Update

Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel

Like you're less than, less than perfect.

Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel

Like you're nothing you're fucking perfect to me.

Fucking Perfect: Pink

So it's been a while since I've last posted and my God a lot's changed.  Shortly after losing my job and my home, I moved back in with Mam.  It was tough to begin with but we've made it work, and got really use to each other and our peculiar little ways again.  Shortly after I moved in with Mam, I went to the doctors and asked if I could be put on Anti-depressents, and they did, with out any hesitation.  So I've been on them since mid April, and I have to say I'm doing really well on them.  The only side effect I really have with them is my neverending appitate, so I'm going to ask the doctors to help me out and give me something to stop it.

One of the major advatages of moving in with Mam, is that I'm closer to my niece and get to see a lot more of her.  She is now 19 months old and is a little wizard on her feet and often gets herself into pickles because she likes to climb up but can never climb down and get's stuck.  She keeps us on our toes.

In August I got a job after six months unemployment.  Now it's only 22.5 hours a week but still it's better than not working.  I am a Learning Support Assistant (LSA) for a college for Adults with Server Learning Difficulties.  I'm loving it.  Totally and completely.

I also past my Hypnotherapy course and in the new year I will be getting my insurance so I can finally make my business a reality.  At the moment everything is just thearetical and I'm just waiting to get things finialised.  I'm hoping that with this business that I can earn enough to either move out of Mams or safe up a deposit so I can buy a place of my own.

Toska (my tortoise) is forever growing and is even bonding with my niece, and she with him.  It's brilliant.  When I finally die in many decades, I can will him to her and she should take him on.  It'll be awesome.

I have joined a local am-dram group and have done three plays so far and am working for the third one and am also trying to sort out dirrecting for another one later on in the season.  I've been doing sound for all the other shows, so it'll be interesting taking that leap and going for directorship.

So life is looking up.  I'm stable.  I may not be happy (not that I know what that looks like), but I'm doing okay.

Dogged A Bullet

I've had a swollen and very painful right breast for a few months today, when the pain got too bad I went to the doctors.  Today I had my appointment at the breast care clinic.

It all came back clear, I have a fatty deposit which is causing pain.  I have to take evening primrose for the next few months.

However, is it bad that I wish I had been told I had cancer.  I want to give up, but I don't want the world to see that I've given up.  At least with cancer I can have it, make it look like I'm fighting but really, inside I'm allowing it to kill me.

How bad a person am I!!!!

Epic Fail

Well I've well and truly done it this time.  I've lost my job.  With this job though it also means I lose my home. I'm moving back in with my mother.

I feel the depression coming back and have no idea how to stop it.  I'm not strong enough, not this time. I have nothing to fight for. I'm lost.

To cry in front of you, is the worst thing I can do

 "I could hurt someone like me,
Out of spite or jealousy.
I don't steal and I don't lie,
But I can feel and I can cry.
A fact I'll bet you never knew.
But to cry in front of you,
That's the worse thing I could do."

There Are Worse Things I Can Do: Grease

Prayer in community has be really hard for me for quite a while.  However, after months of discussion and a doctors visit (!), things are beginning to settle.  I've managed to have some nice prayer times, that have been suitable for me.   Today, during prayer, we were asked to write a letter to ourselves.  Quite a hard thing today, but I set my music up, put my headphones in and started to write.  When I write like this, I don't often know what it is I'm writing.  I stop thinking about it and allow the words just flow. 

Reading back over what I wrote was really interesting.  It's really made me thing.  I talked about the fact that right now I am at a crossroads, a terrifying crossroads.  At this junction in my life I can either choose life or go back to the hermit I was.  I either have to take life by it's hands and celebrate and enjoy it as much as I can, allow my healing journey to continue.  Or I can stop, I can go back to what I was.  The hermit, the cutter, the depressive. The problem with going back to being the depressive, is that I know what enjoying life means.  I understand what it means to have friends, a social life.  I'm not sure I could go back, and be content.  The problem is with moving forward on the healing journey is I have to face my demons.  I have to trust someone enough to allow myself to cry in front of them.

I have to take and own my emotions.  I need to be in control, rather than them controlling me all the time.  Someone once said to me that you need to be scared to be brave.  However I'm terrified, and I'm not sure I have the strength or the friends to get me through the healing journey.  The more I think about it, the more I dwell on it, the more terrified I become, paralysing terror.

I don't know what I'm going do or what way on the crossroads I'm going to go.  I'm just not sure I'm strong enough for it.  I don't know what to do, no one can tell me what to do.  I'm stuck at the crossroads and can't move. 

I'm paralysed.

Memories and Music

"Memory
All alone in the moonlight
I can smile at the old days
I was beautiful then
I remember the time I knew what happiness was
Let the memory live again"

Memory: Cats

Music is the most powerful form of communication, in my opinion.  Music can make me cry, it can make me happy, it can echo my feelings as if I wrote it.  It's helped me through great pains in my life.  It's celebrated with me through great joys.  It's a medium like no other.  It can change my mood with a change of song. 

I've had a seven day headache which has made my mood quite something to fear.  No one could come close to me or comfort me.  I have managed to listen to some quiet music, which has been nice.  Listening to song's I've not listened for a while.  I put a music list together that's lasted 8 hours.  During those 8 hours I have cried, I have laughed, I've relived memories, I've got hyper, I've got reflective.  I doubt there is a single emotion I've not felt.  About ten minutes ago, the song Relax by Mika played.  You can imagine that with an 8 hour play list you can't remember every song you've put on there.  This song played and immediately I was back at the flat, with The Boys and especially thinking about S.  It made me smile as I remembered the fun we had, the times we shared.  At the same time I felt the pain of not seeing S, and not having him in my life.  It was an intense experience.

Just thought I'd share.

The hardest thing in this world is to live in it

I don't want to feel anything today
(I don't want to feel anything today)
Anything at all and just be alone
(I just want to know that you want to know)
I don't want to live through another day
(I don't want to live through another day)
Meaningless to fight for the victory
I just want to dive in the heart of misery

One love, One life, Locked me in the heart of misery
One loss, one fight, Locked me in the heart of misery

I will never be anything again
(I will never be anything again)
I'm tired to give, I don't want to try
(I'm afraid to live, I'm afraid to die)
I just want to fly, throw it all away
(I just want to fly, throw it all away)
Meaningless to fight for your sympathy
I just want to drown in the heart of misery

One love, One life, Locked me in the heart of misery
One loss, one fight, Locked me in the heart of misery

One man forgot to breathe

One heart refused to beat
One love is incomplete

One love, one life, Locked me in the heart of misery
One loss, one fight, Locked me in the heart of misery

One love, One life, Locked me in the heart of misery
One loss, One fight, Locked me in the heart of misery

Ah ah, ah ah In the heart of misery
Ah ah, ah ah In the heart of misery

Heart of Misery: The Rasmus

I know I have said this before, but I'm going to say it again.  I really miss my depression.  I miss that feeling of hopelessness, I miss that feeling of wanting to give up.  Most days I find myself wishing I was depressed because at least that way I could validate the feeling that I was useless and that I didn't want need to get out of bed.  I honestly feel that although I was dangerous when I was in a depressive state I was actually more productive.  I used to write, I used to play my instruments, I would play on my consoles against friends and I would talk to people on MSN or Yahoo. 

Now though I am shutting myself down.  I don't write as much as I used to, I struggle to write anything, as much as I want to I just can't seam to get myself into that zone, I also don't have the ideas like I used to.  I equally have stopped talking to people on the messengers and I don't talk to people in reality either.  I just sit in my room, watching TV or sleeping.

I miss crying, I miss cutting, I miss what my life was.  I honestly believe that my life was better before I had therapy.  People say I am better now, that I'm a better person now.  I'm not so sure.  I'm not convinced.  I honestly think I preferred the depressed me and all that I had.

I feel like I'm dead, I feel as though nothing matters.  I wish I had never got better.