Going through the motions
Faking it somehow
I can't even see
If this is really me
I just to be alive
Going through the motions - Buffy: Once more with feeling
I don't wanna die
I don't wanna live
I don't wanna cut
I don't wanna not cut
I don't wanna sleep
I don't wanna wake up
I don't wanna smile
I don't wanna cry
I don't wanna feel
I don't wanna not feel
I don't wanna do anything
I don't wanna do nothing
In short I don't know what I want, I don't know how I feel, I don't know what I feel. I get up, I am Going through the motions, I go to sleep. I don't dream any more. I sleep for a good 10 hours, more if I can manage it. I do my chores, I do what I need to but that's it. If I'm honest I don't even mind. I do my voluntary work, I do my gaming groups, I go to church. I help people if they ask for help. It doesn't make me feel better, it doesn't fulfil me, it doesn't do anything. I fake my smiles, I fake my laugh. I don't cry, I don't get mad, I don't get annoyed.
The worse part is that I still can't seem to write, I can't cut, I can't get high.... Baking is the only thing that gets me feeling anything but I don't want to eat. I've lost a stone, no ones notice. I try hard not to eat much. At the moment I have to eat four times a day as I've had tonsillitis for about three weeks, my antibiotics dictate I eat. However, before that I had some weetabix for lunch and then a sausage sandwich or some soap for dinner. I drink coke to keep my calories up, I have vitamin supplements so I don't get too ill.
I have projects to do around the flat.... not getting done. I have a qualification I'm studying for.... very slowly doing it. I resent having a pet to take care of but I do it. I resent having to shower, I resent cooking and eating. I have books to read.... all they do is make me sleep, I have games to complete but can't focus on them.
My prayer every night is just not to wake up in the morning. I resent waking up. What's the point?!
