If you hate the world around you.
And you hate everything that you see.
And if what you see makes you happy,
Then fuck off cause we're all out of time.
So follow me.
Suicide Silence- Fuck Everything
I have attempted suicide a number of times before. Needless to say I have failed each time, and each time I failed part of me died a little more because it was yet another thing I failed at. A number of times each year I think about taking my own life, how I'm going to do it, what I leave behind. I write a note that tells my family what I think, how I feel and who gets once. I always keep it until the next time I think about taking my own life, then I tear it up and write a new one.
I have known a number of people who have taken their lives and wish to God it was me rather than them who had died. I hate them because they managed to do something I failed at, I then hate myself for failing to do something that would make everything better and ultimately it sends me into a downward spiral.
The death of Robin Williams is no exception. Depression is a debilitating illness which I fight each day and yet if I try and get help, if I try to talk to anyone I am told that I need to have a Positive Mental Attitude or that I just need to buck up and get over it. If I broke my leg people would offer to help me, if I had cancer I'd have people tripping over themselves to help me out. I say something about Depression, and I get told I'm broken, that I need to buck up and that I should just get over it.
I envy Robin Williams, I wish I could successfully take my own life. I know that there is not much that could have changed Robin's mind. He made a decision and he ran with it. A suicidal person can not be watched 24/7. If someone wants to take their own life they will find a way. Some people will get angry at Robin because they don't understand, some people will be sad because they won't get to see anything more, there are others who will say he's selfish. Some people will pity him because he felt that this action was the only action left to him. I, on the other hand, hope he has found peace and if he can hear me can he please hold me and give to the strength to follow him.
It doesn't matter how great things are, or how bad things are or even how mundane everything is, I don't want to be here. I don't want to breath. I don't want to wake up in the morning.
I just want to stop.
