How?

Whenever I lay me down to sleep

I pray the Lord your soul to keep

And bring you home safe to me, for ever darling

Do I love you?

Do I love you?

Do I love you?

Do I love you (Indeed I do) - Frank Wilson

Anyone who has known me for any length of time know that I truly believed I was made to be single.  It's part of my make up and I made peace with that a long time ago and made a life accordingly, never having to think about another person etc.

However, with CD, entering my life things have changed.  I have turned into one of those ridiculous people who just go gaga thinking about him, who smiles when their phone goes and just can't wait until I see him.  I can't get over how different I am and how I see things differently.

I have been to the doctor to talk about contraception, not that I've acted on it but I have actually started talking and seriously thinking about sleeping with this guy.  It's been a long time since I have felt sexually attracted to someone.  It scares me how real this could be, I am desperately trying to not freak myself out, to take my time but not drag my heals.  I am taking stock of my feelings and moving accordingly.  I am hoping that I can take the next step without completely freaking myself or him out.

How quickly can you fall in love? I have real feelings for him and they are intense.  So much so I do keep freaking myself out with all of it, and thinking about it all.  I am trying not to rush into anything too quickly after all we've only known each other 5 weeks, dated for 3 of those.  We talk every single day, and try and see each other as often as we can which is hard.  We're quite a distance from each other, he works shifts, only gets one weekend off in three and he has a daughter to see.  It makes it hard but it's so worth the effort.

There are times I feel I am being over cautious, there are times I feel overwhelmed and things are going to fast.  However, CD knows when I'm freaking out and allows me to just do what I need to do.  He looks at me and tells me how cute I am when I freak out.  Then he kisses me and everything just fades away, the important thing is he's allowing me time and space to work stuff out.

I told him I had never slept with anyone and he's never pushed me or brought the subject up.  He said he wouldn't push me, but when I'm ready there is a bed waiting.  He is happy though to just spend time with me and allow me to work through what it is I need to do.   He is not pressuring me into anything.  He just goes with the flow and I push myself to make things work, but not push myself to the point where I feel bad.  I'm enjoying the journey out of my comfort zone.  I sat in his house the other day, on his bed where we lay in each others arms whilst kissing.  That was it.   no pushing, no touching, just chatting and kissing.  It was so overwhelming but I loved it.

So I ask.... how the hell did this happen to me?!