Update

I've never found having depression easy, and people who know me know that I have struggled with it for a very long time. Sometimes I cope with it, but sometimes I don't, and when things get bad, they really get bad. Touch wood I've not self harm for over a year. I'm really impressed by that.

My co-worker is suffereing from depression and he was talking about it so I told him a little about mine. He told me that if I prayed to God that he would take it away from me, he told me thats whta he does and it works. If it works then why is he on meds. But what really made me furious was the fact he indicated to me that it was my fault I was depressed and if I prayed to God about it that I would no longer suffer from depression. That works for him... he's medicated.. I'm not.

I just got so angry at him but never told him so.. i have to work with this jerk. He was making out that I wasn't a believer and it's my fault I suffer. He went out for a bit and I just threw scissors around and threw chairs around. I WAS JUST SO FUCKING ANGRY, it's been a couple of hours and I'm still shaking I'm that angry.

I mean how dare he. I believe that God will help me but he wants me to learn soemthing first, just like a parent who knows that their child has to burn themselves once so that the child understands that fire is bad. Sometimes you have to go through the rough so that you learn and become a better person. This is what I believe God is doing with me. He gives me all the tools to get through it but it's up to me to take those tools and to get myself out of it, he won't just hand me the solution on the plate or else how can I learn and improve myself. I know what God is trying to teach me and what he wants me to do, but I'm too subbon and feel too unconfortable by the challenge he has set. I know that if I took the challange my life will change for the better, but I just can't do that yet... just like a smoker who isn't ready to quite smoking. You have to be ready or you won't get anything out of the challenge only resentment and proberbly end up in a worse state than before.

I'm just not ready to take the challenge God has put in front of me. But he has given me the strength to acknowledge that I do suffer from depression and that I do need help. The rest will come but God knows that I have to be ready, I believe he knows I can do it know, but I have not go the self-confidence to go through with it now, but if I do my self-confidence will grow expenencially. It's a viscious circle I have gotton myself into, God is giving me the tools to get out, I'm just not sure I'm ready to do it yet.

I think part of me enjoys the depression because at least with it I have something. I know that doesn't make sence but it make sense to me.

So how dare my co-worker say I have to faith in God and his power. God gave me free will, God can not force me to take the challenge and improve myself, much like he can't force people to believe in him and follow his path. We are all unique and we all have free will.

I so angry, I still have to work with him this evening and all I want to do is stab him. What the hell I'm I going to do? If I'm up to it I'll try and post this evening about how I managed.
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A few hours later....
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So I spent some time this afternoon praying to God for the strength to cope with my co-worker and that I had the strength to let the anger to go. I got to the cafe first and I honestly felt angry still and really didn't know how I was going to cope and then something amazing happened, I saw my co-worker and all my anger disappeared. Thank you God.
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My boss and I are going out for coffee after Easter to talk about how the job is making me feel and try and sort things out so that I'm not so unhappy.

I believe that God is trying to tell me that it's okay to talk about feelings, and to have negative feelings. I have to accept that, take it on board, and learn from the challenge he is setting in front of me.