FML

I have no idea what's going on at the moment. One second I'm up the next I just want to cry my eyes out. I am tired ALL the time and yet don't seem to be able to sleep properly.  I want to break so I can just live in a place by myself with my TV, Computer, Xbox and internet connection and forget that the world exsists.

I honest to goodness feel as though I am just waiting for the day I can die.  I'm not sure I want bring forth a death but I know I do not have the ability to live life. I'm not sure I ever had or ever will have that ability. To have friends that I can do things with, bowling, cinema, quick drink, coffee etc. Since that's not possible for me I would just like to break to the point that I can still do some voluntary work, perhaps a late night radio show where I can play music, talk about things but it's just me with the waking dead.  Perhaps I can just fade away, get a terminal illness so I can give up and just allow myself to fade away without people knowing I gave up.

I don't want to die, I don't... or at least I don't think I do. But certainly I don't have the ability to live so what the hell do I do now.

No I'm not going to go on Medication, I've just lot the weight from the last time I was on it. I have no time to get help as any time I get off work I don't get paid for, I can't afford to not be at work, and I can't pay for private help as I can't afford it.

Can something happen, I don't care what but something needs to happen. Either to help me live or help me die.... either or. At this moment I don't mind which but I need something to change.