The're only words

My insomnia is slowly passing, very slowly and occasionally I manage to actually sleep for more than an hour or two. On those nights I dream, except they are not dreams, they are memories. Memories of nights where I took 'The Concoction'. It was going okay because I didn't do much. I would just lay on my bed with a film going or a TV show playing, but there was one night where S saw me in that state. I had completely forgotten, and am horrified that I allowed him to see me in that state. I woke from this dream memory, and was horrified but didn't know what to do about it. So I wrote him an email just to say how sorry I was about the whole affair.

I don't want him respond but I would just like something to say that he acknowledges what I've said. I know that's really selfish of me, and I didn't write the email just so I could have closure... well not completely. I do want closure, but more than anything I don't want S to fear me any more, I don't want him to feel uncomfortable around me. I'm going to keep in touch with him, but I'm going to distance myself from him. I'm going to let him make a move or two occasionally. I do need to start putting him behind me, and I need to move on.

I just wish I could talk to him, just once about what I put him through, but he wouldn't talk to me about that, he wouldn't open up and we'd never get an honest conversation going. We put up too many doors and too many walls. We never could be honest with each other. I could only vaguely tell him anything near truthful when I had drunk too much. Then he would back off and a crater would appear between us.

As my mental health got worse, that creator got bigger and bigger and I'm pretty sure there is nothing is the 'verse that will bridge that gap. I sure miss him. It's like my heart has a hole in it, and there is nothing that will fill it in.