Quandary

"You think that I'm strong,
You're wrong, you're wrong."
Robbie Williams Strong

A few years back I wrote a short story about a young lady who was in a psychiatric hospital. She struggled to be there, she was restraint, she got angry... all sorts of things, that looking back at it now was just how I was feeling about my life. It was how I wish I could act, how I wish people would treat me.

I recognise those feelings in me today, years after the story was written. Years after I honestly believed I put that all behind me. I spend all my time at work wishing I could trash the place in tears, people.forcing me to stop, me hitting and hurting as many people as possible. Running out of work and people.chasing me, holding me down, trying to calm me down.

I am really sick. Physically and mentally. I'm not sure I want to fight. I'm not sure I have the energy. I'm really beginning to believe that death is better that what I am feeling now. I just need courage. I don't want to keep talking about the end of my days, I don't want to keep fantasizing.about things that will never happen. I don't want someone to help.me focus on a future that probably never come true, never come to fruition.

I believe that death might be the only option. All I need now is.for God to give me the courage tobtake the pills and numb the pain. Forever.

Let me go

Wish I could be
Perfectly free
Wish I was a creep
Wish I'd make you bled
Cos it's a beautiful day
In a magical place
Beautiful lives
Perfect and strange
Beautiful days
In a magical place
New dreams are born
New creeps have come
Beautiful Days: Venus

I think I am in real trouble, the problem is what to do about it.

I have depression, this is common knowledge. What isn't is how much I must face and fit it on a regular basis. I have such terrible thoughts of how I see myself, of what I would like to do to myself and sometimes to other people. These are thoughts I am use to, these are thoughts I deal with daily.

They are getting worse. Not about what I would do to others, but to do to myself. There are a number of truths about me that I have come to accept
1. I will never know what it will be like to have sex
2. I will never know what it is to be a parent
3. I will never have close friends, only friends who I see occasionally
4. I will always be a negative person, my depression is to strong for me to be anything else
5. Regardless how ill I am with any other illness, my depression will always get blamed
6. I will always be lonely

The other night I found myself dreaming. I haven't done that for a while. It's not the first time I have had this dream and it certainly won't be the last. I dreamt that I had a complete breakdown, that I went off the rails, I got stoned and went to work. I told my boss to fuck off and that she is a heartless bitch who will get her comeuppance when people realised that the project she runs is barely legal.  I then decided to drive on the motorway the wrong way. I got pulled over by the police and tried to start an argument  with them, hitting out when I could. I got sectioned and I enjoyed it. I woke up really wanting to give it all a go and see if I could totally fuck up my life.

My life at the moment consists of sleeping between 10-13 hours a night and then going to work and starting the cycle again. Two nights a week I go and try and do something but it has to be said that it wipes me completely to do it. I am becoming a hermit because it's all I can cope with.

So I find as time moves onwards, I want to breakdown, I want to be hospitalised. Hell, in truth I want to dead, I'd be better of dead, my organs can go to those who want to live. I just haven't got the courage to die, I wish I did but I don't.  I really need to break about now, a break from reality, a break from being me, a break from breathing.

The worse part is the fact I know I am wasting the life The Lord gave me. He wishes us to do good on Earth, to be loving to one another, to love ourselves... I can't do any of this. All I can do is pray each night that the sun doesn't rise on me again, that I can just fade away from existence and from memory.

I know that I am going to become a danger to myself, and I want it to happen. I want logical me to back of and let the depression take over my life, allow me to crumble, allow me to fade away from existence and memory. I want to scream at the world tell it to stop cos I really want to get off it now.

I don't know what to do, where to go. As with so much I am limbo and there is nowhere for me to go.