Crapola

I tried, I really did. I tried so hard to find the positives in my life. I want to be a positive person, I want to try and enjoy life, I want to not dwell on the shitty things that happen. I want to be normal. I know that life will always have it's ups and downs but I want to enjoy my ups and not worry so about the downs.

I really did try but it wasn't to be. My asthma is playing up, I've scared my flat mates stupid, S looks at me as if he's a rabbit in headlights! I've been stalked again freaking myself out, for no reason as it's all stopped now, I told S more than I should have done about how I'm feeling, and to top it all off my uncle has bowel cancer.

The thing is no-one in my family survives cancer. No One. I reckon he'll be dead within the next 12 months. I want to be positive but the chances of his survival is so slim. He was three children the youngest is 14. My uncle is 60, he also has two older son's in their 30s. A wife that loves him. And there is me. I have my sister who I don't have a relationship, a mother who once gone will mean I have no family. I don't have a partner, I don't have kids. Why couldn't I get it. It's not like I've got anything to loose while my uncle has everything to loose.

It's so unfair. I wish I could talk to someone about how I'm feeling but I can't because I've scared people enough as it is, how can I tell them all of this. How can I tell them that I would take it on if I could. I would die so he can live. I have nothing to live for, he has everything. How can I tell people that?!

I want to be a positive person, I do but how do I do that. Why can't I see the positive in my life, why do I keep finding the shittiness, how can I change the way I think and the way I feel. I don't deserve the life I have!

urg

Regardless how hard I try to stay on top of things.... it just never works out that way. I have worked so hard over the years to deal with my depression, to stop the overdosing and to stop cutting. A few months ago when I found myself almost cutting again I went to the doctors to seek help, I talked to my manager about it. I had taken so many leaps forward and was really impressed and proud of myself for dealing appropriately with all of this.

Now though, only a few months down the line, it's got worse. I've taken so many steps backwards it's weird. I actually did cut myself this time. I didn't even feel it as the blade went it. The blood came but no pain. This time however I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to go the the doctors, I don't want to talk to my manager about it. I don't want to do anything about it. I know, however, deep inside me I know, that I must face and deal with it all but I just can't and I don't want to. I want too pretend none of it happened, but it's hard when there are two marks on your arm showing the world what you've done. Currently I'm hiding them with long sleeves.