Sex and Tears

Last night G and I, as always, were having sex as our goodbye for the week.  We know that we have to part ways and that we shouldn't leave it too late but we can't help but have a bit of fun before going on our way for the week.

I have trouble achieving as orgasm. Try as we might, we just don't seem to be able to get me their, whether it's via cliterol stimulation, virginal stimulation or lots of different types of stimulation. It is frustrating for me, and it's beginning to get frustrating for G and he's beginning to blame himself.

He can't blame himself as I have never manage to orgasm even when it's me on my own.  It's just something I have struggled to do.  G can try all he likes I struggle to orgasm and it's something to do with me.  I have a psychological block on this.  It doesn't matter what I do, or what someone else does I can't manage it.

Last week it changed.  We were in bed, he was doing his thing and I was getting more and more worked up and I just couldn't get anywhere so I asked him to stop.  We then had sex, he came and we cuddled for a bit.  He went to get drinks, I pretended to fall asleep and he left me too it.  Once he left the room, I couldn't stop myself I just cried.  I managed to do it quietly so he couldn't hear me.  I then got up, showered dressed, and joined him in the front room so we could play a game before going home.  He never knew.  That's the way I wanted it.

This week, however, something went really wrong.  We were in bed, he'd been playing with me for a while and I was really getting excited, and I swear I was close to climaxing, but something happened and I just burst into tears.  I had to tell him to stop.  I tried not to cry but I just couldn't stop myself.  I lay in his arms sobbing.  He just held me until it subsided.  He tried to talk to me about it, but it's a mystery to me as it is to him.  We talked about something else until I felt I was calm, but as soon as we stopped, I started crying again and again.  He was trying to hold me but I pulled away from him and just sat on the edge of the bed.  He tried to touch me but I just pulled away.  For a good five minute I just sat there crying.  Not being able to stop.  Eventually I settled and I got back in to bed.  He just held me.  We tried talking, but I don't know what was going on and I was getting as frustrated as him so we just talked about Glitch.  A new netflix show we had just finished watching.  I then started him going again and we just played and had sex, but I wasn't really into it and I ended up in pain, and he didn't come.  I think I only started stuff up again to prove that I wasn't that broken.  We both ended up falling flat.

What the hell is wrong me! why can't I just be normal.  Why can't I get excited, have an orgasm and have fun in bed.  Why am I always the broken one, the abnormal one.  Why can't I climax, I don't fucking understand this.

Every part of my body is telling me to run.  I don't like to cry in front of people, and I've told G this before.  We talked about this last night, and he said he doesn't want me to hide anything, he doesn't want me to keep stuff like this from him.  He wants to support me in my vulnerability.  Now all I want to do is run.  Run away as fast as I can.  I don't want to be around him.  I hate the fact I've been like this.  Why did I have to fuck things up? Why am I just so broken and wrong?  I hate being me sooo much.

3 months

It's been three months since G and I started our month long sex affair.  He had a scratch to itch, and I just wanted to experience sex.  We agreed that it was not to be long term, we were just going to do our thing until he left at the end of August.

The first night I slept in his bed we agreed to this.  I freaked out when he went to take my clothes off and he just help me saying that just being in bed together would be great and if we had sex that would be great.  Sex of course did happen and we've been experimenting.  Different positions, different locations, different touches, different toys.  It's been quite an awakening.  Even for him.  He's only slept with one person before.

Three months down the line we're still in our sex affair. I asked him if we were just sex and friends or if it was something more.  I admitted to him the other week that I look forward to our weekends together, more than I probably should do.  He said he enjoyed our weekends together.  He didn't know how he felt about things.

We are still carrying on with our sex affair.  I have no idea what we're doing.  I'm not even sure how I feel about things.  I know I really enjoy spending time with him.  I know I enjoy the sex we're having.  I know I enjoy talking to him about everything and anything.  

When I was seeing C he made my heart flutter, I felt sick, I was nervous.  He didn't really make feel at ease.  We had fun making out, we went out places, held hands etc but I never felt comfortable.

With G it's different.  I knew him before our sex affair, we had always spent a lot of time together and laughed and teased.  I would have some sort of party  at mine everyone would leave and it would just be me and him talking until the ridiculous hours of the morning.  It would not be unknown for him to leave after the sun had come up.  Even on a week day.  We'd be up all night and then have to go to work.  He is the only person I know where I've been hands on with, who has been hands on with me and I have not freaked out.  He saw my walls, my moats, my barriers and walked through them all as if they were not even there.

I slept in his arms.  I slept in his bed.  I don't like sleeping at peoples houses, it freaks me out.  I like my bed.  However, I went to his and slept in his bed and it didn't freak me out (for a few nights at least).  When I did start to freak, he allowed me, he held me and just reassured me that it was okay.  He has dealt with everything my mental health has thrown at him and just dealt with it.  I suspect that's because this is just 'friends with benefits' not a long term relationship so it doesn't matter what my mental health throws at him since he doesn't need to deal with it for any length of time.

I know that I like what we're doing.  I am confused about just how comfortable with him. It scares me, it terrifies me.   Never in my life has there been anyone I have let in or been as open as in such a short time.  I have A Person, the one person you tell everything, but before she became My Person it was two years before I trusted her enough even to start saying anything. Yet G walks in and within months I was telling him stuff. 

There are times I see us together, he's good for me.  He keeps me stable, he makes me want to be well and fight to be well.  So I don't know if I want to be with him because I genuinely like him and want to try and real relationship with him or it's just because he makes me want to stay well and do what ever I can to be well.

I'm so confused.