Suicide and me

If you hate the world around you.

And you hate everything that you see.

And if what you see makes you happy,

Then fuck off cause we're all out of time.

So follow me.

Suicide Silence- Fuck Everything

I have attempted suicide a number of times before. Needless to say I have failed each time, and each time I failed part of me died a little more because it was yet another thing I failed at.  A number of times each year I think about taking my own life, how I'm going to do it, what I leave behind. I write a note that tells my family what I think, how I feel and who gets once.  I always keep it until the next time I think about taking my own life, then I tear it up and write a new one.  

I have known a number of people who have taken their lives and wish to God it was me rather than them who had died.  I hate them because they managed to do something I failed at, I then hate myself for failing to do something that would make everything better and ultimately it sends me into a downward spiral.

The death of Robin Williams is no exception.  Depression is a debilitating illness which I fight each day and yet if I try and get help, if I try to talk to anyone I am told that I need to have a Positive Mental Attitude or that I just need to buck up and get over it.  If I broke my leg people would offer to help me, if I had cancer I'd have people tripping over themselves to help me out.  I say something about Depression, and I get told I'm broken, that I need to buck up and that I should just get over it.

I envy Robin Williams, I wish I could successfully take my own life.  I know that there is not much that could have changed Robin's mind.  He made a decision and he ran with it.  A suicidal person can not be watched 24/7.  If someone wants to take their own life they will find a way.  Some people will get angry at Robin because they don't understand, some people will be sad because they won't get to see anything more, there are others who will say he's selfish.  Some people will pity him because he felt that this action was the only action left to him.  I, on the other hand, hope he has found peace and if he can hear me can he please hold me and give to the strength to follow him.

It doesn't matter how great things are, or how bad things are or even how mundane everything is, I don't want to be here. I don't want to breath. I don't want to wake up in the morning. 

I just want to stop.

He's back!

Speak to me friend.
Whisper...
I'll listen.
I know, I know you've been locked
out of sight
all these years, like me
My friend...

You there my friend
Come let me hold you.
Now, with a sigh, you grow warm in my hand.
My friend!
My clever friend...
Rest now, my friends.
Soon, I'll unfold you.
Soon you'll know splendours
You never have dreamed
all you days,
my lucky friends
'Til now your shine was merely silver.
Friends, you shall drip rubies, you'll soon drip precious... rubies

I finally worked it out.  It doesn't matter how much I fight the depression, it doesn't matter how hard I try to keep myself well and a part of 'normal' society, the depression will always win because I will always get screwed over.  I will always get dragged down and I will always be pathetic, always there for people to walk over me and let me know just how worthless I am, so it really doesn't matter. I don't need to fight. I just let the depression take over and let it take me.  It doesn't matter.

For the first time in four years I cut. It was amazing. I have missed him. I will have more.... and who the fuck care, I sure as hell don't.

How I have missed this feeling!

"Yeah, You could be the greatest
You can be the best
You can be the king kong banging on your chest
You could beat the world
You could beat the war
You could talk to God, go banging on his door"

Wall of Fame: The Script

A few months ago I hurt my arm/shoulder. It's very painful and it's only recently I have managed any sort of real movement, but it will hurt me terribly if I move in the wrong way or suddenly.  It has been very painful for so long.  I went to the doctors a few weeks back who refereed me to the physio.  The physio has a look at it and wasn't too sure what was wrong but suspected it was a rotate (?) cuff problem. Gave me some exercises to help. Well the pain got worse! Couldn't believe it could but it has. So talking with a physio who visits work he said that if the pain was bad I need to go back to the doctors. So I am trying to get an appointment.  However talking to the physio, I mentioned I had some tramadol which I took for my back pain.  He said if I needed to I should take it.  So I am.  I'd forgotten just how amazing I feel on this stuff.

Hopefully I can become the productive person I used to be.

mnplah

I don't know weather it's the pain in my arm, or the painkillers & anti-inflammatory mix I'm taking for the pain, but I feel like crap.  I want to just crawl into a corner and just cry and pretend that the world doesn't exist.  Although I can't feel the pain, I know the pain is there because I'm in a really crappy mood, I have no patience, I want to scream at everyone and just stab a knife in them telling them to get the fuck out of my face... and they are the one's who say hello to me.  Can you imagine what it'll be like for those who really piss me off?

I just wish I knew what the hell I was feeling and why!