A good session

I had a fantastic session with my CPN last Thursday. Usually I just sit there, vaguely talking about things, he gets me to think a little but we don't really do anything much. That all changed this week. Changed completely.

I sat there and talked about my concoction that I take. We talked about how dangerous it is, the damage I could be doing to myself. We also talked about the possibility that I might be addicted. This is something myself that I have struggled with. I plan when I do it, I plan it carefully. I buy the pills, I buy the alcohol. I can't seam to stop myself.

We talked about what it was to be an addict, what it meant, and how it would affect me. We talked about how I felt when I took my concoction and we also talked about how much control I had over it.

My CPN came to the conclusion that although what I was doing was wrong, I had enough control, I wasn't doing it regularly enough and that I knew what I was doing enough that he didn't need to interfere in some way or other to stop me.

In truth although the dosage I take is high, and I could be doing a lot of damage to myself, I do not do it everyday, I do not do it at work, I only do it when I'm at home and I can have a day to recover. I am very careful. I make sure I do this unsafe deed in a safe way.

It felt so good being able to talk about it. No one else knows, well actually there are some people who do know, but they don't know the extent of it. My CPN does. He knows how many times I've done it over the past couple of months. When I stopped cutting, I started on the concoction. I look forward to that time during the week (or weekend) when I can take my concoction and block everything out. I do wish I could get the same feeling with something else but I can't.

To talk about it was so good, to talk through my concerns and my joys of 'The Concoction'. For me to know that someone else knows and doesn't look down on me. I walked out of that meeting feeling great. Why can't I feel like that normally!!

Oh shite!

I have found myself planning my time around the best time for me to get 'stoned' on my little concoction... even though last Friday I got it wrong and I became very ill and remember very little I still want it, I want to be that way again. I'm trying to plan the best time to do it, when The Boys are out, when I don't have to get up early the next day, trying to find the best time to do it so I can be alone and no one will find out. I need to get the pills and I need to get the alcohol but planning all this I am.

I remember back in Uni I started cutting then went on to the P&A concoction, then when I started coming out of it I cut again and then I stop. Neither of these are right, I know that, you know that, we all know that but here I am unable to stop. I need them to just block everything out for a while, so that I can dream, so that I can sleep, so that I don't need to feel.

Screwing up all over again.

Friday night wasn't good for me and I don't know why. I had an exceptionally good week at work, the most positive I've had in many a month in fact. Still I did my thing except I did it wrong. I got the combination wrong. I got to the point I couldn't stand, I couldn't walk. Had I found someone in that state I would have called for an ambulance but I hid out, I stayed in my room. I think I slept a couple of hours in the bathroom... well I say slept, I get very tired but I never actually sleep. It's hard to describe the state I was in. I collapsed twice in my bedroom and I have jarred my neck and shoulders. They hurt so much.

I couldn't think straight, I doubt I could have talked straight. I certainly could stand up and I had real issues with walking, at most I could crawl. I enjoyed the feeling of no control, it wasn't until sometime Saturday I realised just how dangerous the state I was in was. Anything could have happened, what if I had fallen down the stairs, what if I had decided to go for a walk. Anything could have happened and there was no one around to help me.

I paid for it on Saturday not being able to eat or drink until late into the evening, I was very dehydrated and had problems with light. Today I feel better, I managed to eat something and have spent sometimes outside in the sun. However I'm thinking that I can't do that again, certainly not while I'm on my own. It could have gone so badly wrong. I could have been so ill or worse but I couldn't help myself. I needed something, anything to help me with stuff that's going on in head. To stop me feeling what I'm feeling.

Today I'm find apart from sore shoulders and neck, but it's my own stupid fault, I just need to come up with a really good reason for why I'm in so much pain that sounds plausible. No one knows what I'm doing at the moment except my CPN, and he's on holiday at the moment so I can't talk to him but I don't know who else I should talk to, who else I should tell. If I tell anyone they'll become worried about me and freak out. I couldn't handle that at all! The looks I'd get, the concern on their face etc.

What have I done? What am I doing here? What am I doing to myself? Why can't I stop?