Updating

I have to admit that things just don't seam to be getting better, but on the other hand things are not getting worse so that's something to hold on to. The weather at the moment is so erratic it's unreal. Within one hour almost you'll have torrenting rain, brilliant sunshine, strong winds and calm breezes. Even the temperature isn't constant. I am currently wearing a string top along with a full lenght cardy, and jeans. But also in my office I have a nice BIG warm jumper, because I keep going through insane temperature changes. Anyway that's beside the by, this weather is not helping my mood much.

I'm going out tonight so hopfully this will help my mood. It's also Friday tomorrow which means the weekend is almost upon us and I can do things on my computer which I have attempted to do all week but have failed to do because I've either been in meetings or I'm so tired I fall sleep.

My life's just great.

Up and Down

Today for the first time in what feels like forever the sun has come out. The sky has become blue, a few white clouds out, a true spring day. There's still a slight chill in the air though. Not really supprising as we had snow over there weekend, yes you read that right my dear readers, snow.. in April.

I always pick up when the sun is shining. The more the sun shines, the hotter the weather the happier I am, and the more energy I have. The problem is although it is nice to have the sun and it is sorta making me feel better I still hate the world and all that is in it. I still hate myself and what I have become. I wish I could feel better about myself but this isn't going to happen anytime soon, if it happens at all.

I'm 25 this year and I have accouplished very little with my life. I always thought I would be a mother perhaps a wife at this age, instead I've only just graduated uni, failed at her first job, single and nowhere near being a mother. And I'm still living with my mother. I love her, but I want my own space.

It's like a visious circle and I can't get out of it. The one saving grace though is the fact that I'm not cotemplating suicide or cutting myself, although every now and then I'll take a few pills just to numb the pain, but not enough to do anything major. At most I'll just bruise majorly if I walk into anything.

I have to get out of this depressing rut but I don't know how to, and I certainly don't want to become dependant upon medication to live my life. When people realise you're on meds for mental health everything changes. They treat you differently, they look at you differently. Maybe it's just me being parinoid but I can't deal with any of that.

That's why I've never told my mother the full truth about what I've been through. All she knows is that in the past I have suffered from depression and have been known to cut myself, but that's all she knows and all she'll ever know. She was so disappointed in my when I told her about the depression, I could hear it in her voice, and then she started to treat me differently. I couldn't stand it. So since then I've delt with it my way.

That is why I started this blog up. My other one too many people knew me in real life for me to be honest about my feelings. Even a family memeber found out about it, my fault, but still I decided then that I couldn't continue being honest on that blog, so it's lost it's allure somehow. I still post but it's not the same. This one is my blog, no one in my life knows about it, baring a few online friends.

Isn't it strange how much easier it is to write down your feels and post them on the net than it is to tell someone face to face.

I hate....

I hate this. I want to cry all the time. If I stop the noise for one moment, my eyes well up, and I can feel myself on the verge of crying hysterically. I think if I start crying now I won't ever stop. I think I would have a break down and that I would end up instratutionallised. That's the last thing I want. I've been threatened with sectioning once before. I don't want to do there again.

I know this is the point were I'm meant to be taking the pills to help me, but I don't want to go back on those pills. I don't want to feel as though I've failed again. I've had too much failer in my life. I don't want more.

I'm so afraid that someone will ask me how I'm doing and I'll let it all out. I will cry none stop. The thing is I can't even tell you why I want to cry, all I know is that's all I want. I think about what it'll be like if I ended up in a coma for a while, escape it all. Have a chance to decided if I live or die.

Why can't I just be normal. I'm fed up of taking meds for this, meds for that. I'm fed up with my diet, with never being able to lose weight. I hate the fact I'm still living with my mother, I hate the fact I'm 25 this year. I hate the fact I'm single but too scared of trying to find a realationship. I hate the fact that I hate life. I hate the fact that the only time I'm even vaguly happy is when I'm asleep and lucid dreaming. I haven't dreamt in weeks, not since my dream of JB. I hate the fact I can't smile and mean it. At the moment I only smile because people smile at me, because people expect me to be happy. I don't want to smile, I don't feel like smiling, I just feel like crying and crawling into a hole and staying there for a while. I don't want to cope with the outside world, and yet I crave the outside world.

I hate the fact I'm lonely but too scared to start new activities to met new people. I am so patheitic, and I hate it. I hate everything I touch, I hate everything I do and I hate the person who looks at me in the mirror.

"Everyday I fight a war against a mirror, I can’t take the person staring back at me, I’m a hazard to myself. Don’t let me get me, I’m own worst enemy. Better than you to know yourself. So irritating, don’t want to be my friend no more, I want to be somebody else......So doctor, doctor won’t you please prescribe me something, a day in the life of someone else, I’m a hazard to myself.......So irritating, don’t want to be my friend no more, I want to be somebody else" Don't let me get me: Pink

Urg!

It's all gone to shit. I handed in my report, people looked at it and it went down like a lead balloon. I tried so hard at it, but like all things acedemic/written I suck at it. I knew I shouldn't have undertaken this report, but I decided that I should take it so that I can prove to myself that I'm not a failer. I've only added to that feeling.

I've been given another six months to allow this project to grow and become what it should be, but I'm not sure I can do this. I'm not sure I want to do this. I want to quit so badly, but I want a job. I don't think I can quit doing this report until I have another job. Although at the moment I have not signed a new contract, I could technically leave if I wanted to.

The more I sit here looking at what I need to do, the more I begin to think about weather I want to do the report or want the job waiting at the end. I really don't know. I'm not sure what the thinking behind the report is, weather the end result is wanted within the community or weather it's just what the big man wants.

There are so many hurdles to jump, and I'm not sure I'm stong enough to jump them, with or without support. I had just started to build my self confidence up when this happened, and it's gone back down to nothing. I've already been taking the pills to numb the pain, to help me to sleep, which of course makes it hard to function the next day. I'm also thinking about cutting again, although the only thing that stops me is the fact that I can't hide the marks like I could when I was at uni. If I went into hiding here, people would notice. At uni no one noticed.

I'm not sure what the outcome of all of this will be. As soon as I know I'll let you know.