Aftermath.

Traditionally, after I cut myself, I tell someone I trust what has happened. I do this as a check for myself. To ensure I get my head into gear, to stop me cutting too much and to ensure I get help if I need. The other night was no exception. I'm very 'safe' when I cut.

l Steralise the area, I steralise my blade, I have warm water ready, bandages, cotton wool.... l cut to feel better not to make me ill.

So I found two people I trust, I told them what I did. We chatted. It was meant to help. For the first time it didn't, now I want (need) to cut again + again! I have only one place I cut. 1 have my ritual, my process. It works, or at least it did. I want to cut, I want a new place to cut. One I've not told anyone about. One that is mine + Mine alone.

l need to cut. Not sure what I can do? Don't want scores anywhere else. One location is enough.

I gave in....

.... and what a joy. My rubies are back.

For fucks sake.... I've had enough now.

My life can do one right now.  

A week ago a very, very drunk man tried to break into my flat, then tried to steal my bike.  I called the police who picked him up and took him home.  As a result of this I lock my house up as tight as I can. I have found myself getting really nervous about the smallest of noises. So I have locked everything I possibly can and actually moved things in the way of doors just so I can get a few hours sleep.

It's insane how one person can really effect how you view life, and break the safety of your own home. He didn't do anything except made me a little scared.  I wasn't hurt, nothing was broken... I'm being really silly and I know I am but I can't help it.

On top of all that a woman at work is making life as hard as possible.  I try and be nice to her, I try and do what I can to help her out at work, and yet she is a back stabbing bitch who just plays mind games and trys to fuck everything up.  She has been bullying a colleague for months and work have done absolutely fuck all about it, because as usual they don't give a flying fuck about their staff.  I hate going to work but I can't leave, I'm stuck there with no way out because I can't afford a pay cut without loosing the place I live or getting a lodger.

There is a lot of press at the moment saying that there should be more money put into the metal health sector... that's fine, but how about support for those of use who are desperately trying to keep our lives together, to be normal and all the time our brains are screaming at us, tell us that we're crap that life isn't worth living and the best thing for us is to just die.  Where is our support.  Currently if I try and get to a counsellor I have to wait 10 weeks until I see a counsellor and then all I get is 6 sessions, IF I want something more substantial I would have to wait seven months!!! In that time I could have done anything and no one gives a shit.

I do love the idea of just ending it all, and I really wish I could.  I don't want to live anymore, I really don't but I haven't got the courage to try and kill myself... not that I'm any good at that. Four attempts and each one has failed.  I wouldn't be able to do it right now, even if I tried.  I suck at everything, so in the meantime my life can fucking do one, the people in my life can fucking do one.... whilst I try and find the courage to do the one thing I really want to do.

Die!

Suicide and me

If you hate the world around you.

And you hate everything that you see.

And if what you see makes you happy,

Then fuck off cause we're all out of time.

So follow me.

Suicide Silence- Fuck Everything

I have attempted suicide a number of times before. Needless to say I have failed each time, and each time I failed part of me died a little more because it was yet another thing I failed at.  A number of times each year I think about taking my own life, how I'm going to do it, what I leave behind. I write a note that tells my family what I think, how I feel and who gets once.  I always keep it until the next time I think about taking my own life, then I tear it up and write a new one.  

I have known a number of people who have taken their lives and wish to God it was me rather than them who had died.  I hate them because they managed to do something I failed at, I then hate myself for failing to do something that would make everything better and ultimately it sends me into a downward spiral.

The death of Robin Williams is no exception.  Depression is a debilitating illness which I fight each day and yet if I try and get help, if I try to talk to anyone I am told that I need to have a Positive Mental Attitude or that I just need to buck up and get over it.  If I broke my leg people would offer to help me, if I had cancer I'd have people tripping over themselves to help me out.  I say something about Depression, and I get told I'm broken, that I need to buck up and that I should just get over it.

I envy Robin Williams, I wish I could successfully take my own life.  I know that there is not much that could have changed Robin's mind.  He made a decision and he ran with it.  A suicidal person can not be watched 24/7.  If someone wants to take their own life they will find a way.  Some people will get angry at Robin because they don't understand, some people will be sad because they won't get to see anything more, there are others who will say he's selfish.  Some people will pity him because he felt that this action was the only action left to him.  I, on the other hand, hope he has found peace and if he can hear me can he please hold me and give to the strength to follow him.

It doesn't matter how great things are, or how bad things are or even how mundane everything is, I don't want to be here. I don't want to breath. I don't want to wake up in the morning. 

I just want to stop.

Quandary

"You think that I'm strong,
You're wrong, you're wrong."
Robbie Williams Strong

A few years back I wrote a short story about a young lady who was in a psychiatric hospital. She struggled to be there, she was restraint, she got angry... all sorts of things, that looking back at it now was just how I was feeling about my life. It was how I wish I could act, how I wish people would treat me.

I recognise those feelings in me today, years after the story was written. Years after I honestly believed I put that all behind me. I spend all my time at work wishing I could trash the place in tears, people.forcing me to stop, me hitting and hurting as many people as possible. Running out of work and people.chasing me, holding me down, trying to calm me down.

I am really sick. Physically and mentally. I'm not sure I want to fight. I'm not sure I have the energy. I'm really beginning to believe that death is better that what I am feeling now. I just need courage. I don't want to keep talking about the end of my days, I don't want to keep fantasizing.about things that will never happen. I don't want someone to help.me focus on a future that probably never come true, never come to fruition.

I believe that death might be the only option. All I need now is.for God to give me the courage tobtake the pills and numb the pain. Forever.

Let me go

Wish I could be
Perfectly free
Wish I was a creep
Wish I'd make you bled
Cos it's a beautiful day
In a magical place
Beautiful lives
Perfect and strange
Beautiful days
In a magical place
New dreams are born
New creeps have come
Beautiful Days: Venus

I think I am in real trouble, the problem is what to do about it.

I have depression, this is common knowledge. What isn't is how much I must face and fit it on a regular basis. I have such terrible thoughts of how I see myself, of what I would like to do to myself and sometimes to other people. These are thoughts I am use to, these are thoughts I deal with daily.

They are getting worse. Not about what I would do to others, but to do to myself. There are a number of truths about me that I have come to accept
1. I will never know what it will be like to have sex
2. I will never know what it is to be a parent
3. I will never have close friends, only friends who I see occasionally
4. I will always be a negative person, my depression is to strong for me to be anything else
5. Regardless how ill I am with any other illness, my depression will always get blamed
6. I will always be lonely

The other night I found myself dreaming. I haven't done that for a while. It's not the first time I have had this dream and it certainly won't be the last. I dreamt that I had a complete breakdown, that I went off the rails, I got stoned and went to work. I told my boss to fuck off and that she is a heartless bitch who will get her comeuppance when people realised that the project she runs is barely legal.  I then decided to drive on the motorway the wrong way. I got pulled over by the police and tried to start an argument  with them, hitting out when I could. I got sectioned and I enjoyed it. I woke up really wanting to give it all a go and see if I could totally fuck up my life.

My life at the moment consists of sleeping between 10-13 hours a night and then going to work and starting the cycle again. Two nights a week I go and try and do something but it has to be said that it wipes me completely to do it. I am becoming a hermit because it's all I can cope with.

So I find as time moves onwards, I want to breakdown, I want to be hospitalised. Hell, in truth I want to dead, I'd be better of dead, my organs can go to those who want to live. I just haven't got the courage to die, I wish I did but I don't.  I really need to break about now, a break from reality, a break from being me, a break from breathing.

The worse part is the fact I know I am wasting the life The Lord gave me. He wishes us to do good on Earth, to be loving to one another, to love ourselves... I can't do any of this. All I can do is pray each night that the sun doesn't rise on me again, that I can just fade away from existence and from memory.

I know that I am going to become a danger to myself, and I want it to happen. I want logical me to back of and let the depression take over my life, allow me to crumble, allow me to fade away from existence and memory. I want to scream at the world tell it to stop cos I really want to get off it now.

I don't know what to do, where to go. As with so much I am limbo and there is nowhere for me to go.