Self-Esteem

Self esteem is a funny old thing. At the weekend our music group played at a very special mass, it was the first holy communion mass. So many people can up to me saying how fantastic the music was, how much they enjoyed it, how it was really suitable for the day. I was happy, embaressed by happy. I felt so high I felt I could fly. I was really glad it was enjoyed by all. Then it happened, One person, just One person made a comment about how they wanted to have the traditional hymns. Because of one persons comments I can crashing down to earth, and felt like I had failed. In essence that one persons comments should not affect how I feel about how everything went, because 99% of the people enjoyed the music, and believed it all fell into place nicely, and that it was appropriate. Because of one person comments I felt like shit. Because of one person I felt like I had failed. Because of one person I wanted to cry. It really shouldn't bother me but it does. I have low self esteem at the best of times, so when I feel good about myself I would really rather not have any negative comments said, because I take them to heart, and it's always those I remember.

I wish I wasn't like this. I wish I could only remember what the postive comments were, but I forget those so quickly, that all I have are the negative comments. Everytime I try and do something all those negative comments come back to haunt me, I hear them every time. I wish I could change.

I'm at a loss

I feel so alone in the world. Granted it's my fault, I'm the one who's fucked, I'm the one who's afraid of getting too close to people, who keeps backing away but equally people let me. I've mentioned this before but I am afraid of change, I'm afraid of new situations. It so my own fault I've become a loaner because my fear of new situation is cippling me. I love going to the cinema with people I already know, but when I get invited to parties etc. I back away instantly. Especially if I think alchohol is involved. I hate drunk people, and I hate being around alchohol, but that's a whole other story.

I'm in a job, I am failing at, and really am not enjoying, but can't find anyother work I want except voluntary work, which is tres annoying. I'm lonely. I'm miserably and I feel as though I'm about to explode. As most depressives would proberbly tell you it's the night times that are the worst. That's when I become really anti-me. I want to cry, but I'm to numb to. I want to scream, but nothing comes out. It's almost as if I'm feeling every negative emosion under the sun but I can't do anything about it. I'm just at a loss of what I should do. I have no safe place to let these feelings go, instead I'm doing the worse thing I can. I'm hiding them all from those around me and carring them around with me, every single day.

I'm at a loss.