my co-worker say I have to faith in God and his power. God gave me free will, God can not force me to take the challenge and improve myself, much like he can't force people to believe in him and follow his path. We are all unique and we all have free will.

I so angry, I still have to work with him this evening and all I want to do is stab him. What the hell I'm I going to do? If I'm up to it I'll try and post this evening about how I managed.
----
A few hours later....
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So I spent some time this afternoon praying to God for the strength to cope with my co-worker and that I had the strength to let the anger to go. I got to the cafe first and I honestly felt angry still and really didn't know how I was going to cope and then something amazing happened, I saw my co-worker and all my anger disappeared. Thank you God.
____
My boss and I are going out for coffee after Easter to talk about how the job is making me feel and try and sort things out so that I'm not so unhappy.

I believe that God is trying to tell me that it's okay to talk about feelings, and to have negative feelings. I have to accept that, take it on board, and learn from the challenge he is setting in front of me.

I just don't understand

Lately everything I come accross just seams to piss me off, and I don't understand why. I'm always angry and I can cope until night. Night's always been the hardest part for me though. I want to be able to go to bed relaxed, and not angry and not thinking about....... stuff.

The one thing that stops me doing anything is my mother. I still live with her and I would hate it if she saw what I do to myself. I don't think she would understand. She would just look at me disappointedly and just pretend it's not happening and that I'm just being silly. Which in some way is true, I am being silly but it's taking every bit of self control not to find something to cut myself with. To cut out the anger.

But another part of me (a small part) misses the attention I got when I cut. I always thought that I did it to make myself feel better, not so I get attention, but part of me does miss that. The way people fussed around me, wouldn't leave me alone when I was dangourous. I hated them for it but I do miss it. I hate to admit it but I do.

What I really miss though is the control, and how well I would sleep after I cut. Everything would stop after three or four (sometimes more) cuts. I could sleep, relax and just feel good. Then of course I would wake up and see the results of the night before and hate myself for what I have done to myself.

I supose what I really want, more than anything else in the world is just to stop feeling so angry. Stop getting pissed off at everything. Or if I do get pissed of I wish I knew how to voice it without getting violent or shouting my head of at people. I'm turning into someone I hate and I don't know what I can do about it.

The easiest thing is to deny it, pretend it wasn't happening and that worked for me for a long time. I never cut, never felt angry, I just got depressed, but I wouldn't recognise it in myself and just tried to carry on as normal but didn't do it succesfuly. I was defensive and sometimes just downright unpleasent. Then my friend died. Because he took his own life everything changed. EVERYTHING. How I saw myself, how I saw my faith, how I saw my 'friends', my family. I reassed everything and the more I did the worse I got. That's when the cutting came it. I couldn't cope with the years of crap the lay behind me, and I just couldn't let it go..... in a lot of ways I still can't. I try to let it go, but when it's such a big part of you, part that you ignored for years, you just can't switch it off. I wish there was a button that could stop all of this.

The thing to make it all stop, completely stop I mean, there is only one way. To die. But I don't want to. There is so much in the world for me to see, for me to do, and I'm not ready to give up on all of that, unlike my two friends who commit suicide and my hero. I really don't want death. I really don't. But at the same time I'm have problems getting out of bed in the morning, of smiling, of talking to people, I am turning into a recluse and there is no one to stop me. But how can I live life if I am a recluse from everyone around me. How can life be full and meaningful if all I have is me?

I just wish I can get the bad feelings to stop that I could get up in the morning and just be happy. I know that can't happen 24/7 and honestly I don't want be be happy 24/7 life would be boring. I just have a lot more days were I just want to stay in bed then I do wanting to get out of bed.

I know this isn't making much sense, but then again I'm just typing and letting the thoughts and the words come out of my mind and on to the screen so they won't make much sense but at least this way I have a starting point when I become serious about sorting out my mind and wanting a better life for myself. I have learnt that running away from my problems will not help me in any way in fact they just follow you. The feelings of the past don't go away, and it no longer works to ingnore them, as much as I would want that to happen.

If you have some insight please let me know.