2005

"Ready Or Not, Here it Come, You Can't Hide
It's gonna Find You and Take you Slowly
Ready Or Not, Here it Come, You Can't Hide
Gonna Find You and Make you want it."

Well it's that time of year again, are you ready to face yet another year. Will this year be any different from the last? Can next year really get any worse? Will dreams become reality?

No one knows the answers to these questions, only God and Destiny. I only hope that 2005 works out better than the years preceding.

Please remember to act responsibly tonight. Alchohol is not worth it!

What if....

As a child Christmas is special. It's the most fantastic time of year. A time when anything could happen. All wishes come true. There is even something in the air. You truely believe that on Christmas eve, nothing can go wrong. Everything is special.

This magic is only increased as you watch those christmas films, where very special things happen. There is one such film called "The Christmas List" with Mimi Rodgers. A very typical type of Christmas film where you are lead to believe that anything can happen, because it's Christmas.

Of course, as you grow older, this illusion is shattered, and you realise that Christmas is just another day. To quote Dreamcater "SSDD". Christmas just becomes an annoying time of year, where you are expected to be nice to everyone, even if they aren't to you. Get cards for people, that you haven't even thought about in a year. And feel bad because you've recieved a gift/card from someone you have not got anything for. It's an awful time of year.

But what if.... What if Christmas could be special if you just believed. If you just wrote a letter to Santa, sent it off, if you truely believed. What if you could be happy at Christmas? What if Christmas could grant your wishes, all you have to do is believe? I would do anything to become that believeing child again, to ask for something, knowing it would come.

Wouldn't it be worth it, to have your dreams come true?

Merry Christmas

To all those who have been reading, or have read, and perhaps won't ever come back.

I hope you have a merry christmas and a happy new year. I don't blog here often, but hopefully in the new year I will blog more, and it'll be more up beat. Who knows.....

Merry Christmas.

WTF

There is something I want to happen to me, the problem is that I know it's wrong. but I think about it day and night, I can almost feel it. I want it to happen so much that I hurt. I feel the need within in every bone in my body, my soul yearns for it. I pray day after day for it to happen, but it never comes. I dream about it, visualise it in my mine, but it is never to be. It is wrong that I feel this way. It is not normal to have this feeling, but I do. I feel that my life is incomplete and I don't think This event will make my life any richer, but I want it. Every night I pray that it can happen to me, but I know it will never be. Regardless how much I wish or pray or positive mojo towards it. It will never happen. I want to feel and expressed this event, but it will never be. I must forget this dream and move on with my life. I want that pain though, I want the terror. What will it take for this event to happen to me? What will I have to sacrifice for it to happen to me.

I even dreamed about it last night. I could feel it all happen to me. Although I was terrified, I loved every second of it. I could physically feel it all happen to me. Which of course, has made me want it all the more. I have to get over this feeling. I've lived with this feeling for years, I'm not sure I could give it up even if I wanted to.

illness

I have this illness called Asthma, and although I try very hard for it not to rule my life. It does. I'm kidding myself if I say it doesn't. I fight very hard for it not to rule my life but if does.

I hate asthma. The other day I went to the cinema to see a film, just over two and a half hours long, towards the end though I really had to pee. As I walked out the cinema I cought someone's perfume, and started wheezing, along with the air conditioning they put in cinemas (why put in on in the middle of winter... it's beyond me!) I had a full blown attack. I had to walk back into the screen so I could find my bag with my inhaler in, and then had to walk out, past perfume lady, and find somewhere to take my inhaler. At this point the other screens where coming out, so I felt like a plonker. A realy plonker!

I hate asthma. I have to be so carful, make sure I carry around all three inhalers, make sure I don't get cold and wet, or if I do I don't stay that way long, incase I get a chest infection. A few years ago, I had a really bad attack, couldn't find my inhalers and as a result, I died. I remember the whole experience. I was looking down at myself on the floor, while the other three around me tried to get me to hand on until the ambulence arrived. Needless to say, I've survived, unless of course I'm a ghost!

I would do anything not to have asthma.

I'm in such a strange place at the moment, I'm happy but I'm not. I don't understand. There is nothing wrong with my life, not really. I'm perhaps on the lonely side, but that's it. I have a job, I have money, I have a job, I have a roof over my head. What else do I need? And yet there is something nagging at me. Pulling me down! I'm not crying, which is a good sign, but I struggle to smile, and by smile I mean smile inside and out. Oh it's easy to physically smile, but it's fake. It feels like a long time before I really smiled, inside and out!

I think I'm making it sound worse than it really is, but then again I can't really tell. I know there are people who are worse off than me, but at the end of the day if you're not happy, your not happy.

Depression

Sometimes I think that depression is just something I encourage within myself because I can, and because I don't want to think about anything. But other times it controls me and nothing I can do can bring me out of the blankness that invades my soul.

So my question is.. Is depression self inflicted or a disease?

I don't think there is an answer to this, only more questions, different views. I suppose this is why it's so hard to treat depression because there are so many causes, some self inflicted, some not.

Some days I feel on top of the world, and nothing can touch me, other days I don't even want to get out of bed, I don't even want to breathe. It just hurts.

I don't understand why I suffer from depression, even if I do suffer, or whether I'm drowning in self-pity. God I'm so pathetic