Good bye to the old, hello to the new.

It's no secret that I find life hard, I have my ups and I have my downs. A comment happened today and it really got to me, got to me a lot more than it should have.  My mother was asked about being a grandmother.  My mother said it was unlikely that she would ever be a grandmother.  My sister apparently doesn't want kids, and me well it'll be a miricle if I ever get a guy.  It wasn't said like that but it was insinuated.

I want to be a mother, I look forward to the day I become a mother, but there are probelms with this.  When I do be come a mother I want to be married, I want to marry someone I love and I trust.  The problem I am afraid of being in a relationship.  I am afriad of all that goes with the relationship emosionally and physically.  I am 26, I've not been in any sort of relationship since I was 18.  I've never had sex.  I'm so afraid.  I'm afraid of never knowing a male touch, I'm afriad of never knowing love, I'm afraid I will never be a mother but most of all I'm afraid of being close to someone, sharing my life someone, that someone will know me so well that they know what I'm thinking, I'm afraid of change.

I want to be a mother, I want to know love, I want to have sex but I am so afraid of everything that it hinders me, it stops me going out there and meeting people and just living.  It's so stupid I know but I can't help who or what I am.  So what am I to do?  I'm so afriad that I will love so much and then they will leave because I am not good enough for them, because I can not satisfy them, that I can not be what they need.

I almost wrote a letter to santa, not because I believe in him, but because I believe that Christmas is a time of magic, that at Christmas anything can happen, so I almost wrote a letter to santa saying that next year all I wanted for Christmas 2007 is to find love, to loose all my inhibitions and to find someone I wanted to spend my life with, even if marriage never happened, I wanted to loose my inhibitions and my fear.  I wrote it but tore it up.  How dumb is that! To write a letter for something that can only happen if I actually do something about it.  I know that nothing in this world get's handed to you on a plate.  If you want something you have to go out and get it.  It will never just be given to you as Hollywood like to try and make us believe!  Things will only change when I make them change.

So here's to 2007 and things changing!

I know I don't post here often, 
but then again I feel most of the time 
I don't need to post here. 
On the whole I can post on my normal blog 
and everything is fine, 
but for some reason I can't post everything 
I want to post on that blog. 
I think it's because I've let too many people who 
*know* me know of this blog, 
and I can't post what I want to post there.

As a result this blog has tended to be very negative, 
and I'm afraid it ain't ever going to change. 
I like having this blog here to get rid of all my negative feelings. 
If you feel you can't read something  negative, 
tough luck.  
It ain't going to change.

My life has it's ups and downs, they all do I know that, I've excepted that.  
But because I've been depressed I tend to take things too seriously and too personally.  
I know I do but it still doesn't stop one from  feeling like crap when things go wrong.

For instance at the moment I just feel as though the world is going on around me and 
I'm looking in at the window wishing I was there.  
No matter how hard I try to get in and be apart of if, I just break the window and another window comes up in it's place and there I am again wishing I was part of the world I am looking in on through the window.  

I know I shouldn't complain.  
I do have a life, of sorts, granted 80% is based on the net through my role playing,
but I have a life,
I know many people don't have anything but the TV.  
I have more than that, but that doesn't keep you warm on a night,
can't hold you when you're crying,
can't cheer you up when you're feeling like shit.   
As much as I hate to admit it everyone, 
inclidng myself, 
needs someone, 
someone to hold, 
someone to share their life.  
What is that quote from 'About A Boy'?... I remember.... 'No man is an island'.   

It's true, and I hate it.  
No man is an island,
everyone needs something,
but how can you have something when something comes and fucks it up.  
I can't keep going like this, it's driving me nuts.  
I want a solid group of friends.    
I want to be apart of the world not looking in on it.  
I don't want to be pushed aside because I have faith,
because I have morals,
because I am single.  
Am I wrong for wanting this?  
Am I wrong to feel that at some point I should be important to some people,
as a friend,
as a human being?