Damn it!

When I was still at school, I used to have some fun with the boys, teasing them, play fighting etc on the way to school. One fateful day, Guy 1 had a magazine with a plastic cover which Guy 2 nicked and put down my back. I retrieved it from my back and put it down Guy 2 back. Guy 3 then grabbed my arm, while still down guy 2 back. I asked him to let go as he was hurting me. Instead he squeezed harder. So I asked him again, nicely, again he squeezed harder. I asked a third time, not so nicely (I think my exact words were "You're hurting me now get the fuck off"), guy 2 is uncomfortable at this point, as my arm is still down his back.

I became scared at this point because of the look in guy 3 eyes. He snapped. So I went to hit him to get him off me. UInfortunatly I forgot I had a bottle of coke in my hand and hit him round the head with that. I admit at that point I did wrong. I should have dropped the bottle, I shouldn't have hit him.

He jumped out of his seat, I cowered in the corner as he thumped me repeatedly on my arm. Then I snaped, I kicked him in the groin, screaming at him that no man was going to have that power over me, and he should just fuck off.

As you can imagin I wasn't a happy bunny, and still had to go to school with Guy 3.

So why am I telling you this, almost 6 years later. I'm running a retreat on Saturday, and there is a rummor that Guy 3 will be showing up. If he shows up I am not going to be able to cope. Which means he will win. I don't want him to win, I do not want him to have that power over me, but at the same time, I can't deal with him, I don't want to talk to him, hell I don't even want to see him. I know how uncatholic this is of me, but I don't want him to come.

He would ruin the day for me, and for those around him. He doesn't believe, always trying to tear everything apart, and is only coming because his mother is a nutcase and really putting pressure on him to attend.

I cried last night because I don't want to see him. I cried because he has this power over me. I am terrified. I don't want to see him. What the feck am I going to do if he shows up!

Dress size

A friend got me thinking about dress size. So here's my rant and outlook on it.

I used to be a UK dress size of 22, proberbly closer to 23. This is BIG. I hated school and hid in chocolate, hence the massive weight gain. Up until that point I was a fairly small lass, as I was hyper active so gaining weight was hard for me. Keeping it off was easy. The secondary school happened. I hated it and ate.

The more I ate, the more weight I put on. The more weight I put on the more miserable I was, the more I ate. The more I ate.... you get the point. So I ballooned.

Trying to buy clothes in the mid 90's when you're that big and a teenager was a nightmare. They were either frumpy and old looking or they were maternity clothing. Either way they didn't look good. I did once find some stylish clothes for the "outsized" women, as we were called. Price tag £90+ per garment. I couldn't pay that sort of money for clothes, even if I could afford it, I refuse to fork out that sort of money on one item of clothing.

Just before my 18th birthday I became really ill. I couldn't eat. I was in constant pain. I kept being sick. In a month I went from a dress size 22 down to a 16. It was the best part of a year before I could eat properly.

Since then I have been ballooning out between 14 & 16, also depends what shops I go into to what size I ware.

Today in 2005, "Outsized" women are beginning to find stylish clothes at affordable prices. Which I feel is a fantastic step forward. But most shops do not tend to stock clothes that are for those over size 16, supposesly. I went into a shop picked up a 14. To small. Picked up a 16 and there is no way in God's Green Earth that I was going to fit in that garment. I had lost weight, and was looking to buy smaller clothes. I left the shop as they only went up to a 16. They refuse to stock anything larger. I reckon there 16 was only a 12 though.

Why can't a 16 be a 16 regardless what shop you walk in to?

I read somewhere than the average size of women in the UK is 16. I did on of those IBM things, and my opimum weight is 9.5 stone. I currently weight 10.5 Stone. I only need to lose a stone, but even then I still won't get down to a 12, which is what most clothing stores cater for. If I decided that I wanted to be a size 12 I would be underweight and I would look shocking because I do have big bones. My wrist bone is bigger than my mothers or my sisters and they are both size 12s. There is no way I will ever be a size 12 and healthy. Remember how Geri Halliwell looked when she became ridiculously thin. I do and she looked ill. She did not look health. Well that's how I would look should I ever decided to become that thin.

But the facts remain. If you are a 14-16 or bigger you are made to feel fat by society which is unfair. I am happy with my weight. (Of course I want the smaller bum, thighs and stomach but I think most people want that), but considering how big I used to be, I'm happy with my weight. There are many people around me who are not happy and want me to lose weight, you here the comments and the glares as you past people.

I am not fat. I'm only a stone heavier than my IBM, although who decides what's good and what's bad?! There was a woman who has big, but she ran the London Marathon and was healthier than many around her. Thin is not always beautiful or healthy.

Relationships

I've had a lot of people ask me lately if I'm ever going to settle down. I mean I'm 24. I don't feel ready to settle down, not with a partner anyway. The problem comes though is that I've not dated since I was 18. Everytime I feel I'm getting to close to someone I back off.

I have done a lot of reflection about this. I am afraid of relationships. I can not keep friendships. I get myself worked up and ill at just the thought of being in a realtionship. I don't think it helps that i've never beded a guy. I'm very nervous at the thought of sex. I don't think I've afraid of it, I've never wanted it, and never felt as though I'm missing out by not having sex. But it is a big part of my fear of relationships. That and men. I've never had a male role model. I hate having a man in the house, espcially over night. If I ever settle down I feel sorry for the poor guy.

In the meantime what am I to do? I want a baby, that much I do know, that and I don't want to bring my child(ren) up by myself. So what do I do?