Proud

I look into the window of my mind
Reflections of the fears I know I've left behind
I step out of the ordinary, I can feel my soul ascending
I am on my way, can't stop me now and you can do the same

What have you done today to make you feel proud?
It's never too late to try
What have you done today to make you feel proud?
You could be so many people if you make that break for freedom
What have you done today to make you feel proud?

Still so many answers I don't know
Realize that to question is how we grow
So I step out of the ordinary, I can feel my soul ascending
I am on my way, can't stop me now and you can do the same

What have you done today to make you feel proud?
It's never too late to try
What have you done today to make you feel proud?
You could be so many people if you make that break for freedom
What have you done today to make you feel proud?

We need a change, do it today
I can feel my spirit rising
We need a change, so do it today
'Cause I can see a clear horizon

What have you done today to make you feel proud?
So what have you done today to make you feel proud?
'Cause you could be so many people if you make that break for freedom
So what have you done today to make you feel proud?

What have you done today to make you feel proud?
What have you done today?
You could be so many people just make that break for freedom
So what have you done today to make you feel proud?

I am so unbelievably proud of myself at the moment.  We had our first retreat this week, 98 seventeen year olds.  It was a brilliant two days, except for the two other staff members who, out of kindness ended up pissing me off and making me angry, because they would not allow me to lead the retreat.  By the end of the retreat I really did dislike them.  However the day after the retreat we sat down and talked about it all.  I explained my feelings and how they made me feel, but also that I know that they didn't mean anything malicious by it. They listened to what I had to say, and apologised as that was not what they meant to happen.  We talked open and honestly about our feelings from each of our view points.  It was very refreshing.  I am so proud that I actually spoke up about my feelings and actually did something about it, rather than getting depressed about it.

What have you done today to be proud?

Karaoke

There is this little bikers place down the road, that runs as a cafe during the day but an 25 and overs pub during the night.  It looks seedy and I've always been warned off it.  However when I saw a sign that said that there would be karaoke on Friday night, I put a notice up for the community and we went down there.  We were a little hesitant  on walking in, but I took the lead and just went for it.  To say that we out numbered the locals is no word of a lie. 

We all got ourselves drink, technically only two of us should have been able to buy drinks there, but instead we all manage to buy drinks... which I thought was funny.  Then the Karaoke DJ put some background noise on whilst he got set up, us being us, we got up to dance.  The locals just watched us not sure what to make of it.  When he put a song on we didn't like and sat down, he would change it and we'd get up and dance again.

We did do some singing, one girl in our group who is extremely shy shocked us all by doing a song by herself and rocking out.  She was amazing.  Never, ever judge a book by it's cover... I don't tend to but she just blew me away, I never thought she would be that amazing.  I also for the first time in a LONG time got up and sang a few songs.

It was really nice to get out of work and let off some steam, have a few drinks and just let my hair down.  I danced, I sang, I had a really enjoyable night.  When everyone started going home at 11.30pm I was quite disappointed as I could have carried on going, singing and dancing and certainly drinking.

Towards the end of the night, the DJ put on songs like Macarana, Saturday night and YMCA and our lot danced and even some of the locals joined in.  I could have just stayed in that moment for a long while, it felt good to be normal for a change.

Although I do love my new job, and I don't even mind that I've got a smaller room and the fact that most of my stuff is in my mother's loft, I get so tired because I feel like I have to put on a mask.  I have to tone down who I am and how active I am.  I can't stay up late at night which is what I want to do naturally as we have 8am prayer.  On top of that I sit through prayer in the afternoon (which is too bad per say) but the half hour of personal prayer in the chapel altogether is killing me.  I could quite happily strangle someone when I come out of it.

On the whole though it's going well, I do wish my family where a little more behind me in my decision, but I suppose it's just not meant to be.  I'm meant to be arranging for a time for my mother to come and stay one weekend to see what we do here, and have a proper look around, although I'm worried that if she did, she'll be even more against the idea of me staying here.

Oops I'm doing it again

I had a review yesterday of my performance in my two weeks in my new job.  It wasn't good.  They don't like the fact I know my limitations and will voice something I know, from experience I can't do.  However they want me to ignore all of this and attempt to see through my limitations and go a head and do these things anyway.  It's crazy.  It's not like they've even asked me, they just demand it.

They pointed out that in my interview I said that I would never ask someone to do something I wasn't prepared to do myself... which is true, but the flip side of that is the fact that you have to understand people's limitations and adapt around those limitations.  You can not ask someone to flourish in a place where they concentrate only on limitations! Can you?

Until this point I was more than happy, I felt I was doing okay, knew I was struggling in some areas but didn't know that they were so unhappy with me.  I have been struggling with their prayer.  They have turned very, very, very traditional!!! Unbelievably so.... to the point I have to more or less sit in silence for the best part of an hour..... it's so hard!!!  I don't get a lot out of it, even their praise and worship is slow and quiet which is no so nice.

So once again I feel as though I have made the wrong decision and am fucking up my life again!!! When will I find somewhere that works, that is right.  I want to find somewhere that will except me as me and not as they expect people to be or their idea of what someone should be.

It's been so long since I've felt like I have a home, where I can be me completely and utterly, where I can feel so comfortable that I don't need my walls or my barriers any more.  I can feel them going up again, I can feel me pulling away from people.  I can feel myself not wanting to be part of the world again.  After fighting so hard to try and be part of it, I know want to run away again.

I'm tired of having to suppress so much of me to fit in, for people to except me, just so I can be a stereotype.  Am I wrong to want to be myself? Am I wrong to want to be comfortable with people around me? Why am I always in the wrong?