Let me go

Wish I could be
Perfectly free
Wish I was a creep
Wish I'd make you bled
Cos it's a beautiful day
In a magical place
Beautiful lives
Perfect and strange
Beautiful days
In a magical place
New dreams are born
New creeps have come
Beautiful Days: Venus

I think I am in real trouble, the problem is what to do about it.

I have depression, this is common knowledge. What isn't is how much I must face and fit it on a regular basis. I have such terrible thoughts of how I see myself, of what I would like to do to myself and sometimes to other people. These are thoughts I am use to, these are thoughts I deal with daily.

They are getting worse. Not about what I would do to others, but to do to myself. There are a number of truths about me that I have come to accept
1. I will never know what it will be like to have sex
2. I will never know what it is to be a parent
3. I will never have close friends, only friends who I see occasionally
4. I will always be a negative person, my depression is to strong for me to be anything else
5. Regardless how ill I am with any other illness, my depression will always get blamed
6. I will always be lonely

The other night I found myself dreaming. I haven't done that for a while. It's not the first time I have had this dream and it certainly won't be the last. I dreamt that I had a complete breakdown, that I went off the rails, I got stoned and went to work. I told my boss to fuck off and that she is a heartless bitch who will get her comeuppance when people realised that the project she runs is barely legal.  I then decided to drive on the motorway the wrong way. I got pulled over by the police and tried to start an argument  with them, hitting out when I could. I got sectioned and I enjoyed it. I woke up really wanting to give it all a go and see if I could totally fuck up my life.

My life at the moment consists of sleeping between 10-13 hours a night and then going to work and starting the cycle again. Two nights a week I go and try and do something but it has to be said that it wipes me completely to do it. I am becoming a hermit because it's all I can cope with.

So I find as time moves onwards, I want to breakdown, I want to be hospitalised. Hell, in truth I want to dead, I'd be better of dead, my organs can go to those who want to live. I just haven't got the courage to die, I wish I did but I don't.  I really need to break about now, a break from reality, a break from being me, a break from breathing.

The worse part is the fact I know I am wasting the life The Lord gave me. He wishes us to do good on Earth, to be loving to one another, to love ourselves... I can't do any of this. All I can do is pray each night that the sun doesn't rise on me again, that I can just fade away from existence and from memory.

I know that I am going to become a danger to myself, and I want it to happen. I want logical me to back of and let the depression take over my life, allow me to crumble, allow me to fade away from existence and memory. I want to scream at the world tell it to stop cos I really want to get off it now.

I don't know what to do, where to go. As with so much I am limbo and there is nowhere for me to go.