week 2

Is is not easy

but don't give up now

It is not easy

Happiness is an option

It is not easy

but don't give up now

It is not easy

Happiness is an option

This is neither old nor new

It's always, forever

Somewhere between sense and ambition

pleasure and decision

we have to make a choice

What do we want?

Happiness is an option by Pet Shop Boys

So it's been over a week since my date.  Things have moved on a bit.  

1. To be in someone's bedroom and to make out was an odd sensation.  I just wanted to be there in that moment and never let him go.  Even if I did freak myself out occasionally, he just let me rabbit on, whilst he just lay there looking at me with a smile on his face, which of cause made me want to kiss him and hit him at the same time.
2. Meeting friends.  This is quite scary.  If we didn't get on that would make life tricky but they were lovely people and made me feel very welcome and I didn't freak out once.
3. We have been texting and messaging as much as we can, between CDs work shift we don't get much time to be physically together, but we do what we can to be together.  He's the first person I talk to in the  morning and the last person in the evening to talk to.   
4. I have turned into the sort of person who just goes gaga over her fella.  I get a text I smile, I find myself saying sweet things like 'I want to see you' or 'my day is better now you've text'.  It's disgusting but I'm loving every second it.
5. Last Friday we went to our gaming group and he wasn't in the greatest of moods and it made me feel strange.  He wouldn't talk much or wanted to hold hands or anything and this confused me.  But the next day we managed to talk about it and clear the air.  It was really nice.  I did't run off or get overly upset.  
6. He makes me smile, he makes me laugh, even when he's not with me.  

Although this is all a new experience for me, and I don't like being this gaga woman but I am enjoying every second of it, even if I feel sick some of the time and I don't want to eat.  I think about him constantly, I just want to be with him.  It's so strange and so new and as much as I hate strange and new things, I really am enjoying all the sensations this experience is giving me.  I have to pinch myself often to believe that this is actually happening to me.  I mean me.  The single one.  The childless one.  The selfish one.  I am broke, and yet I will do what ever I can to put petrol in the car to see him, to be with him.  It's insane. I'm not this person, but I am.  I have told him this and he just has that grin on his face and kisses me.  I am working really hard on my own insecurities and issues to try and make this work.  I know it's only just over two weeks but it just feels amazing to be around him.  I'm not going to jump the gun.  I'm taking one meeting at a time and seeing where we go.  Even the whole issue of not having sex right now is not an issue.  He's just letting me take this as it comes.  

What an amazing experience I am having. 

Some good news

You can't give up!

Lookin' for that diamond in the rough

You never know but when it shows up

Make sure you´re holdin' on

'Cause it could be the one, the one you're waiting on

'Cause nobody wants to be the last one there.

And everyone wants to feel like someone cares.

Someone to love with my life in their hands.

There has gotta be somebody for me

Ohhhhhh.

For once, I have something positive to write about.

First, I would like to recap on what has been happening.

I had not realised just how far I had fallen until I started cutting myself, and saw how deep I was cutting and how regularly I was cutting.  I haven't cut this deeply in a really, really long time. Although it has been seven days since I last cut, I wouldn't say I have stopped thinking about it or stopped wanting to do it.  I'm not even all that fussed that I have cuts on my arm, I think they are beautiful and I hate the fact I hide them, I really just want to show them all off to everyone, but I know the repercussions of doing that would be awful for me and that's not what I want.

I also considered weather or not I wanted to take my own life.  I sent cryptic messages to a friend of mine when I was bad, and although I wouldn't go into details he did sent messages back and as a result of this I am still breathing.  A lot of that is down to him.  

Work has been beyond ridiculous and I've only been back 10 days and I already feel like I'm on burn out.  

However, the most important thing I am going to write about today is what happened to me yesterday.  There was going to be a group of five of us going to a Burlesque fair, when I awoke in the morning I discovered that a number of people had rained off due to illness.  The reason I was going to the fair, apart from the fact I love Burlesque, is that one of the group going was a friend who I have not seen in a very long time and I adore spending time with her.  Alas this was not meant to be.   So who was left was me and this Guy, CD, and that made me question weather or not I wanted to go to the fair.

The history between CD and I is as follows:  We met three Fridays ago (28.09.15) and we immediately hit it off.  He is so funny and just made me laugh and smile, which considering I was cutting myself and trying to get high was brilliant.  The next week we were defiantly flirting a bit more, being touchy feeling etc.  All the things I am not, but was that day.  It was crazy.  He asked for my phone number, which I never, ever give to anyone I have known only two weeks (work is different, sometimes numbers need to be given to staff members).  We started chatting straight away and spent a whole week chatting.  Then I told him about this Burlesque fair I was going to and he invited himself, which I was fine with has there was a number of us going the pressure was off.  However, now it's Saturday morning and all that's left is him and me.  I am freaking out to whether I should meet up with him and go to a Burlesque fair! 

It took a while but I decided that I should just over come my anxieties and just go for it.  So I did.  We had a whale of a time.  The fair was amazing and then we walked around Birmingham looking at the architecture of the buildings.  We spent the whole day together and quite late into the evening.  We laughed, we talked (I even talked a little about my depression and I never talk face to face about it unless I'm well!), we teased each other, we held hands and at the end of the day before I got on the train we kissed.  As nervous as I was I loved it, I didn't want him to go.  I wanted to carry on kissing him.  I have never felt that way about anyone.  Usually when I kiss someone I can't wait for it to be over.  But this time it was different.  I wanted him to stay.  I did not want him to go.

So we got on our respective trains.  And the whole way home I could not stop smiling.  Not for a single second.  It didn't even faze me that I had not idea how many stations I needed to be on the train for, it didn't faze me there were not announcements on the train for approaching stations, it didn't even faze me that I had to walk home in the dark.  I was just happy.  At one point I thought I was actually going to cry.  I had to send him a text to say I got home safely which normally would annoy me but didn't this time.  I thought it quite sweet.  Into the evening he sent me a text asking if we could count this as our first date!!!! I said yes.

I had truly convinced myself that the good Lord made me to be single.  I would never know a mans touch, I would never know what it was to be in a relationship.  I know that it's still early days but this man makes me want to smile.  The next little while is going to be a lot of fun trying to work things out and not let my depression get the better of me.  

He lives quite a way from me and he doesn't drive and he works shifts so it's going to be interesting trying to find the time to see each other.  I know we chat a lot, but I am determined to try and see him when I can.  I just hope that my depression isn't screwing with me that these feelings are not real, but the do and I'm enjoying it and trying not to freak my self out too much.

Another day.

Come stand beside me
Come gather round me
And heat this cold cold heart
With love inside me
With arms around me
We'll heat this cold cold heart.

I spent the whole day thinking and celebrating my joy from last night. It has really improved my mood I feel on top of things again. I can feel my mood and the darkness disappear with each cut I make. Each droplet taking more and more of the darkness away. I can't believe it took me this kong to feel this good.again, I was a fool. I am not going back and this time I am not sharing this with anyone. I made that mistake once before. Not this time. This time its mine. I keep it and there is nothing anyone can do about it and I love it. It's my secret, it's my joy and the world can just fade away.

There is no need for conflict. There is no need for trying. Just calm, just peace and to let what is happening to happen.

Life is amazing.

Welcome home mate.

He's back!

Speak to me friend.
Whisper...
I'll listen.
I know, I know you've been locked
out of sight
all these years, like me
My friend...

You there my friend
Come let me hold you.
Now, with a sigh, you grow warm in my hand.
My friend!
My clever friend...
Rest now, my friends.
Soon, I'll unfold you.
Soon you'll know splendours
You never have dreamed
all you days,
my lucky friends
'Til now your shine was merely silver.
Friends, you shall drip rubies, you'll soon drip precious... rubies

I finally worked it out.  It doesn't matter how much I fight the depression, it doesn't matter how hard I try to keep myself well and a part of 'normal' society, the depression will always win because I will always get screwed over.  I will always get dragged down and I will always be pathetic, always there for people to walk over me and let me know just how worthless I am, so it really doesn't matter. I don't need to fight. I just let the depression take over and let it take me.  It doesn't matter.

For the first time in four years I cut. It was amazing. I have missed him. I will have more.... and who the fuck care, I sure as hell don't.

Karaoke

There is this little bikers place down the road, that runs as a cafe during the day but an 25 and overs pub during the night.  It looks seedy and I've always been warned off it.  However when I saw a sign that said that there would be karaoke on Friday night, I put a notice up for the community and we went down there.  We were a little hesitant  on walking in, but I took the lead and just went for it.  To say that we out numbered the locals is no word of a lie. 

We all got ourselves drink, technically only two of us should have been able to buy drinks there, but instead we all manage to buy drinks... which I thought was funny.  Then the Karaoke DJ put some background noise on whilst he got set up, us being us, we got up to dance.  The locals just watched us not sure what to make of it.  When he put a song on we didn't like and sat down, he would change it and we'd get up and dance again.

We did do some singing, one girl in our group who is extremely shy shocked us all by doing a song by herself and rocking out.  She was amazing.  Never, ever judge a book by it's cover... I don't tend to but she just blew me away, I never thought she would be that amazing.  I also for the first time in a LONG time got up and sang a few songs.

It was really nice to get out of work and let off some steam, have a few drinks and just let my hair down.  I danced, I sang, I had a really enjoyable night.  When everyone started going home at 11.30pm I was quite disappointed as I could have carried on going, singing and dancing and certainly drinking.

Towards the end of the night, the DJ put on songs like Macarana, Saturday night and YMCA and our lot danced and even some of the locals joined in.  I could have just stayed in that moment for a long while, it felt good to be normal for a change.

Although I do love my new job, and I don't even mind that I've got a smaller room and the fact that most of my stuff is in my mother's loft, I get so tired because I feel like I have to put on a mask.  I have to tone down who I am and how active I am.  I can't stay up late at night which is what I want to do naturally as we have 8am prayer.  On top of that I sit through prayer in the afternoon (which is too bad per say) but the half hour of personal prayer in the chapel altogether is killing me.  I could quite happily strangle someone when I come out of it.

On the whole though it's going well, I do wish my family where a little more behind me in my decision, but I suppose it's just not meant to be.  I'm meant to be arranging for a time for my mother to come and stay one weekend to see what we do here, and have a proper look around, although I'm worried that if she did, she'll be even more against the idea of me staying here.

Good bye to the old, hello to the new.

It's no secret that I find life hard, I have my ups and I have my downs. A comment happened today and it really got to me, got to me a lot more than it should have.  My mother was asked about being a grandmother.  My mother said it was unlikely that she would ever be a grandmother.  My sister apparently doesn't want kids, and me well it'll be a miricle if I ever get a guy.  It wasn't said like that but it was insinuated.

I want to be a mother, I look forward to the day I become a mother, but there are probelms with this.  When I do be come a mother I want to be married, I want to marry someone I love and I trust.  The problem I am afraid of being in a relationship.  I am afriad of all that goes with the relationship emosionally and physically.  I am 26, I've not been in any sort of relationship since I was 18.  I've never had sex.  I'm so afraid.  I'm afraid of never knowing a male touch, I'm afriad of never knowing love, I'm afraid I will never be a mother but most of all I'm afraid of being close to someone, sharing my life someone, that someone will know me so well that they know what I'm thinking, I'm afraid of change.

I want to be a mother, I want to know love, I want to have sex but I am so afraid of everything that it hinders me, it stops me going out there and meeting people and just living.  It's so stupid I know but I can't help who or what I am.  So what am I to do?  I'm so afriad that I will love so much and then they will leave because I am not good enough for them, because I can not satisfy them, that I can not be what they need.

I almost wrote a letter to santa, not because I believe in him, but because I believe that Christmas is a time of magic, that at Christmas anything can happen, so I almost wrote a letter to santa saying that next year all I wanted for Christmas 2007 is to find love, to loose all my inhibitions and to find someone I wanted to spend my life with, even if marriage never happened, I wanted to loose my inhibitions and my fear.  I wrote it but tore it up.  How dumb is that! To write a letter for something that can only happen if I actually do something about it.  I know that nothing in this world get's handed to you on a plate.  If you want something you have to go out and get it.  It will never just be given to you as Hollywood like to try and make us believe!  Things will only change when I make them change.

So here's to 2007 and things changing!

Last Weekend

Was absoluly frelling brilliant!

The retreat was a complete sucess. People want more. I'm hoping for our second retreat in six months, give or take.

The guy I got stressed out over, didn't come. I have never prayed so hard, or been so thankful for anything in my entire life. I keep thanking God for this guy not coming. Although I'm sure God wants him to come back to church, I just couldn't cope.

But I'm still buzzing from the retreat. Now I have lots of work to do. If I can hand in my report over the next week or so, the sooner I know if we're getting a youth worker and if it's me.

Buzzing, buzzing, buzzing.

There I've posted. Will try and post more over the coming months.

2005

"Ready Or Not, Here it Come, You Can't Hide
It's gonna Find You and Take you Slowly
Ready Or Not, Here it Come, You Can't Hide
Gonna Find You and Make you want it."

Well it's that time of year again, are you ready to face yet another year. Will this year be any different from the last? Can next year really get any worse? Will dreams become reality?

No one knows the answers to these questions, only God and Destiny. I only hope that 2005 works out better than the years preceding.

Please remember to act responsibly tonight. Alchohol is not worth it!

Merry Christmas

To all those who have been reading, or have read, and perhaps won't ever come back.

I hope you have a merry christmas and a happy new year. I don't blog here often, but hopefully in the new year I will blog more, and it'll be more up beat. Who knows.....

Merry Christmas.