Few weeks on

All of the perfection nothing will and can be made

The old skin has to shed before the new one sees the day

Opportunities to find the deeper powers in ourselves

Comes when life is breathing and seems more than what it is

Go blindly completely"

Volbeat: Cape of Our Hero

So it's been a while since I've written anything.

I'm not depressed, or what I recognise as depressed, but I'm not manic either. This is strange within itself as for years I've either been one or the other. I have no middle ground. The meds are doing funny things to me, that is what I do know and all I know.

I was with my niece and nephew today and I love being with them but this weekend I could quite have easily gone home and not been with them. I wasn't annoyed at them, I just didn't want to be with them. I do have a trapped nerve at the moment so I'm in a lot of pain, but I've been in serious pain before and yet still want to be with my niece and nephew and still enjoyed every second with them.

I'm now at home and just want to sit and forget about the world for a while by watching a film. I went through me extensive (1000+) move collection and I couldn't face watching any of them because they would trigger me in one way or another. So I have no idea what I want to do.

I an always on the verge of crying but I never actually cry, perhaps a tear every now and then but no real crying. 

I want to bake, like really bake a lot of things, but I have no inclination to eat any of it.

I am managing to go to my social groups and I can get over hyped when I'm there, then I just seem to hit a point where they all annoy me and just want to go home and get away from them all, or shout at them how much they are idiots.

There are some days where I feel everyone wants things from me and I hate them for expecting me to do stuff. I mean really hate them. On the other hand I hate people for not asking me to do stuff, including going out for an evening.

I am so confused, I don't feel like myself, I don't recognise anything I'm going through and it annoys me, and terrifies me.

There are things i want to do to myself and I know I shouldn't but I'm so sick to death of feeling like this. I want to feel like me again. I want to recognise me again.

I want to sleep but I either get no sleep or if I do sleep it is plagued with nightmares. I can't even tell you what they are about because I don't remember a single bit of it. I just wake up with my heart pounding in my chest trying to get out, I struggle to catch my breath, my adrenaline is pumping through my body at an amazing rate and my entire body is just dripping with sweat, my body is boiling hot and I need a shower just to cool down.

I know I need to eat, but I resent the fact I have to so I just eat cereal. My mother invites me to hers to eat and I go otherwise she'll over worry about me, and be on my case. So I go to hers and force myself to eat but then I hate myself for eating something.

I am trying to not drink cherry coke (or any fizzy drinks) because my teeth are paying the price. The enamel on my teeth is slowing being eroded away, but I find it near impossible to do although I've told people I've not had any fizzy drinks in the house for 2 weeks. It's a lie. I'm sitting here now with a bottle of cherry coke (with a straw to try and help with the teeth issue) wanting to enjoy it, and I am, but I also feel unbelievably guilty for drinking it.

I keep hearing my past catching up with me 'you're useless' 'you have no place with us' 'you will never know what it means to be happy, and I pity you for that' 'your aspirations are set too high' 'you don't deserve to be here' 'why can't you just be normal' 'you're not worth dating' 'you're sick' 'just die' 'you're not normal in the head' 'you can't be loved, you're just wrong' 'youre fat' 'your'e ugly' .... all this and more just keep going round and round my head and it just suck right now.

I don't get to see my CPN for three weeks as she is on holiday, the Pdoc never seems to listen to me or seems to even care. He's meant to be this bigwig in the bipolar medical scene. He gives me the impression that he has this 'box' idea of what/who I am and just deals with all that. He doesn't actually listen to what I'm saying or do anything about how I'm feeling and what I tell him. My CPN isn't much better. Too busy interrupting me to actually hear me.

I want to have sex, like really have sex but I don't want anyone to touch me, let alone have sex. So I don't have sex and never have. I want to have sex and yet at the same time I don't want it. To be that close to someone, for someone to see me and be with me is not something I ever want.

I am full of contradictions, always have been and I don't think it's ever going to change. I use to be content with my lot in life, with the highs and the lows. The self harming and suicide attempts, the mania and all that goes with it. Now I don't know. I don't know if I want this as my life. I don't know if it will ever get better.

STOP THE WORLD I WANT TO GET OFF. This is also the closest I will ever tell anyone everything that I feel or don't feel. I struggle to ask for help or open up to real people.

Didn't expect this.

Today has not been the greatest of days. 

I had 8 hours of sleep which was amazing, I've not slept like that in months.  It was peaceful, I did dream but for the life of me I couldn't not tell you what I have been dreaming about.  I think that 8 hours of sleep has been my only positive for me.

Today I started off being really dizzy and as the day went on I had dizzy spells, it was like I had no balance.  I would be walking and then veering off in one direction or another.  When I stood up, sat down or moved my head too quick the world would spin.  This subsided as time went on but my head would spin at random times through out the day, which has made me feel more than a little nauseous.   So I haven't eaten much today.  

I have also been crying on and off today.  Not so much full on sobbing, but I have had no controls of the tears that having been coming out of my eyes, so I am exhausted.  At the best of time I hate crying and avoid it as much as I can, but this has been uncontrollable and am thankful that nobody could see me or hear me.

I'm hoping that another good nights sleep will help me to get more in control of my feelings and my reactions.

But on the other hand I do feel calmer.  My body is more relaxed, I am thinking slower but it makes more sense, I feel like I can cope with anything and stay calm and relaxed.  I don't think I have ever felt this was before.  I think this is good but it's odd.  It's like I'm missing part of me.  I'm neither hyper nor am I depressed, I just am.  I'm sure I'll get use to this, but I do feel like I'm a different person.  Which one is me,  this one or the other one.  I have to learn to function as this person, to see the world as this person, interact with people.... in some ways I'm a toddler learning about the world again.

On top of all of that I think I have an ear infection in both ears.  

Week 1

For longer than I can put my finger on I have always had horrible mood swings.  Either I am hyper active or I am depressed.  When I am hyper active I would spend too much money and get into debt, I would go out and be overly social and meet lots of people, join lots of groups and volunteer for things.  I could do my household chores but not nescessarily in one go.  I would put a wash on then start on the washing up, get half way through that and decide that my bedroom would need cleaning, then part way through decide I needed to sort out my kitchen cupboards and so on and do forth.  It would take a long time for me to complete any job I completed, and I am talking a days not hours.  I wouldn't really sleep, may a few hours every few days.  People liked me when I was like this, I was happy and a joy to be around.  Although, as I got more hyper people would ask if I was on something, or if they could take what I was on because I just didn't stop, ever!  I would also get cranky and become very sarcastic and people would struggle with that, but I never saw an issues I would just carried on going.  When I was really hyper I would start cutting myself to bring me down a bit.

Then I would, what I termed, crash.  This is when I got into a depressed state.  I would not want to get out of bed, I would sleep all the time, I would eat very little and loose a lot of weight.  I would not socialise unless I absolutely had too, I wouldn't wash, I wouldn't do any house hold chores, I hated talking to people, I would just shut down.  I would also start cutting myself a lot to bring my mood up.  It would help me get up in the morning to go to work or do what ever job I needed to do.

I of course dealt with this in the only way I knew how, I would but myself when I could, sometimes take an overdose of painkillers and alcohol to get high, I would change jobs, I would move house, I would break of friendships and acquaintances.  I would do near enough anything other than deal with what ever was going on.

I was told I had depression, I would take antidepressants but was never convinced they would work.  I went through Cognitive Analytical Therapy (CAT) for 24 weeks and helped me a lot and for a while, although I still went up and down, I didn't hurt myself in ways.  But I still changed jobs and moved around then things got too much.

These mood swings got worse, then this year was a bad year.  I was hyper at the beginning of the year, got all my work done, was sociallising, was even a head of myself on the paper work.  Until in March/April I attempted suicide but failed.  I just ended up vomiting all night.  I was so angry and upset the next day that I was horrible to work with.  A friend cornered me and asked what was wrong, I said to them 'I shouldn't be here, I should have died' and walked off.  She watched as over the following months I withdrew from people and started to shut myself down.  She became worried, what she didn't know what that I was planning another attempt and that I was self harming.  All she knew what that I had attempted and failed a suicide attempt and that I was shutting myself down.

She got worried and told our management what she knew.  She was not wrong to do this, but I was not ready to acknowledge the place I was at.  So I was forced to.  I went through a suspension, I went to the doctor, who refereed me to the Community Mental Health Team (CMHT).  I was put on citalopram and went as high as a kite.  I was so hyper it was funny.  Then I crashed as didn't get out of bed.  So I was put on mirtazapine so that I could sleep, it has a sedative affect.  For three days I got 10 hours sleep a night.  More than I had in three months, and then I went hyper again and this was intense.  I couldn't sit still for more than 1 minute, I couldn't concentrate on any conversation more than a minute.  I would walk for three or four hours to try and burn off my energy.  Then I crashed and I wanted to die.  It was horrible.  So I was given an emergency appointment with the CMHT and was a psychiatrist and Community Psychiatric Nurse (CPN).

The initial report they sent me was full of inaccuracies of the conversation we were having that I didn't believe I had been there in the room.  I honest didn't think I had been there.  It was crazy so I started to doubt this team.  Still, because I knew I had to, I carried on going to see the CPN.  She talked me through things and gave me a mood questionnaire to fill in.  It was 15 pages long but I filled it in.

The psychiatrist looked over the questionnaire, the conversations we had had, the edits to the report I had made, and with the notes my CPN had made from our sessions.  It was decided that I have Bipolar Disorder.

This is a big diagnosis and life changing. I was put on quetiapine but I had a bad reaction to that.  Although it made me very tired to the point I could barely move I could not sleep.  Then I hallucinated all night that something was licking me. It was a horrible, horrible night.  So now I am on lamotrigine which has calmed me down.  I can now sit still, I can concentrate for longer periods of time and the need to talk has decreased.  I am defiantly calmer.  My sleep has doubled from 1.5 - 2 hours a night to 3-4 hours a night, but I am more tired.  I doze during the day because I can't keep my eyes open, but I don't sleep.  I usually doze after I take my medication.  I am on 25mgs at the moment but as of Christmas Day it gets doubled to 50mgs.  I see my psychiatrist in January for a more complete conversation about what it means to Bipolar and how best to manage it. 

I don't know how soon I will return to work, if I go back full time or if I go part time or just find a new job.  I just don't know.  Right now I need to think about what I need to control my Bipolar and how to mange this condition.  It is something that will never go away, I have to learn to live with it and it scares me stupid.

It will be interesting to see what the new year brings.  

This is end of week 1 since my diagnosis and being on medication.

Ruby

"No antibiotic can save us now

We are the virus that we talk about

It's like a bullet in the head

It's an S.O.S"

S.O.S - Take That

So it's been a while and I have to say that the place I am now is now where I had hoped I would be.  A few months back I moved into a small flat on my own. I love being on my own more than anything else in the world I love it.  I love the freedom, I love the isolation of it.  However, the problem I am coming across is that my health is not good at the moment.

Apart from the joys of depression which I must battle with each and every day of my life I am now suffering from something that is causing Chronic Fatigue.  It started before I moved into my own place, must be about two years ago.  I started to need more than my four hours sleep.  It crept up on me slowly but surely until about I year ago I noticed that unless I have eight hours sleep a night I was really tired.  I remember commenting on it at work and how I couldn't understand how people functioned on having to loose so much time to sleep. How did anyone get anything done? This made my colleagues laugh and that was that.  However, that eight hours turned into ten, into twelve, into fourteen until its now at a point where I set an alarm so I don't sleep more than ten hours.  As tired as I am all the time I still have things to do and spending over half the day asleep does not help matters.  I went to the doctor about this and he was baffled so has sent me to many specialist, and now waiting to see a Chronic Fatigue specialist.  The words ME/CFS are being banded about. I have researched what these are and I'm not really excited about this diagnosis but if it's what I've got, I will have to deal with it.... I suppose.

Work is driving me crazy nuts.  As a teacher, I want the best for my students and want them to flourish, but regardless what I do, what I put into place, the powers that be just destroy everything. It makes me wonder what the point is to plan and prepare anything if they are going to screw everything up anyway.  I am currently looking for new work, especially if I have ME/CFS as there is no flexability in my work hours and we don't get normal school holidays.  It means that I have LONG stresful terams and it's not doing me any favours.  I have learnt that it doesn't matter what it right for my students as long as the director gets her own way regardless how right or wrong that is.  I can't leave as they have me over a barrel, I have no teaching quals, they can't afford to send me on my teaching quals so as a result I can't get another teaching job. I can't even get a job on the same salary I am now, and I need this salary so I can continue to live on my own.  So I'm screwed, so now I refuse to get upset at work, refuse to fight any more. I will just bow down to the powers and let them destroy my class and blame me for doing it.  After all what's the point in caring.

I am also cutting again, and it feels great.  This time this blog is the only place I will admit this is what I am doing.  I have realised that there is no one in my life I can trust this too. They want me to stop or they freak out and start smothering me or trying to force me to stop or want to check on me every single day and I don't want that.  I just want to cut and enjoy it and all that it brings.  I honestly don't care where it ends up.  I have missed my friend and embarrass his return with joy.  I savour each moment and each feeling it offers me. 

I. Hate titles

So I started to feel better after my cut-a-thon so I told a couple of people I trust about what I had done. I though it would make me feel better it didn't I now feel worse than I did before. I am now cutting more, I think about it constantly and the fact I can't cut for most of the day it puts me in a bad mood.

So what happened to me in the course of a few hours has not helped my mood in any way shape or form.

I had a dermatologist appointment at 4pm. Didn't get seen until 4.45. At this point I know that I won't make the team meeting at 5pm which will get me into trouble as I missed last month's due to a dermatologist appointment. As a result if I missed today's I will get slapped with a non compliance/disciplinary. I get out at 5 from the hospital so I bombed it over to work for two minutes of the meeting. Not amused. There are other people who have missed way more meetings than me and yet they got off scott free (the one-rule-for-me-one-rule-for-you syndrome at.wirk is out of hand). So I now wasted such petrol its crazy.

The doctor basically admitted to me that me has no idea what is wrong with my skin. He was surprised when I told him the original location (which I have many times). He scratched his head and told me he would refer me to a different department and couldn't understand why I had been reffered to him. He recommended things which if he.bothered to read my notes he would have know the doctors had done everyone of.thise things. So he gave me some antihistamines which the doctor gave me at the beginning of my issues ten months ago. I told him they don't work but he gave them to me anyway. Git.

I have also lost my annual leave because some idiot decided to turn my sick days (which we don't get paid for) into annual days. So I have basically been forced into taking annual leave back in October. I am exhausted. I need some time off. I think I am getting my teaching quals then get a job in a location that actually gives a fuck about their staff although that seems to be a think of the past. These days it's all about squeezing the last drop of blood and sweat out of their staff. To hell with anything else.

Everything pisses me off at the moment and I can't cope with it. I know what I'm doing tonight.

Update

Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel

Like you're less than, less than perfect.

Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel

Like you're nothing you're fucking perfect to me.

Fucking Perfect: Pink

So it's been a while since I've last posted and my God a lot's changed.  Shortly after losing my job and my home, I moved back in with Mam.  It was tough to begin with but we've made it work, and got really use to each other and our peculiar little ways again.  Shortly after I moved in with Mam, I went to the doctors and asked if I could be put on Anti-depressents, and they did, with out any hesitation.  So I've been on them since mid April, and I have to say I'm doing really well on them.  The only side effect I really have with them is my neverending appitate, so I'm going to ask the doctors to help me out and give me something to stop it.

One of the major advatages of moving in with Mam, is that I'm closer to my niece and get to see a lot more of her.  She is now 19 months old and is a little wizard on her feet and often gets herself into pickles because she likes to climb up but can never climb down and get's stuck.  She keeps us on our toes.

In August I got a job after six months unemployment.  Now it's only 22.5 hours a week but still it's better than not working.  I am a Learning Support Assistant (LSA) for a college for Adults with Server Learning Difficulties.  I'm loving it.  Totally and completely.

I also past my Hypnotherapy course and in the new year I will be getting my insurance so I can finally make my business a reality.  At the moment everything is just thearetical and I'm just waiting to get things finialised.  I'm hoping that with this business that I can earn enough to either move out of Mams or safe up a deposit so I can buy a place of my own.

Toska (my tortoise) is forever growing and is even bonding with my niece, and she with him.  It's brilliant.  When I finally die in many decades, I can will him to her and she should take him on.  It'll be awesome.

I have joined a local am-dram group and have done three plays so far and am working for the third one and am also trying to sort out dirrecting for another one later on in the season.  I've been doing sound for all the other shows, so it'll be interesting taking that leap and going for directorship.

So life is looking up.  I'm stable.  I may not be happy (not that I know what that looks like), but I'm doing okay.

Dogged A Bullet

I've had a swollen and very painful right breast for a few months today, when the pain got too bad I went to the doctors.  Today I had my appointment at the breast care clinic.

It all came back clear, I have a fatty deposit which is causing pain.  I have to take evening primrose for the next few months.

However, is it bad that I wish I had been told I had cancer.  I want to give up, but I don't want the world to see that I've given up.  At least with cancer I can have it, make it look like I'm fighting but really, inside I'm allowing it to kill me.

How bad a person am I!!!!

Creaper

"I may seem crazy
Or painfully shy
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden
If you would just look me in the eye
I feel alone here and cold here
Though I don't want to die
But the only anaesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside."

Cut: Plumb

As part of my new job I must sit though half hour to an hour of silent prayer.  Anyone who has known me since my birth knows that trying to sit still for that long is not good for me.  I brought this up with my boss' and they were unsympathetic.  I told them that I boarder on having hyperactivity/ADHD/ADD, as a result I don't sit still for long and I can't concentrate on one thing at a time.  I have to be doing a number of things at once, so I wondered if it was possible for me to take in some music during this time to help me out with this and allow me to pray in a way that I know works for me.  I was rejected.  So I told them there would be a price to pay and as long as their willing to deal with that so be it.

Well the price has come.  I am once again dealing with Insomnia, which isn't too bad really, I'm getting a lot more writing done which is nice.  The bad part though is that my depression is trying to worm itself back into my life.  I have found myself drinking more, and taking my pain medication (even though I don't need it) with a bit of alcohol just so I can get a bit of a buzz.  I'm not getting high, not really, just enough so I can make it through the night.  I haven't started cutting though which is nice.  I find more and more though that I struggle to be happy and nice to people.  Most days I would be quite happy to kill most people I'm around, which is never good when you live and work within community.  I have also found that the only way I can be 'calm' during silent prayer is to start banging my head against the wall.  I didn't realise I was doing it to begin with but now I find it most comforting.  I know it's not a good sign though.

I also find myself pulling away from people, and spending more and more time on my own.  I don't want to be around people.  I recognise the road I am on but really not sure what I need to do to stop this.  I tried talking to someone about what's going on in my head, but she freaked out and found it hard to deal with so I'm not going to be talking to her again.  Not like the way she thinks I will be.

I know the road I'm on, how do I get off thought?

Cancer

I have had these marks on my breast area for some time, and a few months ago I went to the doctor to have them sussed out. I was scared they were cancer. She didn't know what they were and told me to go without a bra as often as I can. So I did. Over the last month two of these marks have changed colour and shape. I got a wee bit concerned all over again. So I went to the doctors this morning. He told me they were warts. Nothing to worry about and that eventually my body would get rid of them naturally.

The thing is when I was depressed, I couldn't kill myself. I just didn't have the guts. So instead I prayed for Cancer. No one in my family (on either side) has ever survived this disease, so I thought this would be a great way out. It would look like I'm fighting, but really I would die. These day's, although I still have bad days, I don't want life to end. When I thought I had skin cancer I was scared, I was scared that my prayers (of old) had been answered. I really don't want to die. I want to live. Yes, I wish my life was different, and that I was more content with my life but these are areas I can work on. I pray each day that I can be content and that God will show me what I need to do, and I pray that I can place myself in God's hands and his plans for me, and I pray that I have the courage to go through with what he's asking of me. I don't want to die, and I certainly don't want cancer.

I have to have blood tests anyway because I can't seam to wake up lately. Anytime night or day, I could happily fall asleep so the doctors are checking my blood and urine to see if my thyroid, kidney and liver are all working correctly. I have the blood taken next week, then it's five working days for the results. In the meantime I have to struggle to stay awake. I really don't think I can cope if there is something really wrong with them. It would be my own fault from all the ODing I did at uni. I really would have no one to blame but myself. What have I done?

Body update

I am feeling better. I spent the entire weekend in bed, having many, many hot baths. Hot lemony drinks, ODing on vitimin and mineral tablets. Eating so much fruit it was un heard off.

Unfortunalty though I did not manage to go up to see my sister. Apparently all the approriate "aww" "hope she feels better soon" was made and then they went out to lunch.

I'm having half day at work today, and seeing if I feel up to going into London later on today.

We have snow here today, which is not fantastic me, especially since my immune system is down anyway, the chances of me getting the flu again, or a cold or worse still a chest infection are significantly increased. We'll have to see. The next few days should be interesting.

In the meantime I must get back to work and finish off this report or else I'm never going to get a job.

Flu

I appoligise that I've not posted sooner, but I have had flu. I'm awake for an hour then sleep three. The worse part is that I'm meant to be visiting my sister today. But I really don't think I'm up to it.

As soon as I'm awake for more than an hour, I will post, I promise.

Dress size

A friend got me thinking about dress size. So here's my rant and outlook on it.

I used to be a UK dress size of 22, proberbly closer to 23. This is BIG. I hated school and hid in chocolate, hence the massive weight gain. Up until that point I was a fairly small lass, as I was hyper active so gaining weight was hard for me. Keeping it off was easy. The secondary school happened. I hated it and ate.

The more I ate, the more weight I put on. The more weight I put on the more miserable I was, the more I ate. The more I ate.... you get the point. So I ballooned.

Trying to buy clothes in the mid 90's when you're that big and a teenager was a nightmare. They were either frumpy and old looking or they were maternity clothing. Either way they didn't look good. I did once find some stylish clothes for the "outsized" women, as we were called. Price tag £90+ per garment. I couldn't pay that sort of money for clothes, even if I could afford it, I refuse to fork out that sort of money on one item of clothing.

Just before my 18th birthday I became really ill. I couldn't eat. I was in constant pain. I kept being sick. In a month I went from a dress size 22 down to a 16. It was the best part of a year before I could eat properly.

Since then I have been ballooning out between 14 & 16, also depends what shops I go into to what size I ware.

Today in 2005, "Outsized" women are beginning to find stylish clothes at affordable prices. Which I feel is a fantastic step forward. But most shops do not tend to stock clothes that are for those over size 16, supposesly. I went into a shop picked up a 14. To small. Picked up a 16 and there is no way in God's Green Earth that I was going to fit in that garment. I had lost weight, and was looking to buy smaller clothes. I left the shop as they only went up to a 16. They refuse to stock anything larger. I reckon there 16 was only a 12 though.

Why can't a 16 be a 16 regardless what shop you walk in to?

I read somewhere than the average size of women in the UK is 16. I did on of those IBM things, and my opimum weight is 9.5 stone. I currently weight 10.5 Stone. I only need to lose a stone, but even then I still won't get down to a 12, which is what most clothing stores cater for. If I decided that I wanted to be a size 12 I would be underweight and I would look shocking because I do have big bones. My wrist bone is bigger than my mothers or my sisters and they are both size 12s. There is no way I will ever be a size 12 and healthy. Remember how Geri Halliwell looked when she became ridiculously thin. I do and she looked ill. She did not look health. Well that's how I would look should I ever decided to become that thin.

But the facts remain. If you are a 14-16 or bigger you are made to feel fat by society which is unfair. I am happy with my weight. (Of course I want the smaller bum, thighs and stomach but I think most people want that), but considering how big I used to be, I'm happy with my weight. There are many people around me who are not happy and want me to lose weight, you here the comments and the glares as you past people.

I am not fat. I'm only a stone heavier than my IBM, although who decides what's good and what's bad?! There was a woman who has big, but she ran the London Marathon and was healthier than many around her. Thin is not always beautiful or healthy.

illness

I have this illness called Asthma, and although I try very hard for it not to rule my life. It does. I'm kidding myself if I say it doesn't. I fight very hard for it not to rule my life but if does.

I hate asthma. The other day I went to the cinema to see a film, just over two and a half hours long, towards the end though I really had to pee. As I walked out the cinema I cought someone's perfume, and started wheezing, along with the air conditioning they put in cinemas (why put in on in the middle of winter... it's beyond me!) I had a full blown attack. I had to walk back into the screen so I could find my bag with my inhaler in, and then had to walk out, past perfume lady, and find somewhere to take my inhaler. At this point the other screens where coming out, so I felt like a plonker. A realy plonker!

I hate asthma. I have to be so carful, make sure I carry around all three inhalers, make sure I don't get cold and wet, or if I do I don't stay that way long, incase I get a chest infection. A few years ago, I had a really bad attack, couldn't find my inhalers and as a result, I died. I remember the whole experience. I was looking down at myself on the floor, while the other three around me tried to get me to hand on until the ambulence arrived. Needless to say, I've survived, unless of course I'm a ghost!

I would do anything not to have asthma.