I've had one hell of a week

I have to appoligise for the state of this post, but I have had almost half a bottle of wine on an empty stomach.

Before you read on there are two facts you need to know:
1. I have been taking St. John's wart for te past couple of days
2. You shouldn't drink while on this stuff.
Appoligise here and now in advance, I'm going to regret this in the moringl.

OUr parish priest was taken ill into hospital at the beginning of this week. He is in his late 60s, he's doing a highly stressful job (he's not just a parish priest), yesterday we discovered he has indeed had a stroke, but this afternoon he was allowed home. This doesn't supprise me, he doesn't like NHS hospital, so as soon as he could he came home. He can't see to well, it seams to be the only think that this stroke has affected, his sight I mean.

So he was at home this evening. While he was in hospital I didn't push to see him, although every part of me was aching too. Now he was home I almost demanded I see him. It's not like he's an aquaintance to the family. He is a family member to me, an uncle, a grandfather, a father. It's really hard to explain my relationship with him, but needless to say he is a close family member. So he is now home and I went to see him. He looks so well, better than he has looked in quite a while. The only thing is he can't see too well. If you want to him to see anything you have to place it in front of him, even then it's not in focus. So we were sitting around the table and the wine was open. I don't drink wine, but on this occation I thought I would. I liked this wine so I drank half a bottle. I haven't eaten since lunch (even then it wasn't a great lunch, Crisps and a bakewell tart). Add to that the St John's wart the wine has gone to my head.

I am glad too see him. Everything is still in the air but I feel more positive for the future, this doesn't not mean however that I will stop taking St. John's wart (what a name for an anti depressant).

In a way I'm glad I was confortable to start taking the St. John's again, but a bigger part of me is heart broken that I wasn't strong enough to cope with what's been going on by myself. I alway's seam to have to turn to the medication to cope with anything. This sucks because it proves that I am not strong, if fact I am a wimp. Can't deal with anything life throws at me. It really does suck.

Usually I won't touch alchohl but I felt I needed it after the week I've had, I just couldn't cope without it any more, which of cause has made me feel worse, espcially since I have st. John's in my system. Why can't I be stronger? No one else had to to take anything to cope, but I do. I'm just a waste of space. Nothing I do is right, nothing I plan works right. I hate it.

All I want to do with my life is be a Catholic Youth Worker within a parish. It's not a major request but God keeps testing my faith, and I'm not sure I'm going to past this one. I've gone through a lot with my faith over the year, trusting that God knows better, that I am doing the right thing. I have questioned God's way, I have got angry at him, I have HATED him, but I've alway's gone back. How many more times must I go through these tests until he is done with me?

When is it my turn to feel contented?

When is it my turn to feel happy with my life?

There are times I really dispise being me?

Old Aquaintances

Once again my past came and haunted me. There was a girl there who I used to go to school with. She was a year younger than me. Now we got on very well, but she alway's had this 'holyer than thou' complex about her. I don't think she meant anything by it, but her mother was always the same. I think part of it was that this girl came from a well to do background, private schooling, only child and had two parents. While I on the other hand was single parent, state school and we were brought up on benefits. She always had an air about her, looking down her nose at us. I really don't think she even knows she does it. All the same though, it bugged me, but I didn't want to rock the boat, in those day's having anyone being nice to me, I accepted. Regardless of the strings attached, I was just happy that someone was being nice.

Tonight I went for a reading of a play that I'm hoping to be apart of. Which was a lot of fun and there is a number of parts I'll happily go for. This girl was there. Once again she looked down her nose at me. She really was quite condesending, on a number of occations. I was civil, but these day's it doesn't matter if she's my friend or not, all I need to do is be civil. And I was. Why do these people have to come back and haunt me, bring up old memories I don't need to rememeber. LIfe really can suck at times.