The're only words

My insomnia is slowly passing, very slowly and occasionally I manage to actually sleep for more than an hour or two. On those nights I dream, except they are not dreams, they are memories. Memories of nights where I took 'The Concoction'. It was going okay because I didn't do much. I would just lay on my bed with a film going or a TV show playing, but there was one night where S saw me in that state. I had completely forgotten, and am horrified that I allowed him to see me in that state. I woke from this dream memory, and was horrified but didn't know what to do about it. So I wrote him an email just to say how sorry I was about the whole affair.

I don't want him respond but I would just like something to say that he acknowledges what I've said. I know that's really selfish of me, and I didn't write the email just so I could have closure... well not completely. I do want closure, but more than anything I don't want S to fear me any more, I don't want him to feel uncomfortable around me. I'm going to keep in touch with him, but I'm going to distance myself from him. I'm going to let him make a move or two occasionally. I do need to start putting him behind me, and I need to move on.

I just wish I could talk to him, just once about what I put him through, but he wouldn't talk to me about that, he wouldn't open up and we'd never get an honest conversation going. We put up too many doors and too many walls. We never could be honest with each other. I could only vaguely tell him anything near truthful when I had drunk too much. Then he would back off and a crater would appear between us.

As my mental health got worse, that creator got bigger and bigger and I'm pretty sure there is nothing is the 'verse that will bridge that gap. I sure miss him. It's like my heart has a hole in it, and there is nothing that will fill it in.

What the hell have I done

I'm freaking out a little. I'm so desperate for S, and my feelings for him are so intense and I don't know what to do with it that. I dream about him, I ache for him. I have never felt this way about anyone like this ever. I even wonder what it would be like to sleep with him. He is the only guy I have honestly and truly imagined myself sleeping with.

So with all this going on and being so desperate for him I did something that I'm pretty sure is the dumbest thing I have ever done. I bought myself a love potion (or love spell I can't remember) which I can cast on him.

I know I shouldn't do this but I am so desperate for him I just don't know what else to do. He's rejected me but he is still giving me signs that he wants me, even my friends are confused by him. If they hadn't known he had rejected me they would have tried to get me to ask him out. They think he is attracted to me.

What harm can it do though, really?

What the hell do I do now

So I went for a job interview today. Didn't think I did all that well. Imagine my surprise when they offered me the job!

I don't know if I will take the job or not as I really want to talk to my CPN about where I will stand on wating lists and the such. I'm not sure I can handle everything from scratch!

I have until Wednesday to make a decision. I just hope it's the right one!

really struggling

So since my break down the other week I've been okay. I've not cut and I've not taken the Concoction. I've been sleeping naturally, and I've been feeling positive. Then yesterday happened. I had a team day at work and they did some of 'the heartstyles'. I didn't cope with it. It really brought me down and now I'm struggling to keep it together. Really struggling. I want my razor, but I don't have a razor. I want to take the pills and the alcohol but I've taken so much lately I'm afraid of what I'm doing to my body. I want to smoke, but I can't my chest is too bad. So I'm sitting here wondering what the fuck I'm meant to be doing to get me through for another hour until I get to bed. I've tidied my room, I have no dishes to wash..... I'm struggling and I don't know what to do.

A good session

I had a fantastic session with my CPN last Thursday. Usually I just sit there, vaguely talking about things, he gets me to think a little but we don't really do anything much. That all changed this week. Changed completely.

I sat there and talked about my concoction that I take. We talked about how dangerous it is, the damage I could be doing to myself. We also talked about the possibility that I might be addicted. This is something myself that I have struggled with. I plan when I do it, I plan it carefully. I buy the pills, I buy the alcohol. I can't seam to stop myself.

We talked about what it was to be an addict, what it meant, and how it would affect me. We talked about how I felt when I took my concoction and we also talked about how much control I had over it.

My CPN came to the conclusion that although what I was doing was wrong, I had enough control, I wasn't doing it regularly enough and that I knew what I was doing enough that he didn't need to interfere in some way or other to stop me.

In truth although the dosage I take is high, and I could be doing a lot of damage to myself, I do not do it everyday, I do not do it at work, I only do it when I'm at home and I can have a day to recover. I am very careful. I make sure I do this unsafe deed in a safe way.

It felt so good being able to talk about it. No one else knows, well actually there are some people who do know, but they don't know the extent of it. My CPN does. He knows how many times I've done it over the past couple of months. When I stopped cutting, I started on the concoction. I look forward to that time during the week (or weekend) when I can take my concoction and block everything out. I do wish I could get the same feeling with something else but I can't.

To talk about it was so good, to talk through my concerns and my joys of 'The Concoction'. For me to know that someone else knows and doesn't look down on me. I walked out of that meeting feeling great. Why can't I feel like that normally!!

Oh shite!

I have found myself planning my time around the best time for me to get 'stoned' on my little concoction... even though last Friday I got it wrong and I became very ill and remember very little I still want it, I want to be that way again. I'm trying to plan the best time to do it, when The Boys are out, when I don't have to get up early the next day, trying to find the best time to do it so I can be alone and no one will find out. I need to get the pills and I need to get the alcohol but planning all this I am.

I remember back in Uni I started cutting then went on to the P&A concoction, then when I started coming out of it I cut again and then I stop. Neither of these are right, I know that, you know that, we all know that but here I am unable to stop. I need them to just block everything out for a while, so that I can dream, so that I can sleep, so that I don't need to feel.

Screwing up all over again.

Friday night wasn't good for me and I don't know why. I had an exceptionally good week at work, the most positive I've had in many a month in fact. Still I did my thing except I did it wrong. I got the combination wrong. I got to the point I couldn't stand, I couldn't walk. Had I found someone in that state I would have called for an ambulance but I hid out, I stayed in my room. I think I slept a couple of hours in the bathroom... well I say slept, I get very tired but I never actually sleep. It's hard to describe the state I was in. I collapsed twice in my bedroom and I have jarred my neck and shoulders. They hurt so much.

I couldn't think straight, I doubt I could have talked straight. I certainly could stand up and I had real issues with walking, at most I could crawl. I enjoyed the feeling of no control, it wasn't until sometime Saturday I realised just how dangerous the state I was in was. Anything could have happened, what if I had fallen down the stairs, what if I had decided to go for a walk. Anything could have happened and there was no one around to help me.

I paid for it on Saturday not being able to eat or drink until late into the evening, I was very dehydrated and had problems with light. Today I feel better, I managed to eat something and have spent sometimes outside in the sun. However I'm thinking that I can't do that again, certainly not while I'm on my own. It could have gone so badly wrong. I could have been so ill or worse but I couldn't help myself. I needed something, anything to help me with stuff that's going on in head. To stop me feeling what I'm feeling.

Today I'm find apart from sore shoulders and neck, but it's my own stupid fault, I just need to come up with a really good reason for why I'm in so much pain that sounds plausible. No one knows what I'm doing at the moment except my CPN, and he's on holiday at the moment so I can't talk to him but I don't know who else I should talk to, who else I should tell. If I tell anyone they'll become worried about me and freak out. I couldn't handle that at all! The looks I'd get, the concern on their face etc.

What have I done? What am I doing here? What am I doing to myself? Why can't I stop?

I'm in trouble!

"The past is done It's gone forever is done Don't tell me my pain is pleasure You, you haven't got a clue Oh, I wanna cry but I don't make a sound I'm your child and your child is feeling down Everybodys toxic in this town" Robbie Williams: Toxic
I know I shouldn't have done it, but I'm just feeling so bad! I've not talked to anyone in over 30 hours. I've not seen anyone within 30 hours. I've been completely on my own. Last night I couldn't handle how I was feeling, there was no one around. I tried everyone but there was nothing, not one person about. Everyone has their own lives. So I bought a BIG bottle of orange bacardi breezer, drank that to myself and then took some of my old pain killers. I know they make me buzz along side the alcohol. No one around to notice, no one around to stop me.

I need to let go.

"This is the way you left me
I'm not pretending
No hope no love no glory
No happy ending
This is the way that we love
Like it's forever
And live the rest of our lives
but not together"
Happy Ending: Mika

I know that he doesn't like me in a romantic way. I am thankful that we are still friends and that we can still spend time together. I would like my feelings to stop and for the day dreams to end. I am hurting that he doesn't want me. I wish I could change myself so that he wanted me, I wish I could be exactly what he wants in a woman. I keep wondering if things would have been different if I hadn't had all this mental health crap going on.

I dread the day he gets a girlfriend. I dread the jealousy I know that will come. However, I wish that he will be happy with who ever he ends up with. I hope he does find true happiness and true love. I hope he finds a love that will last a lifetime and then some. A love that is not jealous or possessive. I hope that he finds everything he wants in a wife.

I just wish it could have been me!

Heartbroken

It seemed to be like the perfect thing for you and me

It's so ironic you're what I pictured you to be

But there are facts in our lives we can never change

Just tell me that you understand and feel the same

This perfect romance that I've created in my mind

I'd live a thousand lives each one with you right by my side

But yet we find ourselves in a less than perfect circumstance

And so it seems like we'll never have the chance

Ain't it funny how some feelings you just can't deny

And you can't move on even though you try

Ain't it strange when you're feeling things you shouldn't feel

Oh, I wish this could be real

Ain't it funny how a moment could just change your life

And you don't want to face what's wrong or right

Ain't it strange how fate can play a part

In the story of your heart

Sometimes I think that a true love can never be

I just believe that somehow it wasn't meant for me

Life can be cruel in a way that I can't explain

And I don't think that I could face it all again

I barely know you but somehow I know what you're about

A deeper love I've found in you

And I no longer doubt

You've touched my heart and it altered every plan I've made

And now I feel that I don't have to be afraid

Ain't it funny how some feelings you just can't deny

And you can't move on even though you try

Ain't it strange when you're feeling things you shouldn't feel

Oh, I wish this could be real

Ain't it funny how a moment could just change your life

And you don't want to face what's wrong or right

Ain't it strange how fate can play a part

In the story of your heart

I locked away my heart

But you just set it free

Emotions I felt

Held me back from what my life should be

I pushed you far away

And yet you stayed with me

I guess this means

That you and me were meant to be

Ain't it funny:J-lo

I have had only one relationship in my life and even then I wouldn't really call it a relationship.  I knew he liked me which is why I asked him out. Shortly after we started 'dating' I became ill.  The 'relationship' lated six months.  During that time I never completely relaxed around him, I never felt comfortable when we were together, or holding hands, or kissing.  I always felt like it was wrong somehow.  Then during this time I almost kissed someone else.  This is when I knew that he and I wouldn't last.  He went to uni and we broke up.  I didn't feel anything, not even upset.  I didn't cry not once.  I have gone on dates, I have asked other guys out but every time things didn't work out or I got knocked back I didn't care.  I didn't feel anything.

That's changed this time.  This time I had feelings, I had butterflies, I had a vested interest in the outcome.  This time I knew I would feel something if he said no.  So I asked him out.  The wait was excruciating but wait I had to.  Eventually I got the reply, I didn't want to read the text, I didn't want to know.  I didn't want my fears to be confirmed.  My friend made me read the reply.  It was as I feared.  He said no.

S and I will never get together, regardless how much I want it, regardless how much I play stuff out in my mind, he will never be mine and I will never be his.  He just doesn't feel that way for me.  That's fine.  I can't force him to like me or blackmail him into it.  I don't want him to hate me.  I hope in time we'll get our rhythm back.  I don't know if we've deliberately giving each other space but for two days now, since the whole text thing we've not seen each other, but we know we're both in.  I have been trying to put on a brave face, as if everything is normal.  I don't want him to see me hurting.  I have almost burst into tears four times today. I hurt so much, I never imagined I would feel this way.  I didn't think anyone could effect me like S has effected me, but here it is.  The hurt and the pain is so real.  I feel as though part of me has died.

I want him so much but I know that he will never be mine.  I have to put him in a box and lock him away.  I just thought that maybe... just maybe.... I could have my dream this time.

When will it all end!

I've cut again. I don't understand why I've not come up. I know Tuesday night was tough for me, and I cut. Usually for a few days after I start coming up and by now I should be back to my 'normal' (which you must understand is not that high). I cried Wednesday and I cried and cut again last night.

I tried to text someone to ask for help but I never sent it, it's still in my drafts folder on my phone. I know I can't do this alone, I know that there are people out there who are willing to help me and all I have to do is ask, reach out and take their hands and they will help me. But I can't do it. All I had to is press send and I could have had someone by my side but something in side me keeps stopping me. I don't know what it is though. What is it in me that just can't reach out and ask for help.

All I seam to be able to do is cut, but it's not doing me any favours for my arm really hurts at the moment. Nothing I do seams to stop the pain. It doesn't hurt to cut, but it hurts at other times. When I turn in the night on to my arm I get woken up with the pain. I have to put a make shift bandage on my arm each night, for it keeps bleeding as the skin gets contorted and the cuts re open. This means they'll scar pretty badly.

Why can't I just reach out to the help that is being offered. Why can't I just start going up rather than forever be going downhill! Something has got to change, and soon. I can't keep doing this, I'm not strong enough. If I have a bad shift tonight I don't know what I would do.

I did it again.

I just couldn't deal with it. He made me feel so bad, I couldn't handle the feelings that were washing over me. He came up near the end of the session and started verbally attacking me, my volunteers and the work we are doing. I barely held it together, one of my volunteers ran off in tears. I got to the end of my street before the tears started falling. I kept it quiet as I walked up the stairs in my flat, The Boys were out. I got into my room collapsed and cried and cried. After some time I got my blade. My old cuts are barely healed but still I cut. I never felt any pain, I was barely aware that they were bleeding. I have had to create some make shift bandages so I don't bleed on my bed linen again, mainly tissue and gaffa tape.

I don't regret what I've done, not at all, but I was talking to M (My Manager) telling her what happened at the end of the session. She asked me to write a report about what happened. Her next question, no hesitation, was if I had done anything. I just nodded, I didn't talk about it though. I wasn't going to tell anyone or talk about it. I wanted this one to be mine, not tell anyone. Keep it to myself. I knew talking things out would be a bad idea. Now every time I feel things are getting about me, she will assume that I have cut, even if it's not true, she will think I am lying. I wanted this to be my thing, I just wanted me to know about it, I didn't want to tell anyone else, I wasn't going to share it with the boys. All this stuff freaks them out way to much for me to confide in them.

Right now all I want to do is get really, really, really drunk but I am scared that if I start drinking I won't stop. I want to cut again but know that I can't, or should I say, shouldn't. It's just so alluring and so comforting. I probably should talk to someone, anyone about the way I'm feeling but I'm not sure I'm strong enough to do it.

I am so lost and alone right again. I don't know where to turn, who to trust or what to do. I want to feel something again. I don't want to be stuck in this hopelessness or feel this pathetic. I wish I could smile and mean it, laugh and know that it's real. I want seeing S to make my heart sing again. Currently all it does is make me hurt. Everything makes me feel worse. I'm just not enjoying anything any more.

I cried so much last night that my eyes were still puffy this morning. I had to do everything in my power to try and depuff my eyes for work. It didn't really work. Even now there is puffiness to them. I also spent a lot of today trying not to cry at the drop of a hat. It's all I wanted to do.

I thought doing down this road was meant to make me feel better, make me feel.... I don't know. I just... ngh what does it matter any way.

Triggers

I've been trying to work out what my triggers are. On the whole I never feel that great, I just permanently feel down. Then there are some days that for what ever reason I start crying and then out of those days there are the days I self harm.

I'm trying to work out what it is about those days I self harm where I get to the point I want to do that.

oh well

Fuck this hurts, I won't lie
Doesn't matter how hard I try

Half the words don't mean a thing
And I know that I wont be satisfied

I've opened up these scars
I'll make you face this

I bleed it out digging deeper
Just to throw it away
Extracts from Bleed It Out: Linkin Park

I told my flatmates about what happened last weekend. S looked scared and then just looked at me with pity in his eyes. I know it was more because he didn't know what to say. N on the other hand wanted to try and fix me. At least N gave me a hug. It was just so nice. Sometimes I hate being hugged, other times I really need a hug.

I wasn't going to tell anyone about any of this but felt I had too when S caught me with bare arms. Luckily I was in the right frame of mind to move my body in such a way he couldn't see anything. It brought home to me though how easy it would be for either one of them to catch me with naked arms. That's when I felt I needed to tell them. I couldn't have them seeing it and then feeling uncomfortable.

So that's what I did. I talked to them. I spent the rest of the evening freaking out. I couldn't deal with it. Today I talked to M. She helped me calm myself down a little. I just can't believe how much this all takes out of me. Anyway I have made plans for this weekend. I couldn't deal with a bank holiday weekend on my own. It's when I'm alone thing gets worse.

I gave in and it felt great!

I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

A fragile flame aged
Is misery
And when our hearts meet
I know you see

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut

I may seem crazy
Or painfully shy
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden
If you would just look me in the eye
I feel alone here and cold here
Though I don't want to die
But the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside

I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I find it when
I am cut
Pain
I am not alone
I am not alone

I'm not a stranger
No I am yours
With crippled anger
And tears that still drip sore

But I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in
I'm tired of feeling so numb
Relief exists I found it when
I was cut
Plumb: Cut

I couldn't help myself, I really couldn't. I just felt so bad, so useless, so pointless, so down that I couldn't help myself. I had eaten something yesterday, for the first time in three days. Although I had eaten little snacks over three days. It was the forth day and I was thinking I need to eat. So I did and boy did I regret it. I have been so hungry lately, although I don't feel hungry in the traditional way, I am craving food. I missing eating. I don't feel hungry and yet I know my body is hungry for food. My body is starving. I know this to be true. I sense it in my body even though I don't feel hungry.

So yesterday I ate. I haven't felt pain like that in so long. I had these cramps, I couldn't stand at all, I just spent the evening in a ball on my bed. It was the final straw. I have to play with my asthma inhalers because they are making me shake, I have a fungal infection on my arm, I just want to sleep all the time, I don't feel I've had a good week, my feelings for S are getting out of hand and I don't know what to do with any of this and then to top it off I felt like shite after I ate.

It just got all too much and I couldn't deal with it any more, so I got my blade and I cut. I just couldn't stop myself. They bled so much. The 'pain' was euphoric. It calmed me down so much. I cut again and again. Finding it hard to stop. I did stop eventually and then just feel asleep out of exhaustion.

Today I've been trying to keep busy but it's hard to concentrate on anything, so here I am writing my blog watching SG1. I know I should call someone, tell them what happened or knock on one of The Boys door but I just can't bring myself to do it. This is something I want to keep to myself, I don't want other's to know, treat my like a freak show. My cuts are higher than normal and therefore I will be able to hide them easily. One of the advantages of winter I can wear long sleeves. I have to see my mother next week. It'll be a breeze hiding them.

My head is annoying!

"cryin', "Love me, love me, do!"
Because I'm heart over head
over heart over head over you.
Too late to stop it now.
I'm heart over head
over heart over head over you."
Bette Middler: Heart over head!

So I've decided that I need to do something about my feelings for S. I need to get them out there and he needs to know. I need the now from him so I can start getting over him and moving on with my life. I know in my heart of hearts that he will say no.

I keep banging on about this, I keep going on about my feelings. I have never felt this strongly about anyone before.... ever. The main problem is that my head takes over and takes the whole situation to places I'm not ready for or to situations that will never happen. For instance I haven't been in a relationship for so long I don't know the rules, when is it okay to kiss them, hold their hands, snuggle into them. How often you go out? What do you share with them, what you don't share with them? What about the L word, when does that come into things?

My head is playing out these situations and they end up really bad. I am either to clingy or I stand back so much he's not sure why we're in a relationship (both these have happened to me in the past!). I play conversations out in my head about things and we end up fighting. I see problems about our relationship and we're not even in one. Personally I'm not sure he would say yes, if he did say yes I'm not sure how I would react. I don't understand why he would want me. He knows what I'm going through, what if he says yes because he's scared about what I might do if he says no. That's no way to start a relationship.

Then there is the whole sex thing. That within itself is a mine field. Then there is the mine field of the fact we share a flat together.

The whole thing is driving me crazy. I have to do something about it. I want to send him a text. Some of my friends say this is okay the others say it's not. I know that I will never tell him face to face, it's too hard otherwise. It's going to be tough doing it via text. The first text I've drafted has been deemed too negative. I just thought I was being honest!

So at the end of the day I know I have to do something, I'm just not sure of the words to use or what will happen afterwards. I don't want to loose what we've got, I just want to take it to the next level. I hope this doesn't ruin things permanently between us.

I have to do something

"Doing all I can do just to be close to you
Every time that we meet I skip a heartbeat
Always up for a laugh, she's a pain in the ass
Every time that we meet I skip a heartbeat"
Scouting for girls: Heartbeat

Regardless how hard I can try I can't get S out of my system. I joined an online dating site but every time I see someone I compare them to S. When I ever I meet any guy I compare them with S. If I've not seen him for a while he takes my breath away. I have never known anyone who could do that to me. Other people I've had feelings for they would excite me but never make me loose my head or my breath but S can.

I know that I can't carry on like this. I know this, I really do. I need to ask him on a date, I need to know one way or another how he feels about me but I just can't do it. I don't want to lose our thing we've got. I don't want to feel awkward around him, I don't want to be embarrassed. I know that if I ask him he'll tell me he doesn't have feelings for me like that, I know this to be true. There is no other way this will play out I honestly know this. But while I don't know, and while I don't ask him I have my day dream. I can pretend just for a little while longer.

Regardless how crap I feel he can make me smile, he can make me laugh. He can make me feel like I'm worth something. I know that I can't gage myself esteem on how someone makes me feel. I have to feel good about myself, by myself. But having someone who can boost that can't be bad! He makes me feel special. I can be honest and open with him. I can relax around him.

I know I have to do something, I honestly do. I just don't know how, I can't do it. I look at him and the words don't come. Like some much about me I don't have the guts to do it. I'm so pathetic. How hard can it be to say, 'I have feelings for you, do you fancy a date.' I want him so much.

I don't know what to do....

"Doctor, doctor wont you please prescribe me somethin'
A day in the life of someone else?
Cuz I'm a hazard to myself

Don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
It's bad when you annoy yourself
So irritating
Don't wanna be my friend no more
I wanna be somebody else"
Pink: Don't let me get me

.... actually that's a bit of a lie. I know exactly what I should do but I just don't want to do it. For no reason what so ever I feel like shite today. From the moment I woke up I knew today would be a bad day for me. Now at the end of the day I realise that I am right, today has been a bad day, unfortunately, and this is what infuriates those trying to support me, I can't tell you why. There is two things that have got me in a tiz and have not helped my mood but right now I just want to crawl up in bed and sleep. The problem is that's all I've done for weeks now. Curled up in bed and ignore the world. I've had a fag, I have an alcoholic drink by my bed but I still want my razor. I have no idea if that is what I'm going to end up doing tonight but the pull is strong. The problem is that I have a meeting with two people tomorrow to talk about what I'm going to do (these will be part of my support network) and I don't want any new marks for them to find. On top of that I go and see my mother in a couple of weeks for the Easter break for a family meal and I just don't want to have to hide any marks. There is no way in two weeks the marks will have disappeared enough for me not to have to hide them.

Since I got home from work almost two hours ago I've been trying to work out what it is that is making me feel bad. I know I'm worried about tomorrow and telling these two people about what's going on for me. That will make four people who know exactly what is going on. That within itself is completely stressing me out. I hate people knowing so much about me on this level. What I don't get as well is why people care? I am nothing, I don't do anything fantastic, I sit and mope, I don't accomplish anything, I am not important enough for people to care. I just don't understand why these people want to support me. Both N and S never even thought about it when I asked them if they were willing to support me they just instantly said yes. I don't get it. Why? Why would they want to support a fucked up person such as me, I honestly don't get it.

Another thing that has stressed me out is that my manager (H) at work wants 'The Team' at work to undertake this course that she and L had done that did great things for them personally and spiritually. I don't want to do it. If it brings things up that I can't deal with who knows what sort of mess I'll end up in. I can barely get through a day, I exhausted every day just because I have to be around people, and I have to deal with their problems. It takes so much of me not to just collapse down and cry. I don't want to do this course, but if they make 'The Team' do it, I have no choice I will have to be there. I'm not doing psychotherapy at the moment because I have no coping mechanisms to deal with any issues it will bring up so I have to do something else so I can learn to develop coping mechanism. At what point do they think that this course will be a good idea for me...... I have to tell them this at some point fuck knows how I'm going to do that.

I'm all stressed out because too many people know what I'm going through. Some days I feel well and I will tell people.... this is suppose to be a good thing as I need to learn to share things and be open and honest with people (and of course learn to trust), the problem is I don't like it. I don't like the feeling that I'm relaying on people. I don't like giving people that power over me. It's just getting too much. If I don't tell people though (especially those who know to this point) how I'm feeling or what's going on they worry about me, and that freaks me out even more.

I'm also worried because I'm not eating again. I've lost nearly a half stone in just two weeks. This is not good. I hadn't realised that I was eating then I weighed myself and saw my weight and then realised just what I had been doing. Work has just been so stressful that I don't want to eat, so I don't. I have no one who is watching what I eat or how much I eat. I eat at work so that H doesn't worry about me (even then it's usually just a croissant). When I get back to the flat I just don't bother eating. The Boys don't notice. Hell I've barely seen them over the past three weeks. They haven't even noticed my new weight loss. At this point it's becoming obvious that I'm losing weight again. A concern is that I like this not eating. I'm not in pain, I'm not bloated, I don't feel uncomfortable... in fact I feel good. Tired but good.

My feelings for S are out of control. I hadn't seen him for three weeks due to me staying in bed all the time but also due to the fact when I'm in he's out and when he's out I'm in... we're just ships passing in the night. So last Wednesday (before I was ready really) I went out with him and his work colleges. It was a nice night I must admit although it really exhausted me to be around so many people... but I digress. I got to the pub and I saw him there. My heart skipped a beat and my breath was taken away. I'm glad he didn't spot me at that point or else I fear he would have worked out exactly how I felt about him. I can't control the way my body reacts about him. When he's around my stomach turns summer saults, my heart flutters and feels as though it's going to explode out of my body and I can feel myself blush when he talks to me. It's insane. I've only known this guy for about 17 months. How can I feel like this?

I ought to tell someone all of this, one of The Boys maybe but I just can't bring myself to do that. I want to cry but I'm too scared that The Boys will hear and come to my room and try and comfort me. I want to cut but I'm so fed up of hiding marks. I forgot my arm warmers at work and spent ages trying to hide my arms until there was an appropriate time where I could go back to the flat and get them. The marks ain't overly visible until my arms get really hot or really cold, which at the moment is that only two temperatures my body can do. Then the angry read marks show their nasty head and I have to hide them. I just wish all of this was easier to deal with, that I could go phone someone and just say 'I feel shite, I don't know why, I just do, can you keep me company'. You wouldn't think it was a hard thing to do, but it is.

At some point I have a feeling I will have to tell my mother all of this stuff. Currently the people I have told only know because I either work for them or I'm sharing a flat with them. So they need to know as it could affect them in a direct way. It just all fucking sucks and I wish I could do something to stop it all... take it all back. I want to pretend none of this is going on because it was so much easier then. Since I've been talking about it I feel so much worse, I feel claustrophobic, I feel out of control and my moods are so much worse. I have things I need to do but can not bring myself to do them..... I HATE BEING ME RIGHT HOW.

Heart of Misery

I don't want to feel anything today
(I don't want to feel anything today)
Anything at all and just be alone
(I just want to know that you want to know)
I don't want to live through another day
(I don't want to live through another day)
Meaningless to fight for the victory
I just want to dive in the heart of misery

One love, One life
Locked me in the heart of misery
One loss, one fight
Locked me in the heart of misery

I will never be anything again
(I will never be anything again)
I'm tired to give, I don't want to try
(I'm afraid to live, I'm afraid to die)
I just want to fly, throw it all away
(I just want to fly, throw it all away)
Meaningless to fight for your sympathy
I just want to drown in the heart of misery

One love, One life
Locked me in the heart of misery
One loss, one fight
Locked me in the heart of misery

Heart of Misery: The Rasmus

I gave in last night, I just couldn't help myself. I thought I was so tired that I just couldn't cry any more, I couldn't feel any more and all I could do was sleep. I have spent so much time in bed at the moment. I get up as late as possible and go to bed as early as possible. I just couldn't stay awake. Interacting with people just made me feel worst. It zapped my energy more. Then I had a bad shift at work, I even had a few people come up to me and tell me that I wasn't myself and they wanted to know what was wrong. I just told them I was overly tired. I got home and I was determined to go to bed.

However, I was in the flat by myself, no one else was home. I put my music on (thru headphones), I drew my curtains, sat in the dark and before I knew it I started to cry, I honestly thought I couldn't cry any more but I did. I sobbed and more water came out my eyes than I thought was possible. The I reached for my razor. I held it between my fingers, turning it around and around, weaving it in and out. Then I took it in my left hand, I had no power to resit it's song to me, I placed it into my skin and I dragged it across. It felt good, but what shocked me was the fact it really hurt. It doesn't usually hurt until I start calming down. This hurt though, I could feel the pain. Rather than only three of four cuts, I did thirteen cuts. Although I hurt, it felt wonderful, the pain was euphoric, the blood was fun to watch as it came out as ruby droplets. I do not regret what I have done, I just thought that my will was stonger than this. However, I do except the fact that I have been slowly getting worse for weeks. I no longer just think of self harming, but of other things.

The strange thing is that I have felt better today, not fantastic, and I don't think I'll not manage to cut myself again tonight. I feel like the storm in my head is slowing down, blowing itself out. I'm glad I have another day to try and calm my head down and raise my energy levels before I have to face another week at work.

We also have a team day on Wednesday and I really don't want to go, so many people are going to be there, and it's hard enough to cover marks from people who know what I do, but the whole team and trustees, what the hell am I going to do. I also have to spend the day with her the person who has caused me so much pain, and still causing me pain, and still filling me with hatred and bile. I would really like it if I could let it go but I can't.

All I can think about it getting my razor and cutting again. The pain is like nothing I've felt before, and I want it again. I know I need to tell someone, any one but I'm scared they'll take this away from me. The one thing that actually makes me feel something, feel something positive and they'll take it away from me. I don't want that. I'm going to keep this to myself for a while. Why should I let someone take this away from me.

Physcotherapy

I know I haven't said much about this, and in fact most of me talking about it has happened on my other blog. But with what came up at my meeting last Tuesday, I don't feel I can write over there, or tell anyone. If someone, who knows I went, asks me about it I just tell them everything was 'fine'. The really answer to that question is not fine, in fact it's the complete opposite. My head is feeling like it's about to explode.

I was okay after the meeting, but then again I was going straight to work so I really couldn't think too much about what was said, but different aspects of the meeting kept popping into my head. I didn't want them too because I had to open for the youth and I couldn't collapse in front of them. So I pushed them from my concious brain. This was fine until I got home.

I got back to the flat, and the first thing I did was to open an alcoholic drink and within minutes I had drunk it, so I opened a second. Now I hadn't eaten all day. This isn't a good thing for me, I'm meant to be eating, my system can't take me not eating. If I don't keep my food intake up I'm going to become really ill, but that's by-the-by. The alcohol went straight to my head and the meeting came back to me and started to swim in my head. I was getting agitated. I could recognise it in myself. I wanted my razor, I reached for it and kept it beside me.

Basically what came out of the meeting is the following:

1. I'm in the high risk category for committing suicide. This has completely fucked with my head. I don't feel suicidal. Sure I want to cut myself but there is a difference between cutting yourself and being suicidal. But still the therapist is worried that I might take that I step further and actually end my life. Then I looked back at my last attempt. That did come out of nowhere. I hadn't cut for quite a while, I was in a dark place... certainly darker than I am now.... but I hadn't thought about it. I just did it. I wrote a will, instructions for what to do, how to tell people etc.... but I just did it. This time though I have just thought about it once, so I'm thinking I don't want to do it.
2. The therapist wanted to convince me that I was jealous of my sister, because she has a relationship, is getting married, has the house etc. I have to say although one day I would like that, I'm not ready for it right now and I don't want it. Maybe five or six years down the line, but certainly not now. The therapist couldn't understand why I wasn't jealous though.
3. My biological other half and my feeling towards him, confused the therapist. She wanted to make out I was angry at him, that I was hurting because he wasn't around. How can I feel like that, I have no idea what it means to have two parents. I never had it, I have no memories of him. She asked if I had any photos and I said yes I did. She asked how I felt when I saw his in them. I said I felt nothing. She didn't like that, she wrote something on her pad and that was that.
4. She asked what would I be like in group therapy. I told her I wouldn't like that at all. I don't trust and there is no way I would open up to a group of people. I would be hard enough if it was just one person. She said how I had open up to her. I said that I've told her things most people know about me. Nothing I've told her is a secret.
5. We also talked about my cutting. We only talked about that because it's on my medical notes. This is when the whole suicide thing came up. We didn't talk a lot about it, we will do that at the next meeting, but she asked me what I felt when I did it. So I tried to remember what it was I did feel when I cut. The problem is that I don't often know what I feel, there is so much there that I can't name everything I feel. She also asked about how I cut. I told her slow and deliberate. As I calm down the cuts get less deep and lighter. Less blood.
6. We talked about the mask I put on for the world to see. The happy go lucky nothing bothers me mask. The mask I will show everyone because I don't want them to see me crumbling inside. I don't want people to know just how crap I am feeling.
   
7. We never really talked about work. We did talk a little and she said that it must be exhausting for me, emotionally as well as physically (teenagers are not easy). She said it must be equally exhausting because I have this mask on that the world sees. So I have two lots draining what energy I have. None of this is easy.
8. We talked about how crap school was for me.
9. We also talked about physcotherapy itself and how it's about accepting what one feels and examining ones life, what happened and how things from the past can affect us etc. This can be very hard if you have a persecution complex. I didn't think I had this, but she explained it that if I had ever thought 'if it happens to anyone, it's happen to me' or 'why does this always happen to me' or 'why bother doing that it's only go wrong anyway', then you have this complex. Well that's me down to a T. So I'm going to struggle. But if I don't do this, what's left for me. What more can I do? What do I need to do to get better? I can't keep going on like this.
   

As all this was going around and around my head I got more and more agitated. I'm not sure why though. I picked up my empty bottle and in tears and anger I let out a scream and threw it at my wall. I didn't smash, so I tried again. It still didn't smash. I fell to the floor in tears because even that I couldn't get right. (In the cold light of day I worked out why, the plaster is too soft for it to smash, all I have now is huge dents in my wall and missing plaster work which I must fill in at some point).

I cried for hours. I don't think my flatmates heard me, they didn't make any issue of it. In fact I haven't seen them all week to see if they noticed anything. All week this stuff and more has been going around and around and around and around and around and around my head and I just can't get it to stop. My next appointment isn't until the 26th.

What I have to think about is if this is the right thing for me to do, and if it is I have to sign a piece of paper that says I won't attempt to kill myself. I will be given a CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse) and a number to call when I'm in crisis at 3 in the morning. I may even have to go back on meds.

What have I got myself into, why did I get into such a mess. My life wasn't meant to be like this. Where is the happy girl I used to be. I want her back.

Valentines Day

I think I did a really stupid thing. I sent my flatmate an anonymous valentines card. I got someone else to write it, and post it so it wasn't my handwriting and it wasn't with a local postmark.

Part of me wants him to work out it was from me, but part of me wishes I never had the idea and that I never sent it. It didn't turn up today, which means it'll probably turn up tomorrow.

I think it has to be the dumbest idea I have ever thought off and acted upon... why did I have to be so stupid!!!!!

Romance & Relationships

I have had crushes in the past, I have felt things for guys in the past. That I can not deny. Yes, each time they have been unrequited and it's annoyed me.

However this time it's so different. I don't know if it's because I know him so well, or because I spend a lot of time with him or this is the real deal, but I have such strong feelings for him. I look at him and I just want him to put his arms around me and kiss my neck. Now this is something special as I have a phobia of people touching my neck and tend to freak out if it's touch. I was to snuggle into him when we're watching TV or I'm reading a book. Most of all though, I actually think of taking him to bed. I have never felt that way about anyone in the past. When he's not around I do more than miss him, I ache to the point I can barely breathe. When I hear him or smell him I instantly feel happy and perk up. If he's not around I feel hollow and empty.

How can anyone feel like this about someone they are not in a relationship with I just don't understand. I want to ask him out, but the fear of things changing between us, the fear of rejection is just so big. I couldn't handle it if things got funny between us, I really couldn't. It's not what I want between us, but at least I have friendship with him. I pray every night that something between us will change, that he will ask me out, or kiss me or I have the guts to ask him if there was any way that he felt the same way as me.

He has never given me any indication that he has any romantic feelings towards me at all. We've talked about relationships in the past and he says he doesn't want one. I suppose that should be my cue to get over him, but I can't. I want him so much, every atom and neutron in my body cries out for him. I have written to him so many times about how I feel but yet I never have the guts to give it to him or email him.

I hate the way I feel and the fact I can't let him go, I wish I could more than anything else in the world. I don't want to feel like this any more (unless I know he feels the same way but since I'm never going to find that out, it's not worth thinking about).

Feelings, relationship and Trust pt 1

I don't like to use the Love word. I think it gets used to much in life when people don't really mean it or people don't really understand what it means, not to it's fullest.

I have never been in Love, I have never had (other than family) a loving relationship where the person I am with loves me back, I have never been touched by a man (other than kissing). The thought of being with someone so completely like that does scare me. Not sex itself, but being so close, to allow someone to get so close to you that they know you at your core. That scares me.

I've talked about this in my other blog, but a lot of the problem is not Love itself but Trust. I have trust issues and I don't trust easily.

What I really want to talk about though is that I need to get away from S, although we share a flat together, as much as possible I have to not see him, not talk to him, not smell him, not hear him. If I can get far enough away from him perhaps I can forget my feelings for him. Although he is the only guy I have ever thought about having sex with.

I like S so much, but he has never shown any interest in me in a romantic kind of way. This Christmas I bought him a gift, I did for him birthday and last Christmas, he's always got me something for Christmas and for my birthday. But this year, for what ever reason he didn't get me anything. I know Christmas is not about gifts but I thought out of everyone I know he would be the one person who would get me something, he's the only one that matters. It sounds so shallow of me, and so petty but it really hurts that he got me nothing, not even a card. My other flat mate didn't get me anything, but then he never had, but I thought S and I were different. It's just not doing me any favours having these feelings for him. It needs to stop.

If you know a pill that could make these feelings go away, please let me know. I hate them. I don't want them any more, I really don't.

review

2007 was spectacularly shit, I actually took up cutting and it was like meeting an old friend I hadn't seen in along time. I know that this friend could get me into a lot of trouble, but I had forgotten (not completely) how this old friend makes me feel better and helps me to cope when things are not going so well. This is the only way I cope with the shite that life threw at me last year. Cutting is very strange, it calms me down so quickly, looking at old scars you can tell in each round when I start to feel better because the cuts get smaller and lighter. I always sleep fantastically well after I've cut. That's now content it makes me feel.

Most people, while growing up, have a friend that their parents don't like and wish that you didn't hang around with. That's what cutting is to me, a friend who means so much to me and helps me in so many ways, but can get me into a lot of trouble, especially by those who know that I cut.

I still have not told my mother about the depression or the cutting this time around, nor have I told her that I'm about to undertake the psycho therapy. This does scare me but I know if I want to lead anything resembling a normal life, where I deal with things in a way that I don't cut then I need to do this. Saying that however I have been told that I may never give up the cutting. This could be with me for the rest of my life, something I don't relish but something I might have to accept. I had accepted that I would properly struggle with depression on and off for the rest of my life, but cutting I thought I had got rid off. Then it came back, it all came back.

So this year I have to work on the following

1. My Self Esteem - I come across as a really positive and confident person, but I'm not. I'm now where need these things. I constantly look for reassurance but hate being praised and I hate people giving me compliments. I also don't believe that I deserve happiness, I think that's why I don't tell S or even hint at him how I feel.
2. Friends - I have to stop taking it so personally when friends don't try and make the time to spend time together. I can only do so much before I give up. This Christmas I have decided that I will no longer run around after people like a little lost dog trying to spend time with people who obviously don't want to spend time with me. I give up. If they want to see me they can contact me. I just don't have the energy any more.
3. Mental Health - I will work hard this year to try and get better in the mental health department, I will try and be honest with the psycho team and my support network and deal with the stress' of life in a more constructive way. I have had some sessions with CMHT (community mental health team) and I wasn't exactly truthful with them, not was I truthful with my support network. CMHT asked me if I ever thought any further than cutting (ie ending my life), I told them I didn't. In truth although I would never do it seriously or even attempt it, I did wonder who would notice if I ended my life. Would it be hours, days, weeks or months before anyone noticed that I wasn't around any more. Who would really morn my death? Other than the family? I should have told them this but I just couldn't. But with the Psycho team I will need to tell them things like this so I can get all the help I need.
   
4. Trust - I will try and learn to trust people this year, I need to start taking risks by allowing people through my walls and let people in. I will not be easy and I may not like it to begin with but I have to start letting people in or else I really will walk this world alone.
5. Love - I need to open my heart to love and to let people know if I have feelings for them. I'm not saying what I feel for S is the L word, but I certainly have strong feelings for S and I miss him when he's not around, when he is around my heart beats fast, I get hot and sweaty and I get butterflies in my stomach. L is a word I will not use lightly and need to think a lot about.

So that's what I'm going to try and do for 2008.