Am I lost?

"I starting with the man in the mirror

I'm asking him to change his ways

And your message couldn't've been any clearer

If you want to make the world a better place

Take a look at yourself and make that change'

Man in the mirror - J2 feat Cameron The Public

I'm lost, I'm so lost and I don't know how to get back.... I don't know if I want to go back.  Oblivion is a place I would really like to be.  It is so inviting, somewhere I can get comfortable. I know I shouldn't, I do, but I am so tired, exhausted.  I have no map, no compass, and I'm not convinced I care.  The road I am on is comfortable, it's like going home.  I smile as I great old friends, recognising landmarks.  

This is a journey I take alone, for the first time in my life I take this journey alone and I am content with the likely outcome.  There is no fear, no pain, no confusion... just the journey.

One hour at a time, moving in a direction, never stopping, fighting doesn't work, all I can do it to keep moving in a direction.  Where that takes me, I can imagine, but that's where I am, it's what I'm doing.  No more fighting.

take a step back.

There are time in ones life when you should stop.  Look at your life, and work out if you like who you are, do you know who you are?  Do you like what you've become.

I've been doing that a lot lately, I'm not really sure why.

I have spent a number of year, since I finished therapy, trying to find my way in the world.  I change jobs so many times, trying to work out what I wanted, what I needed.  I moved to different areas, met new people, tried different things.  Pushing my comfort zone, looking for something, some meaning to help me to keep going.  I know that I am made for the single life, I don't do well around people for a long period of time.  I never have been.  People annoy me.  I can't think of anything worse than sharing my life with someone.  That I come home to an empty house, to do what I want to do, in the time I want is my saving grace.  I love it and it's what I need.

I have all that I have ever wanted, I live on my own, I can support myself. I have a social life.  I do voluntary work.  I am part of a wonderful parish.  I have a worth while job and am  making a difference in lives.

I should be content, I should be fine to glide through life until death.  Yet I never want to wake up, I hate waking up.  I want to stay asleep forever.  I am always tired.  I feel nothing. When a laugh it's not real, there are times I feel I should show some sort of emotion but I have no idea what.  

I just don't understand it.  I have everything I have been working towards for year.  Surely it should feel better than this.  Is this all there is to life, is this what the next 40 years is going to feel like.  If so, God please listen to me and let me die.  I can't do this.

I have spent so long creating this life of mine, I have no idea how to change it at this point.  I am too tired to even attempt to change it.... and I can't tell anyone, because this is my fault.  I thought this was what I wanted. I got what I wanted.  So why am I not content.  Why does it just.... I have no words to explain how I feel.  What it's like to wake up and know I have x amount of hours before I can sleep again and enter the oblivion.  Why can't I stay there!

My prayer tonight is for the strength to do what I need to do.